The Best February Twitter Tweets

25 February 2010 View Comments

I Has Twitter?

Those of you having trouble understanding this "Whole Twitter thing"…Twitter can best be described as sending a text message to the world in 140 characters or less because who has time for proper English anymore. Soon we will be speaking all in abbreviations (The new Morse Code).

What has been going down in the Short Month of February? Well we have black history month, The Olympics began (The whitest sports ever), we have tweets about prescription drugs, drugs in general, weed (not a drug), drinking, sex, Tiger Woods sex (He's clearly a Pro on and off the Course). We have new made up Cusswords and some great links to stories and videos. Keep sending us YourFunnyTweets and recommending Funny People to Follow – Thanks!

Grab our attention, Follow Us and/or send your Funny tweet via @YourFunnyTweets.

Tweet directly at us right now or just send out a Twitter message using this tool —->>


	
		
			
		
		
			YourFunnyTweets
		
		(Adam Moore)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit

				
				
					On 4:24 PM Jan 8th 2010
					from web

Add to favorites


	
		
			
		
		
			MyNameisRazzle
		
		(Razzle)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I'm not super into the Winter Olympics, but every time I hear news of an American winning a Gold Medal  I just smile and say "Damn right.."

				
				
					On 1:38 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			markhoppus
		
		(Mark Hoppus)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Can't wait for figure skating. REALLY hope Will Ferrell takes it home!!

				
				
					On 2:39 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					This game is ON the chain

				
				
					On 3:27 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			KrystalGibbon
		
		(Krystal Quinn Gibbon)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					It'd be cool if Old Testament God showed up and everyone was all "no way!" and he was like "Yahweh!"

				
				
					On 3:50 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from WitStream


	
		
			
		
		
			WhitneyCummings
		
		(Whitney Cummings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					This pretty much made me laugh out loud. RT @jesuschrist3000: @BarackObama you suck balls

				
				
					On 4:51 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			eddiepepitone
		
		(eddie pepitone)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.

				
				
					On 4:52 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			eddiepepitone
		
		(eddie pepitone)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.

				
				
					On 4:52 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			atencio
		
		(Peter Atencio)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The original title of Valentine's Day was "We Called In A Favor: The Movie." it was produced by Harvey Levin.

				
				
					On 5:01 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I saw scottie pippen and I swear he has to have the laziest face I've ever seen

				
				
					On 5:56 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from MOTOBLUR


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If I were in the FBI when I busted down doors I would NEVER just say "FBI!" I'd STRICTLY say "F-B-FUCKIN-I!!!" every single time I did it.

				
				
					On 8:49 AM Feb 15th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Dick Cheney has emerged from his hole, which means six more weeks of lying. At least.

				
				
					On 2:02 PM Feb 15th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			therealamaru
		
		(Amaru)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Yo mama so bootleg that her Coach purse says Assistant Coach!

				
				
					On 5:38 PM Feb 15th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			ActuallyNPH
		
		(Neil Patrick Harris)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I friggin' love the Olympics. I never thought I could care so much for people or sports that I just learned about six minutes beforehand.

				
				
					On 6:25 PM Feb 15th 2010
					from Twitterrific


	
		
			
		
		
			JoshSneed
		
		(Josh Sneed)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Between the snow here in Cincinnati and 99% of the Winter Olympic athletes, this is the whitest Black History Month ever.

				
				
					On 11:32 PM Feb 15th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MyNameisRazzle
		
		(Razzle)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Southwest Airlines kicked Kevin Smith off a flight for being overweight....I think it's just delayed payback for making Jersy Girl.

				
				
					On 11:39 PM Feb 15th 2010
					from txt


	
		
			
		
		
			ArdenMyrin
		
		(Arden Myrin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Turns out Hollywood Boulevard is even creepier during the day than at night. A guys backpack looked like it wanted to get me pregnant today.

				
				
					On 12:39 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#nowplaying wit my penis

				
				
					On 1:07 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			SarahKSilverman
		
		(Sarah Silverman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I just thought of a great slogan for people who are against gay rights:  "Keep Faggots Single."  
You're welcome.

				
				
					On 4:16 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			jimtews
		
		(jimtews)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Favorite karaoke moment: When the singer realizes their falsetto sounds like shit, so they drop it down an octave. Which sounds just as bad.

				
				
					On 4:18 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from Ping.fm


	
		
			
		
		
			DougBenson
		
		(Doug Benson)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The voice in the current Visa commercials is God. You're welcome.

