Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets December http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Christmas Twitter Updates http://www.funny-tweets.com/chirstmas-twitter-updates/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/chirstmas-twitter-updates/#comments Fri, 25 Dec 2009 20:50:50 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=610

Merry Christmas Funny Twitter Updates


Photo's from SketchySantas.com

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The Charlie Brown Christmas special is on tonight. The one where Linus shoots that reindeer in the face in the busted coke deal.

What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals?

GREAT GIFT IDEA: Shut the fuck up for once.

On 11-12-2009 21:45:05 from web

Things said during Xmas: "I'm so happy we're together." (0 times). "Where's the f#%& tape? I gotta wrap this s#%*!" (4,371 times).

On 12-12-2009 17:26:08 from web

'Tis the season when we use 'tis instead of it's.

On 12-12-2009 23:54:19 from web

Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine.

On 14-12-2009 01:31:32 from web

Canta Slaus lives in the South Pole, has huge elves, and delivers toys to adults in August.

On 15-12-2009 04:30:02 from web

Thoughts from the inventor of egg nog: "Man, I could really go for a tall, cold, glass of eggs right now."

I wonder how many people with cameltoe are standing under mistletoe right at this moment.

On 17-12-2009 03:02:58 from web

If Barack Obama was in charge of my xmas shopping, he'd put together an amazing shopping list, then end up buying everyone socks.

I want a thuggie for Christmas: http://bit.ly/5Kn2jX

Profile pics are a lot like Christmas sweaters: some are ugly, some are offensive but the truly great ones are still kind of really ugly.

On 20-12-2009 07:04:20 from web

Do you know anyone that celebrates Kwanzaa? Mom: No. No one celebrates Kwanzaa. Not even black people. My mom said the same thing as me! #fb

On 20-12-2009 14:50:03 from web

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Except for the Jews." -Santa Claus

A couple thousand years and some months ago, a lady named Mary was about to give Joseph "the news." Fingers crossed he'll understand!

On 21-12-2009 06:16:26 from web

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BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins, so you don't have to be an asshole about it.

My daughter: "Why doesn't the alarm go off when Santa goes down the chimney?" Me: "Magic." My daughter: "Bullshit."

On 21-12-2009 20:05:55 from web

All I want for christmas is a parking spot.

On 21-12-2009 22:54:13 from web

TV ads where they sing slogans and helpful hints using traditional Xmas melodies sure nail that "Horribly obnoxious" market.

I feel like that whole family was pretty blase about grandma getting run over by a reindeer. Grandma must've been a real bitch.

On 22-12-2009 01:56:22 from web

I never met a hall I didn't deck with boughs of holly.

On 22-12-2009 04:23:03 from web

Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring http://bit.ly/8EMCxI

Doing my laundry today, even though I'm going home to see my parents tomorrow. It's a Christmas miracle!

On 22-12-2009 17:42:08 from web

A little holiday cheer! Long ago I directed a musical # for the stage called, "Jesus Is My Drinkin' Buddy" Enjoy: http://bit.ly/8d5N9b

On 22-12-2009 17:57:54 from web

Never share your Christmas letter to Santa with anyone. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f4b2372780/dear-santa

On 22-12-2009 18:08:16 from web

If I have to listen to The Jackson 5 sing Santa Claus Is Coming to Town one more damn time...

The worst part about shopping is seeing all the stuff that is way better than the stuff you own.

Santa should give cleaner energy. Maybe giving all of the bad kids coal is what got us in this climate change debacle in the first place. -w

I decided to get into the Holiday Spirit by not paying my cell phone bill. Now I have Silent Nights and Weekends.

On 23-12-2009 09:11:46 from web

Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 http://bit.ly/66i99j

We should all stop focusing on the chestnuts. There is an open fire in the house.

On 23-12-2009 16:12:15 from web

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Santa Claus" "Santa Claus? At this hour?!" (door opens, multiple gun shots.) Have a safe holiday everyone.

