Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets March http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:04:07 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Ha Ha April Fools Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/ha-ha-april-fools-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/ha-ha-april-fools-twitter/#comments Thu, 01 Apr 2010 12:40:51 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=835

 

Well I suppose the joke is on you as we do not have a single tweet from April 1st but April Fools Day of jokes/pranks and we have plenty of jokes in 140 characters or less.

To make up for my lame April Fools Day joke I present you the video of the month by ReggieWatts

 

Warning-NSFW(Explicit as a Fuck Shit Stack Language)

 

 

South Cackalacky's Whacky Tobacky can't touch Cali's

On 1-4-2010 11:50:41 from web

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Don't forget to follow me (Click link above) or grab my attention by throwing the Twitter mention @YourFunnyTweets

 

I'm against instant replay in baseball. As a Mets fan, I don't want to relive anything.

On 18-3-2010 13:47:24 from web

I got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

On 18-3-2010 12:30:08 from web

Sometimes, I'll post on my friend's facebook walls "Did She say yes?!".... just to get their girlfriend's hopes up..

#howyouathug when you wear your seat belt? Why get a "Ready to die" tattoo then?

On 18-3-2010 14:39:46 from web

Remember: If the leprechaun sees his shadow today, six more weeks of drinking.

The more people you know, the more everyone's life sounds the same.

My bank lets me send a text and it'll text back with my balance. It's a nice feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

On 18-3-2010 16:47:26 from web

Fist bump and "Hey, handsome, you look good!" from homeless woman = best possible start to day.

Should I change my name to OCHO STINKO since I'm the shit? I ain't arrogant or cocky but my football skills are #just saying

#Fact: R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" Chapters 1-12 is possibly one of the top 20 best comedy albums ever...

someone just asked "how do u delete yo life" U CHEW ON A GRENADE WIT THE PIN OUT

On 18-3-2010 19:13:39 from web

NEWSWIRE: Area Man's Plea For Help 'Liked' By 6 Friends On Facebook

On 18-3-2010 19:16:49 from web

My day got awesome when my friend said "Hey, did I ever tell you my theory on pastry chefs?"

http://twitpic.com/19e0xt - We just got a fresh shipment of Dick Towels! Thanks @RealDickTowel & @Glenn_Howerton!

Whenever I get nominated as "designated driver," I like to celebrate with a few drinks.

How fun is it the first time you find out someone doesn't like someone that you don't like!? Let the shit talking love fest begin!!!

On 18-3-2010 21:03:54 from web

#HowYouaThug with fitted shirts and a lisp

Barry, that's not fair. RT @BarackObama: FYI, if you shitheads don't follow @robdelaney, you won't get healthcare.

Girls who support Arsenal could play for the mens team! #youseentheircalfs

On 19-3-2010 20:28:37 from web

It's impossible to spin a chair around and sit on it backwards without saying, "alright, listen up!"

On 19-3-2010 20:33:44 from web

I bet dermatologists prefer topical humor.

On 19-3-2010 20:37:44 from web

Given the economy, a more honest census form would ask, "How many people are living in your car?"

On 19-3-2010 20:39:11 from web

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck

I just learned that retweets of my Bieber tweet mentioning Bieber actually help Bieber. Bieber, you're a worthy foe. Bieber.

On 19-3-2010 20:50:08 from web

If you have ten or more profile pics and someone has commented on 60% or more of them, that person wants to fuck you. #fb

On 19-3-2010 21:12:41 from web

Don't forget, Monday is National Talk Like William Shatner Day. All day & night you'll need to pause mid word & gesture like a marionette.

A stripper once told me that I'm not her type. Um, yeah I am. I have a dick and 20 dollars.

On 19-3-2010 23:02:54 from web

Just saw a couple running together. Happy I'm having a cocktail instead of being them.

I can't decide which I like more, side-tit or under-tit. #titistit

Hummus tastes like B.O. smells.

I did yoga today and then had Hummus for dinner. Now I am on a hunt to find my penis! Its a new day!

I cannot believe that someone is suing to get credit for Lady Gaga's music.

On 20-3-2010 02:34:19 from web

[S] Once shorthand for "black", "urban" now connotes "hipster", yet Keith Urban is a country singer from Australia. WTF, lexicon?!

On 20-3-2010 03:00:55 from web

RT @richsommer: If these five cups of coffee are any indication, I would hate cocaine. #fb (This is one of my favorite actors on Madmen)

Tim Allen stopped by Improv grabbed my dick and said, 'Its Tool Time'

Guys, if sex didn't burn calories, we'd do it a lot less.

