Follow Me to a Funny August
1 September 2010
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Funny-Tweets.com tries to update the website with a new post around the 1st and 15th of each month. This post covers what has happened in Funny on the Twitterverse over the last 16 days of August (16th-31st).
Let's re-live August through Funny Tweets and don't forget to see what happened at the start of August.
Thank you for stopping by and please follow us on Twitter or Grab our attention with your own funny tweet at YourFunnyTweets
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I can't believe Queen Latifah is gay, I could have sworn she was Asexual
Showblockers!: 22 characters who stop good TV shows in their tracks. http://onion.com/biRP7A
A new morning after pill now works five full days after sex. Soon you can take a pill to kill your kid in his dorm room.
Sometimes my life is like one big heavy-flow period, and all I have are light-flow tampons.
I think if you have a goatee you look like a shitty magician. Happy Monday.
Coloring says a lot about a person. Outside the lines too much: retarded. Never outside the lines: gay.
I have 5 Uncles and two of them can't find work. Some how Middle Eastern men has put a strangle hold on American transportation.
In Focus: Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side Of The News' Segment http://onion.com/dknefU
I'll have a lesbian experience when lesbians start owning yachts.
15 years from now, there's a chance my son will be curious and read through all my old tweets. Just in case - Hey buddy, you're grounded.
"prenatal bikram yoga" should just cut to the point and call itself "premeditated miscarriage yoga"
I am officially the first to arrive at my own bachelor party. Punctuality has never been so lame.
Waiting for anything sucks. Waiting at SportsClips for a haircut is downright depressing
When plants want a hand job they use palm trees.
If my life was a song, someone would be turning it off and saying, 'the rest is pretty much the same.'
I hereby blame all future procrastination and weight gain on @Netflix “Watch Instantly”.
@chickmcgee1 Chick you said it best: Pre-season NFL: The games don't count; but the injuries do.
Ed Hardy energy drink...for when your thirst needs to be douchey too.
Embrace your best self but keep your asshole in your back pocket.
The bird is the word.
i'm 32 years old and i'm pretty sure i don't understand time zones.
Just read the most disturbing phrase on the back of a Hudson and Landry record- "true planned parenthood is kidnapping." Wow
Husband comes home wife watching a cooking channel, " y do u bother watching that? U still can't cook!" u watch porn & still can't fuck!
Patron is like a day late laxative! #TMItweet
Maybe they should print the Constitution on MCDonalds bags so Americans would be exposed to it more #Solutions
This girl workin @ Mcdonalds talkin bout a dude better put a ring on it..#childplease..U better put a bun on it. -(@OGOchoCinco voice)
NATURE FACT: Cats don't like it when their favorite rear-entry mating position is referred to as, "Doggy-Style".
I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.
You guys want to hear a joke? Reality television.
My Twifficiency score is shut the fuck up. Whats yours? http://itsjusttwitter.com/
Women and tax forms have a lot in common...Men love to cheat on them.
I just wish my mouth had a backspace key
Liberals are like those annoying people who try to wave everyone through at 4 way stops. Conservatives are disgusting asshole-faces.
Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher.
Bored. I wish a celebrity would beat somebody up.
Sunny coming at you on the 16th of Sept; bitches my balls is on fiiiiiyaaar! Waaaaa Hoooo
#ChuckNorriz does not have an iPod. He has a ChuckPod
Sometimes Freedom means tolerating things you hate; like a Muslim center near Ground Zero, Flag Burning, or Jonas Brothers.
Do lesbians boycott the term boycott?
Can we officially start calling Cadillac Williams "Daewoo Williams" this season? Those AU days are OVER!
A punch in the face is life's Direct Message.
A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.
Dallas feels like this is where heat was born and raised.
You're getting old when you lose interest halfway through masturbating.
The mouth attachment for my Dyson vacuum cleaner can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Just asked a coworked if the flowers were from her lover. They were from the office because her father died. Apparently I signed the card.
if DMX had a twitter it would only get updated every 6 to 8 months
I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." ~Quincy Jones
Upset about the mosque near ground zero? Express your feelings in a cartoon depicting Muhammed.
