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End O’ Year – New Year Funny Twitter

8 January 2010 Comments

 

I vow to workout, it's a New year, What will 2010 Hold? Who Will Be The Big Shit of the New Decade? How Will My Office Party Antics of 2009 Effect My Employment in 2010? Why Do We Always Begin A New and Fresh Year Hungover?? All the Answers to What 2010 has in store for us can be found in this Twitter Post, I promise.

 

New Year Funny Twitter Tweets

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I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit On 10:24 AM Jan 8th 2010 from web

 

 

I'm staring down my Christmas tree like it's a drunk who needs to be tossed to the curb. On 12:05 PM Dec 27th 2009 from Echofon

I thought farts would sound different around the world but no. On 1:40 PM Dec 27th 2009 from web

Seriously, though, who in Amsterdam wants to go to Detroit? On 3:04 PM Dec 27th 2009 from web

Remember how good it felt when the model student in elementary school got in trouble? That's why the Tiger Woods story was so popular. On 4:04 PM Dec 27th 2009 from web

To the guy checking your Facebook on the computers at the gym, don't bother. You have zero friend requests. On 4:53 PM Dec 27th 2009 from UberTwitter

Dear Baby Showers: you'd be more fun with booze. As would most things. Love, Sarah On 5:46 PM Dec 27th 2009 from Tweetie

What's with snowboarders acting all B-boy? Do they realize it's the whitest sport ever? It's like flashing gang signs while playing squash. On 10:14 PM Dec 27th 2009 from web

I ate a moonshine soaked peach once in a "dry county" in Virginia… woke up in a "wet state". On 10:29 PM Dec 27th 2009 from TweetDeck

I hate things that don't age well, like milk, or stephanie tanner On 12:12 AM Dec 28th 2009 from web

You'd think as drunk as I got last night that I wouldn't be in a bar again tonight. You'd think. On 12:32 AM Dec 28th 2009 from Echofon

Just watched a woman set her own tits on fire. A great way to end the year. #afewdaysearly On 1:40 AM Dec 28th 2009 from mobile web

There should be a Nobel Prize for getting your drunk friends home. On 4:32 AM Dec 28th 2009 from web

FYI people who say "FYI" are annoying On 1:40 PM Dec 28th 2009 from Tweetie

Just paid 30 bucks to submit a comedy festival application. My checking account needs a blood transfusion. Blood type: AB(always broke) #fb On 2:17 PM Dec 28th 2009 from web

I don't know how great al Qaeda's intel is, but I'm guessing they know that destroying Detroit would be redundant. On 3:19 PM Dec 28th 2009 from web

Sexiest name for a way to pillage the earth: "strip mining." On 4:21 PM Dec 28th 2009 from web

If I was Vietnamese, I'd refer to masturbation as "me loving me long time." On 6:32 PM Dec 28th 2009 from Twittelator

If you're married to a celeb & have to call 911, you know the call will wind up being released! So take the opportunity to give shoutouts. On 10:19 PM Dec 28th 2009 from Echofon

Anyone who tells you that 2010 is going to be their year is probably going to need to borrow money. On 1:17 PM Dec 29th 2009 from web

WebMD is the equivalent of a guy in a dirty white coat wearing a stethoscope who yells "AIDS!" every time you cough. On 1:23 PM Dec 29th 2009 from web

Meeeeeeee !!! RT @snoopdogg: up early today!! who ready for a wake n bake!?!?!? On 1:33 PM Dec 29th 2009 from Echofon

It's so cold in New York they're worried baby New Year's balls won't drop. On 2:56 PM Dec 29th 2009 from web

This decade began with Y2K and ended with WTF. On 3:46 PM Dec 29th 2009 from web

When I die, people will look at this Twitter account and say, "Wow, looks like she wasn't that big of a loss." On 4:51 PM Dec 29th 2009 from UberTwitter

There is an American travesty sweeping our nation: Girls think they are sophisticated because they went to France once. On 5:26 PM Dec 29th 2009 from UberTwitter

has never felt so poor as he does in Aspen right now. The thrift store clothes cost more than mine do when I buy them new. On 8:48 PM Dec 29th 2009 from web

Random fact: I do the Risky Business slide on my hardwood floors at least once a day. On 9:28 PM Dec 29th 2009 from UberTwitter

Guy at Spa asked me before my massage if I wanted oil or lotion so I punched him right in the face. Perv. On 4:57 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

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6-year-old stepcousin: "Why aren't you MARRIED? You're ADULT." On 5:11 PM Dec 30th 2009 from Echofon

He followed that up with, "No one wants to marry you?" SICK BURN, Sebastian. On 5:12 PM Dec 30th 2009 from Echofon

