Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets of January http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 198 Funny January Twitter Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/198-funny-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/198-funny-twitter/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:12:23 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=679

What happened in this first month of the Decade?? Well according to the Tweets below a sports guy took a dump in someone's shoes,  The Golden Globes & The Grammy's were made fun of (See the Taylor Swift String Below), Conan Lost His Job

The State of The Union was determined F'd and The Sensation that is Pants on The Ground was released. 

 

This is all you need to know about what happened in January 2010. To continue to make fun of this great time in our lives please comment below and….

Don't Forget to Follow Me

 

I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit

On 8-1-2010 16:24:10 from web

 

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

 

My friend Timmy is an Eagle Scout and asked me to burn him a CD for when he's in nature... He's going to go so nuts for my Trail Mix!

episodes of 'hoarders' are piling up on my DVR. i want to save them; not delete them! what's wrong wi- oh, no. oh god, it's happening.

On 12-1-2010 05:34:57 from web

I need to go back to the gym. My jeans look like leggings.

The Bachelor proves once again that hot people like to fuck each other!!

Do scientists only conduct sex surveys so Jay Leno has material for his monologue?

"You can't fuck your way to the top with handjobs." - Hollywood Proverb

On 12-1-2010 07:53:59 from web

Who says white people can't play reggae? http://bit.ly/8LsDrG

When the show starts with a sports story about a guy taking a dump in another guy's shoes, you know it's gonna be a good day.

On 12-1-2010 11:54:51 from web

Actual question once asked in my biology class "When did all the unicorns go extinct?".....(college biology might I add)

On 12-1-2010 12:51:35 from web

104 year old man killed by a minivan in Brooklyn. The driver said that she did have the right of way, and that she's going to hell.

On 12-1-2010 16:27:13 from web

Sincerity is the new sarcasm.

There's nothing more satisfying than making someone you don't know roll their eyes.

On 12-1-2010 17:56:38 from web

defending traditional marriage is gay.

Here's the gayest thing you can say to your friend. "Yo bro, why don't you ever poke me on facebook?"

my funds are "insufficient" and my twitter is "over capacity". I can't get anything right today!!

On 14-1-2010 05:34:58 from web

I feel bad when I have spelling errors on Twitter. Am I really so lazy that I can't proofread 140 characters? Yeah.

On 14-1-2010 05:15:24 from web

Hey strip club bouncer, why don't you pick on somebody who has their pants on?!?

On 14-1-2010 07:10:41 from web

At The Comedy Store. The Sham-wow guy is in the audience. He just said to his friend "There are rules, then there are MY rules." Sham-WOW.

Top of the morning to you all, another beautiful day,today will be a day for tattoos all day long, OH S.H.I.T= OH SO HAPPY ITS THURSDAY

On 14-1-2010 14:21:50 from web

Chelsea Lately tonight. And "the situtation" is the guest, so. Oh and Snookie too so maybe she'll get punched again.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Pants on the ground... http://bit.ly/7KENlR

Opinion: If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know (by Mark Gimbel) http://bit.ly/8psjXB

MAGIC BULLET. Holy shit, I'm never going to be social again. Amazing. Why didn't you people tell me it's also a coffee grinder?? I'm SET.

On 16-1-2010 08:22:51 from web

Remember, Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!!! Don't go to work (unless your boss is a racist)!

On 16-1-2010 09:34:58 from web

I think CNN's Situation Room would be a better show if it starred The Situation. #jerseyshore

On 16-1-2010 13:22:41 from web

Sports: Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads' http://onion.com/6t3vpU

Can't decide whether to get mad hyphy, bust some krunk or just stay in bed all day and read the Times and sip coco.

On 16-1-2010 15:44:01 from web

Skyline Comedy Club and I are hooking up TWICE tonight. I want you to watch.

On 16-1-2010 16:48:09 from web

Dear Assholes Who Complain I Am Tweeting Too Much After I Warned You That I Would Be Tweeting A Lot, Shut your dicks. Love, Fuck you.

On 18-1-2010 02:37:26 from web

The Golden Globes suck so much, they should be on NBC. Oh wait, they are.

On 18-1-2010 02:37:41 from web

When the guy who loves Windows 7 called his mom to tell her about it, I picked up because I was banging her and filming it on my macbook.

On 18-1-2010 02:45:22 from web

"I like drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson." -Ricky Gervais #goldenglobes

On 18-1-2010 03:15:15 from web

Hilarious that Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent has NEVER improved. #goldenglobes

On 18-1-2010 03:34:58 from web

Conan O'Brien is the type of guy who'd bid $400 on The Price is Right....Jay Leno is the type who'd bid $401.

OH If your tits get in the way of your armpits, you have a problem.

Waitress: u know u look just like the guy from that show, Dwight Shoot. Me: Wow. Thank You. He's very handsome!