RT @Jim_Hamilton: I can't believe Obama is letting Al Qaeda build a 32-story Calvin pissing on Ground Zero!!!
I've yet to hear a Top Chef contestant announce the time left in a challenge without sounding like an asshole.
I'm a dog person (they're easier to blame farts on)
I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ I'm on twitter, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet
I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ I'm on twitter, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet
"Eat Pray Love" was the worst movie I have ever seen and I've seen the entire Tyler Perry repertoire.
Instead of seeing "Eat Pray Love," I wish I had gotten diarrhea for 135 minutes.
"Eat Pray Love" made me hate white people.
RT @robhuebel Watching pre-season football is like trying to masturbate to the phone book.
sadly, i'm still hanging onto that "win the lottery and tell everyone to fuck off" plan.
I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ Texas Whoppers, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet
RT @UncleQuillis I think I'm Big Meech/ Larry Hoover. Bush's Baked Beans, run right through ya! #rickrosstweet <- DEAD!!
If I ever have to crap and vomit at the same time, I'm gonna refer to it as getting the "Eat Pray Loves."
I feel like dumb people have so many more witticisms memorized than I do. Respect.
Gave the man $40 for gas and drove off without pumping it. That's the way I roll. #iamanidiot
Congressmen Blast Roger Clemens for Lying; 'That's Our Job'
Whenever my friends pass out, I draw Glenn Beck on their face with a sharpie. I know it's immature but I just love drawing a big dick!
Flight crew introduced themselves. @eddiepepitone asked, "Where's the beer-loving fruit loop who goes down the slide?"
Sending a message on Twitter to me, "Be our fan on Facebook" is not only irrational but warrants a social media breakup.
Stupid weather app won't let me rate today's weather. For the record, I give it 2 stars.
"Bromance" and "chilax" just made it into the dictionary. That Webster is turning into a real douchebag.
(716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Wait... So did Roger Clemens kill Nicole brown Simpson? I'm confused.
Hey "amateur" skateboarders, why don't you work on pulling off a heel flip first before perfecting the wardrobe and the shitty attitude?
(847): I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck" http://ow.ly/2sGa3
No.1 rule of taking someone shopping. If u can't correctly pronounce the brand... U can't get it!
Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.
RT @DrImperfect3 #oddjobs #oddjobs the 7th flag at Six Flags <- Brilliant.
Thinking of subscribing to US Magazine, just to keep up-to-the-minute on what not to give a flying frak about...
Is it possible to say "I'll be back" without doing the Arnold voice?
Hey guy dousing yourself in Axe® body spray to attract women: My dog thinks rolling around in a pile of shit attracts bitches too.
I just saw a police officer texting & driving his squad car is 102134 dekalb county. YEA I'M SNITCHING
♪Internet killed the video porn star!♫
Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.
The chicks on Bridezilla are always uglier than their bridesmades
Will be at UCF on Monday for freshman orientation, if you know what I mean. (I mean, helping to orient lost freshman, then screwing them)
Law and Order UTI #TerribleTV
AARP in Cincinnati #TerribleTV
When did Google become Haliburton?
Just finished writing a movie called "Suckit List." It's about all the women I want to meet before I die.
Good morning! It's 6:45. Just finished my 10k! On to wind sprints! Then the pool! I am a total fucking liar.
Sex would put me to sleep. I think Pussy has triptephin in it
When smug hipsters sneer at me, I want to shout "But I'm just like you! Except I applied myself and am happy with the resulting success!"
A neck tattoo is a good way to say, "your trust is unimportant to me."
Best Display of Self Control goes to Black folks that go on Judge Judy #CreativeEMMY
#CreativeEMMY Attention whore of the year, Lebron James. Accepting of his behalf, Brett Farve @roywoodjr
This asshole in Wendy's is making such a big deal of paying for his friends food! "No for real hommie I got this!" Its fucking Wendy's!
The Salmonella outbreak in eggs make me think that this could be a great bonus level for the Angry Birds app.
RT @M_somerville: Dear men with ponytails- Has anyone ever said "I really like your ponytail"?
Huge roof leak last night. Financial ass rape from roofer on tap this morning.
Which have you been with longer, your bank or your spouse?