				
				
					On 4:29 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from txt


	
		
			
		
		
			jasoncollings
		
		(Jason Collings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					When people have magazines in their bathroom, to me its like they're saying "here wipe your ass with this magazine"

				
				
					On 5:06 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			jimgaffigan
		
		(jim gaffigan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					In bars guys act like they r in beer commercial, girls act like they r in a shampoo commercial.

				
				
					On 6:35 AM Feb 16th 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			ryandalton
		
		(Ryan Dalton)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					To the people at Tool Academy... Well done. Your brilliance keeps persevering! #toolacademy

				
				
					On 12:57 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from OpenBeak


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Capturing the Taliban's #2 guy sounds like a big deal until you remember that our #2 guy is Biden.

				
				
					On 1:45 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			thesulk
		
		(Alec Sulkin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Having sex with a girl on her period is now called "The V-8 Splash".

				
				
					On 4:44 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			TheOnion
		
		(The Onion)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool http://onion.com/cCTnTo

				
				
					On 6:00 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			WhitneyCummings
		
		(Whitney Cummings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Jenna Jameson started acting in porn to get back at her cheating boyfriend. Warms my heart.

				
				
					On 6:09 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			joewilsontv
		
		(Joe Wilson)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Isn't a recession Lent for all of us?

				
				
					On 7:05 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			ryandalton
		
		(Ryan Dalton)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Joe the Plumber is in the news again? He would be far more interesting now if he changed his name to "Joe the Pornographer".

				
				
					On 7:10 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lizzwinstead
		
		(Lizz Winstead)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Holy Fuck. There is so much psychotic plastic surgery on 40 something women in LA, they need a show called Krugertown

				
				
					On 8:49 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			drecrumbs
		
		(Dre Crumbly)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					whoever made showing breasts a part of the mardi gras tradition deserves a throne and a small country.. #justsayin

				
				
					On 9:07 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Being American is kind of like farting; not so bad unless it's obvious.

				
				
					On 9:35 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I can tell exactly what Gordon Ramsey's penis would look like.

				
				
					On 10:31 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					if they stop liquor in atlanta strip clubs it really dont make sense to be in atlanta anymore

				
				
					On 11:29 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			azizansari
		
		(Aziz Ansari)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Check out the baller first tweet from my cousin Harris. Trending topic? Only a matter of time. RT PLS: @harrisrules13 eating macaroni

				
				
					On 11:29 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			Jim_Hamilton
		
		(Jim Hamilton)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Don't bother flirting with the girl from accounting. She knows how much money you make.

				
				
					On 11:29 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			brookbristow
		
		(Brook Bristow)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I am giving up past participles for Lend.

				
				
					On 11:33 PM Feb 16th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					call this bill collector and aggravate the shit out of them cuz they keep calling doin it to me 202 607 2748

				
				
					On 12:22 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Rappers say "Fuck bitches. Get money." But that's way too hard.  Sometimes I just feel like chillin and getting coffee. Bup bup bup!

				
				
					On 12:29 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			b_donovan
		
		(brian donovan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Kevin Eubanks quits the Tonight Show. Search is on for another person who finds Leno's jokes funny.

				
				
					On 1:08 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			willsasso
		
		(Will Sasso)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I just witnessed a guy making his girlfriend laugh with a Borat impression... so I knocked him out and fucked her on top of his limp body.

				
				
					On 1:14 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			lizzwinstead
		
		(Lizz Winstead)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					For Lent I am giving up hope.

				
				
					On 1:42 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			brookbristow
		
		(Brook Bristow)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					@YourFunnyTweets Sen. Evan Bayh is retiring b/c he hates Congress – making him the 1 politician actually in step with mainstream America.

				
				
					On 2:06 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from web
					 in reply to Adam Moore


	
		
			
		
		
			ScottAukerman
		
		(Scott Aukerman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Heard that "Don't Ask/ Don't Tell"'s original name was "Don't Go There/ Oh No You Didn't."

				
				
					On 4:18 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Just heard a Latino girl at The Apple Store seriously ask for "a 16 Jiggabyte iPhone." Thank you, god.

				
				
					On 3:18 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Olympics happen every 2 years, are full of pageantry, and have no actual effect on our lives. Much like elections.

				
				
					On 2:41 AM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MARLONLWAYANS
		
		(marlon wayans)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#adyingbreed celebrities. After the fat asian dad from kate plus 8 blew up. Any1 can be a star I guess.

