Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets of July http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 July Wrap Up http://www.funny-tweets.com/july2010-roundup/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/july2010-roundup/#comments Tue, 03 Aug 2010 13:10:46 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1223

Funny Twitter Picture

Let's go back in time to July of 2010 for a funny review of what happened.  These funny tweets cover the 2nd half of July and run in chronological order.  There are plenty of funny tweets down below…thank you for stopping by and enjoy!

I am still donating 1/2 proceeds of t-shirt sales from DonkeyTs.com to charity (Use Promo Code "Tweet" for 15% off All T-shirt Orders) 

You can follow me or grab my attention on Twitter -> YourFunnyTweets

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

At Deja Vu with @ryandalton in Columbia, Mo, watching drunk 19 yr olds grind. Feel like a zoologist studying a new species mating habits.
Most days I feel like a drink umbrella, kinda cute but completely unneccesary.
Was Justin Bieber the bait girl on "To catch a Predator?"

On 16-7-2010 12:48:22 from web

Struggling High School Cuts Football—Nah, Just Kidding, Art It Is http://onion.com/bJup3j
Note to self: Never dare a white person to do something.....becuz they will
NAACP calls Tea Party racist. Given what the CP stands for, it's a case of the pot calling the kettle African American.
i'm a pro at crastinating.

On 16-7-2010 17:22:49 from web

Doctor said I need to lower my body fat and get more sunlight. Diagnosis: British.

On 16-7-2010 19:49:04 from web

How come Mel Gibson didn't have any Australian accent in that tirade of a phone call? Because that's some AMERICAN SHIT. :(

On 16-7-2010 21:48:40 from web

"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
I have a Disney hangover… my wallet's empty, my sunburned head is killing me and I don't remember if I had fun or not.
I should get a star on the Walk of Shame.
I like my women like i like my hangover, gone by the time i get out of bed.
New sex move! "The Friendly Sanchez"- You're bangin a chick & right when you're about to come, lean in & whisper "I love you"

On 17-7-2010 19:48:04 from web

The "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign should say "Don't be an asshole" underneath it.
I am black tonight. So naturally, I am Denzel Washington.
Shout out 2 the dude who made me feel pretty on 2nd ave. U aced the polite cat call. See, boys, there's a way 2 do it. Step 1: be white.
Even when it comes to letters, deaf people have to sign their names.

On 18-7-2010 08:05:29 from web

‎​Quote: "A succesful man makes more money than his woman can spend. A succesful woman is 1 who can find such a man." ;) via @mrplay
An ability to lose gracefully only proves you've had lots of practice.

On 18-7-2010 18:48:58 from web

Wait just now on Peters (Family Guy) list of celebrities he don't like was "every rapper." Hilarious.
Justin Timberlake is in that new Facebook movie. Also I heard next year they're making a Myspace movie with Ricky Martin.

On 19-7-2010 11:16:45 from web

I only seem like a smartass because I'm surrounded by dumbasses
#MorningConfessions My penis is up before me. Everyday.

On 19-7-2010 15:17:54 from web

Morning radio played Alien Ant Farm and 311 today... Apparently on my way in to High School.
I refuse to take a magazine subscription offer seriously until the sixth card falls into my lap.

On 19-7-2010 20:57:12 from web

Home sick with the flu. Taking my temperature in the butt every 5 mins just to be safe.

On 19-7-2010 21:01:23 from web

My parents visited Sunday. My ass will be thanking me for weeks. (Explanation: they buy me nicer toilet paper than I'd ever get for myself.)
Sometimes, I feel like the lone french fry in a box of onion rings.

On 19-7-2010 21:40:42 from web

Here's irony - Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. Roman Polanski is not.

On 20-7-2010 00:59:56 from web

Obama's Fifth Gulf Coast Visit Really Helps A Lot http://onion.com/cN89Zd
And why does everyone watch porn now? What happened to porno? Where did the 'oh' go?
I once made out with my cousin. At first he said no, but I incested.
I don't see why this is a big deal. Lindsay Lohan's spray tan was already "Inmate Orange."

On 20-7-2010 21:53:25 from web

Spanish speaking men need to realize that a lot more white women these days understand what they're saying.

On 20-7-2010 22:12:49 from web

For a piece of male, you need a tramp stamp.
#Food4Thought Women wear fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs & padded bras but want a dude to keep it 100% Real RT @MARLONLWAYANS
@MARLONLWAYANS If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
For @glennbeck, easy cure for blindess: stop masturbating to the sound of your own bullshit. Good luck.

On 21-7-2010 05:01:49 from web

Drug addict is the most convincing role Lindsay Lohan has ever played.