Happy MLK Day. I would take off from work but I'd have to get a job first and that goes against my whole 'I have a dream' concept.

On 18-1-2010 14:28:13 from web

I'm sure you've seen this, but if not... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9o5_W6hn9k

On 18-1-2010 23:42:36 from web

Mariah Carey didn't seem drunk at the Golden Globes last night, but her boobs did.

On 18-1-2010 23:53:46 from web

I just realized I was born on a Sunday..God's day of rest..I can definitely tell he was on break that day..

On 19-1-2010 00:24:47 from web

A picture's worth a 1000 words. In a good Economy. Right now, a pics worth about 250.

On 19-1-2010 00:54:12 from web

These tweets are made on equipment that also makes products containing peanuts.

On 19-1-2010 01:42:53 from web

The Tiger Woods story has really opened my eyes. I thought guys play golf because they AREN'T getting laid.

On 19-1-2010 02:11:49 from web

have you noticed a lot of guys think they're george clooney in "up in the air" when actually they're paul giamatti in "sideways?"

Who looks more like an overweight, down-on-his-luck car salesman: Rex Ryan or Stan Van Gundy?

Somebody just told me they're a Gemini. I don't give a fuck.

On 19-1-2010 05:44:43 from web

I just payed a cab driver $10 not to beat two dudes with a tire iron because they didn't have cab fare. #fact #trueshit #newyorkmoment

On 19-1-2010 06:26:52 from web

Zombies always walk towards you slowly with that "Ok, who farted?" look in their eyes.

On 19-1-2010 06:47:51 from web

John Travolta's hair was swallowed by his skull which shit it out at his chin. -w

"The Hangover" is basically just "Saving Private Ryan" in Vegas.

In one year, we've gone from "Yes We Can" to "Pants On The Ground."

Realized last night I say "boom" far more than one should. Incase you are wondering you should only say it never.

On 19-1-2010 14:37:34 from web

OCNN-how cool would it be to have a NBA vs NFL game, we play them in there sport and they play us in ours (flag football)-i'd dunk on Lebron

@bobandtom "her chinchilla got loose" would make a great euphemism. "We had a couple drinks went my room then her chinchilla got loose"

On 19-1-2010 14:42:52 from web in reply to Bob and Tom

I protect myself against identity theft by tearing my mail in half and emptying leftover chinese food or coffee grounds over it.

On 19-1-2010 15:22:58 from web

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."

On 19-1-2010 18:14:51 from web

Using karate chops to compartmentalize my life.

On 19-1-2010 23:18:24 from web

A REAL headline I wish I had written: John Edwards Now Most Unpopular Figure Anywhere, Anytime: Pollster

On 19-1-2010 23:26:40 from web

Are those things on Morgan Freeman's face stolen pieces of Seal's face?

Have u ever run out of toilet paper & tried wiping yourself with the empty cardboard tube? I just tried 4 u. Doesn't fly right.

On 20-1-2010 00:17:40 from web

It's so weird that I can beat up ANY 6 year old alive.

On 20-1-2010 00:56:59 from web

No it was just getting fun, I'm waiting on the haters to start hating :( don't stop its flirting with no intention

Have you ever shit for so long your feet fall asleep? I'm afraid to stand up.

The camera man ain't here yet. Why black folks gotta keep the stereotype going? Why?! Mayb I can get the ontime white guy 2do it.

The founder of Taco Bell died. Hope this won't affect the quality of the food.

Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I'm still not sure if I would want to hang out with me.

On 20-1-2010 02:31:56 from web

Massachusetts? More like ASS-a-POO-SHITS.

RT @RedHourBen: Welcome @billgates to the Twitter. Let me know if u would like any tech tips, how it works, what makes a computer run, etc.

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time http://is.gd/6DycH

As a pot smoker, it's difficult to date a stripper because I can't remember both of her names.

You can not escape your past. So why not continue to hang out & have sex with it until a hotter future comes along.

On 21-1-2010 00:52:57 from web

it's a year to the day since president obama took office. if he had half the class of sarah palin, he'd resign right now.

On 21-1-2010 03:34:03 from web

Hey I'm flippin' bricks. Just kidding I'm just hangin' at a coffee shop. What's up guys?

On 21-1-2010 04:19:23 from web

Leno monologue tonight: "Letterman has been hammering me every night. You know the best way to get Letterman to ignore you? Marry him."

Is it prejudice that I would absolutely never hang out with someone who was wearing sunglasses at night? Because I wouldn't. Ever.

Why do most of Tiger's girlfriends have that slutty, glittery, faux diamond, stripper jewel on their cheek? Oh, nevermind.

When a boss of mine asks me to jump, I say "How high...do you want me to be when I jump?"

