August 2010 Roundup
16 August 2010
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Funny-Tweets.com tries to update the website with a new post around the 1st and 15th of each month. This post covers what has happened in Funny on the Twitterverse over the last 15 days of August. Thank you for stopping by and please follow us on Twitter or Grab our attention with your own funny tweet at
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The words "Illegal" and "Sexual" very much change the meaning of Alien Versus Predator.
Tired of songs that say Girl, drop it like it's hot. I want one that says Boy, brush your teeth, give me your jacket, I'm fucking freezing
It's so hot here today, I only came to work because it's air-conditioned...
Anyone who poses on the cover of Lowrider Magazine is in the running for "Person Least Vital to Society".
@terrellowens Shrek get off the phone with Fiona and lets go get a workout in before practice, i am in the weight room waiting, cmon son
I just read my Impala rental car has a "roomy trunk" so I will leave "nothing-and no one-behind." Chevy suggests I put people in the trunk?
I just don't see what's wrong with being a cougar. I mean at my age there's no one else left for me to date.
C'mon eminen, how about one song where you're happy about something.
On the plane I sat behind the asshole British judge from America's Got Talent. I wanted to insult him. I'm a pussy, so I didn't.
So bad, but so true! RT @GaryJBusey Women, in order to raise a child, you must first raise a penis.
In his first day since stepping down from BP, Tony Hayward took a shit in his neighbor's pool.
Leaving Portland this city has the most homeless white kids. No excuse thats being extra lazy.
Brett Favre could be lying dead in a coffin and I still wouldn't believe he's retiring.
Thinking ESPN's 7-hour Favre special called "The In-Decision" will air soon. Sponsors: Wrangler, Sears & AARP
Brett Farve to "retire." By "retire," he means "play football." By "play football" he means "not play football."
Brett Favre Retirement talk = Rappers saying this is their "last" CD
When Mexicans come in America they should at least give them a brochure on what's not in style anymore
Me: "Isn't it kind of early for a drink?" Dad: "If you knew the people I work with, you'd wonder why I don''t have a drink with breakfast."
Retweeting is like jerking off. It's not the original thing, but it's close enough and I'm tired.
In case you haven't heard, Brett Favre Swears He's Retiring, Scout's Honor, No Takesies-Backsies http://thisorth.at/blog/15
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience ... well, that comes from poor judgment.
"Hide your kids, hide your wife & hide your husband 'cause they rapin' everybody out here." -Antoine Dodson http://r.FunnyOrDie.com/tknty
Is anyone else noticing that there is a TON of awesome cleavage in Los Angeles today?
Interesting. RT @jeffreypjacobs: The Origin of Twitter's "Fail Whale" http://is.gd/dYjUj
"An American Trilogy" is actually about cheeseburgers, Cadillacs, and a fistful of uppers..
The pay phones in Blade Runner are SOOO futuristic!
(925): It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time ... http://ow.ly/2jPJc
Ghetto Superheroes exist! I present unto you, Queen FlameSheka! http://twitpic.com/2bcy2e
A comic saying another comic is a "Nice guy" is the same as a girl telling you her female friend has a "Great personality"
I might have to unfollow my own brother. RT @taylorhughes: I just unlocked the "Photogenic" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/bh07yF
As a Jew by birth, I reflect on the marriage of Chelsea Clinton and can't help feeling deep down - "heh, heh - we got another one". :P
Something that's always stuck with me is how Paul Giamatti says "pain-da-butt" instead of "pain in the butt"" in Private Parts. Just sayin.
The Flaming Vicks #indiefantasyfootballteams
I beat up 6 sharks today. While banging a mermaid. #sharkweek
This is what happens when you throw a brick in a washing machine http://youtu.be/307jRiE6t5I
#ChuckNorriz beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a staring contest. At the same time.
Great start to the morning with a surprise NFL random drug test, i love when they do this, it gives me a chance to piss excellence 4 them
Last night I found a little sushi place and ate dinner alone while reading a book and trying to look like the person I was pretending to be.
on a serious note, when vegans give blowjobs are they allowed to swallow?
Watching old Asians try to function in modern-day America is hours of priceless entertainment.
The look on a kid’s face when he drops an ice cream cone is the same look an adult has when he drops a kid.
(334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
BREAKING: Hero Pigeon Shits On A-Rod's Face During 600th-Home-Run Trot
600 home runs is the new 400 home runs.
Interruption breeds isolation // RT @KanyeWest Limitation spawns innovation
maybe no one likes you because you end every sentence with "and so..."