On 21-7-2010 06:15:15 from web

When the Incredible Hulk gets even angrier, he turns into Mel Gibson.

On 21-7-2010 12:24:20 from web

Look....I'm just trying to help....DO NOT google Bridget the midget....you will regret it

On 21-7-2010 12:40:57 from web

Nothin funnier than a nigga being caught on cheaters and not giving a fuck. "Its over, and now you homeless bitch" lmao
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

On 21-7-2010 13:48:36 from web

#failedcomeonline get in the trunk.

On 21-7-2010 14:24:50 from web

Heisman committee is debating on taking Reggie Bush's trophy. Man...even OJ got to keep his.

On 21-7-2010 15:30:04 from web

Ugly people should be required 2 have the "Fail Whale" as their profile pic
The Statue of Liberty was evacuated today due to smoke around the elevators. Smoke? Well, it was a gift from the French.

On 21-7-2010 18:16:40 from web

I can't curse but rihanna can sing "rude boy can u get it up" at the teen choice awards. Smh
I know tons of malfunctioning alcoholics.

On 21-7-2010 19:05:27 from web

Asked Mark Ingram if he'd sell Reggie Bush his Heisman
Iowa man who just wanted a hug lands in jail... Let's be honest, we've all been one hug away from a little jail time.
Just saw a chick with a nice Louie bag and a McDonalds uniform on. #prioritize
They say the new airport body scanners don't show your whole deal, but I make sure to chub up my dong a bit just in case.

On 21-7-2010 21:20:56 from web

Slackne (n.) - Acne that's 100% preventable if you'd just stop passing out on the couch w/ all ur make-up on night after night, Kim. Christ.

On 21-7-2010 21:26:44 from web

From now on when a girl gets done telling a story she has to say "That's the end of my story" so guys know when it's supposed to be over.
If you look yourself up on the internet, is it called "google-bating" or "master-googling"? (or narciswebism?)

On 22-7-2010 08:33:49 from web

Dear California: I'm developing diabetes from all your eye candy.

On 22-7-2010 16:33:53 from web

Chris Isaak may replace Simon on Idol. My vote is for Mel Gibson. How great will it be to hear him call a contestant a “c*nt, bitch, whore?”

On 22-7-2010 16:50:19 from web

I always get Iowa and Idaho confused, but here's a little trick to help you remember: they're both super insignificant.
I try not to stereotype while driving but a lot of those guys really Asian-it-up out there.

On 22-7-2010 17:45:39 from web

On the way to the boat, younger son asks if he was an "accident". Laughed, said no. Praying older son does not ask.
Whenever black comics imitate white people in their acts they sound mostly like Tony Gwynn...

On 22-7-2010 19:01:12 from web

if you haven't yet lost faith in humanity, but you still want to, read the comments below the articles on Yahoo! News.

On 22-7-2010 22:40:51 from web

Just met a Mexican dude named Ignacio aka 'Nacho'. Is that normal? That'd be like a blk dude nicknamed 'Ribs' right? #confused

On 23-7-2010 06:08:46 from web

So BUMMED I'm not at Comic Con. I need more grown men dressed as cartoon characters in my life.

On 23-7-2010 06:15:09 from web

Snsteve Jobs is the CEO of Snapple.
When Vanna White got married, she and her husband exchanged vowels.
RT @conanobrienswyf Can't we just start calling DJs "laptop users"?
#CNN gave me an idea.The next time my wife sees that I have left the place a mess, I will say, "It's a cleanup effort."

On 23-7-2010 15:52:01 from web

Fox News is where information goes to get a sex change.

On 23-7-2010 16:18:14 from web

I find the sound of faraway sirens comforting because I know it's a 'somebody else' problem.

On 23-7-2010 17:09:32 from web

Not totally bummed out. It's more of a tropical depression...

On 24-7-2010 06:06:33 from web

I wanna be a billionaire so I can buy the rights to that song and make sure it never plays on the radio again
Yard Sales! I love watching people put a price on their memories then telling them that price is too expensive.
Do erections count as personal growth?
The Four Square app is great because it let's me know the location of people I would never have asked or cared about their whereabouts.
Man I was watching @OGOchoCinco show and I said "when did. Flavor flav cut his hair and put on a good suit. And shit big rick loss weight"
Overheard at Comic Con--"dude you could almost see the side part of her boob!!!"

On 24-7-2010 19:46:09 from web

Football season has officially began when @OGOchoCinco starts talking lol you gotta love it
Ha, my recently devirginized friend is having a pregnancy scare-its like watching someone pay their taxes for the first time.
Guess what movie me and my wife are going to see tonight? If you guessed nothing I want to see, you're right.