It is sad that in 18 minutes I will turn off Kobe vs LeBron in favor of the Jersey Shore finale? #disappointedinmyself

On 22-1-2010 02:43:27 from web

UPS new motto: Yea, really. I am gonna park in the middle of the fucking street.

On 22-1-2010 04:03:09 from web

Every time someone on Jersey Shore wears a shirt with silkscreened wings on it, an angel gets their wings amputated.

If I was a rapper my freestyles would be crazy- if by crazy you mean tame and not that clever. My rap name would be Lay-Z.

On 23-1-2010 08:55:59 from web

The quietest swear word? Shhhhhhit.

When I see Heidi Fleiss on Celebrity Rehab, I immediately say, "I've been that hung over". #celebrityrehab

On 23-1-2010 16:04:01 from web

If u dont have a personal wizard, u aint balln 2 me. Yeah u got money and cars, but can u make a unicorn run thru the hood? Then shut fk up.

On 23-1-2010 17:09:38 from web

I feel like if an accused serial killer claimed they just watched one too many Olive Garden commercials, I'd totally understand.

On 23-1-2010 19:57:24 from web

What doesn't kill me makes me injured and afraid.

NY Times headline, via Duh Magazine: Does Corporate Money Lead to Political Corruption?

On 23-1-2010 21:11:49 from web

I'm a little stunned at The Black Eyed Peas success. My lumps? Let's get retarded? Boom boom pow? All of these songs have a credited writer.

On 23-1-2010 21:56:03 from web

Ladies. The cutoff for a Valentine's Gift is the NFC Championship game. Meet someone after sunday, they dont owe you a gift

On 23-1-2010 22:08:46 from web

In San Francisco really excited to see Uncle Jesse's Band, Jessie and The Rippers play. Anyone have any info about shows?

On 23-1-2010 22:24:22 from web

Is Prop 8 the one that allows people to do each other up the butt?

What happens in Atlantic City pretends it happened in Vegas.

just fyi melting cheddar on a plate and eating it doesn't make u happy.

It seems like all U need to be a professional 'movie reviewer' at Sundance is to have a laptop and a web page with a readership of 12.

A pot cookie and an iPod turns a boring trip through the airport into a fascinating adventure

I think I would like Miami better if I used hair gel and coke.

On 24-1-2010 15:32:27 from web

You can look like an asshole sometimes without even trying.

On 24-1-2010 17:25:41 from web

Just arrived at Sundance with my new independent movie. Its so independent, I haven't shot it or written it yet.

The most appropriate cartoon for the day http://j.mp/4E4FEE

On 24-1-2010 19:38:21 from web

Just saw Gwen Stefani and fam at the Farmer's Market. Then I bought some bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Don't be jealous of my day at Six Flags. I'm sure if you try hard enough, you can turn your day into an emotional rollercoaster.

Bin Laden is like a movie executive - no matter how little he was involved, he claims credit.

Open letter to German men: What the fuck are you wearing?

As if Park City, Utah wasn't white enough, there is a German restaurant called "Adolph's" here. Seig heilicious!

Lady Gaga is just Christina Aguliara if she had read some Andy Warhol quotes.

On 24-1-2010 23:06:06 from web

I was watching the public access channel for an hour before I realized it was MTV.

is it just me, or is Peyton Manning's head shaped like an exclamation point? Saints by 10.

On 25-1-2010 05:54:25 from web

I'm so gangsta, I even sleep tight.

On 25-1-2010 07:35:11 from web

If I worked in a store, everyday of my life I'd tell customers: "Wait'll you see what I have IN STORE for you!" Also, I'd cut myself a lot.

On 25-1-2010 07:44:38 from web

[P] Daughter getting braces today, going to first dance on Thursday. "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon..."

It's a bad sign that we are 13 days from the Super Bowl and CBS has already started its pregame coverage...

On 25-1-2010 16:06:58 from web

Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong http://onion.com/6QjnVU

Last week P.Diddy bought his son a $350,000 car & donated $10,000 to Haiti. I really think he should buy the Haitians one of those cars too.

Least appealing verb: "squirt."

On 25-1-2010 19:12:41 from web

I was once so poor I was literally living ass-to-mouth

On 25-1-2010 19:34:27 from web

television is weirdos judging weirdos viewed by weirdos who are just glad there are weirder weirdos out there. like me DAMN IT! %^(

On 25-1-2010 19:41:54 from web

Has an actor ever been thrown off stage for causing a scene?

The 8 most ominous words in the English language: "From the studio that brought you The Proposal"

For me, sarcasm is like a condom. It can protect you for a little while, but if you keep it on for too long, things get nasty. #fb

On 25-1-2010 20:11:50 from web

Did you ever eat so much for lunch that you sort of hated yourself? Well, I sort of hate myself.

