Home » Headline, Top Tweets of January

198 Funny January Twitter Tweets

2 February 2010 Comments

What happened in this first month of the Decade?? Well according to the Tweets below a sports guy took a dump in someone's shoes,  The Golden Globes & The Grammy's were made fun of (See the Taylor Swift String Below), Conan Lost His Job

The State of The Union was determined F'd and The Sensation that is Pants on The Ground was released. 

 

This is all you need to know about what happened in January 2010. To continue to make fun of this great time in our lives please comment below and….

Don't Forget to Follow Me

 

I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit On 10:24 AM Jan 8th 2010 from web

 

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My friend Timmy is an Eagle Scout and asked me to burn him a CD for when he's in nature... He's going to go so nuts for my Trail Mix! On 11:29 PM Jan 11th 2010 from TweetDeck

episodes of 'hoarders' are piling up on my DVR. i want to save them; not delete them! what's wrong wi- oh, no. oh god, it's happening. On 11:34 PM Jan 11th 2010 from web

I need to go back to the gym. My jeans look like leggings. On 12:32 AM Jan 12th 2010 from Echofon

The Bachelor proves once again that hot people like to fuck each other!! On 12:32 AM Jan 12th 2010 from Echofon

Do scientists only conduct sex surveys so Jay Leno has material for his monologue? On 12:33 AM Jan 12th 2010 from mobile web

"You can't fuck your way to the top with handjobs." - Hollywood Proverb On 1:53 AM Jan 12th 2010 from web

Who says white people can't play reggae? http://bit.ly/8LsDrG On 3:26 AM Jan 12th 2010 from TweetDeck

When the show starts with a sports story about a guy taking a dump in another guy's shoes, you know it's gonna be a good day. On 5:54 AM Jan 12th 2010 from web

Actual question once asked in my biology class "When did all the unicorns go extinct?".....(college biology might I add) On 6:51 AM Jan 12th 2010 from web

104 year old man killed by a minivan in Brooklyn. The driver said that she did have the right of way, and that she's going to hell. On 10:27 AM Jan 12th 2010 from web

Sincerity is the new sarcasm. On 10:55 AM Jan 12th 2010 from UberTwitter

There's nothing more satisfying than making someone you don't know roll their eyes. On 11:56 AM Jan 12th 2010 from web

defending traditional marriage is gay. On 12:53 PM Jan 12th 2010 from TweetDeck

Here's the gayest thing you can say to your friend. "Yo bro, why don't you ever poke me on facebook?" On 1:49 AM Jan 13th 2010 from UberTwitter

my funds are "insufficient" and my twitter is "over capacity". I can't get anything right today!! On 11:34 PM Jan 13th 2010 from web

I feel bad when I have spelling errors on Twitter. Am I really so lazy that I can't proofread 140 characters? Yeah. On 11:15 PM Jan 13th 2010 from web

Hey strip club bouncer, why don't you pick on somebody who has their pants on?!? On 1:10 AM Jan 14th 2010 from web

At The Comedy Store. The Sham-wow guy is in the audience. He just said to his friend "There are rules, then there are MY rules." Sham-WOW. On 2:03 AM Jan 14th 2010 from UberTwitter

Top of the morning to you all, another beautiful day,today will be a day for tattoos all day long, OH S.H.I.T= OH SO HAPPY ITS THURSDAY On 8:21 AM Jan 14th 2010 from web

Chelsea Lately tonight. And "the situtation" is the guest, so. Oh and Snookie too so maybe she'll get punched again. On 9:51 AM Jan 14th 2010 from UberTwitter

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A. They're trying to get away from the noise. On 10:50 AM Jan 14th 2010 from TweetDeck

Pants on the ground... http://bit.ly/7KENlR On 10:53 AM Jan 14th 2010 from Facebook

Opinion: If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know (by Mark Gimbel) http://bit.ly/8psjXB On 11:22 AM Jan 14th 2010 from twitterfeed

MAGIC BULLET. Holy shit, I'm never going to be social again. Amazing. Why didn't you people tell me it's also a coffee grinder?? I'm SET. On 2:22 AM Jan 16th 2010 from web

Remember, Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!!! Don't go to work (unless your boss is a racist)! On 3:34 AM Jan 16th 2010 from web

I think CNN's Situation Room would be a better show if it starred The Situation. #jerseyshore On 7:22 AM Jan 16th 2010 from web

Sports: Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads' http://onion.com/6t3vpU On 8:11 AM Jan 16th 2010 from twitterfeed