				
				
					On 10:11 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			sarahcolonna
		
		(Sarah Colonna)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Paris Hilton's "job"  #unsolvedmysteries

				
				
					On 10:12 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MARLONLWAYANS
		
		(marlon wayans)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#adyingbreed drug dealers. Shit with these doctors and prescription meds the brother selling a nickel bag will be extinct like the bufflo

				
				
					On 10:34 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			willsasso
		
		(Will Sasso)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I just got a text from my pal @chrisdelia that read, "Bro, I'm sexual." Please retweet.

				
				
					On 10:47 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I want to get a blowjob in a 2004 white Range Rover with tan interior (from a chick).

				
				
					On 10:42 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			codenameduchess
		
		(Sterling Archer)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Tapioca pudding.  Con: insane amount of carbs and sugars.  Pro: tastes like you're going down on an angel.

				
				
					On 11:49 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			SamGrittner
		
		(Sam Grittner)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					It looks like Shaun White is unbeatable and that's refreshing... A ginger that isn't going to be beat.

				
				
					On 11:50 PM Feb 17th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			EricStangel
		
		(Eric Stangel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					MLB - Pitchers & Catchers reported today. The Washington Nationals were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention

				
				
					On 1:45 AM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			DougBenson
		
		(Doug Benson)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Most common answers to "I'm in Atlanta, now what?" 1) Leave 2) Smoke a bowl. Well, I'm definitely gonna do one of those! #moreoptionsplease

				
				
					On 3:48 AM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			thomaslennon
		
		(Thomas Lennon)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Cheers to Lindsey Vonn for showing the world that a rich super-hot blonde from Vail can accomplish anything she sets her mind to.

				
				
					On 5:54 AM Feb 18th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			PatGodwin
		
		(Pat Godwin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Obama meets with the Dalai Lama today… Obama, Lama, Lama, Obama.

				
				
					On 1:45 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			OGOchoCinco
		
		(Chad Ochocinco)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#tigershouldsay i blame this shit on NIKE, they said just do it

				
				
					On 1:50 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					lets make some new cuss words

				
				
					On 4:48 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					say again bitch RT @FAUXMODEL Hoe ass semen guzzler!!! #newcussword

				
				
					On 4:52 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#newcussword wacka flocka

				
				
					On 4:53 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#newcussword im pregnant

				
				
					On 4:54 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					u kiss yo moma wit that mouth? RT @thisguyrio @lilduval #newcussword wank tang bitchfuck

				
				
					On 4:58 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#newcussword suck my jimmy choo

				
				
					On 5:04 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			ryandalton
		
		(Ryan Dalton)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					You're welcome for me distracting you from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  That stuff is boring anyway. #thingstigershouldsay

				
				
					On 5:39 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			joegarden
		
		(Joe Garden)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The definition of insanity is repeating the same cliché about the definition of insanity over and over and expecting a different reaction.

				
				
					On 6:25 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			myqkaplan
		
		(myq kaplan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					picked up a new book: ventriloquism for dummies.

				
				
					On 7:25 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MARLONLWAYANS
		
		(marlon wayans)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#newyorkis where u may see a "homothug" beat the shit out a of "thug" nigga

				
				
					On 10:03 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The most French thing is a black guy with blond hair who is French.

				
				
					On 10:09 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			markhoppus
		
		(Mark Hoppus)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My prediction: at the end of LOST this season, they find all the missing socks from the dryer.

				
				
					On 11:01 PM Feb 18th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			SarahKSilverman
		
		(Sarah Silverman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Ugh. Just a reminder that THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM is on tonight.  If you don't watch we'll get cancelled& it will be ur fault.

				
				
					On 1:06 AM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			DilPickles
		
		(Dylan Leonard)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					A man sues the US mint for false advertising because he choked on quarter. He says it wasn't minted, but had more of a metallic taste.

				
				
					On 3:03 AM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MARLONLWAYANS
		
		(marlon wayans)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#isitme or do u NOT give a fuck what people are #nowplaying

				
				
					On 3:07 AM Feb 19th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			capricecrane
		
		(caprice crane)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Swiss hookers are trained on defibrillators. Which means I'm not even qualified to be a prostitute.  A new low.

				
				
					On 4:20 AM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			bobandtom
		
		(Bob and Tom)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The best thing Tiger Woods could do at this press conference is admit to taking Steroids... that might at least change the subject.

				
				
					On 4:04 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			TheOnion
		
		(The Onion)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Sports: Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex http://onion.com/cv3tEk

				
				
					On 4:08 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from twitterfeed


	
		
			
		
		
			TONYROCK
		
		(Tony Rock)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Do you REALLY need 'treatment' if you love pussy??

