Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets of October http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Halloween & Oct Twitter Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/halloween-tweets/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/halloween-tweets/#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:50:39 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=348

Happy Halloween, the time of year where anyone can dress like slut (and by anyone I unfortunately mean everyone).  However Halloween is a public options everyone seems to get behind by publicly becoming slut or maniac.  What are you dressed as??? Oh I'm a slutty nurse, slutty mad hatter, slutty bunny, slutty peacock (peacock sound slutty enough), slutty teacher, slutty cheerleader, slutty bee and slutty slut slut.  NOTE: Make it a point to watch a fist fight at a Halloween Party, it is one of the best things anyone could ever witness.  Watching somone in a baby costume beat up someone dressed as an old man is simply amazing! 

Sexy Twitter Costume   Funny Tweets

I either got better at drunk texting or I got better at drunk driving. Either way, I'm riding home like a champion.

Every single Kramer entrance from Seinfeld: http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/348d

On 30-10-2009 04:51:00 from web

"I just burped in my pants" - my friend Nidhal, age 5

"Brevity is the soul of wit" reveals the source of Shakespeare's literary genius: premature ejaculation.

On 30-10-2009 02:40:02 from web

i ate my lunch from a spork today. i can't even remember what life was like before i made it big. probably very similar to life now.

On 30-10-2009 01:13:11 from web

For Halloween I think I'm going to go as a "slutty" slut.

If spelling came in a pill, I would need a perscription.

On 30-10-2009 00:38:13 from web

Q: How many Phillies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but the light will be in Philadelphia so what's the point?

I know I'm not getting myself nominated for any "funniest tweets" list but sometimes I just have to tell you guys about taped cats.

On 29-10-2009 23:18:47 from web

Best conversation I've ever overheard, "f--k that! I can't even SPELL beyonce."

 

I saw a Nun in full habit our eyes locked, I thought I was going to burst into flames. But no just a few drops of blood came out of my nose.

On 29-10-2009 20:47:22 from web

 

MY TRAINER: "Anyway, she just moved here and all she does is brag about her photo shoots." ME: "That's so LA." MY TRAINER: "Homos say that."

On 29-10-2009 20:14:09 from web

 

Someone just sent me one of those dumb videos where you look closely and then a scary ghost pops up and screams. I have poop in my hands.

On 29-10-2009 19:23:12 from web

I think it's just counting your dick and balls? RT @gabeliedman why is "genitals" ALWAYS plural? am i supposed to have more than i do?

On 29-10-2009 18:47:01 from web

 

@OGOchoCinco does his best talking when hes wired for sound by NFL Films http://tr.im/Dus6 "Sound FX" airs Weds at 4pm on NFL Network.

On 29-10-2009 18:33:20 from Echofon in reply to Chad Ochocinco

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."

On 29-10-2009 17:11:26 from web

 

I saw this guy for real in Palm Springs. Best doll of all time? http://bit.ly/5xi73

On 29-10-2009 16:28:42 from web

 

Sports: Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought http://ow.ly/15Y6m7

 

I'm high on life. My life just happens to revolve around heavy marijuana smoking.

I'm going to see Paranormal Activity tonight to escape from the normal activity in the world that is scaring the shit out of me.

 

Moonwalk Fail. http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/35bj

On 29-10-2009 10:21:09 from web

Here's a saying I just made up, "Even the greatest of boobs shall eventually sag." It basically means, "Live it up while you still can."

 

RT @duncantrussell It must suck to be a Nigerian billionaire who actually needs to put money into an overseas account.

On 29-10-2009 04:38:27 from web

 

Walking through the mall by myself while cutting horrible farts is oddly satisfying.

 

Some lady is singing along to the radio in the waiting room #stfu #publicplace #yousoundterrible

have somehow gotten Showtime 2 for free. After watching it for a few days, i still feel I'm paying too much.

 

I've been "listed" 109 times today. Does that explain the burning sensation?

On 28-10-2009 22:32:12 from web

When Chunk took home Sloth at the end of Goonies that probably didn't work out as well he hoped.