Does the fountain of youth and the fountain of knowledge come from the same fictitious underground stream? ~ Don Rickles
So much rosemary. So little thyme.
is it me or is CVS like Toys R Us for adults? you buy stuff that fixes your mood for about...20 minutes.
San Francisco should take some inspiration from Johnsonville when choosing a new city motto. "Johnsonville: sausage is all we do"
Happy Monday, everybody. Today's "Clip of the Day" is by @nickthune http://bit.ly/9Kog5o
BP, the cash you're spending on ads about how you're helping people in the Gulf would be better spent actually helping people in the Gulf.
I hope someday that rappers get some self-confidence.
Don't say "Oh, you've got one in the oven" to a pregnant Jewish lady.
#DrunkUncleQuotes "I put the 'unk' in drunk"
RT @everythingro "U don't need no alarm clock-My Bills wake me up n the mornin!" #DrunkUncleQuotes<- LOL !
To the guy who cut in line at the coffee shop: I got your license plate number. See you later.
I'm convinced that Snooki is the 8th Dwarf named "Sloppy".
Just saw a Prius w/ the vanity plate: MYBRID. Bet they're SUPER FUN AT PARTIES.
I bet Bill Belichick has used info from his daughter's diary against her.
I'd like to suggest that people stop suggesting I like things on Facebook.
Whenever I see someone wearing those Dr. Dre headphones, I think "well, there goes someone who isn't good at spending money."
Don't ask me why I was looking up "diarrhea" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, just know that one of its synonyms is "Delhi Belly."
Too much computer time has my eyes dizzy, chicks on my facebook r beggin for my jizzy, damn I'm busy, the white P diddy or I might be biggie
RT @ladymisskate: Watching Friends. LIKE A ROSS.
Don't underestimate me. Underapproximate me.
RT @irokfashion: Whoever invented cookies is a fucking genius.
Dear Douche Bag wearing sunglasses in the grocery store, You are achieving the opposite effect of your goal.
Having your umbrella blown inside out is more embarrassing than it should be.
Basketball Wives should be renamed to Purposeless Bitches.
I'll bet the hardest part of being famous is pretending you don't want to smack Ryan Seacrest.
I love how porn stars call the pornos they are in "movies". Uh, you were in a porno, not "The English Patient".
I'm in Cape Cod but it feels more like I'm in November.
They should have consulted me waaay before this whole egg recall thing. I can spot a damaged chick from across the room.
Wendy Williams is built like Ray Lewis I think I saw her make 3 tackles in a preseason game this weekend.
When the office cookie jar is empty, I find I can always manage to scrape together the equivalent of half an oreo by shaking out my keyboard
Husband: Sometimes I think I just need to stop reading your tweets. Just for the sake of our marriage.
If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.
In a twist of irony, the line at the EZPass office is the longest wait known to man. They could use an ezpass lane http://twitpic.com/2ht38t
U ever lift weights that are so heavy that when u lift it u fart?...No?...Me either. Lol.
Think traffic in LA is bad. Check out this 9 day, 100km jam in China happening right now: http://bit.ly/9DQm1B
I dare the Red Hot Chili Peppers not to sing about California for one year! #thegreatrhcpchallenge2010
I think we can safely rule out any guy with hair highlights to be a terrorist. Too much work to turn around and blow himself up.
Txtin while driving is dangerous. Drivin while watching a movie + using a sex toy & smoking crack = Evel Knievel http://tinyurl.com/24sk6es
Dear NFL I apologize for tweeting during the game but that was 2 monthsof my Bugatti payments you just took from me,I won't do it again
Feels like just yesterday that I was parked outside my ex-wife's office crying, when in reality it was 2 day ago.
Cable guy asked to use my bathroom, I told him it would be open sometime between 6 and midnight
"She saw the size of my shoes and GOD, I know I could never live up to that!"
Beware of saying, "Damn it!" around beavers.
Johnny Damon turns down trade to Red Sox from Detroit. Marking the first time anyone wanted to stay in Detroit.
Has a black person ever been attacked by a shark?
