Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Featured http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:04:07 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 BP Oil Spill Jokes From Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/may-bpoil-jokes/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/may-bpoil-jokes/#comments Tue, 01 Jun 2010 23:31:53 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=946 Warning: file_put_contents(/home/adamseo/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wp-quote-tweets/xmlcache/twitterTweet.14746782527</span></span></span><strong><span.xml) [function.file-put-contents]: failed to open stream: No such file or directory in /home/adamseo/public_html/wp-content/plugins/wp-quote-tweets/wp_quotetweets.php on line 418

We have compiled and re-organized our list of BP Jokes that just keeps expanding, check back each week for even more jokes.  

I'd like to thank BP for showing us how NOT to celebrate America.  They are, after all, British Petroleum.  Maybe this is England's "Pay Back Plan" as they are still upset over the Revolutionary War, The Boston Tea Party, The War of 1812 or the fact that we took and made Simon Cowell insanely famous #nottrue….

Twitter is buzzing with some Great Jokes about BP and this fiasco and yes I included the very funny BPGlobalPR

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**In Addition – 1/2 of all proceeds to Funny-Tweets.com will be donated to Stepehen Colbert's (South Carolina's favorite native son) "Gulf of America Fund" to help the cleanup efforts in The Gulf.

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Want to Be on the Next Funny-Tweets.com Post....Just Grab My Attention on with the @ or Follow. THANKS For Stopping By! #whodey

On 1-6-2010 16:26:04 from web

I love that there are ads before you can watch the oil spill live web stream.

#badoilspilljokes does this mean the Cubans who swim over to Miami will be mistaken for Hatians?

On 22-5-2010 17:48:46 from web

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You're welcome!

BP's mile-long pipe isn't sucking up as much as it once did. Which reminds me, I have to call my ex.

Please do NOT take or clean any oil you find on the beach. That is the property of British Petroleum and we WILL sue you.

What exactly is BP's expertise? destruction? The only think they have shown they know how to skim off the top is PROFITS

Bonfire/Boat Party tonight in the gulf. No fatties, BYOB. #bpcares

On 24-5-2010 22:50:47 from web

British Petroleum Jelly® Because we know how to fuck you the best!

IDEA: Why don't we try to plug the oil leak with BP executives?

On 25-5-2010 11:44:41 from web

Before my kids start a craft I tell them they'll need a clean up plan. What I'm trying to say here: I'm smarter than the US government.

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If Top Kill doesn't work, we're just gonna toss a giant "Get Well Soon" card into the gulf and hope for the best. #bpcares

On 26-5-2010 16:14:00 from web

Junk Shot & Top Kill... BP's attempts to stop an environmental disaster? Or 2 mediocre movies starring Mark Wahlberg & Justin Long?

Lots of people blaming this on Bush or Obama. Pph, we wish. The truth is Presidents don't have any control over what we do. #bpcares

On 26-5-2010 22:04:51 from web

This horrible spill wouldn't be happening in the gulf of AMERICA! Arizona knows what I'm talking 'bout!! #fistpound #bpcares

On 27-5-2010 21:21:39 from web

We plan on spending millions of dollars to fix this mess. We also plan on jacking gas prices so high that you'll wish you never complained.

On 27-5-2010 22:54:24 from web

Hey BP- Just an idea-Is there a way you can hook up a few gas pumps to that oil spill and let everyone fill up for free? You're welcome.

On 27-5-2010 23:27:59 from web

Dear BP… glad to see the mud is working better than the golf balls and old tires. While your last-ditching it, why not call McGyver?

Junk Shot, Top Kill. Why do all the oil containment techniques sound like hardcore bands? Next method: Corrosion of Conformity.

On 30-5-2010 04:19:45 from web

Love it or hate it. you gotta admit that oil spill is putting up a helluva fight. This should be on Pay-Per-View.

On 30-5-2010 12:39:12 from web

British Petroleum: Top killing 100,000 birds with one stone.

BP's latest strategy to stop leak, Operation Fingers Crossed, doesn't instill much confidence.

On 31-5-2010 13:27:04 from web

When is BP going to give up on all of these "experimental plans" and come up with an actual "plan?"