Gonna start calling Mexican restaurants "Fart Supply Stores."

Can you grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia wars?

On 20-3-2010 08:47:38 from web

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ OUCH!!!!

Mummies might be scarier if they weren't called mummies. Brits call their Moms that. Suggestion: Psycho Rotting Corpse Wrapped In Gauze.

On 20-3-2010 12:20:51 from web

u show me a bad bitch I'll show u a nigga that tired of fucking her

I read a recent report suggesting that a mans favorite place to be kissed is on his ears. I think it’s nuts.

On 20-3-2010 16:20:53 from web

Does anything say 'rob me' more than walking around downtown Detroit in an argyle zip up while holding a copy of Tennis Magazine?

On 20-3-2010 17:30:42 from web

So I finally bought a Mac, but I could've sworn these things came with a corduroy blazer and black glasses...

On 20-3-2010 18:56:49 from web

I have just been informed the most googled thing about me is "breasts"....I dont know if I should be offended or flattered.

On 20-3-2010 19:01:47 from web

When Ariel went from mermaid to girl, there should have been a "Look at me, I have a vagina now" song.

The 1st rule of Fight Club is: No one ever addresses how homoerotic Fight Clubs are. The 2nd rule is: No girls allowed.

On 20-3-2010 21:31:00 from web

Man Im bouta buy a church. Theres no better bizness potna than God. Not only is he a moneymaker but that dude only wants 10%.

On 20-3-2010 22:36:56 from web

I wonder why my dick get smaller when I have to pee real bad

and that the last on them. now ill change channells and comment on... hoarders!... oh no...pizza boxes? whaaaaat?.....im scared

On 20-3-2010 23:04:54 from web

New cigarette warning- Quitting smoking now significantly increases the amount of money you will have for better drugs.

I just realized that if I don't start no shit, there won't be no shit.

This whole healthcare reform thing is nice and all, but how about reforming my bracket? #hcr #marchmadness

If I unfollow you its nothing personal, its just that your tweets are violently sucking.

Celebrity Apprentice: Bret Michaels just used the word "Discombooberated"

On 22-3-2010 02:54:22 from web

I hope this new health care bill also includes every American's right to a lollipop after leaving the doctor.

On 22-3-2010 03:24:17 from web

It did take Obama too long to pass Health Care Reform. Most other presidents managed to pass it in only NEVER.

Now that health care has passed, can we please get back to the urgent issue of shooting stuff down with lasers?

On 22-3-2010 03:35:48 from web

Wanna know a thing that has never been said? "Oh the abortion isn't covered? Nevermind, I'll just keep it."

im bout to go have surgery tomorrow for no reason. fuck it who gon tell me no?

On 22-3-2010 04:02:08 from web

whats the best hospital? im bout to go in that bitch and tell them I DONT FEEL RIGHT

On 22-3-2010 04:11:23 from web

@lizzwinstead did we win? What side are we on? Can I get a free nosejob?

On 22-3-2010 04:57:55 from mobile web in reply to Lizz Winstead

After hearing Boehner speak, I think we could pay for health care with a tax on lies.

On 22-3-2010 12:07:40 from web

A somber note: we finally passed health care reform, yet Justin Bieber is still a trending topic. #hcr

On 22-3-2010 14:05:36 from web

No matter what side of the debate you're on, looking at Nancy Pelosi makes us all want to puke.

On 22-3-2010 14:54:57 from web

Well last night C-Span launched a new reality show: The Real House Republicans of DC. #showingtheiruglycolors

I'm so glad health care passed, so now all you fuckers have to pay for my weed.

On 22-3-2010 15:43:35 from web

health care reform passes. now if we can just fix people.

On 22-3-2010 17:48:01 from web

atlanta weather is like a crazy babymama one minute she cool next minute she on that FUCK SHIT

On 22-3-2010 13:39:03 from web

When a parody is better than the original http://bit.ly/d1XJ3r #Advertising

my cousin just said when I go to Scotland this week, I should tell girls that I knew Tupac.

On 22-3-2010 15:14:55 from web

I'm psyched for jury duty tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he's guilty. Also, I hope I get to meet Sam Waterston.

On 22-3-2010 15:57:37 from web

Overheard @ Breakfast this AM) "She started cussin'! And I was like,How you gone cuss me and you built like a hot water heater?"

On 22-3-2010 15:57:53 from web

In political news... http://twitpic.com/1ahqwt

Eating yet another hardees thickburger. Getting a strong urge to do auto repair.