On 28-10-2009 22:10:39 from web

 

Just snorted some TamiFlu off @KimKardashian's "Honda Ridgeline".

 

The best part of being rejected the key to the city from Dayton, OH is that I don't have to go to Dayton, OH.

On 28-10-2009 20:58:39 from web

 

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

On 28-10-2009 20:39:09 from web

Seeing a Muppet's legs delights me every time.

On 28-10-2009 20:15:17 from web

 

World Series begins. And again two US teams make it to the big game. Sorry Belgium!

On 28-10-2009 18:32:22 from web

Agassi used meth? This shouldn't be news to anyone who remembers his mullet, neon tank top, and short jean shorts phase.

On 28-10-2009 16:43:18 from web

 

For Halloween I'm going as an iPhone. I'll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch.

 

Marijuana Legalization Movement Gets Support from Frito-Lay

On 28-10-2009 13:27:09 from web

 

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Most waitresses at Hooter's seem like girls in gym class who can't wait for it to be over.

 

Going to Myspace is like banging an ex, I'm not ready to let go so I visit when facebook isn't putting out. But I always feel dirty after.

On 28-10-2009 04:11:10 from web

I think it's weird that in Dirty Dancing that one girl had an abortion yet the lead character's name is Baby.

 

Andre Agassi admitted using crystal meth lil did he know his early 90's shitty garage band haircut already told us!

 

went to the gym today for the first time in months- thought i'd say hello before i'm too sore to move. happy tuesday all!

On 28-10-2009 00:07:34 from web

 

DJ Hero: Because some parents would rather guarantee their son will never get laid than talk to him about sex.

On 27-10-2009 19:52:29 from web

 

I'm inventing a knife-spoon-fork combo called a klusterfork.

On 27-10-2009 17:35:36 from web

 

I figured out that cake was invented before cupcakes. Because if cupcakes were first then they'd be cake and cake would be platecake.

On 27-10-2009 16:38:16 from web

I'm not into sex tapes. You have to set up a camera...I don't want to have to put batteries in two things before I have sex.

 

The washington redskins should be penalized a #1 draft pick for being so bad!

 

I will be on The NFL Today this Sunday on CBS to show them how broadcasting should be done

The only penis I like is on me right now (mine).

 

I'm convinced that @chriswinfield, much like Chuck Norris, never sleeps. The man is online 24/7. I think he's the Internet Santa Claus...

 

RT @tonyhawk "girl at restaurant: 'Are you Tony Hawk?' me: 'Yes.' her: 'Why?' I had no idea how to answer." Hilarious.

On 27-10-2009 02:36:35 from web

Damn! Just got a nice strong whiff of "feel good". Pretty sure it was cocaine, but I'll take it!

On 26-10-2009 23:47:25 from web

 

I've had nothing to eat all day. Except for 2 pairs of EDIBLE PANTIES. Because that's the way I live my life.

On 26-10-2009 23:16:26 from web

 

For halloween I see sexy nurses and sexy cops. No one is ever a sexy prostitute.

On 26-10-2009 22:58:11 from web

 

I'm gonna go walk somewhere that's not interesting, do something that's boring then come back and sit in a chair.

On 26-10-2009 22:54:33 from web

BREAKING: Changes to Facebook Feed Angers People With No Lives

On 26-10-2009 20:02:40 from web

 

Twitter from the shitter.

On 26-10-2009 19:30:40 from web

 

Left knee on fire after six hours in coach. Not enough icy/hot and weed in world to heal me. But I'll try anyway.

 

You know when you fill the Brita, but it's top-heavy until the water drips through the filter? That's how I feel. Water-brained.

On 26-10-2009 18:57:33 from web

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."

On 26-10-2009 17:46:10 from web

 

In Focus: 'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors http://ow.ly/15XoY5

 

Actual sign in Tampa: "Phantom Fireworks - Party Like A Pyro"

 

Just for @thebrianposehn, I knocked out the guy sitting next to me! #punchastrangermonday http://twitpic.com/n124k

New Study: All you sons of bitches can go to hell.

On 26-10-2009 14:58:34 from web

 

my tombstone will read: I tried to not be a dick.