On 24-7-2010 21:48:27 from web

Only white people get drunk and eat spiders on a dare.
What's more insulting, calling this guy "boss" or "chief." I want to make sure I piss him off as much as possible.

On 25-7-2010 09:13:05 from web

RT @mshowalter: "in line at Starbucks behind THE Steven Speilberg" wow! i didn't even know he drank coffee. i thought he drank magic.
The woman next to me seems to have forgotten what personal space is - my elbow has graciously volunteered to remind her
Looking forward to watching Mad Men tonight. Christina Hendricks is the second sexiest redhead in Hollywood. Congrats, Ron Howard!

On 25-7-2010 17:13:15 from web

LA & NYC, where beautiful people move to become average.

On 25-7-2010 18:14:42 from web

If u wanna piss yo girl off while yall arguing jus cut her off and say "teach me how to dougie"
Heading back to NC. Supposed to be 101 degrees. That's the temperature at which fog turns to fire.
Sometime U Gotta Read The Fine Print When Going To A Certain Church!! WhereTheyDoThisAt? WTF!!!!? http://tweetphoto.com/34912808
The Raiders beat themselves every season by suiting up. #FACT
Just found out Chuck Norris's real name is Carlos! Unacceptable! What next? Nicholas Cage using a fake name! Vin Diesel!
I just saw a man who's sneakers turn into roller skates. The prob with that's statement is the word MAN. The correct word should be toddler.
1 thing Chuck Norris can't do is out smoke Snoopdogg. U HEAR ME!!

On 28-7-2010 08:27:26 from web

FYI: it is illegal in 36 states to have a pic up of u from 20 pounds ago

On 27-7-2010 17:10:46 from web

Angelina Jolie is joining Twitter. If she thinks she can lure away my core audience of young male teens she.....I'm screwed.

On 27-7-2010 17:46:54 from web

Chatroulette wants to eliminate nudity. The two remaining users will have a great conversation.
My favorite types of pot in order: 1) Free 2) Pete's OG Kush 3) Runoff combo from multiple grindings.
Fine China breaks easily, because it was Made in China.

On 27-7-2010 18:17:56 from web

All the unemployed tweeters are going to get the jobs of the employed tweeters who lose thier jobs because they're tweeting too much.

On 27-7-2010 19:26:35 from web

There should be an iPhone app that translates Fox News into news.

 

RT @chez_whitey #IfBETbought CBS, we'd be watching "Big Brotha" <-- LOL! Perfect Timing. here we go.

On 28-7-2010 04:20:06 from web

#IfBETbought TLC We'd be watch 'Jon & Kate Plus 8, plus the 2 he got in ATL Plus the 3 he got in Daytona' #shawnkemptweet

On 28-7-2010 05:12:43 from web

#IfBETbought NBC... Deal or No Deal would be called, "Open the Case, Bitch"
You know what keeps me up at night? Pauly Shore has turned down more hot women than I will ever, ever meet. Pauly. Shore.

On 28-7-2010 07:11:38 from web

TO joins Ocho Cinco at Cincinnati, SOAPnet and Comedy Central continue to bid against each other for #Bengals gm. broadcast rights. #NFL

On 27-7-2010 22:47:59 from web

Yeah it's on now http://twitpic.com/29amq4
@OGOchoCinco, MUCHO TO-CHO!

On 28-7-2010 00:53:37 from mobile web in reply to Chad Ochocinco

Bengals games r gonna be like Essence Music Festival minus the black girls.

On 27-7-2010 22:34:34 from web

I liked Toy Story 3 so much I got a Woody.

On 28-7-2010 23:12:44 from web

NFL BREAKING: Al Davis just made an offer to buy the Cincinnati Bengals...

On 27-7-2010 23:05:26 from web

RT @TONYROCK: T.O and Ochocinco should combine they're dating shows and call it 'The Blackchelors' lol!

Calrson Palmer is gonna get his own reality show called "Me and My N****ers"
The words "Illegal" and "Sexual" very much change the meaning of Alien Versus Predator.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Promotional Link – Getting Married in Charleston, SC? Rick Dean Wedding Photography – Top Wedding Photographer of Charleston

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/july2010-roundup/feed/ 2 Mel & Lebron + 1st Half of July http://www.funny-tweets.com/mel-lebron-july/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/mel-lebron-july/#comments Tue, 20 Jul 2010 01:31:01 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1162

As much as I tried to avoid Mel Gibson and Lebron James I simply couldn't as everyone's Twitter Timelines were engulfed with jokes about the 2 stars.  

This Funny-Tweet post covers the first part of July from the 1st to the15th and is full of All sorts of humor and jokes….NOT JUST Mel & Lebron Jokes.  

