April Twitter Roundup
3 May 2010
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These tweets help us re-cap the final 15 days of April with some humor. I am going to keep my intro short as you are all here for the Funny Tweets.! We keep increasing the amount and variety of tweets each month as the website continues to grow. Don't forget to Follow Me or grab my attention on Twitter—> YourFunnyTweets.
Rarely Original, Always Re-Tweeting. Send Your Funny Tweets to @YourFunnyTweets
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Someone just referred to Heidi montag has a "Barbie doll." that's a terrible comparison. Barbie had jobs.
I think this comic sums up the truth about as close as possible: http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1851
When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.
I just played Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" backwards, and I swear I heard Justin Bieber speak about Satan.
I'm so horny I could eat out a horse.
Getting a no-hitter game with 6 walks is like bowling a 200-game with the bumpers up.
Man to barber: "give my son the 'unemployable.'" #childabuse #iowa http://yfrog.com/j345yj
I feel like Dayton is allergic to hot chicks
Please hate politely. It's how it's done in America.
cutting down your email inbox is the modern day raking of leaves. also, raking leaves is still that also.
I keep adjusting the tint and hue on my TV cuz #ronartest hair is fuckin up my settings
the lakers sixth man is the refs
All of god's creatures may have been created equal, but I'd still love to hear him explain Snookie.
Just got a hate mail from someone with an AOL address. Jokes on him.
#welcometotwitter where worthless chicks & lame niggas pass themselves off as Kings & Queens
SNL ripps on Insane Clown Posse... ahahaha.. Calling all Juggaloos!! http://bit.ly/ctqmnL
Damn shame some of ya'll will get on twitter to say Goodmorning before even brushing your teeth. #mustymouthtweet
Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020 http://onion.com/bnNUD2
I've never seen a piano store that wasn't going out of business.
New study shows that people who have a lot of sex tend to live longer. Not only does not getting laid suck, it also kills you.
people who constantly repeat your name in conversation do it bc they read the wrong books on how to do well in business.
Message from me to American youth - You can't spell CHANGED without G.E.D.!
Why is it that by not watching any cable TV - no CNN, MSNBC, Fox, nothing - I actually feel MORE informed & educated on the news of the day?
the day i feel like a real adult is the day i can wear a white shirt and keep it stain-free.
Dear man handing out flyers telling me to "save the trees", STOP WASTING PAPER.
You trying to tell me NO NFL team has picked Wendy Williams up yet? I know somebody in the league needs a Defensive End. #ComeOn
My 9 year old daughter just beat me at Wii baseball... I'll bet she's on the juice.
Two types of passangers on my Southwest flight. Those who laugh at the flight attendants jokes and those with a sense of humor.
I'm renaming Cubs bullpen 'Homerun derby'
Looking for loyalty in LA is kinda like trying to find alcohol at an AA meeting.
Oprah is a bit like Medusa. When you look at her, your whole body doesn't turn to stone, but your penis gets very soft.
the guy in North America that just prayed for a volcano to go off to keep him from his next board meeting is totally missing the point
My favorite way to intimidate someone is to stare at their crotch with no expression on my face, then slowly bring my gaze up to their eyes.
Chair wins. Fatality!! http://bit.ly/29mw54
Owning an iPad just lets me know that you weren't very good at having five hundred dollars.
My Halloween costume this year: Bag over head, penis out. (Every guy on Chat Roulette.)
My gym membership was revoked today. Apparently the women clientele had nicknamed me "The Stare-Master (w/ a huge boner)"
Watching a guy on the plane play Solataire on his iPad. Exactly.
So far this has been a great 4/20, thanks to my new friends in Minneapolis! #greenroomindeed
Tweets My Dad Shits.
Hockey'd be cool if instead of hitting a puck on ice, they threw it across a field & tried to score & instead of a puck it was a football.
Leaving iowa for la. I'm about to get culture shocked.
Dude, U R SO high right now @DalaiLama W/ever there is a challenge, there is an opport. 2 face it, 2 demo & develop our will & determination
If your name is Liz and you spell it with two Zs, I just see Jizz and I have a good laugh to myself. #420rerun #typofixed
Reminder: Today is April 20th. Carry on.
Funny how people celebrate Hitler's Birthday by burning a living thing and then giggling uncontrollably. Happy 420!