Can't decide whether to get mad hyphy, bust some krunk or just stay in bed all day and read the Times and sip coco. On 9:44 AM Jan 16th 2010 from web

Skyline Comedy Club and I are hooking up TWICE tonight. I want you to watch. On 10:48 AM Jan 16th 2010 from web

Dear Assholes Who Complain I Am Tweeting Too Much After I Warned You That I Would Be Tweeting A Lot, Shut your dicks. Love, Fuck you. On 8:37 PM Jan 17th 2010 from web

The Golden Globes suck so much, they should be on NBC. Oh wait, they are. On 8:37 PM Jan 17th 2010 from web

When the guy who loves Windows 7 called his mom to tell her about it, I picked up because I was banging her and filming it on my macbook. On 8:45 PM Jan 17th 2010 from web

"I like drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson." -Ricky Gervais #goldenglobes On 9:15 PM Jan 17th 2010 from web

Hilarious that Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent has NEVER improved. #goldenglobes On 9:34 PM Jan 17th 2010 from web

Conan O'Brien is the type of guy who'd bid $400 on The Price is Right....Jay Leno is the type who'd bid $401. On 11:08 PM Jan 17th 2010 from TweetDeck

OH If your tits get in the way of your armpits, you have a problem. On 4:08 AM Jan 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

Waitress: u know u look just like the guy from that show, Dwight Shoot. Me: Wow. Thank You. He's very handsome! On 7:20 AM Jan 18th 2010 from Tweetie

Happy MLK Day. I would take off from work but I'd have to get a job first and that goes against my whole 'I have a dream' concept. On 8:28 AM Jan 18th 2010 from web

I'm sure you've seen this, but if not... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9o5_W6hn9k On 5:42 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

Mariah Carey didn't seem drunk at the Golden Globes last night, but her boobs did. On 5:53 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

I just realized I was born on a Sunday..God's day of rest..I can definitely tell he was on break that day.. On 6:24 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

A picture's worth a 1000 words. In a good Economy. Right now, a pics worth about 250. On 6:54 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

These tweets are made on equipment that also makes products containing peanuts. On 7:42 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

The Tiger Woods story has really opened my eyes. I thought guys play golf because they AREN'T getting laid. On 8:11 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

have you noticed a lot of guys think they're george clooney in "up in the air" when actually they're paul giamatti in "sideways?" On 8:57 PM Jan 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

Who looks more like an overweight, down-on-his-luck car salesman: Rex Ryan or Stan Van Gundy? On 11:14 PM Jan 18th 2010 from TwitBird iPhone

Somebody just told me they're a Gemini. I don't give a fuck. On 11:44 PM Jan 18th 2010 from web

I just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment On 12:26 AM Jan 19th 2010 from web

Zombies always walk towards you slowly with that "Ok, who farted?" look in their eyes. On 12:47 AM Jan 19th 2010 from web

John Travolta's hair was swallowed by his skull which shit it out at his chin. -w On 2:41 AM Jan 19th 2010 from Echofon

"The Hangover" is basically just "Saving Private Ryan" in Vegas. On 6:21 AM Jan 19th 2010 from txt

In one year, we've gone from "Yes We Can" to "Pants On The Ground." On 7:41 AM Jan 19th 2010 from Echofon

Realized last night I say "boom" far more than one should. Incase you are wondering you should only say it never. On 8:37 AM Jan 19th 2010 from web

OCNN-how cool would it be to have a NBA vs NFL game, we play them in there sport and they play us in ours (flag football)-i'd dunk on Lebron On 8:40 AM Jan 19th 2010 from MOTOBLUR

@bobandtom "her chinchilla got loose" would make a great euphemism. "We had a couple drinks went my room then her chinchilla got loose" On 8:42 AM Jan 19th 2010 from web in reply to Bob and Tom

I protect myself against identity theft by tearing my mail in half and emptying leftover chinese food or coffee grounds over it. On 9:22 AM Jan 19th 2010 from web

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist." On 12:14 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

Using karate chops to compartmentalize my life. On 5:18 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

A REAL headline I wish I had written: John Edwards Now Most Unpopular Figure Anywhere, Anytime: Pollster On 5:26 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

Are those things on Morgan Freeman's face stolen pieces of Seal's face? On 5:40 PM Jan 19th 2010 from Seesmic

Have u ever run out of toilet paper & tried wiping yourself with the empty cardboard tube? I just tried 4 u. Doesn't fly right. On 6:17 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