On 23-12-2009 16:49:06 from web

Merry Christmas Eve Eve. For Brits Happy Christmas Eve Eve. For atheist enjoy Hell. (yes I'm being sarcastic)

Going to Trader Joe's with my mom. This close to Christmas Eve, I'm really only there to punch people out of the way for her.

On 23-12-2009 17:52:30 from web

The miracle is days away. Egg nog and chronic.

On 23-12-2009 17:54:03 from web

Car repairs are eating away at my Christmas sack.

It's eating Chinese food and crying eve. #jew

On 23-12-2009 19:26:34 from web

Just did Christmas shopping on my iPhone. If iPhone gets a vagina and starts telling me how funny and cute I am, my girlfriend's in trouble

As I reflect upon this Christmas season I can't help wonder what the three wise men would've thought of Peter Tosh's "Bush Doctor" album.

Heading to the mall to "accidentally" spill scalding hot gingerbread lattes on dudes wearing Santa hats and Ed Hardy.

Jingle Bell Rock does not rock... it swings a little, but it definitely doesn't rock.

Dancer? Prancer? C'mon, it's Christmas Eve not Christmas Steve.

On 24-12-2009 15:40:47 from web

The two dirtiest places in the mall right now: the water fountain and santa's knee.

We're leaving a big fat rail of coke and a shot of Jack for Santa this year… cookies and milk will just slow him down. #makingmemories

Attn: White People. None of us Blacks actually celebrate Kwanzaa. None of us. So you, your friends, and Old Navy can stop mentioning it.

On 24-12-2009 17:35:35 from web

And in 33 years you're going to? Nail him to a what!? But we get chocolate eggs for that. I see. Where's my hammer I'll do it now.

Listen to TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS the way it was intended to be heard http://tumblr.com/x5a4xv0x0

Hey Toby Keith, take off the cowboy hat before you put on the Santa hat. Can't wear two hats, and that's obvious. http://twitpic.com/v0caq

did I really just pull the price tag off a toy I got my dog for xmas?

On 24-12-2009 20:56:18 from web

Just read on @huffingtonpost that Rudolph's Red Nose is due to a Melanoma. Our prayers go out to him.

Reminded of that song about the kid seeing his father making love to Santa.

On 24-12-2009 22:58:36 from web

In honor of Christmas Eve, I'd like to remember the Douchebag Inn Keeper who refused to let a pregnant lady sleep indoors...

I passed out. When I came to, the beer in my hand was still cold. It's a Christmas miracle.

On 25-12-2009 00:55:53 from web

I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is the exact sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

On 25-12-2009 01:16:05 from web

It's official! Snow is going to be in my living room for three hours on Christmas! He's going to rap 'Informer' 40 times! It only cost $30!

On 25-12-2009 01:50:27 from web

Does raid kill bahumbugs?

Sleep tight, everyone! Soon Santa will be over *your* home! BRINGING DEATH FROM ABOVE http://twitpic.com/v2x1t

My kids think Baby Jesus is one of Santa's elves.

Who would have guessed when 'Jingle All The Way' came out that Arnold, NOT Sinbad, would be elected to public office?

Btw. If you group text everyone in your phone book "merry Xmas". It is way more crappy than not doing it at all. Resist.

... And, of course, Merry Christmas, or what ever the new marketing term is. Love you all, each one of you, individually, by yourself xxx

Just ran into Santa as I was walking to the bathroom, naked, with a raging pee boner. We fist-pounded awkwardly.

Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas http://bit.ly/7Xcrom

I feel sick today. Leg killing me as usual #tinytimtweets

Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for following me! More dick jokes in 2010 :)

Merry Christmas. Did anyone get a car with a giant ribbon on top? Has anyone ever? Do those ribbons even exist?

 

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/chirstmas-twitter-updates/feed/ 0 Funny Twitter Updates December http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-twitter-updates-december09/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-twitter-updates-december09/#comments Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:28:08 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=594


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Ahh yes the holidays, that time when everyone is either extremely over excited over it all OR they feel they are performing "The Feats of Strength" each year and are dicks.  First some "Airing of Grievances"

We have added new comedians to our “feature” list…head over there and check out our Chirs D’Elia and Whitney Cummings Funny Tweet Pages when you are done with this post.  They are 2 of the funniest people you can follow.

