Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku » Top Tweets of November http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Best Thanksgiving Twitter Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-thanksgiving-twitter09/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-thanksgiving-twitter09/#comments Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:59:51 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=459

 

 

The Best Thanksgiving Tweets Found On Twitter

Thanksgiving Twitter Tweets Funny Thanksgiving of Twitter

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Happy Thanksgiving Everyone – Here They Are

 

Tofurkey can go tofucky itself.

On 25-11-2009 05:34:19 from web

Inappropriate Uses For An Uncooked Turkey! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJEf9uRFCEY
It's Thanksgiving. What is Charlie Weis thankful for? Guaranteed contracts

On 25-11-2009 14:07:00 from web

I already celebrated Thanksgiving. Ate a whole turkey this morning. You gotta stay ahead of the game.

On 25-11-2009 17:51:35 from web

Every turkey that George W. Bush ever pardoned was a member of Skull and Bones. FACT.

On 25-11-2009 17:56:19 from web

headed home for thanksgiving. i can't wait to sit around the table and have everyone say why they're thankful for me.
Good luck to all the vegans who have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with their meat-eating relatives. Embrace the awkwardness.

On 25-11-2009 18:31:56 from web

Bill Clinton once pardoned a tofurkey, but it went ahead and killed itself anyway. Life is cruel for those godless perversions of science.

On 25-11-2009 18:54:42 from web

I was going to pardon the turkey my wife brought home but it's dead already...

On 25-11-2009 19:32:55 from web

RT @frankrossitano Thanksgiving is about eating as much food as you can, and living to tell about it.

On 25-11-2009 19:56:15 from web

I am making stuffing for people I don't like. So i'm hiding marbles in it. Just like the Indians on the first Thanksgiving.

On 25-11-2009 20:55:03 from web

This Thanksgiving, I'll speak to family members I'm not that close to using @ replies. "Pass the salad @ Aunt Millie."
It's Thanksgiving. What's Les Miles thankful for? Doesn't matter- whatever he says, he'll deny it later...

On 25-11-2009 21:06:54 from web

"i'll pass" is what i say on thanksgiving not only to her sweet potatoes, but to my crazy aunt's backhanded compliments.

On 25-11-2009 21:17:46 from web

I am thankful for Dolphins and Shit.

On 26-11-2009 01:11:52 from web

A lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for straight pubes. Thankful that I have a commercial agent. Um...that's it.
Lots of people traveling today. I'm time traveling. Gonna have Thanksgiving w/ my grandkids and slap the crap out of them.
I am thankful that S. Korea won 31 medals at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Mexico only had one medal. Hahaha!
It's Thanksgiving. What's Ryan Leaf thankful for? The Cinnabon he works at is closed for the holiday...

On 26-11-2009 02:30:26 from web

lots of greasy grandma fists about to start plunging into turkeys. cant wait.
Playing Rock Band with the family. Nephew just told me to "put my tits in the oven." WTF?
Isn't it enough that we have to deal with relatives on Thanksgiving- do we need the added burden of the Raiders too?

On 26-11-2009 14:09:06 from web

America is only the third-most overweight nation in the world, but all that could change today. USA! USA!

On 26-11-2009 15:48:12 from web

People love me so much that they send me chain text messages to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. How thoughtful and original of them...

On 26-11-2009 16:06:25 from web

Happy Thanksgiving you turkey whores!! Can't wait to dig in to some breast. And to rub some gravy all over my body. To each their own.
Just finished practice,is it me or do you get text messages from people on holidays you ain't heard from in a long tme, #justsaying
And a Happy Thanksgiving to Canada too, our 51st state!

On 26-11-2009 17:47:00 from web

Thanksgiving update. At Jay Cutler's house, he tried to pass the gravy to his wife but it was picked off by some dude

On 26-11-2009 17:50:37 from web

Boom! Happy Turducken Day! http://bit.ly/8ewGhA
I am thankful today for the two old ladies next to me at Starbucks talking incredulously about how "black people call each other brothers."
People who say 'to you and yours', or refer to Thanksgiving as 'turkey day' should be immidiately decapitated.
Wow! The Lions are awful. How did they not get bailed out like the rest of Detroit's losing franchises?
If there are raisins in the stuffing I'm going to flip the table over like DeNiro in Raging Bull.
I'm gonna come up with a good Thanksgiving joke and get back to you next year.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
If turkeys didn't want to be eaten, they wouldn't taste so good.