Just sent a boy I hardly know a text that reads, "I'm pregnant and its yours." Man that joke never gets old!

On 22-3-2010 22:44:24 from web

"Sexy is a state of mind." -- Fat chicks.

On 22-3-2010 23:02:23 from web

Your words always touch me. I just wish they'd go deeper and add another finger.

my catch phrases: "homey don't play that" (i made that one up) and "go get diarrhea." (made that up too.) those are both copyrighted.

On 23-3-2010 01:34:07 from web

Jas downloaded Mega Man 10 and has subsequently been filling our place with assorted curse words.

"One drunk can ruin a whole comedy show… especially when he's holding the mike"

A "Robber" just wants MONEY, a "Coward" just wants HEART, a "Lame" just wants 2 b COOL, & a "Hater" just wants 2 b ME/YOU.

I killed a seaturtle today that was probably going to shoot underwater footage of my weiner. What did you ever do? Not jackshit probably

On 23-3-2010 02:59:54 from web

Lady Gaga's birthday is Sunday. I sent her a box of Omaha Steaks thinking she could make an outfit out of them.

On 23-3-2010 03:59:27 from web

Your last words are usually way different than your first words. Unless lady gaga murders you. Then you're like "gaga?"

I wish you could auto-tune memories.

Doing my taxes today. Anyone have write-offs I can borrow?

Good thing it's called "Top Ramen" and not just "Ramen" otherwise I'd confuse it with those shitty noodles.

On 23-3-2010 14:54:12 from web

Wooo! @justinbieber's album drops today. and so do his balls.

On 23-3-2010 14:55:59 from web

It's so quiet in this Hollywood Starbucks this morning you can hear a name drop.

The NCAA Sweet 16 is just like MTV's Sweet 16. The kids who think it should be handed to them, whine when they don't get it.

On 23-3-2010 15:53:53 from web

Letterman nailed it last night: “Here’s more good news about the health care reform bill: It covers the Kansas Jayhawks choking.”

On 23-3-2010 18:19:09 from web

Whoever said, "a cat is the only creature that will sit on your lap and ignore you," has never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

On 23-3-2010 18:20:01 from web

Dear McDonalds, ur tv commercials r a true testament to age, gender & racial diversity, especially bc there r never any young white males.

On 23-3-2010 19:02:18 from web

Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop.

The old man at the next table is my hero. He's sipping coffee, reading the paper, and farting w/o shame. Awesome.

Ben Roethlisberger is like tiger woods if women said no to tiger woods and he didn't care

On 23-3-2010 20:05:22 from web

I just took a shit on a scale and I feel 4½ lbs. (2.04 kgs) lighter.

On 23-3-2010 20:07:13 from web

Waiting for the mechanic to call with an estimate which will in turn determine what I have for lunch. The options are something or nothing.

On 23-3-2010 20:07:46 from web

So hungover I listened to my voicemail and started talking back to my friend who left a message as if we were having a conversation.

"Popping your cherry" is more a female term 4 losing ones virginity. What can guys call it? How about bleeding white?

On 23-3-2010 22:08:19 from web

@danecook nutting your nugget.

On 23-3-2010 22:10:57 from web in reply to Dane Cook

New term options 4 a guy losing their virginity. Bleeding white. Melting the pearl. Firing a milky bullet into the pink nest.

On 23-3-2010 22:18:49 from web

I've just had a text conversation and an email conversation with the same person at the same time. I might Skype to get the hat-trick

On 23-3-2010 23:53:37 from web

My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there!

On 24-3-2010 00:13:00 from web

I've had a very full day of smoking pot & filling out my unemployment form. That's the way everyone makes $900, right?

On 24-3-2010 00:37:45 from web

Just asked my dry cleaner if he can get out DNA? He said, "if not we can make the whole shirt disappear." Wow. Gotta love Russians.

On 24-3-2010 01:09:35 from web

That wasn't a spa. RT @ParisHilton Had an amazing facial today at my favorite spa Kate Somerville. They are the best!

On 24-3-2010 01:30:54 from web

Hey Justin Bieber, #youlooklikethetype that would call "top" when it comes to bunk-beds, but not butt-sex.

On 24-3-2010 01:48:02 from web

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

My landlord wants cash. // RT @comedypace: I can live for two months on a good compliment.

marriage is, like, the buddy system for tax filing.