On 26-10-2009 14:05:25 from web

 

Guess what American Airlines ticket lady who couldn't upgrade me and said "it's not always fun to be tall,huh" it's #punchastrangermonday

 

The Yankees are going to the World Series! Millions of New York residents are going to the hat store!

On 26-10-2009 04:11:45 from web

Fans praying to god at sporting events. Really? With everything wrong in this world u want god to make sure a pop up is caught. #mlbpulse

 

As much as it may seem otherwise, metrosexuals + people w/ weird food allergies are people too.

 

#itshouldbeillegal for people's lips to look like moon crags. Chapstick is less than a buck.

On 26-10-2009 01:45:02 from web

 

[audio] Kellogg's Worker Knew He Was Fired The Moment He Uttered The Word 'Unfrosted' http://ow.ly/15Xh2M

the best revenge is living well. the second best revenge is acid in face. who will love them now?

On 25-10-2009 22:39:46 from web

 

Looks like Jay Cutler is facing elimination in this week's episode of So You Think You Can Play Quarterback.

 

A girlfriend just suggested we do a "girls night." That's basically like saying "let's go out and pay for our own drinks!"

 

The mainstreaming of K-Y lube is evidence of a declining work ethic. Nobody wants to work for it anymore. It was once called foreplay.

On 25-10-2009 20:18:41 from web

Jared is like the patron saint of Subway. "Make a pilgramage to Subway and all ur fastfood sins will be forgiven"

 

Audience at Bush's Motivational Speech Commits Mass Suicide

On 25-10-2009 18:50:31 from web

 

Bout to stroll up the block with the glock.

On 25-10-2009 18:35:07 from web

 

RT @sportsguy33: Just remember, life could be worse - you could be David Spade abusing the memory of dead buddy Chris Farley in a DirecTV ad

Dear 98.7, do u really need to play puddle of mud songs? They've fallen back into obscurity for a reason, let them rest there. Thanks.

 

Why hasn't there been a Christmas movie called "Grandfather Claus" yet?

On 25-10-2009 17:51:55 from web

 

Do strippers have dreams about going to work with clothes on?

 

if something is "needless to say," then why do people always say it? you just told me it was "needless." "to say."

On 25-10-2009 17:20:46 from web

 

Thrift stores acting as Halloween stores: "You could be a hippie? A pimp? Someone who likes to wear the clothes of the recently deceased?"

Comedy has taught me that when there's a black guy in a bowler hat and pin-stripped suit sittin' right up front, there's gonna be trouble.

On 25-10-2009 15:46:10 from web

After seeing that 3D movie - my normal vision bores me. This is 3D? Please.

Myriad smells on this tiny plane to DC. I'm also bewildered by the amount of adult open-air coughing. Who raised this plane?

 

Yes, breakfast, we know you're the most important meal of the day but get over yourself already. And stop being such a dick to lunch.

On 25-10-2009 12:23:12 from web

I would never follow a girl on twitter because of how hot she is. But I would in real life.

[S] I'm thinking of a number in betwen 1 and I've had too much Bourbon.

On 25-10-2009 01:52:40 from web

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Gays #oneletteroffmovies

On 25-10-2009 01:03:30 from web

Stomp the Tard #oneletteroffmovies

On 25-10-2009 00:51:23 from web

Raiders Of The Lost Arm #oneletteroffmovies

On 25-10-2009 00:28:23 from web

am I the only one who hates Tim Tebow so much that I almost feel like im against christianity?

They say violent movies cause violence? No. High school musical makes me want to punch someone in the face.

playing a fun game of "homeless or hip" in santa monica.

She's Gotta Have Tit RT @lizzwinstead The Green Milf #oneletteroffmovies

On 24-10-2009 23:23:49 from web

The Green Milf #oneletteroffmovies

Planet of the Rapes RT @samantharonson Malice in wonderland #oneletteroffmovies

On 24-10-2009 23:15:43 from web

Malice in wonderland #oneletteroffmovies

Farrenheit 7/11 RT @SarahKSilverman Three Men End a Baby #oneletteroffmovies

On 24-10-2009 23:11:04 from web

Three Men End a Baby #oneletteroffmovies

On 24-10-2009 23:05:13 from web

I bet cheerleaders are really good at faking orgasms.