On 26-11-2009 21:17:31 from web

Put acid in my turkey to make it super Triptophan
I bet the guy that invented gravy is getting so laid right now.

On 26-11-2009 22:31:33 from web

Just got a nap, ready for round 2, operation fat ass is still in effect
"You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Someone needs to tell the turkeys: Man, just be yourself." Thanks, Mitch.

On 26-11-2009 23:23:58 from web

This thanksgiving is "relatively" annoying.
RT @warrenellis: Here in Britain, of course, it's Thank Fuck We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day
#ThanksgivingCheckList another ex-girlfriend has a baby: check
universal acceptance of the term "Black Friday" makes me uncomfortable.
Every holiday I spend with friends is one holiday closer to never spending another holiday with family.
Tyler Perry presents: Black Friday
I love Thanksgiving but the worst part is seeing what gravy looks like after being in the fridge.
"If marijuana was legalized, we'd be in the kitchen stuffing this turkey with chips." #familyconversations -w

On 27-11-2009 07:23:01 from web

Figures I'd be heading back to the US on "black friday.". (It's personal).
Have a great African-American Friday everybody.

On 27-11-2009 13:05:46 from web

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-thanksgiving-twitter09/feed/ 0 Hilarious Twitter Tweets of November http://www.funny-tweets.com/hilarious-tweets-nov09/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/hilarious-tweets-nov09/#comments Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:12:03 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=390

 

 

Hilarious Twitter Tweets From November 2009

 

Hilarious TwitterHilarious Tweets of November

 

 

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If you are anything like me you never know what to Tweet about because let's be honest no one wants to be the person that tweets mindless bullshit like…going to the gym, Oh my cat is just crazy, Want to learn how to make money on twitter…ask me how and Just saw the Time Travelers Wife, it was amazing…ugh!

 

 

We have found Twitter to be much more fun when you Follow Interesting & Funny People (Note never follow Allyssa Milano as sexy as she may be). Here are some of the Best Twitter Updates From The Month of November.  It depends on your style of Humor but there is something for everyone here.

 

 

And if you can't ever think of anything clever to put on Twitter then just ReTweet people like we do!

 

I have nothing original, I just Retweet

On 23-11-2009 13:12:28 from web

 

 

 

 

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Facebook now suggests that I poke certain people. Who does it think it is? The voice in my head when I'm drunk?

On 2-11-2009 02:10:04 from web

had an awesome day. the tailgating was great. the hotdogs were great. the seats were great. the game was great. the outcome was terrible.

On 1-11-2009 22:44:12 from web

I won the New York Marathon today. Here's a pic of me at mile 13 ahead of the runners & TV crew. http://twitpic.com/nyous

On 2-11-2009 03:27:10 from web

Dear Geico, I get it. We could save money switching to Geico. Here's one for you. You could save money not advertising. I don't own a car

On 23-11-2009 06:25:05 from web

When I talk to boring people I wanna shit my pants. When they say "What's that smell?" I'd say "I just shit myself because you're boring."

On 23-11-2009 01:47:38 from web

dear satan, send me some new material and i'll stop making fun of your friend ryan seacrest. best wishes, nick

On 2-11-2009 19:33:59 from web

Giving blood today (not my own).
Yes I did Playboy. No I'm not a sellout. It's a comedy issue. No I'm not 40. Yes I look older on TV. No shit there's airbrushing.

On 2-11-2009 22:09:35 from web

is standing in line and the Birmingham Jefferson-County DMV. I've been in line since last Thursday.
Haha. My stupid ATM just asked asked me if I wanted to see my balance. Why would I ever do that? So I could ruin a good day?

On 2-11-2009 23:31:37 from web

Just accidentally belched walking into a bookstore, then did the super femme "Oh my" hand to the chest move. I'm awesome.
Bank teller: "Are you that douchebag from I Love You, Man?" (I nod) He goes, "I fucking knew it!"
Floating on an innertube down a river of liquor.