On 24-3-2010 02:32:53 from web

The transvestites along Santa Monica Blvd are so creative...I can appreciate that!! A for effort!! (A is also for Adams Apple)

Awesome! I just became Mayor of the bathroom in my house! #IDontGetFourSquare

On 24-3-2010 09:14:40 from web

My oldest daughter is now a teenager. I've prepared for this day by preemptively hating myself for the last 40 years.

On 24-3-2010 13:25:17 from web

Still depressed that S Club 7 broke up.

On 24-3-2010 14:40:08 from web

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck

"I dont know about you guys, but the iPad will revolutionize the way that I masturbate." -Steve Jobs

"You cannot deny the power of 3-D tits"

On 24-3-2010 20:50:34 from web

I wish more words ended in "ography." There'd be a bigger job market.

On 24-3-2010 21:38:33 from web

I like how UPS calls end with "Thank you for choosing UPS." I didn't choose you, my stupid shipper did. I have no choice in the matter.

White House Declares Biden Not Safe For Work

On 24-3-2010 21:57:14 from web

When I see tweets like these, I feel like I should just quit. #perfection // RT @serafinowicz: Having an orgy tonight. I hope people come.

On 24-3-2010 22:42:13 from web

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will clear my browsing history.

On 24-3-2010 22:54:07 from web

It's good luck if a bird shits on you, but it's magnificent luck if you're able to return the favor.

Dear white sales reps. theres no need to say "Thats how I roll shawty" to black customers. just Be yourself #turndownyourblackness

On 24-3-2010 23:41:25 from web

If you unexpectedly rhyme during a conversation, please let it go.

Finally watching the Big Lebowski... for the first time. Let the insults roll in.

4 u chics that have gotten chunky/comfy in ur relationships.. A good way 2 drop the lbs is to have a nigga breakup w/u

#SometimesIwonder "Do dead relatives watch you masturbate?" 'Cause my creepy uncle did when he was still alive.

I like when chicks say, "All you wanna do is get in my pants.." Cmon I'm a fat guy, I have enough problems getting into my own pants......

On 25-3-2010 05:10:01 from web

Dear Weds crowd, no one has ever heckled me "I'm going to stab you" so thank you for being a first. You sucked.

On 25-3-2010 07:14:29 from web

Writing a script for a movie where Will Smith is the last person to use AOL Instant Messenger. It's called IM Legend.

On 25-3-2010 17:21:08 from web

I'mma be deaf if I have to listen to the Black Eyed Peas ever again.

HILARIOUS banned Disney photos: http://afx.cc/mickey

On 25-3-2010 19:08:15 from web

"We will work together one day" in LA that means "there is no chance I'm doing shit with you ever". #LoveThePhony

If i could time travel & murder 1 person...it'd probly be the person who invented those ball sacks that people put on the back of trucks...

http://twitpic.com/1avdlj - This is down the street from where we're rehearsing. I guess nothing sells liquor like a maniacal circus clown.

@roywoodjr #BestBeefLines I'm about a dollar what the fuck is 50 cents. Jay-Z vs 50 cents

What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organised.

On 25-3-2010 20:48:11 from web

OMGDUVALFACT: a nigga will always justify why they snitched

On 26-3-2010 20:40:11 from web

I'm predicting the next big hip hop fashion accessory: Thimbles. Gold thimbles. Worn on two or three fingers per hand.

On 26-3-2010 20:45:40 from web

My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hauser", so now when I think something is funny I'm going to yell "hauser!"

On 26-3-2010 21:08:18 from web

Females need 2 remember that makeup was meant 2 enhance, not disguise. U get treated like a clown cuz u look like one. #lessISmore

On 26-3-2010 21:19:01 from web

I'm a Gummi-Bear racist...I only eat the red ones...they're the best...

Urban Outfitters: because thrift store clothes should cost more.

On 26-3-2010 21:34:18 from web

New sex move! "The Friendly Sanchez"- You're bangin' a chick & right when you're about to come, you lean in & whisper "I love you."

Dear creepy guy staring at me in long island railroad, your family hates you and now so do I. Love Amy

Those canoe shoes don't make your butt look great they're just so hideous it stops people from looking at your butt at all.

On 27-3-2010 01:27:52 from web

It's about time we changed the name of Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers' to Hannah Montanas and Ed Harris'.

"I see other people's jokes being told by other comics" *sixth sense voice*

Txted someone I was going to the Jigga show at Staples tonight. I think they thought I misspelled something mad racist. Woops.

Pyrotechnicians can make up to $65 dollars an hour...so maybe it would be smart to encourage your children to play with fire.