On 25-1-2010 20:51:09 from web

Walmart Scary Clown Commercial :: http://su.pr/1wURtz #humor #funny

One day I'd like to jump out of a birthday cake and throw an axe at my arch enemy. Is that too much to ask?

On 26-1-2010 01:15:13 from web

Some of the best moments from the Conan O'Brien Show: http://bit.ly/6Oktgc

On 26-1-2010 01:32:13 from web

Dear Myself: watching a movie called The Pregnancy Pact on Lifetime makes you kind of a loser. Love, You.

obama got jury duty in illinois? guess we can add "changing address with dmv" to list of things he hasn't gotten done this year

On 26-1-2010 04:34:02 from web

still wrapping my head around the fact that soda is sweetened with corn, and not candy corn

On 26-1-2010 04:40:05 from web

Girl on facebook: "What you up to?" Me: "Just eating some cereal" Her: "How can you eat cereal at night?" Me:"Um...because I'm an adult."

Long story short, those people with the massage chairs at the mall don't give happy endings.

The most insecure thing to say to your girl in an argument: "you need me!"

I have a physical today. Some stranger is going to touch my privates. And put something inside of me. And handle my urine. For free.

On 26-1-2010 22:45:59 from web

The new Apple tablet is rumored to be powered by the hype surrounding it. -w

Duct tape to women is what Spanx are to men: we don’t know what it does,we think it’s ugly,and don't get why it’s impossible to get off.

If I was a Lawyer my 1st question would be "Is Back to the Future awesome?"; If he said "No", I'd know he's an idiot, and probably guilty...

It's funny when you go out and don't drink and everyone around you slowly gets drunker. Especially when you're high.

Two hard truths for girls of a certain ilk: 1. Quirky don't equal cute. 2. Your blog sucks.

On 27-1-2010 03:11:13 from web

Person: " You have your logo on your shoes, gloves, & hoodie?...didn't you know wearing you own stuff is stupid?" Me: "Tell that to Batman."

I watch these guys in revenge movies kill everfuckingbody.Closest I get to revenge is farting near someone.

On 27-1-2010 04:37:45 from web

Obamas relationship w/ the GOP is like a friend who is dating a total asshole an expects you to listen to his problems. #justbreakupalready

When @OGOchoCinco hit our Pro Bowl set today on NFLN, an instant classic ensued. A must watch, if you please: http://tinyurl.com/ygrjjwf

On 27-1-2010 20:48:12 from web

18 degrees in Chicago. Everyone's face is so frozen I feel like I'm in LA.

is quietly hoping that Obama comes out to "All Da Way Turned Up". I love ignant southern hip-hop.

On 28-1-2010 02:05:04 from web

Countdown To #SOTU: [video] Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans http://onion.com/cVw7W6

On 27-1-2010 23:32:32 from web

if our union is "strong" god help me if i ever see it "weak"

The state of the union address should be called the sugar coated BS address or just the blowing smoke up your ass address.

On 28-1-2010 02:21:26 from web

More people would watch the State of the Union Address if President Obama introduced a new gadget at the end. Just saying.

BET is airing the State of the Union Address. This is probably the first time it's ever happened. That's sad, yo.

On 28-1-2010 02:36:25 from web

Doesn't matter who's President, these speeches are always the same: BORING GROWN-UP TALK. I wanna hear about video games! And candy!

When is the President announcing the iPad? Shouldn't something of more importance than healthcare and unemployment be done by him? #SOTU

Did Obama just say "Hey Republicans, suck my big, Democratic cock" or is that just what I heard #SOTU

President Obama is saving the best for last: his new SOTU bill comes w/ an optional $30 unlimited data plan.

On 28-1-2010 03:08:28 from web

"right after this commercial break, we'll analyze the analysis of the analysis. Then it's off to the political round table"

On 28-1-2010 03:26:43 from web

As my 9 year old said about Obama tonight "It's easier to talk than to do" But she also wants to eat cupcakes in the pool.

On 28-1-2010 04:01:50 from web

I was thinking it'd be right for all the guys on Jersey Shore to have "Craftsman" tattooed on them, but that only applies to quality tools.

On 28-1-2010 04:10:21 from web

Sometimes, if it's dark enough, an Elmer's glue stick will look like a Chapstick....but my lips are sealed on this issue.

On 28-1-2010 21:49:48 from web

Aren't people who are anti-haters kind of haters themselves?

On 28-1-2010 22:00:26 from web

Apparently I have an inability to not reference drugs and drug-related stories when dining with a friend and her DEA lawyer brother.

On 28-1-2010 22:07:50 from web

i was kidding when tmz asked me my favorite dinner was and i said spaghetti and 8 balls. just so evryone knows. it just sounded funny to me

On 28-1-2010 22:40:44 from web

Well its only 9:15 and I already told a stranger "I will fuck you up"

Libraries are like Blockbuster Video Stores for Nerds - e.e. cummings

On 30-1-2010 20:05:50 from web

Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" warning on it? It just looked so effin' delicious.