Ke-dollarsign-ha, am I saying that right?
I already tweeted about 4/20 today. Oddly enough, an hour later, I want to do it again. With Cheetos.
In Focus: Stoner Regales Friends With Tale Of This One Bong He Saw In Iowa City Once http://onion.com/9lJ8Fe
So 4-20 is fucking stupid. Just smoke weed whenever you want and shut-up about it. And white potheads, cut your dreadlocks.
That's not the Icelandic Volcano Cloud. No, it's just 4:20 in LA.
(414): I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hey @jesus when are you getting your account verified?
When a radio station says "where Hip Hop lives". They are saying Hip Hop doesn't live here anymore. But we still get it's mail here.
My new rap album is called. "Fuck it, Everyone Else Is Doing It". On Don't Give Two Shits Records.
white people gonna be mad as hell when they get to heaven and find out God look like Michael Jordan daddy :)
Frederick Krueger RT @closu: @ChelseaVPeretti hi chelsea. who cuts your hair? thanks!
Unless I'm on the beach with a margarita. Any song by Jimmy Buffet is terribly annoying.
You know who still does a pretty good Christoper Walken?...Christoper Walken - so stop doing yours.
Its 4/20. Happy birthday weed.
"Ask Beavis, I get nothing but head" #TShirtSlogans
#tshirtslogans Catholicism: Where a man kissing a woman gets you kicked out, but fcukin a kid gets you....
My Dad drives a Camaro. I feel like I should say something.
The worst part about calling someone obtuse is them not getting it.
Glee is the gayest thing on TV, second only to the NY Mets
Watching 'Larry King' on CNN. Michelle Obama's Brother look like a bald headed version of her. eerie resemblance #reggie&cherylmiller
Watching 'Larry King' on CNN. Michelle Obama's Brother look like a bald headed version of her. eerie resemblance #reggie&cherylmiller
Hey guy on phone: If you start a sentence, "I'm actually heading to a jam session--" do the rest of the bus a favor and shut up RIGHT NOW.
love how confused nba players look when they get a foul call
If you don't find this funny, then you have mental problems: http://tiny.cc/Mortality
Fuck 4/20, Smoke weed urry day!
It's a bunch of white college students on my flight feels like the cast of final destination. Ahhh shit
lilduval
OMGDUVALFACT: a good woman is a woman who has less than 500 followers
Just discovered fun new activity: like tweeting, only more words & someone else wrote them. Called "reading."
REPORT: Ben Roethlisberger to be suspended for 4 to 6 games for violating NFL's "Penis out of Your Pants" policy
Roethlisberger suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican.
Your company is a disgrace. RT @ATTCustomerCare: @WhitneyCummings Whitney, sorry you are having problems, what can we help with?
NFL - Some support for Big Ben today. Pacman Jones just said "Let me take you out to take your mind off this whole thing"
"Hi! My name is 'The Reason Dave Holmes Doesn't Go To Coachella.'" http://tinyurl.com/2e52qtz
Here's a trick to save some $$ at the grocery store: steal things
Just saw two birds doing it. Now I'm super-horny.
Oooh, Lordie. how high am I right now? @tinybuddha Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
hummer drivers: donating to charity is another way to show you have too much money. bonus: no one will think you're an asshole. -t
Advice: if a restaurant has a canoe, a bike and other bullshit on the wall its there to distract you from the shitty service.
As a comedian I have to admire Glenn Beck's manipulation of nonsense.
News stations are starting 2 hire nuthin but titties and ass weather girls
This weather girl is giving the weather report and her titties are blocking the state of Texas. #LoneStartitties
I keep a banana in my pocket at all times.
NPR just called the Mets/Cards game from Sat. a "spirited contest of gamesmanship". Were they jousting?
Today is my first real day off from touring. I'm home enjoying what my agent tells me is my family.
Has anyone trademarked the sentence: "I'm gonna make a medicated guess?"
RT @2PedroLima @roywoodjr I swear I saw Tee Martin cooking at the Waffle House in Knoxville <- @jemelehill can you confirm this report?
if God and I ever decide to redesign humanity, we'll make sure you guys know how to create better signage http://i.imgur.com/9C6Nx.jpg
I don't want lady luck on my side as much as I want lady crotch on my face.