On 27-3-2010 04:19:04 from web

Fuck guys who can't wait to say "Good morning" as soon as the clock strikes midnight.

@chrisdelia they're the same twunts who say "See you next year!" on Dec. 31st.

if you write "chicken scratch" in chicken scratch, it probably looks like "chicken's crotch."

On 27-3-2010 12:49:10 from web

A baby's only thought for the first twelve months: "what the f*ck?!"

Colombia is introducing a new line of cocaine today.

On 27-3-2010 14:49:20 from web

Overheard in the bathroom stall at @CarolinaCup: "The economy has gone to hell when nobody is selling boiled peanuts."

Why all barbers think they dr. Phil?

Dog To Allow Child 3 More Yanks On Tail Before Putting An End To This http://onion.com/8XsARz

Fun new response to Q whose answer is obvious Yes: "Does the Pope wear a funny hat (while he covers up pesky boy rape stories?)"

Spring is here, it's beautiful outside and I should probably do something. Like close the blinds to stop the glare on my screen.

On 27-3-2010 17:21:09 from web

The Pope has really put the "been a dick" in Benedict lately.

Dear four year old next to me on the plane: fuck you.

Sayings that never caught on #36- An apple a day will prevent drive-by shootings and racism.

Posted up by the pool. Not moving for the rest of the day. To get me from this chair will take brute force, threat of violence, or lunch

HOOP GLOSSARY: Swish (Basket). Swoosh (Nike logo). Swish-swoosh, swish-swoosh (Bob Huggins walking in tracksuit).

On 28-3-2010 18:32:12 from web

Dear People In Los Angeles with Swimming Pools, Let's be friends! Love, April

Going to have brunch with an old girlfriend. Sort of like time traveling back to a land of pain and sadness. With a side of bacon!

On 28-3-2010 20:16:20 from web

I'm in the hood and they telling me bout all the killings that happened and they excited too

Oh shit, I have a boner. Time to stop twittering and get on Chatroulette

On 28-3-2010 21:07:30 from web

http://twitpic.com/1bmno6 - Best cups ever! :{ mustache!

The world is not round... The majority of it is pretty damn square.

why aren't all board games just called bored games... when else do you play them?

I will trade anyone my 3 Ja Rule CDs for whatever you have in left pocket right now. It could be a dead monkey. I don't care.

Here's a little secret! I sign every MEMO space on my checks with: 'Hiding Billy's Dead Dog.' I bet I make a banker's day EVERY DAY!!!

On 29-3-2010 07:34:36 from web

Got a forward telling me Michelle Obama is a Muslim. This ignores the Quran's strong "no-sleeveless-tank-dresses" policy.

On 29-3-2010 07:44:14 from web

NY State Sen. wants to ban saggy, loose-fitting pants. Yankees respond by trading CC Sabathia back to Brewers.

On 29-3-2010 09:36:35 from web

"Christian Scientists wear glasses so that they don't accidentally walk into a hospital." - Bob K.

On 29-3-2010 13:58:26 from web

i call my new profile pic "a family that shits together sticks together"

On 29-3-2010 15:16:46 from web

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

On 29-3-2010 16:00:32 from web

Birthdays are like penises because I only like mine.

On 29-3-2010 16:24:59 from web

Noticing a woman isn't wearing a bra is quite literally my favorite thing in this world. Better than a smile from a child.

I'm Monday morning quarterbacking my weekend right now ..could'a done some things better ..

On 29-3-2010 17:43:26 from web

U ever looked inside an empty fridge twice as if the grocery fairy put sum shit in there? #random

sometimes i think about tweeting and then i don't tweet. i live.

LIVIN' LA VIDA NO-DUH! "I'm gay!" Says Ricky Martin #NYPostHeadlines

why do they call "boy shorts" boy shorts? what str8 boy wheres those shorts?

On 30-3-2010 02:34:05 from web

Kate Gosselin is as good at dancing as she is at parenting.

On 30-3-2010 02:55:55 from web

Nothing makes me happier than to see a really pretty girl crying and saying "it's not FAIR!" (via @ScottAukerman)

On 30-3-2010 02:59:16 from web

got a case of the mondays. think i picked them up on spring break in cabo. lot of itching

On 30-3-2010 03:38:16 from web

If you eliminate alcohol, erectile dysfunction usually disappears… along with most of your partners.

In the news: Ricky Martin admits to being gay. Also in the news: Water is wet.

Where is this new nightclub Seder? Sounds like everyone is there tonight!

The only thing gay guys like more than not having to stand in line is having to stand in line and complain about it.