On 30-1-2010 22:25:19 from web

I've been awake for 5 hours and have yet to say a word out loud.

On 30-1-2010 22:44:13 from web

Damn NY is cold. Its like Jay Leno stealing the Tonight Show from Conan cold!

On 30-1-2010 23:04:48 from web

Favorite comment of the last day. RT @calijf: U STUIPID And gay

On 31-1-2010 01:09:48 from web

Linking your location to your tweets is kinda like saying, "Hey come rape me real quick."

On 31-1-2010 01:11:51 from web

i want to be the type of girl people like so much, they write about it on bathroom walls.

On 31-1-2010 01:51:19 from web

I think I have a brain tumor, but it's probably all in my head.

Let me tell you the long and the short of it. Better yet just look at my penis.

Collars are not shirt spoilers. Put them down kiddies ;)

when i was growing up i thought secondhand smoke was just when my mom had the next cigarette she was gonna smoke, ready in her second hand.

On 31-1-2010 10:38:57 from web

Just typed "John Edwards/Rielle Hunter sex tape" into Netflix and got "You might also like LIAR, LIAR"

On 31-1-2010 19:06:09 from web

The maintenance guy at the airport just told me he'd rather look at girls' poop than guys' poop. No more small talk today.

How to save the Pro Bowl #14- Give Ed Hochuli what he wants- let him ref greased up in tank top to show off his Situation

On 31-1-2010 22:20:24 from web

how do I verify my account? tweet my social security number, right?

On 31-1-2010 22:30:40 from web

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.

Do you believe you can rap???? RT @iamdiddy: Do you believe you can fly????

Stepped in shit &in a pure dick move threw my sneaks out the car window. Now realize only pair of orthotics were in them. #servesmeright

If you've had sex to Van Halen, you're not black.

Apparently the music industry is honoring people tonight. I didn't realize there still was a music industry.

On 1-2-2010 00:48:38 from web

"You've double parked your whole life taking spaces from others. Now see what its like to park your car BLINDFOLDED. Live or die." #sawXXVII

The Black Eyed Peas look like the worst group of superheroes ever formed #Grammys

Sneezing is like wet Tourette's.

Reality check: TAYLOR SWIFT IS TOTALLY OFF-KEY!!!!! #grammys

On 1-2-2010 02:48:39 from web

I think Taylor Swift is singing with my Aunt. #grammys

God Hoping Taylor Swift Does Not Thank Him #offkeysinging #grammys

On 1-2-2010 02:49:20 from web

Taylor Swift and my Aunt Shirley are incredibly off-key. #grammys

Kanye, where are you when we need you? #stoptaylorswift #grammys

On 1-2-2010 02:51:55 from web

Oh! Ryan Seacerst just said "I know about grills T pain I know about grills." I mean no you don't!!

Is anyone able to volunteer to do a meals on wheels tonight? It's for me

On 1-2-2010 03:20:40 from web

Lil Wayne, your pants on the ground. #grammys

"Your honor, they put on a Black Eyed Peas CD, turned it up & locked the doors! My client had no other choice." (Acceptable murder defense.)

On 1-2-2010 05:00:17 from web

Here's what I love about the Grammys: Absolutely nothing.

On 1-2-2010 05:01:39 from web

The Black Eyed Peas look and sound like a cheering section at a Japanese baseball game.

On 1-2-2010 05:47:00 from web

just saw a book at border's called "chicken soup for the american idol soul." we're all going to hell.

Grammies? Is that how much coke you need to stay awake through em? LooOOOOOOoooong! X

On 1-2-2010 06:23:26 from web

Seems like if you're good at gambling, you're a professional. If you're bad at it, it's an addiction.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/198-funny-twitter/feed/ 0 The Onion’s Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/the-onions-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/the-onions-twitter/#comments Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:01:34 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=653

the-onion-logo

I remember the first time I saw "The Onion" when I was a kid and for lack of better phrasing The Onion is simply brilliant.  If you want to achieve a funny Twitter Stream you should  then skip my so-so intro and scroll down the blog post to their "Latest Tweet" and follow them Now!  Just reading the headlines as they appear in your Twitter Stream will have you laughing.  Click on a news story that accompanies that headline and you will be sent to The Onion's Website for more results of funny.
 

The Onion was making a mockery of the news way before Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert even got started….but didn't reach "success" until the creation of it's website in 1996 which gave them a National Audience.  The Onion originally started in 1988 in Madison, Wisconsin by college students and slowly but surely spread their news via word of mouth to other colleges and universities.

In 2007 The Onion started "The Onion News Network" which is the CNN of Satirical news…only better! A few of their News Videos are featured at the bottom of this post.