It's so weird that I can beat up ANY 6 year old alive. On 6:56 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

No it was just getting fun, I'm waiting on the haters to start hating :( don't stop its flirting with no intention On 7:11 PM Jan 19th 2010 from twidroid

Have you ever shit for so long your feet fall asleep? I'm afraid to stand up. On 7:42 PM Jan 19th 2010 from Tweetie

The camera man ain't here yet. Why black folks gotta keep the stereotype going? Why?! Mayb I can get the ontime white guy 2do it. On 8:00 PM Jan 19th 2010 from Seesmic

The founder of Taco Bell died. Hope this won't affect the quality of the food. On 8:01 PM Jan 19th 2010 from Tweetie

Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I'm still not sure if I would want to hang out with me. On 8:31 PM Jan 19th 2010 from web

Massachusetts? More like ASS-a-POO-SHITS. On 9:14 PM Jan 19th 2010 from Tweetie

RT @RedHourBen: Welcome @billgates to the Twitter. Let me know if u would like any tech tips, how it works, what makes a computer run, etc. On 9:06 PM Jan 19th 2010 from UberTwitter

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time http://is.gd/6DycH On 9:31 PM Jan 19th 2010 from TweetDeck

As a pot smoker, it's difficult to date a stripper because I can't remember both of her names. On 5:25 PM Jan 20th 2010 from txt

You can not escape your past. So why not continue to hang out & have sex with it until a hotter future comes along. On 6:52 PM Jan 20th 2010 from web

it's a year to the day since president obama took office. if he had half the class of sarah palin, he'd resign right now. On 9:34 PM Jan 20th 2010 from web

Hey I'm flippin' bricks. Just kidding I'm just hangin' at a coffee shop. What's up guys? On 10:19 PM Jan 20th 2010 from web

Leno monologue tonight: "Letterman has been hammering me every night. You know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him." On 10:53 PM Jan 20th 2010 from Tweetie

Is it prejudice that I would absolutely never hang out with someone who was wearing sunglasses at night? Because I wouldn't. Ever. On 1:03 AM Jan 21st 2010 from UberTwitter

Why do most of Tiger's girlfriends have that slutty, glittery, faux diamond, stripper jewel on their cheek? Oh, nevermind. On 6:20 PM Jan 21st 2010 from TweetDeck

When a boss of mine asks me to jump, I say "How high...do you want me to be when I jump?" On 7:33 PM Jan 21st 2010 from txt

It is sad that in 18 minutes I will turn off Kobe vs LeBron in favor of the Jersey Shore finale? #disappointedinmyself On 8:43 PM Jan 21st 2010 from web

UPS new motto: Yea, really. I am gonna park in the middle of the fucking street. On 10:03 PM Jan 21st 2010 from web

Every time someone on Jersey Shore wears a shirt with silkscreened wings on it, an angel gets their wings amputated. On 11:17 PM Jan 21st 2010 from Tweetie

If I was a rapper my freestyles would be crazy- if by crazy you mean tame and not that clever. My rap name would be Lay-Z. On 2:55 AM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

The quietest swear word? Shhhhhhit. On 3:41 AM Jan 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

When I see Heidi Fleiss on Celebrity Rehab, I immediately say, "I've been that hung over". #celebrityrehab On 10:04 AM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

If u dont have a personal wizard, u aint balln 2 me. Yeah u got money and cars, but can u make a unicorn run thru the hood? Then shut fk up. On 11:09 AM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

I feel like if an accused serial killer claimed they just watched one too many Olive Garden commercials, I'd totally understand. On 1:57 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

What doesn't kill me makes me injured and afraid. On 1:57 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

NY Times headline, via Duh Magazine: Does Corporate Money Lead to Political Corruption? On 3:11 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

I'm a little stunned at The Black Eyed Peas success. My lumps? Let's get retarded? Boom boom pow? All of these songs have a credited writer. On 3:56 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

Ladies. The cutoff for a Valentine's Gift is the NFC Championship game. Meet someone after sunday, they dont owe you a gift On 4:08 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

In San Francisco really excited to see Uncle Jesse's Band, Jessie and The Rippers play. Anyone have any info about shows? On 4:24 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from web

Is Prop 8 the one that allows people to do each other up the butt? On 4:42 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from Seesmic

What happens in Atlantic City pretends it happened in Vegas. On 5:13 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

just fyi melting cheddar on a plate and eating it doesn't make u happy. On 6:20 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from mobile web