				
				
					On 4:13 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			FunnyMrBiggs
		
		(Mr. Biggs)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					This would be way more entertaining if he said something along the line of "I'm gonna miss nailin' some those bitches though!" #tigerwoods

				
				
					On 4:15 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My takeaway: For 17 minutes, Tiger did not bone anyone. Rehab success! #tigerspeaks

				
				
					On 4:17 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			RealGilbert
		
		(Gilbert Gottfried)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Tiger is truly sorry about being rich, famous and getting loads of snatch.

				
				
					On 4:21 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			toddbarry
		
		(Todd Barry)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Spoiler alert: Tiger's sorry.

				
				
					On 4:21 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			kirkfox
		
		(Kirk Fox)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Did Tiger say he was a buddhist or a boobist? It's official, Tiger is a robot.

				
				
					On 4:22 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			gregbehrendt
		
		(gregbehrendt)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I'm Tiger Woods & I don't owe anyone an apology except my wife & family so the rest of you fucks can kiss my ass       #ifiwrotetigersspeech

				
				
					On 4:24 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			EricStangel
		
		(Eric Stangel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The ratings are in: Tiger's was the highest rated fake apology in TV history, surpassing Bill Clinton's

				
				
					On 4:28 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			JennieBinSC
		
		(Jennie B Fiechtl)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Best #tiger tweet! RT @simonashton I wish he had come out looking like Dennis Rodman, a girl on each arm and just said "Tiger's back, baby!"

				
				
					On 4:30 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from HootSuite


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The term "hundo" was invented so that people can sound cute when asking to borrow money.

				
				
					On 5:07 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			McBrewster
		
		(McBrewster)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If you try and sell a copy machine to some chick off craigslist who publishes a Zine about moustaches and she flakes on you=blame yourself!

				
				
					On 7:16 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			DanWMartin
		
		(Dan Martin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					New Discovery: people farting in my dreams is hilarious.

				
				
					On 8:42 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			robdelaney
		
		(rob delaney)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Other dudes LOL so hard when I pull my pants/underwear all the way down to my ankles like a little boy to pee at a public urinal.

				
				
					On 9:13 PM Feb 19th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Farts? RT @amandabynes "Whatever u think the world's withholding from u, ur withholding from the world." - Eckhart Tolle

				
				
					On 7:02 AM Feb 21st 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			paulandstorm
		
		(Paul and Storm)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					[S] Driving through L.A...even the ugly people here are attractive.

				
				
					On 8:42 AM Feb 21st 2010
					from twidroid


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#whatifGod said "no nigga u are the enemy"

				
				
					On 2:49 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Swift


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#whatifGod said "if I would've known u was gon act like that I would've made u ugly"

				
				
					On 2:51 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Swift


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#whatifGod motto was "u just do u and Ima do me"

				
				
					On 3:03 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			amyschumer
		
		(Amy Schumer)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Can't compete with Orange County woman. They have that, I was abused just enough to be fun in bed but not too needy after look.

				
				
					On 3:28 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from mobile web


	
		
			
		
		
			WhitneyCummings
		
		(Whitney Cummings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Just figured out why babies cry on planes. They're used to having much more legroom in a uterus.

				
				
					On 4:07 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Sorry if I'm old-fashioned, but he picked the wrong time to masturbate.   http://twitpic.com/14kl6r

				
				
					On 5:44 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			davidalangrier
		
		(David Alan Grier)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					They need a new TV show called Celebrity Relapse! I'd watch the hell outa that!

				
				
					On 6:29 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			gregbehrendt
		
		(gregbehrendt)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					In the future when you explain to the kids your ball cap worn low & turned inexplicably to the side they will ask "So you weren't retarded?"

				
				
					On 7:08 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			kylekinane
		
		(Kyle Kinane)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Restaurant sign said "Taste how much we care." That is the most ominous sentence I've heard in a while.

				
				
					On 7:39 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lizzwinstead
		
		(Lizz Winstead)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Saw Shitter Island last night. That's my review.

				
				
					On 7:52 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			tommabe
		
		(Tom Mabe)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Good Ol fashion Car Jacking! http://bit.ly/cDPPZA

				
				
					On 8:48 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			myqkaplan
		
		(myq kaplan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					just saw an ordinary guy crossing an ordinary street. how pedestrian.

				
				
					On 9:11 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			SarahKSilverman
		
		(Sarah Silverman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Saying, "I don't wanna be THAT GUY" exists exclusively as a precursor to being "that guy."