On 30-3-2010 04:41:10 from web

My newest ad and billboard http://tweetphoto.com/16385426

I think parents don't have the "this email isn't funny, so I shouldn't forward it" gene.

American Voices: California To Legalize Marijuana? http://onion.com/dl1aQM

Nets win 10th game, avoid worst record. Few more wins & we'll have to go back to making fun of Knicks for sucking again

On 30-3-2010 13:47:55 from web

HuffPo's new slogan: "The Huffington Post: When You Want To Know What The Bassist From Spinal Tap Thinks Of Obama's Afghanistan Trip"

Old School Ads that are,well... they're um, interesting... http://bit.ly/bIxL4t #Advertising

My parents always told me. "You can be anything you want to be." Now they look at me like, "THIS is what you chose?"

On 30-3-2010 14:50:59 from web

"My sweatpants with the hole in them have been banned from the strip club"

On 30-3-2010 15:24:39 from web

I remember the good old days when Power Point was a gesture you did with your finger when yelling at somebody ..

On 30-3-2010 17:39:21 from web

Non-Dogmatic Vodka. For those occasions when you’re not Absolut.

On 30-3-2010 18:03:00 from web

So this Tanning Salon Tax is basically the government's way of letting those Jersey Shore kids cover the deficit? I like it.

On 30-3-2010 18:07:08 from web

Sometimes I put women up on a pedestal, but that's only 'cause the floor is lava.

On 30-3-2010 18:23:38 from web

Church sets up abuse hotline: "If you've been molested by a priest, press 1. If you'd like to be molested, press 2."

I shit you not. Someone has a mixtape called "Trap to the Future." http://bit.ly/7F5L0g

On 30-3-2010 20:08:21 from web

Passover is just something us Catholics do to the 10 Commandments.

On 30-3-2010 20:32:56 from web

So I either gotta announce I'm gay, be a Canadian pop/R&B singer or remake Rosemary's Baby to be a trending topic? I think I'll just OD.....

On 30-3-2010 20:33:10 from web

Hey Vatican! You're pretty much leaving me no choice but to start raping priests.

On 30-3-2010 20:43:00 from web

Facebook is now just a place I stop by to see if I can find pictures of women from Twitter in bikinis.

On 30-3-2010 22:13:41 from web

No. I do not want to share a spoonful of humus with five people. #fucktapas

#youmightwannastop pushing out farts. You may get more than you bargained for.

On 30-3-2010 23:41:13 from web

At the bank. Handed teller a note w/ a limp penis drawn on it. Turned around and left.

On 31-3-2010 00:00:23 from web

(803): you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.

On 31-3-2010 00:10:39 from web

#YouEverNotice that a breast milk pump doesn't double as a penis enlarger... Trust me

If Tiger wants to win back his fan base, at The Masters he should tee off with his cock.

On 31-3-2010 01:27:05 from web

#AmericaIsFunny. You won't allow prayer in schools, but will hold a rally to support same sex proms.

On 31-3-2010 02:22:08 from web

I've always been a fan of K-Swiss but after seeing this TV ad even more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yWj3qAxasw&feature=related

On 31-3-2010 02:51:36 from web

If you're a registered sex offender, that's bad. If you're a Jehovah's Witness, that's even worse. If you're both, that's pretty convenient.

On 31-3-2010 03:51:29 from web

My mom told me it's time to finally save up and get a security blanket. I want to but I can't. I can barely afford a Snuggie & some mace.

Addicentally posting a direct message to your Twitter feed is the new food in your teeth.

KFC is called KFC for a reason. They no longer call it Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's offensive to real CHICKENS.

On 31-3-2010 05:16:59 from web

Dear United Airlines Flight attendant, why were you so rude to me? You're built like a Super Nintendo. #supermariokartbody

On 31-3-2010 12:00:59 from web

[P] BTW, Good morning and welcome to our ~2500 new followers (mostly #RSA). As you have seen, each morning starts with a dick joke.

On 31-3-2010 12:58:56 from web

I realize I misspelled a word in my last Tweet. On that note I'm about to eat a Famous Anus cookie.

When people use the term "too much information" it makes me want to punch them in the face and not tell them why.

On 31-3-2010 14:52:58 from web

Nobody cares if your shitty puns were intended or not.

Imagine communication if the satellites fail."My cell phone's not working!""Mine neither!""Have we met?""No, I'm your neighbor."Scary! 8^•

On 31-3-2010 15:48:57 from web

Life is like a burger. u have family (meat), friends (lettuce), relationships (onions). But it's never as good when u have no money (cheese)

I'm so fat, I had to sign up for "chunky" salsa dance classes.