Jay Leno cracking jokes about Brett Favre's indecisiveness is like The Hills criticizing Jersey Shore for being shallow. (via @Schindizzle)
Todays mid-day meeting is about DUI, the film example they are using is Mr Turner being arrested, hilarious, please youtube this
hahaha the video that @OGOchoCinco is talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tramh0n4o9U
You ever love somebody so much you fucking stab them in the windpipe? Nope Eminem, I have not. Usually when I love somebody we just have sex
Precious is just Barney in a Grimace costume.
I had something damning to say about Post-It notes, but I can't remember what it was.
"I think a lot of families could benefit from a butler, they don't have to be all fancy and taught in England, just a mexican." -H. McDonald
Congratulations to steroids on yet another home run record!
It pretty much makes the same sound. Right? RT @DanaJGould Never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.
Without a doubt, the sickest basketball shot I've EVER seen. These Alabama boys got serious game...http://tinyurl.com/ydbefrz
WILL'S MAN TIP 46. If you have more than three close female friends, you're a female.
Girl wearing only a shirt: adorably hot. Guy wearing only a shirt: a nightmare. Why the double standard, SOCIETY???
there once was a man from nantuckett.. who got his ass beat for being from nantuckett
Celtics got @THE_REAL_SHAQ KG Ray Allen Paul Pierce can u say Hot Tub Time Machine 2001
You know who the real winners in the repeal of Prop 8 are?
Divorce lawyers.
#NoH8
Reading the Wikipedia entry for "Trapper Keeper" at 1:48 AM because OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?
It doesn't matter if the marriage is same sex. When you get married, sex isn't the same.
It's crazy the women can put their ass and tits in pix and everybody think it's cute, but if we put our dicks in pix we're a pervert.
"Checking In" on Foursquare is basically just begging strangers to come rape you.
Friends! Instead of yelling "Fuck!" or "Son of a Bitch!," try yelling "Jennifer's Biscuits!" It's just as satisfying.
I'm at a school supplies drive and it ain't no black kids here trying to get school supplies...the black kids in the studio rappin n singin
Rudy Giuliani's daughter wasn't shoplifting; she was "freedom buying."
Alcoholics are the easiest to buy a gift for.
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants, and get the hell out. I didn't want to get drilled anyway.
Wyclef Jean owes $2.1 million in taxes to the IRS. So now we know he's qualified to be a politician.
I don't know how they do it but girls working in clothing stores make "Hi, how are you" sound more aggressive than friendly.
Every time I talk to someone I'm secretly thinking "I better get a tweet out of this."
Looking at a sign that says "ATM machine." So, it's an automated teller machine machine?!
don't be the girl who says "i don't get along with other girls." all women hate each other; you're just too lazy to fake it.
That McDonald's commercial sucked so bad it made me racist, but the ethnicity of the actors is so vague I don't know who to hate.
If you're looking for a sugar daddy every other Friday, I am your man.
Prop 8 is totally fucking gay.
BP has finally cemented the hole shut. At least we know where there is oil now...and apparently an endless supply!
Wanna talk shit about old people? They're not on here.
Not sure if there's an award for "hottest woman seen eating Chicken McNuggets on a train," but I think I have a nominee.
Just saw an elegant woman riding a bmx bike in high heels. Winner of the whatthefuck contest!
Next thing you know, gays will want to take over all our musical theatre.
Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!
I like to show pictures of my kids before I let someone see me in a bikini that way they'll understand the sacrifice.
At what age do I inherit "old man strength"?
Twitter: Because people in real life suck.
Watching Weeds these past few days has given me a full no-homo man crush on @kevin_nealon gotta see him @thelaughfactory on Tuesdays
Somewhere right now its a dude begging a chick to "just let him put the head in"
Canadian or gay? Either way, it's too much enthusiasm for me.
People in the room next door to mine are having loud sex. I can't sleep, because I want to know how it ends. #murdersuicide
u know how they say drinking alone means ur an alcoholic? drinking in the shower doesn't count for that, right?
Tiger woods hasn't won shit since the side bitches left... Pussy is therapeutic people!
Of course kidnappers deserve ransom. Otherwise it's just unpaid babysitting.
If someone tells you to "agree to disagree" what they're really saying is to "fuck off and stop talking." #knowledgeispower
Boy, if these apartment walls could talk, huh guys? They'd be all, "How come you never bring any girls over here?".
Alright I followed and unfollowed Kanye West in the same hour. He's officially the most annoying Tweeter of all time.
Canadian or gay? Either way, it's too much enthusiasm for me.
Just saw a cute little boy eating a HUGE cookie! I taught him a lesson about loss that I know he'll appreciate one day.
there is a fine line between being drunk and getting in touch with your inner crackhead... that line may have been crossed last night
Whenever I'm at a crossroads, I ask myself, "What Would Wesley Snipes do?" Then I buy a gun and don't pay my taxes.
My calling in life always gets a busy signal. That's why I've never answered.