In 2009 The Onion won the Peabody award for "the satirical tabloid's online send-up of 24 hour cable TV news was hilarious, trenchant and not infrequently hard to distinguish from the real thing".

Funny Twitter Tweets The Onion

 

Scroll down for Some of The Onion's Funny Twitter Updates and Stories that have been featured on Funny-Tweets.com

 

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

 

LATEST TWEET

 

Top Funny Twitter Tweet from The Onion

[video] Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked http://bit.ly/7VziaF

Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes http://bit.ly/7YGkkN

Sports: Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame http://bit.ly/4MyXnw

[audio] Coroner To Work From Home Today http://ow.ly/15Zgzm

Sports: Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good http://bit.ly/87bwqQ

Sports: Dopey-Looking Guy Who Doesn't Know He's On Jumbotron Jay Cutler http://ow.ly/15Wx01

In Focus: 'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors http://ow.ly/15XoY5

Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film http://ow.ly/15Vlee

Sports: As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court http://ow.ly/15Vxw2

In Focus: College Freshman Cycles Rapidly Through Identities http://ow.ly/15UTQv

[video] New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' http://ow.ly/15T3vs

Good-Looking One Not Working Today http://onion.com/6Daa1O

Opinion: My Revenge Will Be Rushed And Unfulfilling (by Mitchell Fuchs) http://onion.com/8xMlhz

Sports: Tom Brady: 'I'd Have Booed Us Too, But Patriots Fans Are Still Ungrateful Front-Running Shitheads' http://onion.com/6t3vpU

Opinion: If You're Ever In Florence, You Have To Visit This Mediocre Trattoria I Know (by Mark Gimbel) http://bit.ly/8psjXB

How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party? http://bit.ly/5P0FAa

Sports: NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow http://bit.ly/8hwyVM

 

Video From The Onion News Network 24 Hour News!

 

 

 

 

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/the-onions-twitter/feed/ 6 End O’ Year – New Year Funny Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/end-o-year-new-year-funny-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/end-o-year-new-year-funny-twitter/#comments Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:53:29 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=625

 

I vow to workout, it's a New year, What will 2010 Hold? Who Will Be The Big Shit of the New Decade? How Will My Office Party Antics of 2009 Effect My Employment in 2010? Why Do We Always Begin A New and Fresh Year Hungover?? All the Answers to What 2010 has in store for us can be found in this Twitter Post, I promise.

 

New Year Funny Twitter Tweets

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

 

Don't Forget to Follow Me

 

I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit

On 8-1-2010 16:24:10 from web

 

 

I'm staring down my Christmas tree like it's a drunk who needs to be tossed to the curb.

I thought farts would sound different around the world but no.

On 27-12-2009 19:40:25 from web

Seriously, though, who in Amsterdam wants to go to Detroit?

On 27-12-2009 21:04:32 from web

Remember how good it felt when the model student in elementary school got in trouble? That's why the Tiger Woods story was so popular.

On 27-12-2009 22:04:20 from web

To the guy checking your Facebook on the computers at the gym, don't bother. You have zero friend requests.

Dear Baby Showers: you'd be more fun with booze. As would most things. Love, Sarah

What's with snowboarders acting all B-boy? Do they realize it's the whitest sport ever? It's like flashing gang signs while playing squash.

On 28-12-2009 04:14:52 from web

I ate a moonshine soaked peach once in a "dry county" in Virginia… woke up in a "wet state".

I hate things that don't age well, like milk, or stephanie tanner

On 28-12-2009 06:12:25 from web

You'd think as drunk as I got last night that I wouldn't be in a bar again tonight. You'd think.

Just watched a woman set her own tits on fire. A great way to end the year. #afewdaysearly

There should be a Nobel Prize for getting your drunk friends home.

On 28-12-2009 10:32:44 from web

FYI people who say "FYI" are annoying

Just paid 30 bucks to submit a comedy festival application. My checking account needs a blood transfusion. Blood type: AB(always broke) #fb

On 28-12-2009 20:17:01 from web

I don't know how great al Qaeda's intel is, but I'm guessing they know that destroying Detroit would be redundant.

On 28-12-2009 21:19:20 from web

Sexiest name for a way to pillage the earth: "strip mining."

On 28-12-2009 22:21:10 from web

If I was Vietnamese, I'd refer to masturbation as "me loving me long time."

If you're married to a celeb & have to call 911, you know the call will wind up being released! So take the opportunity to give shoutouts.

Anyone who tells you that 2010 is going to be their year is probably going to need to borrow money.

On 29-12-2009 19:17:09 from web

WebMD is the equivalent of a guy in a dirty white coat wearing a stethoscope who yells "AIDS!" every time you cough.

On 29-12-2009 19:23:40 from web

Meeeeeeee !!! RT @snoopdogg: up early today!! who ready for a wake n bake!?!?!?

