Christmas Twitter Updates
Merry Christmas Funny Twitter Updates
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25 December 2009
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The Charlie Brown Christmas special is on tonight. The one where Linus shoots that reindeer in the face in the busted coke deal.
What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals?
GREAT GIFT IDEA: Shut the fuck up for once.
Things said during Xmas: "I'm so happy we're together." (0 times). "Where's the f#%& tape? I gotta wrap this s#%*!" (4,371 times).
'Tis the season when we use 'tis instead of it's.
Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine.
Canta Slaus lives in the South Pole, has huge elves, and delivers toys to adults in August.
Thoughts from the inventor of egg nog: "Man, I could really go for a tall, cold, glass of eggs right now."
I wonder how many people with cameltoe are standing under mistletoe right at this moment.
If Barack Obama was in charge of my xmas shopping, he'd put together an amazing shopping list, then end up buying everyone socks.
I want a thuggie for Christmas: http://bit.ly/5Kn2jX
Profile pics are a lot like Christmas sweaters: some are ugly, some are offensive but the truly great ones are still kind of really ugly.
Do you know anyone that celebrates Kwanzaa? Mom: No. No one celebrates Kwanzaa. Not even black people. My mom said the same thing as me! #fb
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Except for the Jews." -Santa Claus
A couple thousand years and some months ago, a lady named Mary was about to give Joseph "the news." Fingers crossed he'll understand!
BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins, so you don't have to be an asshole about it.
My daughter: "Why doesn't the alarm go off when Santa goes down the chimney?" Me: "Magic." My daughter: "Bullshit."
All I want for christmas is a parking spot.
TV ads where they sing slogans and helpful hints using traditional Xmas melodies sure nail that "Horribly obnoxious" market.
I feel like that whole family was pretty blase about grandma getting run over by a reindeer. Grandma must've been a real bitch.
I never met a hall I didn't deck with boughs of holly.
Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring http://bit.ly/8EMCxI
Doing my laundry today, even though I'm going home to see my parents tomorrow. It's a Christmas miracle!
A little holiday cheer! Long ago I directed a musical # for the stage called, "Jesus Is My Drinkin' Buddy" Enjoy: http://bit.ly/8d5N9b
Never share your Christmas letter to Santa with anyone. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f4b2372780/dear-santa
If I have to listen to The Jackson 5 sing Santa Claus Is Coming to Town one more damn time...
The worst part about shopping is seeing all the stuff that is way better than the stuff you own.
Santa should give cleaner energy. Maybe giving all of the bad kids coal is what got us in this climate change debacle in the first place. -w
I decided to get into the Holiday Spirit by not paying my cell phone bill. Now I have Silent Nights and Weekends.
Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 http://bit.ly/66i99j
We should all stop focusing on the chestnuts. There is an open fire in the house.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Santa Claus" "Santa Claus? At this hour?!" (door opens, multiple gun shots.) Have a safe holiday everyone.
Merry Christmas Eve Eve. For Brits Happy Christmas Eve Eve. For atheist enjoy Hell. (yes I'm being sarcastic)
Going to Trader Joe's with my mom. This close to Christmas Eve, I'm really only there to punch people out of the way for her.
The miracle is days away. Egg nog and chronic.
Car repairs are eating away at my Christmas sack.
It's eating Chinese food and crying eve. #jew
Just did Christmas shopping on my iPhone. If iPhone gets a vagina and starts telling me how funny and cute I am, my girlfriend's in trouble
As I reflect upon this Christmas season I can't help wonder what the three wise men would've thought of Peter Tosh's "Bush Doctor" album.
Heading to the mall to "accidentally" spill scalding hot gingerbread lattes on dudes wearing Santa hats and Ed Hardy.
Jingle Bell Rock does not rock... it swings a little, but it definitely doesn't rock.
Dancer? Prancer? C'mon, it's Christmas Eve not Christmas Steve.
The two dirtiest places in the mall right now: the water fountain and santa's knee.
We're leaving a big fat rail of coke and a shot of Jack for Santa this year… cookies and milk will just slow him down. #makingmemories
Attn: White People. None of us Blacks actually celebrate Kwanzaa. None of us. So you, your friends, and Old Navy can stop mentioning it.
And in 33 years you're going to? Nail him to a what!? But we get chocolate eggs for that. I see. Where's my hammer I'll do it now.
Listen to TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS the way it was intended to be heard http://tumblr.com/x5a4xv0x0
Hey Toby Keith, take off the cowboy hat before you put on the Santa hat. Can't wear two hats, and that's obvious. http://twitpic.com/v0caq
did I really just pull the price tag off a toy I got my dog for xmas?
Just read on @huffingtonpost that Rudolph's Red Nose is due to a Melanoma. Our prayers go out to him.
Reminded of that song about the kid seeing his father making love to Santa.
In honor of Christmas Eve, I'd like to remember the Douchebag Inn Keeper who refused to let a pregnant lady sleep indoors...
I passed out. When I came to, the beer in my hand was still cold. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is the exact sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.
It's official! Snow is going to be in my living room for three hours on Christmas! He's going to rap 'Informer' 40 times! It only cost $30!
Does raid kill bahumbugs?
Sleep tight, everyone! Soon Santa will be over *your* home! BRINGING DEATH FROM ABOVE http://twitpic.com/v2x1t
My kids think Baby Jesus is one of Santa's elves.
Who would have guessed when 'Jingle All The Way' came out that Arnold, NOT Sinbad, would be elected to public office?
Btw. If you group text everyone in your phone book "merry Xmas". It is way more crappy than not doing it at all. Resist.
... And, of course, Merry Christmas, or what ever the new marketing term is. Love you all, each one of you, individually, by yourself xxx
Just ran into Santa as I was walking to the bathroom, naked, with a raging pee boner. We fist-pounded awkwardly.
Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas http://bit.ly/7Xcrom
I feel sick today. Leg killing me as usual #tinytimtweets
Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for following me! More dick jokes in 2010 :)
Merry Christmas. Did anyone get a car with a giant ribbon on top? Has anyone ever? Do those ribbons even exist?
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