Funny Twitter Updates

And don’t forget to follow me! All I pretty much do is retweet Funny Tweets n Shiz

 

Been Retweeting since 2009

On 17-12-2009 22:09:15 from web

 

Also, next week look for our Chirstmas/Holiday/Festivus Tweet Post.

 

I think the term "crotchless underwear" is crass. I prefer "vagina snorkel."

the glass is half awesome

Blog post still not finished and I need to be up in 6.5 hours. Commence lots of cursing.

On 1-12-2009 08:53:10 from web

Tough break for you: I just realized that I am awesome.

On 1-12-2009 10:25:39 from web

The fact that Don Imus wears a cowboy hat while he broadcasts his RADIO SHOW is so incredibly hilarious I may just have to kill myself.

On 1-12-2009 12:00:13 from web

I wonder what kind of apps jesus would have on his iphone...

RT @markhoppus: Football party! Herbal tea, scented candles, salad, facial masks, mani-pedi's, and at halftime we talk about our feelings.

Cyber Monday is the new Black.

It's an achievement to get your clothes to smell like cat litter when you don't have any cats.

On 1-12-2009 18:29:36 from web

In NYC for a few days. Forgot how much I missed speeding down 8th Ave in a cab w/o a seatbelt, falafel odor & listening to Iranian music.

Just walked past a guy who smelled like a full-on porn store - the kind that only says "Adult Books" on the sign.

Checked out a babe on the st. and ended up behind her at the bank. If this were Californication, I'd have discovered she's a squirter by now

On 1-12-2009 19:33:33 from web

Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win.

On 1-12-2009 19:36:39 from web

I for real just overheard someone seriously say to someone else "I'm a ghosthunter." That pretty much means "I don't have a job."

i'm pretty sure, no matter what i'm doing in LA, if i come home to chicago with a tan people will think i'm extremely successful. 99% sure.

On 1-12-2009 23:36:13 from web

Dear Adulterers: Stop doing anything to document your infidelities. I'm not necessarily on your side, it's just stupid.

On 1-12-2009 23:58:56 from web

There's a fine line between spending $14 at dollar margarita happy hour and $3,000 in bail.

On 2-12-2009 00:01:46 from web

If you lie very still in bed in a hooded sweatshirt under all the covers, all your sad feelings get pulled into the threads of the sheets.

On 2-12-2009 00:30:01 from web

Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes http://bit.ly/7YGkkN

My goal? Own every single thing in the Sky Mall.

On 2-12-2009 02:54:31 from web

Has anyone seen the commercial where the guy hesitates when asked whether he would save his wife or his miller lite? HA-HA alcoholism.

Tiger's mistress claims they were involved for 31 months. You measure illegitimate relationships like you would your baby's age.

On 3-12-2009 06:41:16 from web

I just had a glass of V8 juice before bed. Because I enjoy thick and spicy beverages that people soak in when a skunk sprays them.

On 3-12-2009 08:50:39 from web

[video] Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked http://bit.ly/7VziaF

Cops are making drug busts at jam band shows? Talk about shooting phish in a barrel!

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn.

I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine.

Dear 19-year-olds: You didn't discover "Don't Stop Believin'" Love, The Past

On 3-12-2009 19:54:36 from web

Disclaimer: I thought I discovered the Doors in 1992.

On 3-12-2009 20:01:52 from web

Is a slug a homeless snail?

On 3-12-2009 20:09:02 from web

One day I will have my own brand of Vodka called, "LeVar Burton's Slut Juice".

On 5-12-2009 00:41:26 from web

back from Reno, I know why there is a NO in the name

"Twitter is progress. Why say a little to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everybody?" -Jerry Seinfeld

Are these new blackberry commercials trying to make me buy a phone or get a girlfriend? Take it down a notch, Blackberry.

We just pulled up next to Suge Knight at a red light and my car full of honkeys hollered at him as he laughed while NOT killing us! #true!

why aren't 2 hrs. of Jersey Shore enough? why wasn't i born into this culture? i'm so confused.