It's so cold in New York they're worried baby New Year's balls won't drop.

On 29-12-2009 20:56:57 from web

This decade began with Y2K and ended with WTF.

On 29-12-2009 21:46:19 from web

When I die, people will look at this Twitter account and say, "Wow, looks like she wasn't that big of a loss."

There is an American travesty sweeping our nation: Girls think they are sophisticated because they went to France once.

has never felt so poor as he does in Aspen right now. The thrift store clothes cost more than mine do when I buy them new.

On 30-12-2009 02:48:26 from web

Random fact: I do the Risky Business slide on my hardwood floors at least once a day.

Guy at Spa asked me before my massage if I wanted oil or lotion so I punched him right in the face. Perv.

On 30-12-2009 22:57:31 from web

Failed loading tweet

6-year-old stepcousin: "Why aren't you MARRIED? You're ADULT."

He followed that up with, "No one wants to marry you?" SICK BURN, Sebastian.

Where Compton at? Psych, I'm just kidding. I know exactly where that shit is. Southern California.

watching news..at least president obama sez "al queda" right. Bush said "al kie ay da" like its a mexican restaurant

On 31-12-2009 02:27:37 from web

When I do cocaine with bears I only buy Teddy Grams.

On 31-12-2009 03:55:40 from web

Almost time to drop the ball in Time Square. Nice that we kick off the year with a phrase that means "we screw up."

On 31-12-2009 04:16:27 from web

I can't find a belt so my jeans are now being held up with a shoestring. I am also looking to steal pies off windowsills.

I celebrated New Year's Eve back in September. You gotta stay at least a few steps ahead of everyone else.

On 31-12-2009 05:31:41 from web

ps that not me taking political sides. its a dumb joke.. my god people calm down

On 31-12-2009 05:41:18 from web

I hate when people have that aqueous fat. Know what I mean? It's that fat that leaks out of their clothes and into your innocent eyes. #fb

On 31-12-2009 06:15:29 from web

It takes a special kind of alcoholism to get blackout drunk on January 1st

When I move my head around, I know that girls can smell my shampoo and THAT IS SO ILL.

Sports: NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow http://bit.ly/8hwyVM

Someone just paged McLovin at the Denver airport... dead serious...

I really feel like I'm missing out by not having a boner when I wake up. I feel like if any way, "awkward" is the best way to start the day.

I created my own sexual act by saying my hometown, plus my favorite candy. Mine's the Manhattan GooGoo Cluster. What's Yours?

Philly Butterfinger. RT @Henlips: Created my own sex act by saying my hometown, plus my favorite candy. Mine's the Manhattan GooGoo Cluster.

Funny to me how people will wait 5 min in a line and only start figuring out what they want when it's their turn to order. Oh, humans!

Someday, Tim Tebow will play with his face completely obscured by scripture (via @JoeDeVitoComedy)

If Tim Tebow is allowed to put John 3:16 on his face in the NFL, Ricky Henderson should put Marley 4:20 on his.

over the next week anyone who says "i haven't seen you since last year" will receive on punch in the gullet. i suggest you do the same.

On 2-1-2010 20:18:28 from web

I want to open a bounty hunter business called Shock-a-Con.

On 2-1-2010 23:43:33 from web

The gas prices are so cheap today that I just topped the tank off and filled the back seat up with extra.

On 3-1-2010 00:22:23 from web

I hate when white people with rap ringtones look at me when their phone rings. It's okay. You don't need my approval. #fb

On 3-1-2010 01:18:02 from web

If I were Chairman of the FDA, the first thing I'd do is put pussy on the top of the Food Pyramid.

http://twitpic.com/wiv6q - If anyone needs 10,000 plastic bags I think I can find this car again

Lots of snowflakes here, all identical.

On 3-1-2010 17:36:18 from web

Scenario: if DEN loses, but also wins, and BAL lose, but also win, and the Bears beat the Blue Jays, the Bears are eliminated from the NFL.

On 3-1-2010 22:22:45 from web

When my black friends tell me "You stupid!" that means "You're SO FUNNY!" Which is so funny. Because that's stupid.

On 4-1-2010 01:32:00 from web

I often listen to music created and popularized by African-Americans. #thuglife

Ran 18 miles today and now I'm watching Extreme Pig Outs on the Travel Channel like it's porn. #needcalories

The gym will be crowded for the next few weeks. Or days.

On 4-1-2010 02:50:41 from web

my boob fell out doing pilates.... I didn't know and answered the door for my delivery, he got an extra tit... I mean tip

On 4-1-2010 03:29:30 from web

"If money is stolen and no one is around to see it, did a minority do it? Of course." ~ Police Proverb #fb

On 4-1-2010 06:13:00 from web

In "Summer Lovin'", when Kenickie asks, "Did she put up a fight?", why doesn't anyone stop singing and go, "Wait: What?"