If we're being accused of being criminals, we want to be tried by a jury of our peers- wealthy execs who don't give a damn. #fairisfair

Just got 100k followers and our oil is headed to Florida. You know what this means... WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYWORLD! #bpcares

On 2-6-2010 01:58:10 from web


BP Proposes Diverting Oil into Guatemalan Sinkhole #clueless

On 2-6-2010 13:20:58 from web


I wish I could do as BP does and just stand around and watch my problems get worse. But no, I have to do and do.

On 2-6-2010 18:18:57 from web


Saw the most vivid rainbow today. Followed it all the way to the end, then got punched in the dick by BP.

On 4-6-2010 00:13:49 from web


Pretty much every update BP gives on what they're doing to stop the leak inspires a "that's what she said."

On 4-6-2010 00:59:07 from web


BREAKING: BP Tries Adding Balsamic Vinegar to Oil

On 5-6-2010 21:59:18 from web


BP?? Bitch, please!

Darn! I just spilled milk on the floor. Oh well, at least I didn't spill 100 million gallons of oil into the gulf of Mexico.

On 5-6-2010 23:28:23 from web


Just hired an oil whisperer to teach us how to be dominant over the oil. Tsssssssst! #bptames

BP Says It Has Successfully Contained Flow of Information About Spill

On 7-6-2010 21:24:16 from web



England vs. USA recap: "Football": England 1 - USA 1 : "Crapping in the other's Gulf": England 54 - USA 0 ^Tony

On 12-6-2010 20:38:51 from web


The England goalkeeper had BP oil on his hands.

On 12-6-2010 20:46:05 from web


We are not killing animals in the gulf, we are creating fossils in the gulf. Have a little perspective. #bpcares

Investing a lot of time & money into cleaning up our image, but the beaches are next on the to-do list for sure. #bpcares

On 14-6-2010 03:19:12 from web


"Would you like your fish premium or unleaded?" #ThanksBP

On 14-6-2010 18:28:32 from web

Getting to the point now where we should just try to get the water out of the oil.

Holy crap- have you seen how cool the oil leak looks on a Panasonic 3D TV?

On 16-6-2010 23:57:30 from web


Projectile vomitted at the gym yesterday as a result of the sun being pissed off... Thanks a lot BP

I used to have to kick a sandcastle to ruin a child’s day. Now I just throw a match at it. That's progress. ^Tony

On 17-6-2010 04:14:15 from web


How dare I criticize BP when I just took my chewing gum out of my mouth and tossed it into a bush? #cantwalkthewalk

BP has placed an ad on Craigslist, looking for "someone who knows shit about oil leaks."

The Starbucks in Sarasota can't make coffee due to a tainted water line. I blame BP for the taint.

So which side of the oil spill issue are you on? I can't say I support it, but I think we should hear what it has to say.

Wish that fucking Twitter whale died in the #oilspill

Sitting on beach. Spilled tanning oil all over the place. Had no idea how to clean it up. Left it for someone else to fix.

On 20-6-2010 20:10:29 from web


No idea why carne asada is trending on Twitter in LA, but if BP fucked up carne asada some how, I'm gonna be fucking PISSED.

On 21-6-2010 03:04:44 from web


Ever spill something that just keeps on spilling and won't stop? If so, is that really a spill? #questionsthatkeepmeupatnight

On 21-6-2010 11:12:06 from web


I started playing the new Facebook game, Oilville, but now I can't make it stop.

On 21-6-2010 12:12:15 from web


Day 63 and Al Sharpton still hasn't figured out a way to inject himself into the Gulf spill crisis.

On 21-6-2010 15:00:54 from web


Tony Hayward yachting in the very water he spilled oil in? Definition of too soon. That's like if Elin catches Tiger Woods jerking off.

On 21-6-2010 15:35:40 from web


"Putting more birds in oil than KFC" #NewBPSlogan

On 21-6-2010 17:14:23 from web


We have begun the process of collecting our crude oil in biodegradable spill-proof containers: pelicans. #bpcares

On 21-6-2010 19:29:48 from web


Headline: "The Devil says BP execs not welcome in Hell. Looking forward to meeting Joran van der Sloot."