On 3-11-2009 23:41:50 from web

Almost the end of the day. I've gone from "pants crappingly" busy to "pants fartingly" busy. Slight improvement!
When Jay-Z & Beyonce make love, the beauty of their mutual orgasm cries sets off a 2nd superorgasm that would kill one of us
If I was a woman, I'd have great tits.

On 4-11-2009 20:12:49 from web

[audio] Coroner To Work From Home Today http://ow.ly/15Zgzm
Goodnight to you all and remember haters are merely confused admirers, accept the vegetables for they taste bad but r so good for you.zzzzzz
Let's go Phillies!! I've never been happier that I bought a 52" TV. Sure I had to live on ramen for a month- but so worth it!

On 5-11-2009 00:48:12 from web

One of my first jokes was, "when I was kid my mother told me, 'when you grow up not everyone is gonna like you." and I said, "I need names."
Want to go broke writing about comedy? Ask me how!
I had the craziest dream about me last night.

On 5-11-2009 15:03:26 from web

Mom visiting, told her I had work to do. Work=getting high in backyard and listening to skeletonwitch in my office. Same shit, new band.
I finally broke my drug addiction!!! Now I just need a fix...

On 6-11-2009 06:35:32 from web

People who don't refridgerate ketchup, annoy me
When a rapper says "Throw your hands in the air!" I karate chop off other peoples' hands & throw them in the air.

On 6-11-2009 08:34:13 from web

What makes the faces I do during intercourse so incredible is the fact that I'm so natural about it. I don't force anything.
@chrisdelia that's dumb.
Has ANYONE lost their job for destroying the economy? I was once fired for bein late 3 times in a month and I didn't bankrupt anybody. #p2
Amazing. Lost all rock star street cred in just one tweet: http://twitter.com/SlashHudson/status/5439827764
if it weren't for sex and beer being an adult would totally blow.

On 6-11-2009 15:00:56 from web

I heard Taco Bell's black taco is getting busy with a lot of white girls.
Every Yankee looks like someone who would spill his beer on me in a bar and then call me "buddy."

On 6-11-2009 15:58:15 from web

Can you really call it "babysitting" when it's your own child? More like "parenting."
If the person behind me on the plane is following me on Twitter: please shut up.
Is it fair to say iTunes has become a 99 Cents store? #fb
Unless you're looking for "masturbation lessons", you should stay away from my car on my lunch break.
If I smoked I would be the coolest smoker in the world, similar to Brad Pitt in SLEEPERS but even cooler.

On 6-11-2009 21:00:29 from web

No matter how many ties I pretend to look at, it is obvious to everyone in Nordstrom's that I came in only to take a shit.

On 6-11-2009 21:17:41 from web

Can we change the word "addiction" to "enthusiasm?" As in: "I have an alcohol enthusiasm?" It just sounds nicer.

On 7-11-2009 00:08:21 from web

I had fun last night...at least that's what everyone keeps telling me

On 7-11-2009 03:01:35 from web

#onmymoma if I was Rihanna I'd date weird dudes that changed there last names to numbers<---oh snap that's me, wait Gucci n LV don't mix :(
The ponytail is the female equivalent of the baseball cap.
Doctor Strangelove RT @steveagee: #realfilmsnotpornfilms Easy Rider
Dear 3 valley girls next to me at sushi place- your shrill voices are drilling a hole in my brain. For the love of god shut the fuck up!
And I don't care about your snowboarding or your "first run evahhh!" and neither does anyone else. how loud can you be? Yes I'll record
The only thing dorkier than being totally obsessed with online gaming is being over 35 and getting into MMA and wearing TAPOUT shirts.

On 8-11-2009 00:03:45 from web

As I fly over the country, I realize Miley Cyrus has been right this whole time. There is a party in the USA.

On 8-11-2009 00:31:24 from web

i dropped my toothbrush in the toilet. i didn't think that happened outside of ben stiller movies.
Dragged to super douche nightclub for my cousins bday. It smells like Red Bull and sweat. Also many girls with great personalities! Ugh.
What's Plan B? #threewordsaftersex

On 8-11-2009 20:01:57 from web

Don't tell Mommy! RT @CarollaBoards: No Change Given RT @RealJeffreyRoss God Is Great! RT @steveagee Sorry I Farted #threewordsaftersex
Tastes like chicken RT @davidwain: They're happy tears. #threewordsaftersex
Buy the car. #threewordsaftersex
You need floss? #threewordsaftersex
Muppets perform "Devil Went Down To Georgia" http://afx.cc/adq Weird that I don't remember this AT ALL.