On 4-1-2010 06:20:14 from web

Things we learned today: The past tense 'tweet' is not 'twated.' Please make a note of it.

On 4-1-2010 14:22:23 from web

Just because I have to go back to work, doesn't mean I have to work.

On 4-1-2010 14:42:00 from web

Working at Blockbuster is like working at the gift shop on the Titanic.

On 4-1-2010 17:16:04 from web

Who would you rather sit next to on a plane, a terrorist or a crying baby?

On 4-1-2010 17:48:07 from web

i wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 everyday average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever got the chance

On 4-1-2010 17:54:14 from web

It must've been a good New Years weekend, because I can't remember any of my work passwords.

On 4-1-2010 18:03:40 from web

Failed loading tweet 7378318090

Thanks for the birthday well wishings, everybody! I'm 37. Don't let it happen to you.

On 4-1-2010 21:30:23 from web

In conversation, when I say "Yeah, that's awesome" to a chick I would say that I am lying around 100% of the time.

On 4-1-2010 21:57:10 from web

I think Ryan Seacrest's job title is "Shepherd of Garbage".

Tension at the dentist's office. His hands were in my mouth and I go, "hope you've never masturbated, ever". Got slapped in face.

On 4-1-2010 22:28:57 from web

WHY does everyone put BABIES in their commercials to try to sell me stuff?! I do not take consumer advice from those who poop on themselves!

On 4-1-2010 23:09:57 from web

If the Apple Tablet doesn't give you a back rub and then finish you off, I'm going to be VERY disappointed.

On 5-1-2010 00:14:11 from web

Its so mother effn cold in cleveland i just drove by a grey hound bus and the greyhound was on the bus wit frozen ice cycle snot drippn.

I meant icicles wit my dumb ass lol

A booty call isn't insulting. In fact, I appreciate a man who takes into account my "free nights and weekends" cell phone plan.

I say we transfer airport security from TSA to TMZ. Those dudes don't miss anything.

On 5-1-2010 13:26:20 from web

Catholic Rhode Island residents who work in Boston go to Mass. 5 days a week.

Gilbert Arenas says gun incident was "effort to play a joke". And here I am wasting my time with word play.

On 5-1-2010 17:15:21 from web

I'm eating at Western Bagel by myself and realizing that if I was someone else and saw me, I'd feel bad for me.

I am about to eat Indian food in my snuggie. Because it has sleeves! #snuggieisfreedom #awholenewworld

My dogs hotboxed my car with dog farts. Now I have a headache and I taste metal.

Is that Men's Wearhouse guy for real or an actor? I want to hire him to come over and say reassuring things about my body,

On 6-1-2010 16:53:22 from web

Actual question I just had to ask at work: "Do you know how to make a green fart cloud in photoshop?"

On 6-1-2010 17:20:53 from web

How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party? http://bit.ly/5P0FAa

Baseball Hall Of Fame to announce inductees at 2pm. Roberto Alomar is in spitting distance of getting honored...

On 6-1-2010 17:56:24 from web

There is now a high end espresso maker in my house. It's like living with a drug dealer.

On 6-1-2010 18:15:19 from web

Great job on the hometown+candy sex act submissions. Some favorites: The Fresno Fun Dip, the Chattanooga Chick-O-Stick, Boston Sugar Daddy

On 6-1-2010 18:36:46 from web

RT @dr_pete: A good boss pats you on the head and kicks you in the ass. A bad boss kicks you in the head and pats you on the ass.

Eyebrows are stupid. In the future they will be replaced by more eyes. Or lasers.

Question: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Everytime ashton kutcher tweets, an angel gets his ed hardy designed wings

RT @Daivonus #worstlies "I love watching BET." Hell yeah. Fuck BET. It should stand for Black Embezzlement Television.

On 7-1-2010 01:34:23 from web

One time this chick made me a cake. Then I broke up with her. Then another chick ate some of that cake. They were both bitches. Fuck cake.

turned in early with some chinese food tonight. love eating fortune cookies in bed... in bed

On 7-1-2010 05:45:03 from web

A girl that kicked me out of her slumber party in middle school cuz I was a dork friended me on Facebook. She looks bad so I said "yes."

On 7-1-2010 07:13:39 from web

http://twitpic.com/x1kev - And the 1st place photo bombing award goes to...

HOOK 'EM, TIDE!!!

On 7-1-2010 13:54:50 from web

I just received a "pass a joint" request on Facebook...REALLY?! The simple act of smoking weed has been reduced to an electronic substitute?

On 7-1-2010 14:34:43 from web

ExtenZe. What is with the capital Z? Does that mean it will work on my peniZ?

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/end-o-year-new-year-funny-twitter/feed/ 0