*The 4th of July isn't included in this post as I created a special 4th of July Twitter Tweet Post Here

*The VERY Popular BP Oil Spill Jokes Post will be updated later this week with even more BP Jokes to add.

*Even though the Oil Well in the Gulf is capped there is plenty of work ahead for cleanup. Until further notice 1/2 of all proceeds to Funny-Tweets.com will be donated to Stepehen Colbert's (South Carolina's favorite native son) "Gulf  of America Fund" to help the cleanup efforts in The Gulf.

Funny-Tweets.com is happy to have teamed up with DonkeyTs.com  

Use the PROMO CODE : TWEET to receive 15% off ALL orders.

 


*Follow YourFunnyTweets on Twitter

Grab my Attention & Be Featured in the Next Funny-Tweet post!  

Simply send us a mention/heads up that a Funny Tweet is on the way with "Funny Tweet @YourFunnyTweets".

This lets me know you plan to say something funny (or so you think) on your next tweet to everyone.  

After You have sent us a mention go ahead and post your Funny Tweet in Your Timeline without the @mention

Someone will come through and check out the Funny tweet and possibly include it in the next Round-up

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Driver taking me from airport to hotel: "you in any movies?" me: "no". Rest of ride= silence

Mira, I'm yust glad Mel Gibson doesn't hate Mexicans......yet.

On 1-7-2010 20:30:27 from web

You look like a pig in heat and if you get raped by a bunch of n*ggers it will be your fault. (Mel Gibson. Lemme guess, blame it on the)

On 1-7-2010 21:17:41 from web

Is it Canada Day or Canada D'eh?

On 1-7-2010 20:57:05 from web

WILL'S MAN TIP 34. No more middle finger while driving away and much more middle finger while walking towards.

On 1-7-2010 21:12:11 from web

I saw this coming. Mel Gibson once refused to pet my chihuahua simply because he caught us stealing his piano. Racist.

Damn any celebs trying to get in trouble for saying racist stuff, step your game up. MEL GIBSON IS KILLING IT RIGHT NOW!

On 1-7-2010 21:33:36 from web

Nothing motivates quite like spite.

to be fair, some of Mel Gibson's best friends are packs of raping niggers.

I'm currently on a flight to LA. Flight Attendant: "Headed home?" Me: "Yeah. " Her: "Knew it. You seem very LA." Puke.

On 1-7-2010 22:10:47 from web

I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

Calm down you guys, I'm not being a racist. Like I said, racism is a hate crime, and only Black people commit crimes.

On 1-7-2010 23:08:05 from web

it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there i say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

I want to have sex with a girl and when she cums, she makes the same noise Serena Williams makes when she serves

Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules http://onion.com/aQLjSt

Farts are a turd's battle cry.

Today's least favorite waves: Heat, rogue, Google.

On 5-7-2010 16:33:39 from web

Sometimes I wish that toilet paper was 64 ply

On 5-7-2010 17:09:52 from web

The only two places you'll ever hear "would u like whipped cream on that?": a whore house and Starbucks.

my sunburn makes me look drunk. also i'm drunk.

if you use the word "diva" around me, know that i will pull a knife on you.

On 6-7-2010 01:38:08 from web

"We can't do shit about forest fires. But if people truly knew how fucked we are they'd lose their minds." (Smokey the Bear after 2 drinks)

On 6-7-2010 01:40:33 from web

Lets face it Apples like your hot ex. They cheat, lie, manipulate & only care about u when they need support. Yet, the sex is amazing.

On 6-7-2010 02:44:32 from web

It feels wrong to wash down a birth control pill with a mouthful of box wine. But I still do it.

On 6-7-2010 04:08:17 from web

JaMarcus Russell was arrested for possession of codeine syrup. It's the 1st time he's kept anything in his possession for more then 3 downs

On 6-7-2010 05:12:20 from web

if everybody got some head and hit a blunt everyday i swear there would be world peace

On 6-7-2010 05:14:03 from web

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

On 6-7-2010 05:51:34 from web

MySpace has become the Detroit of social networking sites.

On 6-7-2010 05:54:56 from web

In line for Holocaust Museum in DC. German guy ahead of me states "In Germany, would be more efficient." I. AM. NOT. KIDDING. #savageirony

"I own a few payday loans businesses." Translation: I lubricate Hell's gears with the blood of poor people

Dudes with long fingernails should automatically qualify as active members on the sex offenders list.

On 6-7-2010 16:14:18 from web

I refuse to be a victim of PMS.

Riverboat Demolition Derby. I can't be the first to suggest that.

On 6-7-2010 20:28:46 from web

"I had the craziest day today." -every housewife who barely did shit today.

Next time your kids ask you for money, tell them you're trying to stay under the salary cap.