On 8-11-2009 22:34:13 from web

I'm not saying it's right but I definitely understand why some animals eat their young.

On 8-11-2009 22:34:44 from web

You take Visa? #threewordsaftersex

On 8-11-2009 22:55:12 from web

#threewordsaftersex you still asleep?
Waitress cleavage always look awesome. @
I want to park my car (penis) in your vagina (garage).

On 9-11-2009 03:59:30 from web

http://twitpic.com/ov2te - Esteban goes Ricky Bobby in Pittsburgh
I can't go to sleep because somehow the theme to "Duck Tales" has lodged itself into my brain. Please Jesus make it stop.
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."

On 9-11-2009 21:36:05 from web

Laughed so loud at this. Holy shit. RT @kttatara: chicks who wear suspenders always have small titties
This. Fucking. Killed me. http://bit.ly/vlqvM

On 9-11-2009 23:43:06 from web

That Facebook notification should say "Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever."
[P] Just spent the past half hour trying repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, to Skype with my wife. It was even less sexy than it sounds.

On 10-11-2009 01:39:27 from web

Now accepting booty calls.

On 10-11-2009 06:16:12 from web

Sign of the times: Zagat guide to review dumpsters

On 10-11-2009 13:57:57 from web

I also got Pete Campbell & guy from Always Sunny in Philly. Caucs only come in a few varieties. Yeah "Caucs." New whitey slang I made up.
should i get a life or get a clue? or maybe a connect four.

On 10-11-2009 17:59:51 from web

I think sometimes black women intentionally put themselves into uncomfortable situations, just so they can say "AW HELL NO!"

On 10-11-2009 20:39:54 from web

If the disco's too loud to chat, it's best to just glare at your target & point at your ding-dong or yum-yum while groaning.

On 10-11-2009 21:30:40 from web

I wish you could enter license plates of crazy drivers into a website, and get google alerts when they die in a car accident.
When I see some gay guys I just wanna be like, "Yo we get it. You're gay."
i'm a breakdown away from browsing grad schools online. i could be a nurse practitioner!

On 10-11-2009 22:38:18 from web

Derek Jeter wins the gold glove. Economists everywhere are shocked that gold can be obtained for so little.
Pimp Jiz + Rainbows = Gina Gershon

On 11-11-2009 00:07:14 from web

Wearing headphones does not make me invisible. I just went all crazy eyes on someone at coffee bean and they noticed.

On 11-11-2009 01:44:15 from web

I really hate you right now, lower back. I only just want to be able to walk & stand & sit. U don't have to be a dick about it.

On 11-11-2009 02:49:18 from web

I hate the phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Why the fuck would I want to have it if I can't eat it?

On 11-11-2009 04:16:45 from web

i just saw a prius with rims #hollywood
saw a girl at the mall today that was built like a Super Nintendo. I asked her when the new Mario Kart was coming out.

On 11-11-2009 07:27:27 from web

CollegeHumor exposes Seth MacFarlane's secret! http://bit.ly/qhlUu
Will try to spend 2 days in LA without developing cocaine habit.
Someone should start a chain of members-only bathrooms. Clean, private, nationwide. Fuck. Do I have to think of everything?
The "environment" can suck my dick, but I DO like that my Prius's engine is silent as I pull up to my ex–wife's house.
Can't we all set aside our differences for one minute and agree, as humans, that Asian accents are funny?

On 12-11-2009 00:52:41 from web

Just watched a UFC fight. I think. It was either that or some very conceptual gay porn.
An animated re-telling of Dock Ellis' classic game he pitched on LSD. http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/3814

On 15-11-2009 21:23:34 from web

i'm generally a pretty obnoxious woman, but when i watch football i'm just a straight up asshole.

On 15-11-2009 22:33:13 from web

Whenever a guy says "oh, she's my best friend" they mean "don't hit on her. I'm not done striking out with her yet"
To eliminate competition in the douche industry, Summers Eve and Ed Hardy should probably just do a merger.
Black people aren't loud. We just all have Samuel L. Jackson as a conscience, so we're used to hearing a lot of yelling.