Where Compton at? Psych, I'm just kidding. I know exactly where that shit is. Southern California. On 5:45 PM Dec 30th 2009 from UberTwitter

watching news..at least president obama sez "al queda" right. Bush said "al kie ay da" like its a mexican restaurant On 8:27 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

When I do cocaine with bears I only buy Teddy Grams. On 9:55 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

Almost time to drop the ball in Time Square. Nice that we kick off the year with a phrase that means "we screw up." On 10:16 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

I can't find a belt so my jeans are now being held up with a shoestring. I am also looking to steal pies off windowsills. On 10:31 PM Dec 30th 2009 from Echofon

I celebrated New Year's Eve back in September. You gotta stay at least a few steps ahead of everyone else. On 11:31 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

ps that not me taking political sides. its a dumb joke.. my god people calm down On 11:41 PM Dec 30th 2009 from web

I hate when people have that aqueous fat. Know what I mean? It's that fat that leaks out of their clothes and into your innocent eyes. #fb On 12:15 AM Dec 31st 2009 from web

It takes a special kind of alcoholism to get blackout drunk on January 1st On 3:44 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from Echofon

When I move my head around, I know that girls can smell my shampoo and THAT IS SO ILL. On 4:24 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from UberTwitter

Sports: NBC Analyst Mike Holmgren Crawls Under Desk After Seeing Own Shadow http://bit.ly/8hwyVM On 9:19 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from twitterfeed

Someone just paged McLovin at the Denver airport... dead serious... On 11:08 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from twidroid

I really feel like I'm missing out by not having a boner when I wake up. I feel like if any way, "awkward" is the best way to start the day. On 11:21 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from UberTwitter

I created my own sexual act by saying my hometown, plus my favorite candy. Mine's the Manhattan GooGoo Cluster. What's Yours? On 11:34 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from mobile web

Philly Butterfinger. RT @Henlips: Created my own sex act by saying my hometown, plus my favorite candy. Mine's the Manhattan GooGoo Cluster. On 11:47 AM Jan 2nd 2010 from TweetDeck

Funny to me how people will wait 5 min in a line and only start figuring out what they want when it's their turn to order. Oh, humans! On 12:19 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from Tweetie

Someday, Tim Tebow will play with his face completely obscured by scripture (via @JoeDeVitoComedy) On 12:56 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from Twitterrific

If Tim Tebow is allowed to put John 3:16 on his face in the NFL, Ricky Henderson should put Marley 4:20 on his. On 1:08 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from TweetDeck

over the next week anyone who says "i haven't seen you since last year" will receive on punch in the gullet. i suggest you do the same. On 2:18 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from web

I want to open a bounty hunter business called Shock-a-Con. On 5:43 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from web

The gas prices are so cheap today that I just topped the tank off and filled the back seat up with extra. On 6:22 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from web

I hate when white people with rap ringtones look at me when their phone rings. It's okay. You don't need my approval. #fb On 7:18 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from web

If I were Chairman of the FDA, the first thing I'd do is put pussy on the top of the Food Pyramid. On 8:34 PM Jan 2nd 2010 from txt

http://twitpic.com/wiv6q - If anyone needs 10,000 plastic bags I think I can find this car again On 11:34 AM Jan 3rd 2010 from TwitPic

Lots of snowflakes here, all identical. On 11:36 AM Jan 3rd 2010 from web

Scenario: if DEN loses, but also wins, and BAL lose, but also win, and the Bears beat the Blue Jays, the Bears are eliminated from the NFL. On 4:22 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from web

When my black friends tell me "You stupid!" that means "You're SO FUNNY!" Which is so funny. Because that's stupid. On 7:32 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from web

I often listen to music created and popularized by African-Americans. #thuglife On 7:48 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from Tweetie

Ran 18 miles today and now I'm watching Extreme Pig Outs on the Travel Channel like it's porn. #needcalories On 8:10 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from TweetDeck

The gym will be crowded for the next few weeks. Or days. On 8:50 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from web

my boob fell out doing pilates.... I didn't know and answered the door for my delivery, he got an extra tit... I mean tip On 9:29 PM Jan 3rd 2010 from web

"If money is stolen and no one is around to see it, did a minority do it? Of course." ~ Police Proverb #fb On 12:13 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

In "Summer Lovin'", when Kenickie asks, "Did she put up a fight?", why doesn't anyone stop singing and go, "Wait: What?" On 12:20 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

Things we learned today: The past tense 'tweet' is not 'twated.' Please make a note of it. On 8:22 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

Just because I have to go back to work, doesn't mean I have to work. On 8:42 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

Working at Blockbuster is like working at the gift shop on the Titanic. On 11:16 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

Who would you rather sit next to on a plane, a terrorist or a crying baby? On 11:48 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

i wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 everyday average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever got the chance On 11:54 AM Jan 4th 2010 from web

It must've been a good New Years weekend, because I can't remember any of my work passwords. On 12:03 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