Know anyone that can install a gun rack in my Prius?

On 6-7-2010 21:47:54 from web

My biggest fear is that Li'l Wayne will get wet and multiply.

On 6-7-2010 21:52:14 from web

My body is getting bigger or my Dick is getting smaller. Either way, it's not good.

On 7-7-2010 00:49:07 from web

Sometimes I'm condescending. Nevermind. You wouldn't understand what that really means.

RT @suss2hyphens: A whole show dedicated to LeBron will air on ESPN Thursday. Tentative title of show: "SportsCenter."

I only watch Hell's Kitchen because sometimes, I miss being married.

Was just asked (verbatim) at Brooklyn Wendy's: "What the fuck you be wanting?" #ilovenyc

Porridge is just shitty oatmeal.

On 7-7-2010 04:51:08 from web

I may have perfected a maneuver to get into bed without the monster grabbing my feet. If I don't tweet tomorrow, you'll know I failed.

On 7-7-2010 06:47:38 from web

#TheresAlwaysThat1 girl who gets mad at you for looking at her chest full of glitter

On 7-7-2010 07:52:45 from web

#ChuckNorriz can eat just one Lays potato chip.

New term that you can feel free to use: "Orifice Hat Trick"

Breaking News: ESPN reports...Lebron James farted...and it smelled like cabbage with a hint of superiority.

Regrets? I've got a few. But please, don't bother me while I'm drawing this cartoon of Mohammed with a mullet.

I wish this line was emo, but it isn't going to cut itself.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

On 7-7-2010 16:02:44 from web

COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT TO EAT SO I JUST HAD 17 DELIVERY GUYS COME TO MY CRIB. I CHOSE THAI BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS THE BEST AT CHOOSING LUNCHES.

On 7-7-2010 16:52:19 from web

How awesome would it be if Lebron announced he was going to play for the Washington Generals?

On 7-7-2010 21:01:34 from web

Today in 1928, sliced bread is sold for the first time. It is the greatest thing since itself.

@5tevenw Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.

On 7-7-2010 22:15:53 from web in reply to Steven Winterburn

I would happily initiate a state-wide civil war if the net gain was that Katy Perry's version of California seceded from mine.

"California Gurls" is the sound of Forever 21.

Dogs! You feel like fuckin other dogs? Head on over to the Silverlake dog park. Just drove by, its poppin' #la

It took 28 years but I finally got a haircut that I like! That I'll hate tomorrow! That no one will notice!

On 8-7-2010 02:29:47 from web

I downloaded the Friday The 13th ch ch ch ah ah ah to my iPod to listen to while I did my trail run tonight. I beat my best time. By a lot.

On 8-7-2010 03:49:42 from web

This lady in Wal-Mart is either stealing a cucumber or she's got an erection

In my next life I'm coming back as a vuvuzela so I can be really annoying and still get blown constantly. (via @nickkroll)

On 8-7-2010 04:04:29 from web

LeBron James is under pressure? Maybe he'd like to become a shrimp farmer in the Gulf?

HA! RT @EricStangel I'm keeping my 2 yr old up to watch LeBron James Special. I want her to see the exact moment our society hit rock bottom

On 9-7-2010 01:13:12 from web

Finding it hard to make fun of LeBron's broadcast in a space designed to broadcast things about yourself that have no need to be broadcast.

On 8-7-2010 09:59:17 from web

Kobe should have a commercial run during the press conference that says "You know I have five rings don't you."

How is getting courted by six NBA teams and a primetime special announcing your decision a "humbling experience?"

Delonte West going to lose Lebron's mom. That's the real story here.

Gee, another Ohioan that leaves the state for warmer weather. That's truly shocking.

On 9-7-2010 01:37:54 from web

When the going gets tough the tough catch their moms fucking a team mate and get going

I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

LeBron really puts the leave in Cleaveland. #hackytwitterjokes

Just what Miami needs. Another immigrant.

Okay, Jif commercial. Mom MAILS her kid some PEANUT BUTTER? To college? She's an ADULT now! She can go to the damn store! Just send money!

On 9-7-2010 01:47:13 from web

The whole city of Cleveland is under suicide watch until further notice.

This LeBron James special sucks. 50 minutes in and still no dancing.

I generally figure it all out on the plane and forget it all by baggage claim.

BREAKING: Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job

On 9-7-2010 02:04:27 from web

I JUST BOUGHT OHIO OFF EBAY! It only cost me 17.02, a coupon to SONIC, Bone Thug first album and some of my time. I still lose though.

If you get one of LeBron James's scholarships you have to change schools before you accomplish anything.

On 9-7-2010 02:06:45 from web

all I want to know is, how does this affect Khloe & Kourtney Take Miami?