On 16-11-2009 07:06:44 from web

The 100 greatest quotes from The Wire: http://bit.ly/Z6c67

On 16-11-2009 20:09:39 from web

My father always told me, "Be bold! Don't be italic."
You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? You can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight.

On 16-11-2009 17:39:53 from web

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."

On 16-11-2009 19:00:46 from web

I eat pussy like a chimpanzee eats your face. Who wants to be on Oprah?

On 16-11-2009 23:08:11 from web

Got a note on my car that says, "THANKS A LOT for hitting my car. Call me or I'll call the LAPD." What did they mean by "THANKS A LOT?"

On 20-11-2009 18:47:07 from web

Just bought my first Christmas present. Now all I have to do is pretend to be surprised when I open it.
I used to live with an alcoholic that insisted on using coasters in the house. Cirrhosis=fine. Sweat rings on the coffee table=unforgivable.
On a scale from 1-kill my self where do I stand if I'm REALLY into party in the usa by Miley Cyrus?
Best line I've heard all night. "If you don't have mac, I don't take you seriously".
I like my women like I like my colostomy bags: made of plastic and full of shit.

On 22-11-2009 06:29:19 from web

i'm generally a pretty obnoxious woman, but when i watch football i'm just a straight up asshole.

On 15-11-2009 22:33:13 from web

I like my women like I like my yo-yo: always ready to go down even if they haven't been around the world.

On 22-11-2009 06:32:07 from web

Words can't express how good this is... RT @karlhess: i like medium sized butts, and i'm great at lying.

On 22-11-2009 07:01:51 from web

"In the year 3000, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge into one super time wasting website called YouTwitFace.” - Conan O'Brien

On 22-11-2009 07:23:27 from web

Dry-humping is THE SHIT (chicks).

On 22-11-2009 11:33:36 from web

Kudos to the couple in the hotel room way down the hall from me having the loudest sex ever. If a baby results, that kid's gonna be huge.

On 22-11-2009 18:05:35 from web

i'm proud to say my greatest accomplishment is knowing every lyric to "gimmie that nut."

On 22-11-2009 19:35:05 from web

I had it wrong- The Lions have found a cure for their problems- That cure is the Cleveland Browns. @richeisen

On 22-11-2009 20:18:37 from web

Ladies, I'm walking around the house in my underwear. Consider that an invitation.....or a warning.

On 22-11-2009 22:13:53 from web

Hey, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Just be Phil Hoffman and stop being all like "I have three names".

On 23-11-2009 00:17:42 from web

I'm glad the alcohol in Australia works just like it does in the US

On 23-11-2009 03:26:19 from web

Hey people let's put the dick back in dictionary!
RT @ikpanderson: I think Lady GaGa is a joke Tim Burton is playing on us.
Sports: Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good http://bit.ly/87bwqQ
any woman who wears a santa hat "to be cute" didn't get enough attention from their father.
Today I'm going to try eating something that wasn't made by Frito Lay or Nabisco.
I definitely did not just hit myself in the genitals while pretending to be chuck norris and swinging my belt around like nunchucks.

 

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/hilarious-tweets-nov09/feed/ 2 Funny People To Follow on Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-people-to-follow-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/funny-people-to-follow-twitter/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:55:19 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=360

 

Funny People To Follow On Twitter

 

Funny People to Follow On Twitter

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Here is a list of the Funny Comedians, Actors, Sports Athletes & Overall Funny Tweeters that we currently follow.  If you are new to Twitter or have become frustrated with it then we recommend you Unfollow all the lame people you currently follow and start following these people who have proven that not ALL of their Tweets are boring!

 Below, you can view each person's latest Tweet (Powered by TwitSig.com).

 

Don't forget to Follow Us As We Just Tend To Re-Tweet Funny Stuff .

 

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I have nothing original, I just Retweet

On 23-11-2009 13:12:28 from web

 

Our List of Funny People (In No  Particular Order)

 

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Whitney's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Chris D'Elia Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for The Onion News Video & A Collection of The Onion's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Rob Huebel's Funny Tweets

Click Link Above for Stand up Video & A Collection of Josh Sneed's Funny Tweets

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