Problem number 84 among which a bitch is not one: Bagel places close too early.

A guy on a plane told me when I reclined my seat, it crushed his knees. I told him that nothing gave me more pleasure than knowing that.

On 22-10-2009 20:47:03 from web

Isn't it weird that 1/2 the people on Earth have doodle-sticks + the other 1/2 have yum-yum pockets?

I have an enormous piece of art.

On 22-10-2009 20:42:01 from web

More shows tonight and the rest of the weekend at Denver ComedyWorks Landmark! Today I might go fuck up Eddie Bauer. Denver loves fleece.

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Sports: Dopey-Looking Guy Who Doesn't Know He's On Jumbotron Jay Cutler http://ow.ly/15Wx01

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/halloween-tweets/feed/ 0 Funny Twitter Tweets of Week Oct 15 – 21 http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-15th-21st/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-15th-21st/#comments Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:05:34 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=314

Our posts are becoming more frequent as comedians are really stepping it up on Twitter and making their Tweet Updates Funny! Here are the latest Funny & Hilarious Tweets From Twitter featuring once again Whitney Cummings & Chris D’elia – Go Follow them, and Follow us YourFunnyTweets while you are at it.

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

On 21-10-2009 20:44:14 from web

New term for dying in a spectacularly stupid way: "walk-off home run."

On 15-10-2009 11:38:52 from web

Sports: Raiders Achieve First Down http://ow.ly/15V7Aa
Passed this on the street today. If you're the dude this was written for, you've got a keeper. http://twitpic.com/lm45y
They're serving bratwurst over here at NBC today. I'm gonna pass on any food that has the word "worst" in it. Am I right?!!

On 15-10-2009 17:00:59 from web

"did that thing just make a noise?" what chicks say when I pull down my pants.
How do I make myself feel better after being sick with food poisoning for the past day? I buy myself a Legend of Zelda hoodie #sicknerd
if anyone see's the sun please let him know he's missed several appointments with me. thanks for picking up the slack clouds
a 'pedifiles playground' and a 'playground' are really the same thing
Tried to skype my brother while flying. Didn't work but I think I invented time-travel you guys! Look at all these fucking dinosaurs!
I get why girls flash their boobs when they're partying with friends. My bffs are coming to town tonight and I can barely keep my top on!

On 15-10-2009 23:18:22 from web

"Yo we're gonna wear them all night, right bro?" http://pic.gd/8847f4
That cat from the "hang in there" poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up.
Final verdict on 1st class flight: seats comfy, wine sweet, blowjobs were a little dry. -w
Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film http://ow.ly/15Vlee
Sober October = no alcohol. And lots of weed.
Black people generate better trending topics than white people. #realtalk #waytogoblackpeople

On 16-10-2009 21:34:47 from web

I wonder what hotcakes sold like when they first hit the market?
Making love to the Eric Clapton song "It's In The Way That You Use It" at 4 PM with no condom on is the most serious thing you can do.

On 16-10-2009 22:05:40 from web

Shit on everything

On 16-10-2009 23:06:01 from web

MLB: It's so cold in New York, A-Rod's cousin injected him with hot cocoa... #Yankees

On 17-10-2009 00:06:50 from web

Newsflash-Beween the 5th and 6th inning Kate Hudson made an unwatchable romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey that went straight to video
Two fun shows at Bloomington Funny Bone. Got high with a dude in his pajamas. Felt like I was back in college.
Vegas At Pure. So many douchebags so little time.
Won $250 on roulette and walked away. #jewsdontgamble
The "Continental Breakfast" wasn't named after any particular continent. It comes from the isle of skimpy, right off the coast of crap.
Sports: As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court http://ow.ly/15Vxw2
Someone I'm talking to seriously just referenced the movie Boat Trip. #iminshock
Hypochodriac Thought for The Day: How many murderers in my life have I unknowingly walked by or even shook hands with? #fb
@kevin_nealon I always wonder how many people have watched me sleep without my consent.