On 9-7-2010 02:08:52 from web

Just replaced a flat tire on my car with help from nobody. Heading home now to have a big glass of High Noon Whiskey. (I'm a stud.)

Call me when everyone stops tweeting about Lebron. Thanks.

Hopping in shower now to get car grease off of hands and body. Drinking whiskey while doing it. (Stud shit.)

#perfectworld Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, id average 15 pts

Welcome to the revised South Florida "WADE COUNTY"..."LeBROWARD COUNTY"....AND "WEST PALM BOSH"...@benjibrown1

Alot of your mother fuckers need to get off lebron dick @benjibrown1. You would think he paying yo bills.

UTI.edu is a bad name for a technical college. #OrAnyCollegeReally #ActuallyUTIAnythingIsABadName

I am SO angry the professional decision the talented millionaire made regarding his affairs was different than the one I might have made!

Rioting in Cleveland right now. I hope they set the river on fire again.

On 9-7-2010 05:45:17 from web

Arizona's immigration law might b racist, but illegal immigrants are LITERALLY un-American

My action-hero catch phrase: "Reading is for stupids."

Cavaliers Owner Vows to Clone New Lebron from DNA Left in Locker Room

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village http://onion.com/a6AWkn

I like my coffee like I like my women. I like black women.

On 9-7-2010 14:42:11 from web

The worst part of a groin injury is hearing everyone tell you the same joke when you say you have a groin injury.

I'm at The Parks Mall in Arlington Tx this mall looks like it was the shit in 1985

Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

On 10-7-2010 22:56:01 from web

Who da fuck u think u fuckin wit I don't pay high ass cost/$7.45 for Kenneth Cole got this at Ross #HustlinRemix

How to trick people into thinking you're good looking. Hilarious!! http://youtu.be/OYpwAtnywTk

This is an A/B conversation, so don't be a C-word. D-bag.

Nipples are the boobs' "Like" buttons.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Filipino dudes are so good at being feminine but not gay.

Paris was incredible. Any culture that drinks 2 bottles of wine & then espresso at 1:30am on a work night=not pussies.

On 11-7-2010 21:53:19 from web

It's never a good sign when you put your penis in a girl and she stamps your hand.

don't worry my children, I was thinking about leaving for Miami also

My spirit animal just took a shit in the back of my karma.

i have a list of things I will never do. I call it my F*ck It List.

It's time we update the phrase "best thing since sliced bread." I can think of a lot of better things invented since then. Like, Nintendo.

On 12-7-2010 01:31:14 from web

I wish Robert would go Downey on my Jr.

Hey Amish people, what does looking ridiculous have to do with your beliefs? And why are you on a computer reading this?

On 12-7-2010 04:56:19 from web

If a king runs a kingdom and a emperor runs an empire, who runs a country?

On 12-7-2010 06:13:03 from web

A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

On 12-7-2010 06:26:15 from web

I can't believe gaming units don't have holes that men can fuck yet.

I'm starting a bucket list for my vagina

On 12-7-2010 13:30:46 from web

changing his game already to fit in miami: espn has learned the chalk thing LeBron does before games will now be done with actual cocaine

On 12-7-2010 15:00:53 from web

A stripper dressed like a nun is a blessing in disguise.

On 12-7-2010 15:25:41 from web

@5tevenw Strippers pay Chuck Norris for a lap dance

The thing that hippies in the sixties and hippies of today have in common is that they were not cool at all during either time period.

Fidel Castro is wearing a plaid shirt & a track suit. Give that man a PBR & a Coachella wristband and he's the world's oldest hipster.

On 13-7-2010 00:30:50 from web

if it weren't for women, i would be so out of here.

On 12-7-2010 17:08:15 from web

Am I the only person who can't tell the difference between E! And CNN?

If you were wondering whether there was a website about mimes called "Mime the Gap" stop wondering.

"The camera adds ten pounds and ten thousand dollars." - Rainn Wilson

On 12-7-2010 19:17:38 from web

I could use a wet nap. And I'm not talking about the wipe.

On 12-7-2010 19:57:34 from web

No matter how long I live, I will never stop believing that THIS TIME is the time I rubbed my eyes too hard to ever fully regain sight.

On 12-7-2010 20:37:14 from web

WILL'S MAN TIP 40. Always open the door for a woman. And if she doesn't thank you, calmly say, "Nobody loves you and you will die alone."

Brag brag brag brag brag brag am I tweeting the right way? Brag brag brag......

Big Ben has them trapped in a bathroom. RT @jaymohr37: Pittsburgh has been Twitter wasteland. Where are all the Tweeps from the Steel City?