				
				
					On 9:12 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Ladies let's go head and get it out the way right now. Send me yo naked pics.

				
				
					On 11:25 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from MOTOBLUR


	
		
			
		
		
			MyNameisRazzle
		
		(Razzle)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If you rear end a Toyota Prius....is that considered a Hate Crime?

				
				
					On 11:30 PM Feb 21st 2010
					from txt


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Hi. If you stretch your balls out they look like a bat's wing. Bye.

				
				
					On 12:14 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			birbigs
		
		(Mike Birbiglia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					i'm so glad john mayer remade "free fallin'" i always liked the original, but felt like it was missing something...oh yeah, nothing.

				
				
					On 12:23 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			lizzwinstead
		
		(Lizz Winstead)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Healthcare costs are spiraling so far out of control in California that even Dr Pepper has raised it's price 39 percent. #hcr #p2

				
				
					On 12:55 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			robhuebel
		
		(Rob Huebel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Just got kicked out of my pottery class. I seem to have made one too many dick-shaped things. It's a gift.

				
				
					On 1:13 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			WhitneyCummings
		
		(Whitney Cummings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I think everyone at my gym gave up holding in farts for lent.

				
				
					On 1:46 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					We have to let Canada win, guys. If we don't, they'll have nothing left to be proud of.

				
				
					On 2:38 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			sofifii
		
		(Sophia rossi)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Just saw a birth control commercial that goes "who says you have to have 12 periods a year" .umm I'm pretty sure NATURE says that!

				
				
					On 3:33 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			friedmanjon
		
		(Jon Friedman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If I were an ice dancer I'd ask my partner to marry me right after we won gold because she'd be forced to say yes to not ruin the moment!

				
				
					On 3:47 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			MyNameisRazzle
		
		(Razzle)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Marketing Genius..   http://bit.ly/bX29jU

				
				
					On 4:30 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			thomaslennon
		
		(Thomas Lennon)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					On behalf of actors everywhere, thanks to Tiger Woods for making reading words with emotion seem REALLY DIFFICULT.

				
				
					On 4:46 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			friedmanjon
		
		(Jon Friedman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					How the Biathlon was born: "Cross country skiing is so boring."  "What if we gave them guns?"

				
				
					On 5:09 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			diablocody
		
		(Brook Busey)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Just announced, "Look, my new Ped-Egg worked!" while carrying a bowl of shaved Parmesan. Didn't get a laugh.

				
				
					On 5:46 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jaymohr37
		
		(Jay Mohr)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My wife: "Do you know why neither one of us saw Lord Of The Rings?"
Me: "Why?"
My wife: "Because we have sex."

				
				
					On 9:40 AM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			TheOnion
		
		(The Onion)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners http://onion.com/da2I1I

				
				
					On 3:14 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from twitterfeed


	
		
			
		
		
			brookbristow
		
		(Brook Bristow)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Strangest thing just happened. As I crossed the border into South Carolina & passed the Welcome Center, I swear I heard Sandstorm.

				
				
					On 5:21 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			DanaJGould
		
		(Dana Gould)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

				
				
					On 6:07 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If you don't read @mommywantsvodka's blog http://mommywantsvodka.com - it is time to start.

				
				
					On 6:08 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			SamGrittner
		
		(Sam Grittner)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Gov. Schwarzenegger caused a panic at Toyota today when he visited a Prius Factory and mentioned 'Total Recall.'

				
				
					On 6:29 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			kellyoxford
		
		(kelly oxford)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					When sexually active, the most effective method of birth control is homosexuality.

				
				
					On 7:00 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			TheRealRyanHiga
		
		(Ryan Higa)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My dog needs to learn how to use an inside voice...

				
				
					On 7:38 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Accept that Uggs are out of style and move on.

				
				
					On 8:03 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			steveagee
		
		(steve agee)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					the fake bullet holes on the back of your car make me want to put real ones in the back of your head

				
				
					On 8:24 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenpdot
		
		(lauren palmigiano)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Favorite headline of the day: Susan Sarandon Vomited On By A Transsexual

				
				
					On 9:01 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			rebeccakelley
		
		(Rebecca Kelley)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					WTF, Whole Foods' 365 Organic brand is made in China? http://bit.ly/4l6Y8F (via @lindaswarner)

				
				
					On 9:28 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			robhuebel
		
		(Rob Huebel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I sometimes worry when I'm watching internet pornography that somehow my webcam is on.  Or that my phone in my pocket has called my mom.