On 21-6-2010 19:57:31 from web


Rick Ross look like the BP Oil Spill got up and started rapping.

Oil well, that ends well

why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in oil and deep-fried make me hungry?

Don't believe the media. I've seen many animals that couldn't be happier covered in oil.

 

I predicted the Gulf Oil Spill. Know how? I'm an 'environ mentalist'. I can look into the future and see Mother Nature is fucked.

On 4-7-2010 05:09:42 from web

Oil Spill has such a negative connotation. I prefer to call it 'Sunscreen Infused Ocean Water'

On 4-7-2010 21:46:20 from web

I'm headed down to the Gulf Shore and get my oil changed. Thanks BP!
The news gets worse: BP says the oil in the Gulf will need to be changed every six months.
The BP spill is now the second-worst leak in US history, after Michael Steele's mouth.
MEL GIBSON & BP should send gift baskets to LEBRON JAMES for temporarily distracting us from how gross they both are.

On 9-7-2010 22:16:34 from web

BP is optimistic that latest attempt to cap oil well could officially be deemed a failure by as early as next Wednesday

On 11-7-2010 22:12:53 from web

Hearing BP say it's close to containing the leak sounds suspiciously like "just the tip" to me.

On 12-7-2010 02:32:04 from web

Just heard all the oysters in the Gulf are dead... Whatever, can you believe Lyndsey Lohan's in jail?!!!!!!!!!!!!

On 12-7-2010 02:56:22 from web

BP should change its name to DP because America is getting fucked in both ends.

On 12-7-2010 17:05:14 from web

BP trying a tighter cap on the well. I can hear my Dad. "It's like I told you kids with the toothpaste, you gotta screw it on all the way."

On 12-7-2010 22:37:57 from web

So we can get the new iPhone to work, but we can't fix an oil leak? Oh, wait, we can't do either.
The only way this gets funnier is if we find out that Mel Gibson is working for BP or dating Lindsay Lohan. Both of which seem possible now.
Now that the oil spill has stopped what's the odds on a giant mutated sea beast attacking the gulf coast godzilla style.
BREAKING NEWS: BP stopped the flow of water into the Oil of Mexico.

On 15-7-2010 21:32:53 from web

Who would have thought a heavy cap could stop a leak? Shows what I know. I still liked the golf ball idea.

On 15-7-2010 21:49:37 from web

BP basically took a 3 month long shit and finally wiped their ass today, but they still have yet to flush the toilet.

On 15-7-2010 23:43:40 from web

BREAKING NEWS BP USES BITCH ASS NIGGAZ TO CLOG OIL LEAK!!

On 13-7-2010 03:02:00 from web

The Gulf of Mexico needs an oil change.

On 13-7-2010 05:32:47 from web

BP just hired a new CEO... Mel Gibson. They're hoping to clean up both their images using "so bad it's good" philosophy.
#GodIfYouHaveTime can you prepare us for the gas prices that are about to go up? The leak is sealed but I'm waiting on the bill.
Obama's Fifth Gulf Coast Visit Really Helps A Lot http://onion.com/cN89Zd
EXCLUSIVE ANNOUNCEMENT: Am I going to retire? Why would I? I get paid to act like an asshole!

On 21-7-2010 17:10:53 from web

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/may-bpoil-jokes/feed/ 4 Funny People To Follow on Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-people-to-follow-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-people-to-follow-twitter/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:55:19 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=360

 

Funny People To Follow On Twitter

 

Funny People to Follow On Twitter

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Here is a list of the Funny Comedians, Actors, Sports Athletes & Overall Funny Tweeters that we currently follow.  If you are new to Twitter or have become frustrated with it then we recommend you Unfollow all the lame people you currently follow and start following these people who have proven that not ALL of their Tweets are boring!

 Below, you can view each person's latest Tweet (Powered by TwitSig.com).

 

Don't forget to Follow Us As We Just Tend To Re-Tweet Funny Stuff .

 

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I have nothing original, I just Retweet

On 23-11-2009 13:12:28 from web

 

Our List of Funny People (In No  Particular Order)

 

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Whitney's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Chris D'Elia Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for The Onion News Video & A Collection of The Onion's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Rob Huebel's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Josh Sneed's Funny Tweets

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