Keep ya head the opposite of down today, if you step in shit its okay it represents what you are at this present time. THE SHIT

"Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers.

Sports: Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame http://bit.ly/4MyXnw

Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related? (asking for a friend)

On 5-12-2009 18:01:50 from web

I have a Gap in my teeth and a Banana Republic in my pants.

On 5-12-2009 19:06:34 from web

"hey I wanna nail ur shitter" is NOT how a man shld initiate anal sex. Ofcourse anal sex shldnt be predicated wth too mch romance either.

Would like to sip on a smoothie made from Tim Tebow tears.

On 6-12-2009 05:44:10 from web

Twitter, Google, Yahoo... who names these, Dr. Suess?

being in the mac store is like getting a second chance to be nice to the kids you ignored in high school. no thanks

conan o'brien is 1 of my neighbors. on weekends jenny and i watch his hair moving back and forth over the eight foot wall. we love him. :)}}

On 6-12-2009 20:46:08 from web

Cheerleaders are like blimps. Every time I see one I'm like, "Why do these still exist?"

The truth will set you free. Except when it's the police. Then you end up in jail.

progress report: i've successfully held it down on the couch all day today.

Apple interrupted a funeral I was at this weekend to tell us that a new version of iTunes is available.

watching news. they just ended a segment with "i'm gonna leave it there." reminded me of daily show clip! http://tinyurl.com/ykgkown so good

On 7-12-2009 14:51:09 from web

I really need an automatic snow blower. Anyone know Whitney Houston's number??

On 7-12-2009 16:03:00 from web

I have a serious case of the mondays through late thursdays.

Operation: Do just enough to keep my job is going just as planned.

It's raining hard in LA. People are running everywhere terrified. It would be like if Zombies attacked your town. With laser guns.

On 7-12-2009 18:10:07 from web

Weird performance art: I once saw a guy on stage suck all the ink out of a highlighter. Can anyone top that?

On 8-12-2009 04:32:00 from web

Nobody celebrates Kwanzaa. Not even black people. It's almost sad. #fb

On 8-12-2009 04:50:02 from web

It is what it is. Unless it isn't.

On 8-12-2009 21:03:13 from web

I'm a very sexual person. I just typed this with my penis.

On 8-12-2009 22:30:25 from web

To all of you wearing headsets at the gym...we can hear your farts!

@OGOchocinco fined 30K for sombrero. Brady Quinn's fine for chop block only 10K. Does NFL spin a wheel to determine fines?

On 9-12-2009 01:20:24 from web in reply to Chad Ochocinco

@EricStangel cry ? For what? I'm having a ball out here on the field, wait till you see this Sunday

"The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln

I'm going to Twitter the shit out of this mutherfucker.

On 9-12-2009 16:07:29 from web

Just called my parents on my way to work. They're drinking at the Orlando Alehouse. It's wednesday. Morning.

On 9-12-2009 17:49:41 from web

My 17 yr old twin sisters joined Facebook. Im changing my profile pic to a more intimidating one & friending any boy who writes on thr wall.

Hey gang! Let's "synchrofart" at 20:00 GMT! RT!

There is something beautiful about running into someone who is skipping the same thing you are. You just nod and carry on your way. -w

Okay, so Blockbuster is basically just a candy store now.

My hero act of the day? Walking by a bowl of Hershey's Kisses without taking one.

Guy 2 seats up was watching 'I Love You Man' dvd. Then walked by me, stopped, pointed and goes, "asshole". Kept walking.

On 10-12-2009 00:24:29 from web

You really think that flimsy curtain is keeping me out of 1st class? Show New Moon up there & I'll rip thru that thing like a cheap condom.

On 10-12-2009 00:31:28 from web

The Mile High Club isn't really a club. It's a group. A group of gross people that no one on earth will fuck.

On 10-12-2009 00:41:38 from web

So that turn signal for the last 2 miles did NOT indicate a lane change? Well played. I hope I don't meet you over a poker table, Tan Civic.