				
				
					On 9:56 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			michaelianblack
		
		(Michael Ian Black)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					LA is to self-hatred what genital warts are to genital-hatred.

				
				
					On 10:36 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			ChelseaVPeretti
		
		(Chelsea Peretti)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Why didn't god make genitals smell like cinnamon bread? Or something

				
				
					On 10:47 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			shitmydadsays
		
		(Justin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

				
				
					On 11:02 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			elibraden
		
		(Eli Braden)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					A close female acquaintance loves when I dominate her via anal sex.  Ass king for a friend.

				
				
					On 11:18 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			chrisdelia
		
		(Chris D'Elia)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If there were ever 3 elite covert operatives for the CIA set up at Starbucks, this would be them. http://tweetphoto.com/12220214

				
				
					On 11:23 PM Feb 22nd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			rebeccakelley
		
		(Rebecca Kelley)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					DH: "Barnacles are so gross. They're like the pimples of the ocean."

				
				
					On 12:00 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			paulscheer
		
		(Paul Scheer)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I love writing in Coffee Shops b/c every now & then I'll pause pensively & ask the person next 2 me if u spell poopie with an IE or a Y

				
				
					On 12:26 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			PatGodwin
		
		(Pat Godwin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					When Ellen dances, a little bit of my d*ck dies.

				
				
					On 12:46 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			MARLONLWAYANS
		
		(marlon wayans)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					#imNotattractedto  married women... if you aren't fuckin' yo' husband you ain't gonna not fuck me too

				
				
					On 1:58 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Power Twitter


	
		
			
		
		
			EricStangel
		
		(Eric Stangel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Tim Tebow changed mechanics to impress pro scouts. Now he's taken another step. He's changing his name to Sam Bradford

				
				
					On 2:24 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			nerdist
		
		(Chris Hardwick)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Ugh. Just heard creepy dude telling cute, young, enthusiastic girl "she's perfect for extra work." should I hit him and tell her to run?

				
				
					On 2:33 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			elibraden
		
		(Eli Braden)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I'd never have spent the day waterlogging myself with two milks AND lemonade had I known that just around the corner fudge was being made.

				
				
					On 3:37 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			blacksteve27
		
		(Stephen Kearse)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Loud hipsters behind me. It's really just one hipster, but his ego is huge. If I told him I've seen his shirt before, I bet he'd cry. #fb

				
				
					On 3:40 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			erockappel
		
		(Eric Appel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Hi, I just met you and now we're Facebook friends and I can now look at EVERY PICTURE OF YOU EVER! AND I AM GOING TO!

				
				
					On 4:15 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			sarahcolonna
		
		(Sarah Colonna)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Not a fan of commercials that use the term "light bladder leakage."  No need to advertise, people that need them will go get them.

				
				
					On 5:08 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			willsasso
		
		(Will Sasso)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The cocks at airport security excitedly recognized me, then selected me for extra screening. My modest level of fame is a form of terrorism.

				
				
					On 5:20 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			jasoncollings
		
		(Jason Collings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Dudes who constantly say they love being single cry themselves to sleep every night.

				
				
					On 5:43 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					In the sauna at the gym today I recognized some guy's penis from chatroulette.

				
				
					On 7:18 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			The40YearOldBoy
		
		(Mike Schmidt)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Russian ice-dancing costumes ridiculous? No more ridiculous than the Elmo costumes they'll have to wear in next year's "Disney On Ice"...

				
				
					On 7:41 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Twitterrific


	
		
			
		
		
			joselynhughes
		
		(joselynhughes)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					How are there possibly enough Hoarders for both A&E and TLC to have series about them? I need to start demanding to see inside more homes.

				
				
					On 7:44 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			TheRealRyanHiga
		
		(Ryan Higa)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My dog keeps barking at nothing so I grabbed him and started shouting in his face... hes quiet now...

				
				
					On 8:24 AM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			TheOnion
		
		(The Onion)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Opinion: I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use It (by Tom Slaznik) http://onion.com/d2uUrD

				
				
					On 4:56 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from twitterfeed


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Anyone know what that movie "Hot Tub Time Machine" is about?

				
				
					On 5:03 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			jimmypistol
		
		(Jimmy Pistol)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Any violinists want to come over to my downtown LA loft and play violin as I live my life? (Willing to pay handsomely.)

				
				
					On 6:05 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			MattDThompson
		
		(Matt Thompson)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Is it tacky to wear a tie to play Volleyball... or is it just the greatest distraction technique of all time?