It seems like all U need to be a professional 'movie reviewer' at Sundance is to have a laptop and a web page with a readership of 12. On 7:36 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

A pot cookie and an iPod turns a boring trip through the airport into a fascinating adventure On 9:41 PM Jan 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

I think I would like Miami better if I used hair gel and coke. On 9:32 AM Jan 24th 2010 from web

You can look like an asshole sometimes without even trying. On 11:25 AM Jan 24th 2010 from web

Just arrived at Sundance with my new independent movie. Its so independent, I haven't shot it or written it yet. On 12:29 PM Jan 24th 2010 from UberTwitter

The most appropriate cartoon for the day http://j.mp/4E4FEE On 1:38 PM Jan 24th 2010 from web

Just saw Gwen Stefani and fam at the Farmer's Market. Then I bought some bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. On 2:16 PM Jan 24th 2010 from UberTwitter

Don't be jealous of my day at Six Flags. I'm sure if you try hard enough, you can turn your day into an emotional rollercoaster. On 2:20 PM Jan 24th 2010 from txt

Bin Laden is like a movie executive - no matter how little he was involved, he claims credit. On 3:14 PM Jan 24th 2010 from Echofon

Open letter to German men: What the fuck are you wearing? On 3:36 PM Jan 24th 2010 from txt

As if Park City, Utah wasn't white enough, there is a German restaurant called "Adolph's" here. Seig heilicious! On 4:04 PM Jan 24th 2010 from Echofon

Lady Gaga is just Christina Aguliara if she had read some Andy Warhol quotes. On 5:06 PM Jan 24th 2010 from web

I was watching the public access channel for an hour before I realized it was MTV. On 5:43 PM Jan 24th 2010 from UberTwitter

is it just me, or is Peyton Manning's head shaped like an exclamation point? Saints by 10. On 11:54 PM Jan 24th 2010 from web

I'm so gangsta, I even sleep tight. On 1:35 AM Jan 25th 2010 from web

If I worked in a store, everyday of my life I'd tell customers: "Wait'll you see what I have IN STORE for you!" Also, I'd cut myself a lot. On 1:44 AM Jan 25th 2010 from web

[P] Daughter getting braces today, going to first dance on Thursday. "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon..." On 9:29 AM Jan 25th 2010 from Tweetie

It's a bad sign that we are 13 days from the Super Bowl and CBS has already started its pregame coverage... On 10:06 AM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong http://onion.com/6QjnVU On 10:39 AM Jan 25th 2010 from twitterfeed

Last week P.Diddy bought his son a $350,000 car & donated $10,000 to Haiti. I really think he should buy the Haitians one of those cars too. On 11:43 AM Jan 25th 2010 from Tweetie

Least appealing verb: "squirt." On 1:12 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

I was once so poor I was literally living ass-to-mouth On 1:34 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

television is weirdos judging weirdos viewed by weirdos who are just glad there are weirder weirdos out there. like me DAMN IT! %^( On 1:41 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Has an actor ever been thrown off stage for causing a scene? On 1:52 PM Jan 25th 2010 from txt

The 8 most ominous words in the English language: "From the studio that brought you The Proposal" On 2:09 PM Jan 25th 2010 from Echofon

For me, sarcasm is like a condom. It can protect you for a little while, but if you keep it on for too long, things get nasty. #fb On 2:11 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Did you ever eat so much for lunch that you sort of hated yourself? Well, I sort of hate myself. On 2:51 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Walmart Scary Clown Commercial :: http://su.pr/1wURtz #humor #funny On 4:51 PM Jan 25th 2010 from Su.pr

One day I'd like to jump out of a birthday cake and throw an axe at my arch enemy. Is that too much to ask? On 7:15 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Some of the best moments from the Conan O'Brien Show: http://bit.ly/6Oktgc On 7:32 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Dear Myself: watching a movie called The Pregnancy Pact on Lifetime makes you kind of a loser. Love, You. On 9:52 PM Jan 25th 2010 from Tweetie

obama got jury duty in illinois? guess we can add "changing address with dmv" to list of things he hasn't gotten done this year On 10:34 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

still wrapping my head around the fact that soda is sweetened with corn, and not candy corn On 10:40 PM Jan 25th 2010 from web

Girl on facebook: "What you up to?" Me: "Just eating some cereal" Her: "How can you eat cereal at night?" Me:"Um...because I'm an adult." On 12:43 AM Jan 26th 2010 from TweetDeck