On 18-10-2009 21:05:59 from web in reply to Kevin Nealon

Sincere apologies for stabbing the couple dressed as Ballon Boy's parents at Halloween party last night. Thought you were the real deal.
RT @paulscheer You can look as tough as you want but once you utter, "Hey Bro, grab Me A Caramel Frap" I'm no longer frightened of you.

On 18-10-2009 22:54:35 from web

Glenn Beck was for sure the kid that took karate for 8 months when he was 12 and then he thought he could beat up anybody.

On 18-10-2009 22:58:07 from web

Universal Halloween horror. Shrek's dong is in fact green.
There's a new book out called "Why Women Have Sex." The author also wrote "Why Men Have Sex," but it's just a pamphlet.

On 19-10-2009 05:12:21 from web

Dear Monday, You're so hard to take, must you be so cold and gray too? Your older brother Friday is fun. Can't you be more like him?

On 19-10-2009 17:40:40 from web

Are you there God, It's me Panic.
Most bitch car for a dude? Z4 Roadster from BMW. If you drive it and have a dick, you also suck them.
A new IPhone app from Pepsi claims to help men “score” with women. We all know the best way to score with women is to have some coke.

On 19-10-2009 21:06:19 from web

Is this a jazzy enough slogan for my new side-biz?: "I'll babysit the shit out your baby; I used to be a father!"
http://twitpic.com/m704u - I hate NY..but I loved this! Great job rookie!
Dear People Telling Me What To Do, Don't tell me what to do. Love, Not your employee
#teachaniggatuesday Don't be a nigga. That will solve most of your problems.

On 20-10-2009 04:16:30 from web

if i could make this noise for every time i failed- not matter why or how- i'd enjoy fucking up so much more. http://tinyurl.com/2gx8gh

On 20-10-2009 06:12:19 from web

Oprah's 1st question when she interviews Sarah Palin, "Why do u think people like us even though we're clearly both huge assholes? You 1st."

On 20-10-2009 23:42:28 from web

When your Tuesday feels like a Monday you know you're in for a long week. Maybe Wednesday will feel like Thursday and even things out.

On 20-10-2009 13:25:07 from web

Stressed? Try this: picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir... Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.
Here is something I shot with the band Anvil. I hope you enjoy: http://tiny.cc/Qqr2v

On 20-10-2009 16:50:43 from web

Is it considered consensual sex if it happens in a dream and the gun isn't loaded?

On 20-10-2009 16:51:03 from web

Sports: Redskins Hold Press Conference To Announce They Are Still Sort Of A Football Team http://ow.ly/15W4bL
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

On 20-10-2009 17:53:54 from web

Man, my biological clock is tiiiiiiiiiiiiiicking. #badthingstosayonadate
Just saw a guy in a tshirt with the anarchy symbol on it get into a car with an obama sticker on it. Confused much?
Just did laundry and all the socks matched back up. It's the little things.

On 21-10-2009 05:48:50 from web

A London study says the best way to treat a heroin addiction is with heroin. Let the record show that I’m a sex addict. Treatment please!

On 21-10-2009 06:11:07 from web

Is Zombieland a documentary about LA?
RT @comedycentral @ccinsider Top 23 Reverse Photo Bombs on the Net http://bit.ly/4GcI8c #funny

On 21-10-2009 10:18:53 from web

Just saw a black guy driving a Saab station wagon! Make a wish!
Clevelanders beware of a vitamin D overdose today. Our bodies aren't ready for this much sunlight this time of year.
If I were Sammy Hagar, I would not be Sammy Hagar.
I've scientifically figured out the most female thing to say ever. It's this; "I just kinda do my own thing."
Just saw the Liberty Bell in downtown Philly. 70 degress & sunny. Maybe this city isn't a shithole after all.
If you're in high school, and you're trying to think of a name for your band, go with "The Can I Just Put the Tip Ins"

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-15th-21st/feed/ 0 Funny Tweets of October ’09 http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-funny-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-funny-twitter/#comments Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:56:38 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=303 http://www.funny-tweets.com/oct-funny-twitter/feed/ 3