I'm bout to walk in the doubletree and get a cookie and just walk out
Is there something about what I look like that screams "please, random creepy stranger, talk to me about your boring life"?
"tonight I'm either gonna get laid or get into a fight either way I'm gonna beat up a pussy"-Hot Carl
I'm on a life size version of Thomas the Tank Engine right now. I'm either on an outing with the family or on acid.
I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
My local newspaper accuses Walmart of producing too much waste.
Accompanying the article is a picture of the store FULL of white trash.
I was wondering how high you'd have to be to draft Tim Tebow in the first round.
Turns out the answer is: "One mile."
Reading "inspirational" tweets from celebrities makes me want to do a bucket of drugs & shit powerfully in my pants.
My date with a friend is nothing fancy. I'm just gonna wear naked. I hope I'm not overdressed.
RT @HBO Hey fuck it, let's just put Kindergarten Cop on nonstop. Why not?
I always feel like the LA skyline is giving me the finger.
I want to get a pet and name him Peeve. "This is my pet, Peeve."
I'm doing my live show tonight from the Universal lot where I taped The Tonight Show. So if a shot rings out, tell my wife I loved her.
The first person to come to The Well in LA dressed as a zombie & wish my friend Laurie a Happy Birthday gets a red velvet cupcake
Feeling so good I want to have my babies.
WORST ONLINE AD I've ever seen in my life. Pauly D Baskin Robbins, click "let's get the party" http://tinyurl.com/24t5sk8
When a chic act like she dancing behind u, and u have 2 check 4 ur wallet #youinahoodclub
I was on the phone and I wanted to play a joke on my friend, so i farted into the phone. Jokes on me. Now my phone stinks
I have accidentally swallowed chewing gum twice in as many nights. Adults with their shit together do not do this. (Seven years to digest!)
Toddler on the bus just looked at me and shrieked "Daddy!" I poked my finger in the bastard's face and yelled "Don't even joke about that!"
Why whenever I come to a town niggaz be like "go to the hood" why would I wanna take that risk?
Boldly going nowhere.
You know what, honey, wipe that fuckin' smile off ur face and give me my latte. Bitch. What? Yes, please, I would like a scone.
Just found out if you yell "FUCK YOU I HATE YOU" at the robot lady on the HP customer service line, it redirects your call to a human lady!
It's funny how the yelling kids outside sound EXACTLY like the beer bottles in my fridge, asking if I'd like a refreshing beverage.
There's a special word for whoever decided to shit in this Borders urinal: HERO.
First strip club experience is going suprisingly well. Can't lie; these pole tricks are impressive.
At pirate themed vegan strip joint. Not kidding. Also, this is what life is about.
My wife's idea of a male enhancement drug is her drinking more alcohol.
"Typical eco-jerks... Using words to talk!" -Homer #simpsons
Pittsburgh Pirates pitchers have a major league worst ERA of 6.99. They are so bad that even NBC could get a hit off of them.
When someone is having surgery in L.A. I always assume it's elective cosmetic surgery and send them a 'Look Better Soon' card.
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I feel like so many dudes have pussys
"Some guy you don't know" wants you to become a fan of "some shit you're not interested in."
Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it..
Fan Incredibly Disappointed To Learn Player's Favorite Book Is The Bible http://onion.com/9Ftqby
just to confirm: I do know kung-fu and thanks for the shoutout Axis of Awesome http://bit.ly/a1RuZb #musicmonday
Simpler Times .. When if somebody asked you for PAPERS they were gonna roll a joint .. Simpler Times.
I figured out where Carmen Sandiego is. San Diego.
Dear Porn Stars. You can't all be stars. Not everyone in a movie is a movie star. Some of you just happen to be having sex in a movie.
If you want to recreate the feeling of being maced put your contact lenses in after eating a salt and vinegar potato chip.
Too much coffee this morning. I'm having a hard time falling asleep in this meeting.
If you're in the bathroom with a stranger & have nothing to start a convo w/besides "I hear the Lakers lost," you don't need to talk at all.
Attention passengers: We would like to remind you that we are incompetent assholes and that there is literally nothing you can do about it.
Leaving So. Carolina. Thanks for all your warm tweets re: my wedding. I read them all aloud at the reception. My marriage is already over.