A Drake Univ. student allegedly raped his passed out frat brother. Doesn't he know the rules? Balls/head - ok. Dick/butt? Too far.
Tonights gonna be crazy 4 white guys preseason football is where we shine
I wish I had a solid closer.
The Teen Choice Awards confirm my belief that teens should not be given a choice.
Did you know that @OGochocinco and @terrellowens play for the #bengals and NOT #VH1? Weird.
If you want to see some great rollercoaster mishap pictures, here ya go - http://www.holytaco.com/25-hilarious-roller-coaster-photos
"If winning isn't everything, then who the hell invented the scoreboard?"- Coach Lawrence Logan Ramsay High School Baseball
No I can't read your poker face, Lady Gaga, but your stuttering is a dead giveaway.
Dad quote 2- "When I die, I wanna come back and live a privileged life so I hope it's as one of your dogs." -Wilbur Winstead
Everybody puts their "crap" in scrapbook
"I can't afford to donate anything... all of my money is tied up in wealth." - @chickmcgee1
@roywoodjr U killed my ass w/ that angry ass Nigerian shit *DEAD* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc3lPBdAHRs
Note to God: pineapple isn't worth the effort.
If there was a shirt that said, ''I'm so indie my favorite band will never exist,'' this Kroger employee would wear it proudly.
I'm not getting married until gays can marry too...I believe in equal opportunity misery.
Ladies, if a douchebag comes up to you with that lame "What's your sign?" line., just tell him that it's a stop sign.
And the winner is... RT @amandacoleen Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. VERY FUNNY!
People clowned Jane Fonda for constantly saying "Don't forget to breathe" in her workout videos, but as a blonde I appreciated the reminder.
If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays.
Twitter is like a toy you need to feed.
Back in LA, buying a gun.
Remember when tap dancing was cool back in nineteen never?
RELPY ALL + MY FATHER = DANGEROUS.
I like to watch Intervention to see which parent is at fault.
Finest rack in pop. Fact. // RT @Kulap: Twitterverse, I too am taken by Katy Perry's boobs.
I want to believe that most internet comments are written by unsupervised children, but the sad truth is that people are fucking stupid.
And, we have a winner: RT @morgan_murphy I would quit every job I ever had if I could do it by going down a slide.
"There are so many different sits ups I could show you, people don't even know they exist." - just heard at the gym
Pills overdose means I want attention. Shooting yourself in the head means I want 2 kill myself.
Today in 1929, Babe Ruth hit his 500th home run. Later, it would be revealed he was on several performance-disenhancing substances.
I listen to everything except country and rap. And you.
"Now, I ride a bike to work to save on gas money." = "I just got a DUI and my license is suspended."
If you're a rapper and nothing comes up when I google your name but your facebook page... #StopRapping
DEAR TWITTER, I WOULD RATHER FOLLOW LEMMINGS OFF A CLIFF THAN FOLLOW PARIS HILTON. STOP SUGGESTING HER.
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. ~ Frank Lloyd Wright
C Sheen celebrates “no jail” victory at Playboy Mansion. Guess if u threaten to kill your chick & she doesn’t record it, it never happened.
Before Twitter, there was only bathroom stalls.
The name Naomi is "I moan" spelled backwards. That's cool, I guess. Too bad there aren't any girls named Maercsi.
If this guy's outfit was a book, his shoes would be the sentence he doesn't want to forget. http://twitpic.com/2e1ngk
It must suck to be a shitty golfer who can't hang out with strippers anymore.
This tweet is inconsequential in any form. Yet the government will save it.
Just saw two examples within a minute of each other of why we should've been denying women the right to drive instead of vote. #real
Dr Laura Schlessinger had to apologize for saying the N word on her show. What a headline! "Cunt Sorry For Saying Nigger"
#Dontexpectmeto spell correctly when, I'm so drunk, my tweets look like CAPTCHA.
Flew JetBlue today. Now that I know what they are capable of, when I boarded I punched out my flight attendant
I would like watching Jersey Shore a lot more if they were white people
Sometimes I think my dog is depressed. Not my problem.
Ladies stop asking us how many girls we've been with. U don't wanna know the answer. Ask us how many girls we've made orgasm.
RT @warrreeeyorrr INTERNET BULLYING IS FOR THE WEAK, ONLY THOSE BORN OF THE RECTUM USE SUCH NON-WORTHY METHODS<- born of the rectum? DEAD!!!
With apologies to books, tits are way better.
I saw an empty Guiness can and a Magnum condom wrapper in the street today, closed my eyes and made a wish.
#intelligenthiphop We have been spending most of our existence in a hoodlum's utopia. - Coolio
#IntelligentHipHop Frm the wndow 2 the wall; until we perspire in our genital area; until that yng lady can't walk; ejaculate, ejaculate...