Long story short, those people with the massage chairs at the mall don't give happy endings. On 5:10 AM Jan 26th 2010 from Seesmic

The most insecure thing to say to your girl in an argument: "you need me!" On 4:23 PM Jan 26th 2010 from UberTwitter

I have a physical today. Some stranger is going to touch my privates. And put something inside of me. And handle my urine. For free. On 4:45 PM Jan 26th 2010 from web

The new Apple tablet is rumored to be powered by the hype surrounding it. -w On 5:02 PM Jan 26th 2010 from Echofon

Duct tape to women is what Spanx are to men: we don’t know what it does,we think it’s ugly,and don't get why it’s impossible to get off. On 5:36 PM Jan 26th 2010 from TweetDeck

If I was a Lawyer my 1st question would be "Is Back to the Future awesome?"; If he said "No", I'd know he's an idiot, and probably guilty... On 7:34 PM Jan 26th 2010 from TweetDeck

It's funny when you go out and don't drink and everyone around you slowly gets drunker. Especially when you're high. On 8:06 PM Jan 26th 2010 from Seesmic

Two hard truths for girls of a certain ilk: 1. Quirky don't equal cute. 2. Your blog sucks. On 9:11 PM Jan 26th 2010 from web

Person: " You have your logo on your shoes, gloves, & hoodie?...didn't you know wearing you own stuff is stupid?" Me: "Tell that to Batman." On 9:28 PM Jan 26th 2010 from TweetDeck

I watch these guys in revenge movies kill everfuckingbody.Closest I get to revenge is farting near someone. On 10:37 PM Jan 26th 2010 from web

Obamas relationship w/ the GOP is like a friend who is dating a total asshole an expects you to listen to his problems. #justbreakupalready On 7:02 AM Jan 27th 2010 from TweetDeck

When @OGOchoCinco hit our Pro Bowl set today on NFLN, an instant classic ensued. A must watch, if you please: http://tinyurl.com/ygrjjwf On 2:48 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

18 degrees in Chicago. Everyone's face is so frozen I feel like I'm in LA. On 3:15 PM Jan 27th 2010 from UberTwitter

is quietly hoping that Obama comes out to "All Da Way Turned Up". I love ignant southern hip-hop. On 8:05 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

Countdown To #SOTU: [video] Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans http://onion.com/cVw7W6 On 5:32 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

if our union is "strong" god help me if i ever see it "weak" On 8:18 PM Jan 27th 2010 from mobile web

The state of the union address should be called the sugar coated BS address or just the blowing smoke up your ass address. On 8:21 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

More people would watch the State of the Union Address if President Obama introduced a new gadget at the end. Just saying. On 8:34 PM Jan 27th 2010 from Twittelator

BET is airing the State of the Union Address. This is probably the first time it's ever happened. That's sad, yo. On 8:36 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

Doesn't matter who's President, these speeches are always the same: BORING GROWN-UP TALK. I wanna hear about video games! And candy! On 8:39 PM Jan 27th 2010 from TweetDeck

When is the President announcing the iPad? Shouldn't something of more importance than healthcare and unemployment be done by him? #SOTU On 9:01 PM Jan 27th 2010 from TweetDeck

Did Obama just say "Hey Republicans, suck my big, Democratic cock" or is that just what I heard #SOTU On 9:04 PM Jan 27th 2010 from TweetDeck

President Obama is saving the best for last: his new SOTU bill comes w/ an optional $30 unlimited data plan. On 9:08 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

"right after this commercial break, we'll analyze the analysis of the analysis. Then it's off to the political round table" On 9:26 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

As my 9 year old said about Obama tonight "It's easier to talk than to do" But she also wants to eat cupcakes in the pool. On 10:01 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

I was thinking it'd be right for all the guys on Jersey Shore to have "Craftsman" tattooed on them, but that only applies to quality tools. On 10:10 PM Jan 27th 2010 from web

Sometimes, if it's dark enough, an Elmer's glue stick will look like a Chapstick....but my lips are sealed on this issue. On 3:49 PM Jan 28th 2010 from web

Aren't people who are anti-haters kind of haters themselves? On 4:00 PM Jan 28th 2010 from web

Apparently I have an inability to not reference drugs and drug-related stories when dining with a friend and her DEA lawyer brother. On 4:07 PM Jan 28th 2010 from web

i was kidding when tmz asked me my favorite dinner was and i said spaghetti and 8 balls. just so evryone knows. it just sounded funny to me On 4:40 PM Jan 28th 2010 from web