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/ha-ha-april-fools-twitter/feed/ 1 St Patrick’s Day-Oscars & March Funny Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/st-patricks-day-oscars-funny-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/st-patricks-day-oscars-funny-twitter/#comments Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:07:51 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=778

 

Twitter is a great tool to find out what people are talking about.  There are a few places on the web (other than Twitter) where you can go and check out trending topics/conversations happening on Twitter.  March is half over and we have got some very funny and clever tweets to share in between the 2 major events this month which have been the Oscars and St Patrick's Day.  Thanks for Re-living your March with Funny-Tweets.com!

 

The month started out with the Oscars

 

Funny Twitter Oscars Picture

 

Then moved on over to some badass Tweets about Chuck Norris

 

Funny Twitter Chuck Norris Tweets

 

And here we are… the day after St Patrick's Day

(St Patrick's Day Tweets are at the bottom of the post).

The picture from the Homepage is of course from this Youtube video which I am sure many of you have seen (+13 Million Views).  But in case you haven't, please enjoy!

 


I want to thank all the visitors to Funny-Tweets as we have been steadily growing and growing each month! 

 

Holla @YourFunnyTweets and Follow or Send Us Your Funny Tweets

Jets Cornerback Antonio Cromartie has 7 KIDS by 6 women in 5 states. He has had 5 Interceptions in the past 2 years...Sean Kemp is his idol

On 9-3-2010 14:01:47 from web

 

Here are The Funny Tweets Which Are in Chronological Order

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The Academy was forced to hire all these dancers as part of Obama's jobs bill. #oscars

On 8-3-2010 03:50:56 from web

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck

Watching Oscars- I see, they added dancing so we could all come together as one and hate the Oscars #oscars

On 8-3-2010 03:54:15 from web

[P] Ladies and gentlemen: Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper. Which one are we more sick of already?

On 8-3-2010 03:54:36 from web

300 - 300 = the number of good movies Gerard Butler has been in since 300. #funwithmath

On 8-3-2010 03:56:39 from web

What are you constantly smirking about, Gerard Butler?

On 8-3-2010 04:00:37 from web

The first draft of Matt Damon's speech was, "Documentaries are like Hollywood movies with ugly people." #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:02:55 from web

Matt Damon is like the sensitive jock — he's got muscles & is on the football team but still wants to go to plays with you. I'd tap it.

On 8-3-2010 04:04:41 from web

The guy who made THE COVE just hi-fived Woody Harrelson on the way to the stage? Somewhere a dolphin is killing himself in embarrassment

Look, it's Tyler Perry's nothing.

[P] RT @JamesUrbaniak Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry!

On 8-3-2010 04:07:26 from web

Tyler Perry + Snuggie joke = me changing the channel. Sorry, Oscars. You've outworsted yourselves.

Why doesn't Tyler Perry come out of the closet already? If his movies haven't made black people stop watching his movies, nothing will.

On 8-3-2010 04:11:21 from web

[P] Baldwin keeps patting his left hip pocket. No worries, Alec: the flask is still there.

On 8-3-2010 04:15:54 from web

Fuck foreign films. If I wanted to read, I'd fucking stay home and read. #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:16:48 from web

'Avatar' is like food @ Cheesecake Factory. Something really mediocre presented so wonderfully you forget its mediocre.

On 8-3-2010 04:23:11 from web

All Irish people are from 1998.

#Oscars Shout out to Morgan Freeman's teeth for keeping it real. #bracescantholdmedown

On 8-3-2010 04:31:28 from web

"My dad sat me on his bed and taught me all the basics" Jeff Bridges #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:34:22 from web

The Oscars abide.

I wouldn't be surprised if Bridges started talking about his 11 herbs and spices... #oscars

how stoned do you think jeff bridges is? he's awesome!

On 8-3-2010 04:35:06 from web

Jeff Bridges is channeling the ghost of Colonel Sanders.

Jeff Bridges always thanks his stand-in but he never thanks God. Oh, white people! #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:36:35 from web

82nd Academy Awards - This has been going on so long, it's now the 83rd Academy Awards....

On 8-3-2010 04:37:46 from web

Is Forest Whitaker playing the movie version of "Urkel"?

If I'd wanted to watch four hours of something this boring I would have gone to see Avatar.

On 8-3-2010 04:42:23 from web

Oh, great! Oprah's going to talk.