Mel Gibson threatened to bury his ex girlfriend in his rose garden, which shows he is still a romantic at heart.

On 13-7-2010 00:07:07 from web

I'd like to know what cell service Mel Gibson has because with ATT I couldn't get thru a rant that long without at least 3 call fails

On 13-7-2010 00:58:07 from web

AND YOU PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HATE TWILIGHT. http://twitpic.com/24t8h6

"We need failures in America. They provide Chicken Nuggets & Lapdances." Roy Wood, Jr., Last Comic Standing.

On 13-7-2010 02:07:40 from web

I just ran out and bought Mel Gibson's new book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are Cunts.

You don't need a vaginal deodorant you need a doctor.

It just occured to me that when Mel Gibson called that female cop "Sugar Tits" it may be the nicest thing he has ever said to anyone.

On 13-7-2010 12:33:21 from web

Dan Gilbert the owner of the Cavs wants to hire Mel Gibson to be head public relations.

On 13-7-2010 11:50:43 from web

Now that George Steinbrenner has died and gone to Heaven, he's going to make Jesus cut his hair.

On 13-7-2010 14:34:55 from web

Steinbrenner just offered Babe Ruth a $140 million dollar contract, I keep telling him US dollars don't work up here

The only thing that feels better than buying someone the perfect gift is showing them your wiener.

On 13-7-2010 15:18:20 from web

At first sight of a semi flaccid penis I always think, "Jew nose."

Hottest line on wax of 2010: "I'm going to come over there & burn ur house down....but u will blow me 1st"-Mel Gibson

Massaging my back is like groping warm pizza dough, and I'm just as white.

On 14-7-2010 03:59:52 from web

The worst job has to be Bathroom attendant at strip club. My dollar can either go in your bucket or in Peaches? Hmmmm..

I love mel gibson. I love anyone who hits a woman in the teeth, and then thinks, "I should probably have another drink."

A good woman never eats watermelon because she can't bear to spit out seed.

On 14-7-2010 23:01:41 from web

They call it Mad Dog 20/20 because, after 4 of them, every women is a "perfect vision".

On 14-7-2010 23:57:50 from web

IF KRISTEN STEWART LOOKED ANY MORE MISERABLE, PEOPLE WOULD THINK SHE'S DATING MEL GIBSON.

On 15-7-2010 01:07:47 from web

As of today, Mel Gibson has officially released more hate-filled audio tapes than Osama bin Laden

On 15-7-2010 02:03:56 from web

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly into a hole and work best when jerked? A seatbelt - you pervert!

On 15-7-2010 05:12:59 from web

People who say they like "all kinds" of music actually don't like any.

On 15-7-2010 06:01:50 from web

People who say they like "all kinds" of music actually don't like any.

On 15-7-2010 06:01:50 from web

I guess Nicolas Cage finally gets to play himself in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice".

CNN just promised "the story behind the story" when they come back. Not to tell you to aim low, CNN, but maybe just try getting the story.

Saw Woman & Son get ASS beat on Street 2day.I Took em 2 da hospital.To Father who did this-I hope MEL GIBSON SHOWS YOU HIS ROSE GARDEN BITCH

On 15-7-2010 15:29:22 from web

After hearing the 4th tape, it's official Mel Gibson makes funnier phone calls than the Jerky Boys.

On 15-7-2010 16:00:44 from web

About to make a triple rainbow.

I had to explain to my coworker what this obscure Internet meme was. I don't know if that makes him out of touch or me pathetic.

""If you got an ugly profile pic, either you hate yourself or that's as good as you get."- Paul Shaw

On 15-7-2010 16:53:16 from web

Just watched Schindler's List for the first time...Hilarious!

Ignorance is just knowledge you didn't know you didn't have.

On 15-7-2010 18:18:44 from web

The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

On 15-7-2010 21:00:24 from web

Just re-listened to the old Alec Baldwin phone rant. Today it sounds like a 19th century nobleman inviting a lady to tea.

My Birthday is coming up in August. You can get me The Mel Gibson Audio Box Set.

Some days I see the shotgun target from Halo on everyone's face.

This quote made me laugh: "Censored Eminem songs on the radio sound a lot like a conversation between two AT&T customers."

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/mel-lebron-july/feed/ 0 Josh Sneed’s Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/josh-sneed-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/josh-sneed-twitter/#comments Mon, 12 Jul 2010 23:51:39 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1144

Josh Sneed a funny stand up comic and entrepreneur who is from my hometown of Cincinnati, OH.  

 

His road the comedy excellence is an interesting one as he once worked in a nice office for Proctor & Gamble….a well paying and very profitable company who makes almost everything. 