				
				
					On 6:14 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I was bout to go exercise but I changed my mind after I seen my body in the mirror

				
				
					On 6:42 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from MOTOBLUR


	
		
			
		
		
			robhuebel
		
		(Rob Huebel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Newsflash for all mannequins!  You aren't fooling anyone.  We don't think you're humans so quit trying to trick us!  Idiots.

				
				
					On 6:56 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			AndyMilonakis
		
		(Andy Milonakis)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Give a man a Phish CD and he'll listen to bad music for a day.

				
				
					On 6:59 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			marcmaron
		
		(marc maron)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					At LAX. Ran into Richard Lewis. He said hi. Hugged me. Did five minutes on New Jersey. Said he had to get back to reading his itinerary.

				
				
					On 7:24 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

				
				
					On 7:31 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			danecook
		
		(Dane Cook)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					How bad ass am I today?   
The gym just begged me to stop.
Lunch couldn't wait to get to me. 
I shit on a bird.

				
				
					On 8:26 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Having a stranger move your wet clothing from a public washing machine to the folding table is the mildest form of rape.

				
				
					On 8:31 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					if u wanna fuck me just reply back saying "lol" "lmao" or "boy u a mess"

				
				
					On 8:52 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			steveagee
		
		(steve agee)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					there are some CRAZY people at this pharmacy (I wrote while waiting to pick up my antidepressants).

				
				
					On 8:53 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			JennieBinSC
		
		(Jennie B Fiechtl)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Last night was the first time I've been asked "So hey, you wanna bump?" followed by a boy whipping out his iPhone. Damn you technology..

				
				
					On 9:26 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from HootSuite


	
		
			
		
		
			friedmanjon
		
		(Jon Friedman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					How "thoughts of suicide" became an acceptable drug side effect: "How do you feel?" "I kind of want to kill myself."  "Ok."

				
				
					On 10:15 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					http://twitpic.com/14z6oj - the world needs to know

				
				
					On 11:37 PM Feb 23rd 2010
					from TwitPic


	
		
			
		
		
			julialillis
		
		(julia lillis)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I need more lewd advances in my life.

				
				
					On 12:07 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jasoncollings
		
		(Jason Collings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I don't think people realize that when they say "hey can I store some stuff in your garage?" they're saying "let's stop being friends"

				
				
					On 1:46 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			tommabe
		
		(Tom Mabe)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I'm watching American  A W F U L . fix the sound FOX, these girls don't need any help sounding bad

				
				
					On 2:10 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					As he came out of anesthesia, doctors asked Cheney what year it was and who was President. He replied, "2001. Me."

				
				
					On 2:14 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			roywoodjr
		
		(Roy Wood, Jr.)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Check this video out -- Roy Wood Jr Video Blog:  Comics- 1  Rappers- 0   Monkey Stomping 101 http://youtu.be/vUxCR_a2HKg

				
				
					On 3:08 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I set up my phone so that a sad trombone plays anytime I get a text from my mother. "You married yet?" (trombone)

				
				
					On 3:27 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			funnyordie
		
		(Funny Or Die)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					She's Out of My League is good, but it could be great if they let the hot blonde w/ big boobs play every part. When will Hollywood learn?

				
				
					On 5:19 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			ChelseaVPeretti
		
		(Chelsea Peretti)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Its so fun to say "see you tomorrow" to people instead of goodbye when u don't have plans to. They're like - what? Gotcha

				
				
					On 5:43 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from UberTwitter


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If these walls could talk, I would freak the fuck out. I mean, c'mon. Talking walls??

				
				
					On 9:09 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			joerogandotnet
		
		(Joe Rogan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Dude loses it and empties a gun in traffic http://bit.ly/baSU93

				
				
					On 11:30 AM Feb 24th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			JoeMande
		
		(Joe Mande)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Forget stimulus money, that sounds like a plan to bone some prostitutes! RT @DavidVitter: Smoke Marijuana,Drink Liquor,Get Stimulus $$

				
				
					On 2:43 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			laurenleto
		
		(Lauren Leto)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Fraggle Rock probably had the best weed.

				
				
					On 2:59 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from HootSuite


	
		
			
		
		
			pmelt
		
		(Patrick Melton)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					The worst thing about Ohio is all the Ohio people here.

				
				
					On 3:49 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Only four more days until White History Year.

				
				
					On 4:08 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			bestgirlbetty
		
		(best girl betty)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Today's evidence that I'm the only one around here who knows how to have fun: my coworker eating her banana with a fork.