RT @TheDanPeckShow samuel L jackson in "Deep Blue Sea", first and only known death of black guy via sharkbite @garyowencomedy
@roywoodjr #blackhorrordeaths Cane in Menace 2 Society, I know it wasnt no horror film but that part used to haunt me
#blackhorrormoviedeaths Tales from the Hood had the best line in black horror movie history.. "Welcome to hell muthafukkaaaaasssssssssssss"
RT @TheDanPeckShow #BlackHorrorMovieDeaths Michael Jackson, "This is It" #EndOfTheTrend <- Agreed. I'm done. No one can top that one. LOL!
@roywoodjr just reading your #BlackHorrorMovieDeaths TT. You know LL has a clause in contracts to where he doesn't die in films. #Badass
Hahahahahaha!! RT @chrisdelia: Hey, Paul Walker. Matthew McConaughey called. He wants his Lorenzo Lamas back.
If the Dalai Lama really wants to inspire he should post more sweet porn links.
The egg recall sounds like the biggest Easter egg hunt ever.
Yo I ate a egg and my dick fell off!
@roywoodjr @BostonShawn LL Cool J would survive The Perfect Storm, defying the stereotype about blacks & swimming... in a storm #LLCLAUSE
I'm still in bed.
awesome or super awesome?
Aint even no money in rapping for real.
The problem with make up sex is that you have to actually make up.
Who you calling "Native Americans"?! We prefer "Native American-Americans."
Can't tweet now, I'm on the elliptical! #thenhowdidyoutweetthat
#youknowwhatsannoying when black people act like niggas in front of white people. Be a nigga at home
Today in 1931, Regis Philbin was born. He is the oldest and most annoying of all the Muppets.
"Who's that actor?" "I don't know, and I may never know." (Watching TV Before the Internet)
"Girl you have enough junk in your trunk for AT LEAST two episodes of Antique Roadshow!" #failedpickuplines
real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.
I remember when I used to want to be just like Mase, around 98 I would run around the house saying " hey mama, won't u come here to papa"
Probably not a good sign for a relationship when you encourage your date to use the phone during dinner.
I've never grown up. I've just stopped hiding what I did from my parents and started hiding it from my kids.
'Tis better to be followed and unfollowed than never to be followed at all.
Came up with an emoticon for shitting. You're welcome! --> 3~~
I can't decide if it's cheaper to pay my doctor's bill or to hire a defense attorney to represent me after I burn their practice down.
You know, I try to dress my age but it’s very hard to find fig leaves.
Only a cock would call cockroaches "palmetto bugs".
"Real beauty is on the inside" - a vagina
virgin drinks are the opposite of hard drinks, but virgin isn't the opposite of hard. PS easy is the opposite of hard AND virgin.
I just diagnosed myself with Restless Dick Syndrome
Got a new definition for dudes that think they're cool but aren't. They're now called "Catchyalaters". So, who's your favorite Catchyalater?
Having a shit day???? Check this out!...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rxXamfh5c
The quietest swear word? Sh-h-h-h-h-h-hit.
Glenn Beck should be the poster boy FOR abortion.
Kudos to the guy who stood behind the Today Show hosts all morning and held up a sign that said "Snow Balls." A true WTF moment!
That cookie was way too strong yesterday. I'm done with pot for a few hours. @
Want to turn a ho into a housewife? That only works in Scrabble®.
I can no longer tell whether a rapper is kidding or not. Translation: Rap is no longer good.
(701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
"Hey, guys. It's time to woman-up." (Never Said Phrases)
I wanna be just famous enough for someone to make a "@NotDreCrumbs" Twitter account.
"Once a dude take the playstation out the house. He is done with you ladies." @roywoodjr is too funny http://t.co/qRnHNZl
FACT: If you hear Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" in the morning, it will be in your head ALL DAY.
It's good luck if a bird shits on you. It's AMAZING luck if you can return the favor.
Dear Hip Hop artists: You've got the whole rest of the world to wreck, leave Twitter alone.
Couldn't decide if my schedule would fit a 2nd job but I got one at the clock factory so I can make the time.
Any chance the next stop on @GlennBeck's "I'm Just Like MLK Jr. Tour" is a motel in Tennessee?
Cabby has a prescription rear view mirror! Wow that's a first
Sometimes I think that the people who work at Wal-Mart are as ashamed as I am to be shopping there.