FYI- Tonight on MythBusters, the guys test the myth that Browns coach Eric Mangini's headset is hooked up to anything...

On 10-12-2009 01:45:35 from web

About a year ago I just stopped matching socks. I don't regret it.

On 11-12-2009 19:25:47 from web

I am an idiot. I just made myself laugh out loud at my own "Bruce Almiiiiiighty then" joke

I know every stripper Tiger Woods ever met, but still have no idea WTF that big space hole over Norway was about. Thanks, news.

On 11-12-2009 21:15:54 from web

What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals?

GREAT GIFT IDEA: Shut the fuck up for once.

On 11-12-2009 21:45:05 from web

I'd like to thank meth addicts everywhere for making buying cold medicine a giant pain in the ass.

Just did a really cool spin move out of Western Bagel. Please retweet.

#menshouldnever Suggest Olive Garden for a dinner date

On 12-12-2009 01:31:09 from web

Pee Wee Herman is back! I guess he figured that by 2009 standards, he's downright dignified.

On 12-12-2009 01:56:16 from web

During these difficult economic times, and to try and help the environement, I am vowing this year to only jingle MOST of the way.

I wanna raise my kids on that TV show Jersey Shore.

Dear rachel, going up to 2 men and saying "what's this, a model convention?" DOESN'T WORK. #notcrying

Tiger Woods is good at golf and fucking.

If I was Gene Hackman, right before I came during sex I would yell at the top of my lungs: "Time for the Gene Pool!"

On 12-12-2009 16:08:52 from web

What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals?

Overheard Tiger in the bedroom, 'Get there! Get there! ...Now BITE!'

In atlantic city you are not allowed to cuss at the tables. So I can bet my baby's college fund away, but can't say fuck afterwards.

"Establishing credit" should be called "Establishing debt"

On 12-12-2009 21:02:12 from web

The black Tiger Woods cheated on his wife the white Tiger Woods tried to coverit up and the Asian Tiger Woods was driving the Car thatnight

On 12-12-2009 22:57:58 from web

This might just be the most ignorant redneck thing I've ever seen. And yes, it's hilarious. : http://ping.fm/7KsoS

Wedgies are a pain in the ass.

Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine.

On 14-12-2009 01:31:32 from web

Hoodie strings and water fountains will forever be in disagreement.

Brains are the worst computers ever. Shit just gets deleted at random. #fb

On 14-12-2009 03:03:46 from web

Not sure what I'm more offended by. My shower labeling me a douche or how it calls itself a telephone. http://twitpic.com/ti13b

I want to do a Chinese fire drill during an orgy.

On 14-12-2009 18:07:20 from web

I like to refer to masturbation as "Having myself at hello."

president obama met with top bankers yesterday. i hoped they talked about loosening restrictions on those unfairly chained bank pens

On 15-12-2009 16:26:05 from web

Dylan's Internet Safety Tip #777- Always remember to put the safesearch on when researching "Moby Dick."

On 15-12-2009 19:47:11 from web

I'm sad for this person. http://tweetphoto.com/6487934

The number of people with the balls to demand free seats to a charity benefit is astounding.

Just passed Harrison Ford in traffic! We both have a black Prius. But only one of us has a light saber for a penis!

When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters.

Frequently heard around the Senate: "Oh, fuck, here comes Lieberman."

On 16-12-2009 00:10:41 from web

Really Chex? A black person on the front of a box of Chex Chocolate cereal? That's the best you can do?

I liked it when my friends would get boob jobs in college, because that meant Free Water Bras for Rachie!!!!!

On 16-12-2009 01:51:38 from web

If people didn't have butt-holes, prison would be WAY less scary.

Today I heard that The Jonas Brothers were like The Beatles because of their fame with the ladies. Oh, Also today I killed myself.

On 16-12-2009 05:45:36 from web

Every dad's worst nightmare... "Is my daughter in there?" http://twitpic.com/tquym

Always funny seeing a bad ass Mexican dude driving around blasting music that basically sounds just like the chicken dance.

Opening for JAckie Mason, he puts the ewwwww in jew!

On 16-12-2009 17:13:21 from web

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