				
				
					On 4:32 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			mikecarano
		
		(Mike Carano)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Dear USA Today,
Enough with the "Makes History" tags on the Olympic stories.
Doesn't EVERYTHING make history?

				
				
					On 5:18 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			ScottAukerman
		
		(Scott Aukerman)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I hope the last line of Lost is "Hey - we all have baggage. Sometimes it arrives back home with you, but sometimes... it gets LOST."

				
				
					On 6:18 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			robdelaney
		
		(rob delaney)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					My wife took her bra off last night & FOUR pieces of popcorn fell out. Fell much deeper in love w/ her & "went for it."

				
				
					On 7:02 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from txt


	
		
			
		
		
			nickkroll
		
		(nick kroll)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Learning lines for an audition feels like buying/measuring/cutting a crap ton of wood for a house that will never be built.

				
				
					On 7:13 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from TweetDeck


	
		
			
		
		
			BorowitzReport
		
		(Andy Borowitz)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Yahoo-Twitter Partnership Announced; Will be Called YooTwat

				
				
					On 7:32 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			TheOnion
		
		(The Onion)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					NEWSWIRE: Love Made To Looping 'Arrested Development' DVD Menu

				
				
					On 8:24 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jackieclarke
		
		(Jackie Clarke)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I wish I was as happy as the retarded man on my corner who waves at every single car that drives by.

				
				
					On 9:48 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from TwitBird iPhone


	
		
			
		
		
			ConanOBrien
		
		(Conan O'Brien)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial.  Somebody help me.

				
				
					On 10:54 PM Feb 24th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			bobsaget
		
		(bob saget)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Ha! RT @danecook: Excited 2 watch ur new A&E show Bob Sagets Strange Days. When does it premiere & when is it scheduled 2 be cancelled?

				
				
					On 12:49 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from Echofon


	
		
			
		
		
			robdelaney
		
		(rob delaney)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Old ladies smell both good & bad at the same time. Like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

				
				
					On 12:57 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from txt


	
		
			
		
		
			lizzwinstead
		
		(Lizz Winstead)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I usually disagree with anyone pronouncing our political system "guvment"

				
				
					On 1:40 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from Seesmic


	
		
			
		
		
			lilduval
		
		(lil duval)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					L.a. got laziest bums in america. They don't even look at u when they ask 4 money

				
				
					On 1:41 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from MOTOBLUR


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Wow, I thought killer whales were all talk.

				
				
					On 2:05 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			jordanrubin
		
		(Jordan Rubin)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Too soon. #TooSoon

				
				
					On 2:09 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from Twittelator


	
		
			
		
		
			Justin_Stangel
		
		(Justin Stangel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Instead of saying a TV show "Jumped the Shark" people should say, "They Added Ellen as a Judge"

				
				
					On 2:18 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			robhuebel
		
		(Rob Huebel)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					It seems like women's bobsledding teams should invest some money in cameltoe prevention.

				
				
					On 3:13 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			b_donovan
		
		(brian donovan)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					News just showed shopper buying 5 cases of soda in preparation of big snow storm. No comment necessary.

				
				
					On 4:06 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from Tweetie


	
		
			
		
		
			Wildaboutmusic
		
		(David Wild)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Crazy thought: how about instead of watching false "Idols," we support our professional singers?

				
				
					On 6:26 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			AndyMilonakis
		
		(Andy Milonakis)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					If any psychiatrist stepped foot into my bedroom, they would probably have me committed. #honestytweets

				
				
					On 7:15 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			jaymohr37
		
		(Jay Mohr)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					Instead of "yesterday" my son just said, "The night that brought us today"
...isn't that an e.e. cummings book?

				
				
					On 7:42 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			SamGrittner
		
		(Sam Grittner)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					I have never opened a Can of Whupass. I have however enjoyed a fine bottle of '82 Fell Down the Stairs.

				
				
					On 8:28 AM Feb 25th 2010
					from web


	
		
			
		
		
			WhitneyCummings
		
		(Whitney Cummings)
		
	
	
		
			
				
					It's called a KILLER whale. I don't understand the confusion.

				
				
					On 3:06 PM Feb 25th 2010
					from UberTwitter

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The Best February Twitter Tweets said:

[...] ( Amy Schumer ). Can’t compete with Orange County woman. They have that, I was abused just enough to be fun in bed but not too needy after look. On 21-2-2010 09:28:13 from mobile web. WhitneyCummings. (Whitney Cummings) …Read More [...]

# 19 March 2010 at 10:06 am