Well its only 9:15 and I already told a stranger "I will fuck you up" On 11:10 AM Jan 30th 2010 from UberTwitter

Libraries are like Blockbuster Video Stores for Nerds - e.e. cummings On 2:05 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" warning on it? It just looked so effin' delicious. On 4:25 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

I've been awake for 5 hours and have yet to say a word out loud. On 4:44 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

Damn NY is cold. Its like Jay Leno stealing the Tonight Show from Conan cold! On 5:04 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

Favorite comment of the last day. RT @calijf: U STUIPID And gay On 7:09 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

Linking your location to your tweets is kinda like saying, "Hey come rape me real quick." On 7:11 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

i want to be the type of girl people like so much, they write about it on bathroom walls. On 7:51 PM Jan 30th 2010 from web

I think I have a brain tumor, but it's probably all in my head. On 10:36 PM Jan 30th 2010 from Seesmic

Let me tell you the long and the short of it. Better yet just look at my penis. On 11:16 PM Jan 30th 2010 from Tweetie

Collars are not shirt spoilers. Put them down kiddies ;) On 12:08 AM Jan 31st 2010 from Tweetie

when i was growing up i thought secondhand smoke was just when my mom had the next cigarette she was gonna smoke, ready in her second hand. On 4:38 AM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Just typed "John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape" into Netflix and got "You might also like LIAR, LIAR" On 1:06 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

The maintenance guy at the airport just told me he'd rather look at girls' poop than guys' poop. No more small talk today. On 2:33 PM Jan 31st 2010 from mobile web

How to save the Pro Bowl #14- Give Ed Hochuli what he wants- let him ref greased up in tank top to show off his Situation On 4:20 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

how do I verify my account? tweet my social security number, right? On 4:30 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back. On 4:35 PM Jan 31st 2010 from Tweetie

Do you believe you can rap???? RT @iamdiddy: Do you believe you can fly???? On 5:38 PM Jan 31st 2010 from Echofon

Stepped in shit &in a pure dick move threw my sneaks out the car window. Now realize only pair of orthotics were in them. #servesmeright On 6:00 PM Jan 31st 2010 from Twittelator

If you've had sex to Van Halen, you're not black. On 6:16 PM Jan 31st 2010 from Echofon

Apparently the music industry is honoring people tonight. I didn't realize there still was a music industry. On 6:48 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

"You've double parked your whole life taking spaces from others. Now see what its like to park your car BLINDFOLDED. Live or die." #sawXXVII On 7:52 PM Jan 31st 2010 from UberTwitter

The Black Eyed Peas look like the worst group of superheroes ever formed #Grammys On 7:56 PM Jan 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

Sneezing is like wet Tourette's. On 8:16 PM Jan 31st 2010 from Twittelator

Reality check: TAYLOR SWIFT IS TOTALLY OFF-KEY!!!!! #grammys On 8:48 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

I think Taylor Swift is singing with my Aunt. #grammys On 8:49 PM Jan 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

God Hoping Taylor Swift Does Not Thank Him #offkeysinging #grammys On 8:49 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Taylor Swift and my Aunt Shirley are incredibly off-key. #grammys On 8:51 PM Jan 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

Kanye, where are you when we need you? #stoptaylorswift #grammys On 8:51 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Oh! Ryan Seacerst just said "I know about grills T pain I know about grills." I mean no you don't!! On 9:01 PM Jan 31st 2010 from UberTwitter

Is anyone able to volunteer to do a meals on wheels tonight? It's for me On 9:20 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Lil Wayne, your pants on the ground. #grammys On 10:16 PM Jan 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

"Your honor, they put on a Black Eyed Peas CD, turned it up & locked the doors! My client had no other choice." (Acceptable murder defense.) On 11:00 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

Here's what I love about the Grammys: Absolutely nothing. On 11:01 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

The Black Eyed Peas look and sound like a cheering section at a Japanese baseball game. On 11:47 PM Jan 31st 2010 from web

just saw a book at border's called "chicken soup for the american idol soul." we're all going to hell. On 12:05 AM Feb 1st 2010 from TweetDeck

Grammies? Is that how much coke you need to stay awake through em? LooOOOOOOoooong! X On 12:23 AM Feb 1st 2010 from web

Seems like if you're good at gambling, you're a professional. If you're bad at it, it's an addiction. On 10:02 AM Feb 1st 2010 from Echofon

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