HOMELESS GUY: "Hey buddy can you spare 350 dollars?" ME: I wish. HIM: I wish more. #heisright
#intelligenthiphop Got out of bed/activated my charisma/took a look @ the mirror said 'salutations'/yes we're aquiring currency ow
Should you decide to purchase some marijuana, you can count on me contributing $5. #intelligenthiphop #luniz @roywoodjr
This stranger just brought up his relationship with Jesus Christ in mid-conversation. Name dropper!
Lions, bears, Robert DeNiro, sharks, me -- all equally intense.
#intelligenthiphop I thoroughly enjoy when you address me as a large paternal figure. #biggie
I just used "Lava Pussy" as an insult, but it might be the best nickname ever.
@roywoodjr #intelligenthiphop Yes! Oh let us carry out the endeavor! #wakaflocka
I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. ~ Woodrow Wilson
You are only as good as your last tweet.
Florida Marlins Delay Game Until Their Fan Shows Up http://onion.com/cUu0Vw
I see your vagina and I raise you my penis.
Want to be the life of the party? Kill everyone there.
"is that your dog?" "no, just a stray that i found with a leash that listens to my commands. but thanks anyway."
Dear Phony Friend...despite what your mouth is saying, your rancid spirit has already warned me.
Ate, Prayed, Laid.
Virginia is for lovers? More like losers.
Note to bed linen designers: not everything has to have fucking flowers on it. Jesus Christ.
Everytime I see a lady with a bible & a tattoo on her titty I think she was wild back in the day
God...this warm moist opening, I can't get enough of it. Hey sickos. I'm at a bakery. I having sex with this lady at a bakery...
if you told ppl in the past how much texting we do in the future, they'd go "what's texting?" then say something racist (via @SeanClements)
Pheonix I'm here! Translation: where the hoes at?
Whenever the yoga teacher whispers, "Go to your happy place..." I always want to whisper back, "Mine is Sephora..."
If poop could talk, it would probably sound like John Mayer.
Oh shit, they just called me Esteban again on madden, im finally famous , i like playing with myself (pause) on madden that is! Lmao
Today in 1935, the Social Security Act passed. FACT: Larry King's Social Security number is 3.
Dear 50 year-old man just starting to grow dreadlocks,
Buy a Corvette instead.
Love, Your Invalid Mid-life Crisis
Foot jewelry is the sign of a tramp.
I just freestyle rapped about my dog, to my dog for 10 minutes straight and he just looked at me and also occasionally out the window.
"You can count on me" - An Abacus
Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
Question. Who picks up guide dog sh*t?
I'm addicted to doing nothing. Oh, and pot, but that's unrelated.
"North Korea threatens South Korea." Gee, that doesn't sound like the North Korea I know.
North Korea reminds me of a friend's girlfriend who is always threatening suicide. Yunno what? Have at it.
Dear North Korea, Look we get it. You’re evil and have a small penis. Jeez. Get a hobby or an economy please. It’s boring.
Tweet.OF.THE.YEAR!! RT "@NFLFanHouse: Tebow just got knocked into the next testament."
Classic! RT @sportsguy33 My wife (reading Us): "Tell @erinandrews congrats for her "Who Wore It Best?" victory over Kim Kardashian!" Um...OK
RT @majorbaddude
You know the bathroom stinks when you try to breathe through your mouth to avoid the smell, but you get the taste.
"Entourage" should be called "Cameos".
#mathproblem Stripper + Christianity = Hooters Waitress
@roywoodjr stripper + twitter= "Internet model"
#Mathproblem R. Kelly - pissing on lil girls = Trey Songz
#Mathproblem Marriot Hotel + Drugs - Hospitality = Super 8
Greyhound Bus + Airplane Engine = Southwest Airlines
Related posts:
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Adam Moore, Adam Moore. Adam Moore said: August So Far | Jet Blue & More http://www.funny-tweets.com/august-10tweets/ Funny Tweets of Twitter Roundup–> Did you make it this week [...]
Found out today that you’re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger. RT http://funny-tweets.blogspot.com/
[...] Let's re-live August through Funny Tweets and don't forget to see what happened at the start of August. [...]
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http://t.co/CaLLr1tr THIS IS HILARIOUS lol 02/05/12 5:13am
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Lol I think this is hilarious . 02/05/12 5:13am
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RT @eatyourkimchi: I'm sorry, but this is hilarious. HA! RT @CarrotOmNomNom: S&M wished me happy bday but spelled my username wrongly :D http://t.co/S9AMq1mm 02/05/12 5:13am
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Lmao this is hilarious 02/05/12 5:12am
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Lol this is hilarious http://t.co/VHGw9veE 02/05/12 5:11am
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