 

Josh has since left P&G and has established a solid reputation around the comedy community as he has been a guest on the Bob & Tom Show, has opened for Ron White, Bill Engvall, Mitch Hedburg, Dave Attell, Larry The Cable Guy, Dane Cook & Lewis Black.  He has been featured on Comedy Central Presents: Josh Sneed and Comedy Central's Premium Blend  and finished 2nd out of 100 in Comedy Central's 2008 top comedians Annual Stand-up Show Down. You can find Josh currently headlining comedy clubs across the Country as he is obviously no stranger to winning and making people laugh….he notes on his website that he once threw a softball through a tire in 4th grade which netted him the coveted "Blue Ribbon"….and possibly starting a love for Pabst "Blue Ribbon" Beer. 

As far as Twitter comedians go he is one of the better ones as he doesn't tweet TOO often but when he does, it is usually Funny…Go ahead and check out his latest tweet, You can FOLLOW Josh Sneed by clicking any of the tweets down below and don't forget to take a look at the 2 videos we posted at the bottom of the page.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Latest Tweet From Twitter

 

 

Josh Sneed's Featured Tweets

was at the Huddle House and saw a Prayer Request Box next to a Juke Box on the wall. I wrote on a piece of paper... http://bit.ly/jVZYe

Finding a clean toilet in an airport bathroom is such a crap shoot. #punday

On 5-10-2009 02:58:17 from web

Agassi used meth? This shouldn't be news to anyone who remembers his mullet, neon tank top, and short jean shorts phase.

On 28-10-2009 16:43:18 from web

Between the snow here in Cincinnati and 99% of the Winter Olympic athletes, this is the whitest Black History Month ever.

On 15-2-2010 23:32:59 from web

Apparently the cure for Tiger's disease is MASTERbation.

On 17-3-2010 02:36:13 from web

The NCAA Sweet 16 is just like MTV's Sweet 16. The kids who think it should be handed to them, whine when they don't get it.

On 23-3-2010 15:53:53 from web

I think there's something really uncomfortable about watching a grown man drink chocolate milk. I feel bad for everyone who can see me.

On 17-6-2010 11:39:43 from web

If people give me a funny look when I come out of the stall, I'll just tell them I was watching the World Cup on my iPhone.

On 15-6-2010 22:24:16 from web

Everyone please say a prayer for me. If the #Reds somehow get Cliff Lee, I might have a heart attack.

On 3-7-2010 16:39:58 from web

Mickey & Minnie couldn't be reached for comment, but I think the whole thing sounds Goofy. - http://bit.ly/9c5z1j

On 6-7-2010 17:52:14 from web

How awesome would it be if Lebron announced he was going to play for the Washington Generals?

On 7-7-2010 21:01:34 from web

Rioting in Cleveland right now. I hope they set the river on fire again.

On 9-7-2010 05:45:17 from web

I think I speak for our entire state of Ohio. http://twitpic.com/23nzer

@KingJames - I'm sure you've got a lot going on down there in MIA, so if you need someone to house sit for you, let me know.

On 9-7-2010 15:03:03 from web in reply to LeBron James

Periods. on. Twitter. are. supposed. to. show. that. you. mean. business. I've. got. nothing. except. periods.

On 28-6-2010 13:46:49 from web

went to a new dentist yesterday that gives you a cookie on your way out. It was like the circle of life or something.

On 30-6-2010 17:54:38 from web

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

Favorite Standup & YouTube Videos

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/josh-sneed-twitter/feed/ 3 June Wrap Up & Independence Day Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/june-wrap-independence/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/june-wrap-independence/#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 01:22:10 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1118

Welcome back to work folks, hope you had a great Independence Day weekend.  All 4th of July tweets are found at the bottom of the post.  This post also wraps up the rest of June which includes Funny Tweets from the NBA Finals, LA Riots, Fathers Day, The World Cup & More.  

 

Follow YourFunnyTweets on Twitter

WTF?

Funny-Tweets.com is happy to have teamed up with DonkeyTs.com 

Use the PROMO CODE : tweet to receive 15% off ALL orders.

1/2 of all proceeds to Funny-Tweets.com will be donated to Stepehen Colbert's (South Carolina's favorite native son) "Gulf  of America Fund" to help the cleanup efforts in The Gulf.

 

 

 

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

 

Nothing like waiting on hold with @AT&T for 20 minutes only to have the call drop due to terrible reception.

On 16-6-2010 17:26:20 from web

I hope none thinks I'm a racist for noticing this...wtf!!?? http://twitpic.com/1xbcif

I think 'earth day' should be 364 days a year and on that one other day planet earth should be our little bitch.

On 16-6-2010 18:26:00 from web

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat. It exists, but that doesn't make it right.

On 16-6-2010 18:28:29 from web