Just found out my girlfriend spells donut "doughnut." I am now questioning everything
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this Glenn BecKKK is really OKKK! Do you thinkKKK? (<They'll never cracKKK my code.)
Shout out to @ogochocinco I love watching you play nigga catch the ball. Fuck that catch the ball
@PatGodwin Make sure you follow @50cent ... he just tweeted about finding a black girl to do anal and his grandma getting an abortion
@ogochocinco are you retarted nigga I said I love the way you play
Man I love being me I just do what the fuck I wanta do who ever don't like it can kiss my black ass
Pot, alcohol, coke, sex tapes; I think Paris would be pretty fun to hang out with.
Having coke in Vegas is not a real crime, right? Doesn't Southwest give you an eight ball when you land there?
Obamas ratings are down cause he didn't include pimpin and hoein in stimulus package. Good hoes would boost male moral and fix the recession
Shit I should run america. first thing I'd do is cut my taxes then tell yal chill the fuck out ima get to the rest of the problems
Go Bananas in Cincinnati has it all figured out. God bless this place. http://twitpic.com/2j3db4
Hypochondriac Thought for the Day: Is that sweat dripping down the back of my leg...or blood?
Oh, cool you're at a pre-emmy party? Nice. I took a dump today. That's something too.
Back home after watching two scoreless soccer games. I may rob a bank just to get my heart rate up.
The higher the heel the worse the childhood.
"I'm feelin this dude...yes homo" -#thegayrapper
paris was caught w/ cocaine. She better chill or she may spend another tough 6 minutess in jail. #Smh
Hey don't drink milk in public.
The only reason I eat shrimp, is because I like coctail sauce :-/
On my way to Cincinnati; when ever I think that it makes me feel like I'm a traveling salesman. [I suppose in a way I am?:)]
Strip Clubs are like broken lady zoos.
Of all my addictions, Twitter is both the funniest and the saddest.
A man should never say "bye bye" when hangin up the phone w/another nigga
A year ago someone who said "I'm the mayor of Kentucky Fried Chicken" was an insane old homeless man. Now he's a hipster teen with an iPhone
Not having Goodfellas would be worth it if it also meant not having the 50,000 guidos who modeled their personalities on those characters.
More thoughts on Tiger and Elin’s break-up: Why is it that a divorce becomes final but never a marriage.
On a scale of 1 to Kat Stacks how often do you seek attention
Christina Hendricks' tits are nuts.
#bignaturals #breastsnballz
Watching the Emmys. Pulling for Cheaters.
If Julie Bowen and Maria Menounos rubbed their stick bodies together it would start a fire
I'm #livetweeting from under January Jones's dress. #emmys
There's a reason that they're called "Writers" and not "Talkers"... #Emmys
Judge Greg Mathis #ShouldveWonAnEmmy Best Edge-Up in a Supporting Role.
Lebron James #shouldvewonanemmy 4 best waste of time special on ESPN. Runner up- Brett Favre
Best Cable Comedy Writing Emmy went to Time-Warner for claiming in an eStatement that they value their customers.
Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream, people.
Emmy party update: Betty White farted and it smells like strawberries and sunshine.
Congrats to all of the rich, famous people who are now richer and more famous thanks to tonight's Emmy wins. #thingsthatmatter
At an airport early morning. #DontEataMcGriddleAzizYouWillRegretIt
Oh yeah, if you to hard to smile or you a thug of some sort make today WAMW Monday= Wish A Mothafucka Would try me on monday #positive
Badass marine sitting next to me helped with my bag and called me mam. I think I dishonorably discharged
I've been asked this a lot today, so everyone listen up. For the record: Yes, I want to display unsecure items.
Two grown men share this house, which means we don't buy more toilet paper until we've run out of paper towels.
My leg is on fire. ROTF
(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't believe it's been 5 years since Tyler Perry's Hurricane Katrina.
Dr. Oz looks too much like Mr. Bean for me to take seriously.
I was making a bad joke but I actually think a good name for a new bar would be Chin-Up Bar.
Lindsay Lohans mistreatment is front page news, as it should be. God bless America
I want to have sex with roughly 9 out of every 8 women I encounter.
Is Wendy Williams Oprah's son?
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