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Thanks for the birthday well wishings, everybody! I'm 37. Don't let it happen to you. On 3:30 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

In conversation, when I say "Yeah, that's awesome" to a chick I would say that I am lying around 100% of the time. On 3:57 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

I think Ryan Seacrest's job title is "Shepherd of Garbage". On 4:05 PM Jan 4th 2010 from txt

Tension at the dentist's office. His hands were in my mouth and I go, "hope you've never masturbated, ever". Got slapped in face. On 4:28 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

WHY does everyone put BABIES in their commercials to try to sell me stuff?! I do not take consumer advice from those who poop on themselves! On 5:09 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

If the Apple Tablet doesn't give you a back rub and then finish you off, I'm going to be VERY disappointed. On 6:14 PM Jan 4th 2010 from web

Its so mother effn cold in cleveland i just drove by a grey hound bus and the greyhound was on the bus wit frozen ice cycle snot drippn. On 7:15 PM Jan 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

I meant icicles wit my dumb ass lol On 7:18 PM Jan 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

A booty call isn't insulting. In fact, I appreciate a man who takes into account my "free nights and weekends" cell phone plan. On 7:44 PM Jan 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

I say we transfer airport security from TSA to TMZ. Those dudes don't miss anything. On 7:26 AM Jan 5th 2010 from web

Catholic Rhode Island residents who work in Boston go to Mass. 5 days a week. On 8:59 AM Jan 5th 2010 from Tweetie

Gilbert Arenas says gun incident was "effort to play a joke". And here I am wasting my time with word play. On 11:15 AM Jan 5th 2010 from web

I'm eating at Western Bagel by myself and realizing that if I was someone else and saw me, I'd feel bad for me. On 5:28 PM Jan 5th 2010 from UberTwitter

I am about to eat Indian food in my snuggie. Because it has sleeves! #snuggieisfreedom #awholenewworld On 8:03 PM Jan 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

My dogs hotboxed my car with dog farts. Now I have a headache and I taste metal. On 7:29 PM Jan 5th 2010 from Echofon

Is that Men's Wearhouse guy for real or an actor? I want to hire him to come over and say reassuring things about my body, On 10:53 AM Jan 6th 2010 from web

Actual question I just had to ask at work: "Do you know how to make a green fart cloud in photoshop?" On 11:20 AM Jan 6th 2010 from web

How Did We Embarrass Ourselves At The Office Party? http://bit.ly/5P0FAa On 11:50 AM Jan 6th 2010 from twitterfeed

Baseball Hall Of Fame to announce inductees at 2pm. Roberto Alomar is in spitting distance of getting honored... On 11:56 AM Jan 6th 2010 from web

There is now a high end espresso maker in my house. It's like living with a drug dealer. On 12:15 PM Jan 6th 2010 from web

Great job on the hometown+candy sex act submissions. Some favorites: The Fresno Fun Dip, the Chattanooga Chick-O-Stick, Boston Sugar Daddy On 12:36 PM Jan 6th 2010 from web

RT @dr_pete: A good boss pats you on the head and kicks you in the ass. A bad boss kicks you in the head and pats you on the ass. On 4:59 PM Jan 6th 2010 from TweetDeck

Eyebrows are stupid. In the future they will be replaced by more eyes. Or lasers. On 5:29 PM Jan 6th 2010 from Tweetie

Question: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it. On 6:26 PM Jan 6th 2010 from TweetDeck

Everytime ashton kutcher tweets, an angel gets his ed hardy designed wings On 7:14 PM Jan 6th 2010 from twidroid

RT @Daivonus #worstlies "I love watching BET." Hell yeah. Fuck BET. It should stand for Black Embezzlement Television. On 7:34 PM Jan 6th 2010 from web

One time this chick made me a cake. Then I broke up with her. Then another chick ate some of that cake. They were both bitches. Fuck cake. On 9:18 PM Jan 6th 2010 from UberTwitter

turned in early with some chinese food tonight. love eating fortune cookies in bed... in bed On 11:45 PM Jan 6th 2010 from web

A girl that kicked me out of her slumber party in middle school cuz I was a dork friended me on Facebook. She looks bad so I said "yes." On 1:13 AM Jan 7th 2010 from web

http://twitpic.com/x1kev - And the 1st place photo bombing award goes to... On 6:34 AM Jan 7th 2010 from TwitPic

HOOK 'EM, TIDE!!! On 7:54 AM Jan 7th 2010 from web

I just received a "pass a joint" request on Facebook...REALLY?! The simple act of smoking weed has been reduced to an electronic substitute? On 8:34 AM Jan 7th 2010 from web

ExtenZe. What is with the capital Z? Does that mean it will work on my peniZ? On 11:10 AM Jan 7th 2010 from Tweetie

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