RT @lafix Homosexuality and ethnicity are not lifestyle choices.
Hatred, bigotry, scrapbooking and rooting for the Yankees are.
I've got my actual name, I'm verified now, and my office smells like a cheech and chong movie. Life is good.
Just downloaded the new Fox News iPhone App. It keeps calling my wife's Blackberry a socialist.
When I was a little idiot kid I would call my butt my "high-knee" and my knee my "low-knee." In other news, I'm still not married.
New math: Thai food = Chinese food + Indian food - diarrhea.
"the young man knows the rules. the old man knows the exceptions"
never eat mexican food before therapy. its harder holding in farts whilst crying.
I'm no naming expert, but I can think of at least one word I'd change in Chili's new Quesadilla Explosion Salad.
People always think I'm on coke because I have really bad allergies which make my nose stuffy and because I do coke.
Roethlisberger vows to change. Hopefully this means he'll stop raping and beating women, not just doing it 'less'.
I hate girls that say "i don't want no drama" but continue to watch 'The Hills', 'I Love New York', and every other drama filled show.
Octomom says that nickname makes her feel like a “carnival attraction.” She prefers “Mom with a Clown Car Uterus”.
Don't shit where you eat. Your kitchen table, for example. Don't pull your pants down, climb up there & take a shit. Got it?
Questions From the First Person To Eat an Egg: "Do you dare me to eat that?"
http://twitpic.com/1iwaa4 - This is how you get out the house if you're in a relationship or marraige, read carefully
Really excited to finally watch Avatar the way it was meant to be seen in 2D and on my iPod Nano screen
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If women ruled the world.. There would just be a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
I like sex, period. I mean, I like period sex.
Faux Leather Boots? Maybe a bad idea for Peta unveiling. Sorry for controversy. Ill take off my faux bald eagle jacket now too.
I've never seen a Saw movie but I imagine them to be a bit like the backstage area of the Taft theater in Cincinnati.
Going to watch Avatar on blu-ray tonight. To recreate the 3D experience, I'm going to smudge my glasses and light five dollars on fire.
Women are like lions. You can't argue with either of them w/o getting really frustrated and then you have to give up because it's bullshit.
Am I straight? Certainly.
Am I above flirting with the Starbuck's barista boy because he gives me free shit?
Certainly not.
Dear 50 cent- thanks for ruining birthdays!
New math: John Tesh ÷ Macaulay Culkin in "Home Alone" = Justin Bieber.
New word- Appshole- (noun) Someone who won't shut the fuck up about their apps. Use it. Give me credit.
just heard someone ask hotel manager "how big is that lake out there?" ....... they were pointing at the pacific ocean..... FAIL!
When someone says, "coolio" instead of "cool," a good thing to do would be to slap that motherfucker in the face as hard as you can.
many of you are suddenly comparing me to Jim Carey. I have never been dumped by an annoying playmate and I have never made 20mil for a film.
sticks and stones may break my bones, but i will kick you repeatedly in the balls
Got a hybrid. It's half car, half dented piece of shit.
I'm starting a talent agency that only represents those dudes in rap videos that just sorta stand around looking all hard.
War is like sex w/Ben Roethlisberger: Whether u like it or not, it's gonna happen
RENT IS DUE YOU FUCK
IN BLANKSTARE NEWS: http://bit.ly/9GwNNq
i love apple juice - if only they made it in some sort of solid, portable form
The chicken came first. Duh.
I hate moderates. That includes you, @goldilocks - man up and eat the scalding porridge
was very productive today. hung out with ron jeremy and now i magically know how to make girls squirt like a killer whale at a sea park
You ever have that crystal clear moment wherein you know for a fact that you've said too much?
Welcome to my entire life.
I have checked out, but I can never leave.
Tiger finished at 9 over 153, the highest 36-hole total of his career. So apparently, boys & girls, when strippers aren't sucking, Tiger is.
Saying "I'm a people person" is a great way to let people know you're annoying.
Whenever I meet someone new, I'm a little afraid they won't like me. But I'm usually more afraid that they will.
I'm gonna invent a shot called 'Super Powers'.. so I can go up to a bar and order Super Powers for everyone!
I'd rather get hit by a car than hear a German guy have an orgasm.
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