Happy for Jeff Bridges. But This Oscars show is so long he grew that goatee during the broadcast.

Meryl Streep has more Oscar losses than Jim Kelly has Super Bowl losses. What a loser!

I'm sure what Sean Penn just said made sense to someone, somewhere. #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:48:17 from web

Sean Penn's portrayal of "Sean Penn" is the worst work of his career.

RT @Apey RT @agoodthinglost: Seeing Sandra Bullock is reminding me that she totally had hairy knuckles in "The Net."

On 8-3-2010 04:52:39 from web

"On loan from the Smithsonian! Ms. Barbra Streisand!"

Kathryn Bigelow says she got the title "The Hurt Locker" from her marriage to James Cameron #oscars

On 8-3-2010 04:56:37 from web

Take that James Cameron! hope Katheryn Bigelow yells, I"m the queen of the world!"

James Cameron is going into his own hurt locker right now.

Well, we did it. I wrote a bunch a nonsense, and so did you. Happy Show Business, everyone. Good night.

Like Mo'nique Ive decided to add an apostrophe to my name. Sincerely, Ra'inn.

One of my favorite movie dialects is "Hollywood Southern"

On 8-3-2010 06:00:23 from web

LOL crashes car while shaving vag is a trending topic. dats a #twituation

On 8-3-2010 06:55:53 from web

Bigelow might have won for best picture but Cameron won for best ex-wife.

The old man who ran the funeral home in 'Tale's From Da Hood' #shouldvewonanoscar

On 8-3-2010 07:25:34 from web

Wesley Snipes hightop fade in 'New Jack City' #shouldvewonanoscar

On 8-3-2010 10:38:31 from web

It's Monday. Lower the bar.

It ain't a coincidence that these white people r granting me TOP NOTCH service after I threatened 2 contact the BBB.. Works everytime

I have a bunch of pussy magnets stuck to my refrigerator. Turns out I've been using them wrong.

On 8-3-2010 17:34:57 from web

New Video: Raaaaaaaandy Declares War on @justinbieber. Watch and RT please: http://bit.ly/diy6pp #BieberStoleFromRandy

On 8-3-2010 18:04:20 from web

For the rest of the day I will be live tweeting my battle with diarrhea.

On 8-3-2010 18:29:48 from web

if you make fun of gays more than once a day you're probably gay.

I'm in Halifax tonight. Always enjoy a Monday night show. I mean, who goes out on a Monday? Fun people, that's who.

I just heard a man making noises in a restroom that made me want to euthanize him.

I am so fucking sick of cable news hosts asking, "How do we stop the incivility? Gee I dunno, how about QUIT REWARDING THEM WITH AIR TIME?!

Weezy has more street cred. now he got busted for havin a gun. But not really 'cause it's not that gangster to have a gun on your TOUR BUS.

On 8-3-2010 21:16:25 from web

Men who think it's funny to dress up like women as a joke to make people laugh are not funny. That is science.

On 8-3-2010 21:24:13 from web

#BigBen Roethlisberger is using the Toyota defense: He knew there was trouble ahead, but he just couldn't stop...

On 8-3-2010 21:48:28 from web

yesterday, i drove away from a gas station with the pump still in my car. today, i'm going to try and not do that.

On 8-3-2010 21:54:18 from web

silly smoke detector, that's not a fire, it's just me cooking.

On 8-3-2010 22:46:28 from web

A surgeon who specialises in gender reversal just told me I'd make a good woman and gave me his card, like it was a haircut.

On 9-3-2010 00:19:14 from web

"I just think it's bullshit how they don't have any vampire coffee. Let's leave." http://tweetphoto.com/13746085

I'm gonna freeze my eggs & have a surrogate have my baby & then have a surrogate raise my baby. #whitepeople

i'm listening to animal collective on vinyl. do i get my hipster badge now?

In a cab on my way to the #ecnyawards. Furiously writing my acceptance speech (masturbating) in the backseat.

I'm totally going to wear a fedora tomorrow. (Things I Think While Drinking Alone)

On 9-3-2010 03:27:39 from web

Just got a cell phone bill that included some roaming charges from Dubai. It would have been cheaper to fly to Rome and use a pay phone.

On 9-3-2010 03:30:06 from web

i got a question 4 niggaz that wear tight jeans. is if u see gay people wearing them why would u wanna wear the same thing?

On 9-3-2010 03:59:15 from web

Jogging at night when "Iron Man" comes on the iPod instantly turns it into a jog where you might have to fend off demons.