Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Wed, 01 Sep 2010 17:28:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Follow Me to a Funny August http://www.funny-tweets.com/august10-updates/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/august10-updates/#comments Wed, 01 Sep 2010 12:29:45 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1274

Funny-Tweets.com tries to update the website with a new post around the 1st and 15th of each month.  This post covers what has happened in Funny on the Twitterverse over the last 16 days of August (16th-31st).

Let's re-live August through Funny Tweets and don't forget to see what happened at the start of August.

Thank you for stopping by and please follow us on Twitter or Grab our attention with your own funny tweet at YourFunnyTweets


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I can't believe Queen Latifah is gay, I could have sworn she was Asexual
Showblockers!: 22 characters who stop good TV shows in their tracks. http://onion.com/biRP7A
A new morning after pill now works five full days after sex. Soon you can take a pill to kill your kid in his dorm room.

On 16-8-2010 13:08:24 from web

Sometimes my life is like one big heavy-flow period, and all I have are light-flow tampons.

On 16-8-2010 16:05:02 from web

I think if you have a goatee you look like a shitty magician. Happy Monday.
Coloring says a lot about a person. Outside the lines too much: retarded. Never outside the lines: gay.
I have 5 Uncles and two of them can't find work. Some how Middle Eastern men has put a strangle hold on American transportation.

On 16-8-2010 17:10:46 from web

In Focus: Al-Jazeera Introduces 'Lighter Side Of The News' Segment http://onion.com/dknefU
I'll have a lesbian experience when lesbians start owning yachts.
15 years from now, there's a chance my son will be curious and read through all my old tweets. Just in case - Hey buddy, you're grounded.

On 16-8-2010 21:45:56 from web

"prenatal bikram yoga" should just cut to the point and call itself "premeditated miscarriage yoga"
I am officially the first to arrive at my own bachelor party. Punctuality has never been so lame.
Waiting for anything sucks. Waiting at SportsClips for a haircut is downright depressing
When plants want a hand job they use palm trees.

On 16-8-2010 22:57:37 from web

If my life was a song, someone would be turning it off and saying, 'the rest is pretty much the same.'
I hereby blame all future procrastination and weight gain on @Netflix “Watch Instantly”.

On 16-8-2010 23:25:58 from web

@chickmcgee1 Chick you said it best: Pre-season NFL: The games don't count; but the injuries do.

On 17-8-2010 03:37:04 from web in reply to Chick McGee

Ed Hardy energy drink...for when your thirst needs to be douchey too.

On 17-8-2010 06:36:17 from web

Embrace your best self but keep your asshole in your back pocket.
The bird is the word.
i'm 32 years old and i'm pretty sure i don't understand time zones.
Just read the most disturbing phrase on the back of a Hudson and Landry record- "true planned parenthood is kidnapping." Wow
‎​Husband comes home wife watching a cooking channel, " y do u bother watching that? U still can't cook!" u watch porn & still can't fuck!
Patron is like a day late laxative! #TMItweet
Maybe they should print the Constitution on MCDonalds bags so Americans would be exposed to it more #Solutions
This girl workin @ Mcdonalds talkin bout a dude better put a ring on it..#childplease..U better put a bun on it. -(@OGOchoCinco voice)
NATURE FACT: Cats don't like it when their favorite rear-entry mating position is referred to as, "Doggy-Style".

On 17-8-2010 15:38:13 from web

I actually just complained that my back was sore from lying by the pool yesterday. I'm officially worthless.

On 17-8-2010 16:22:18 from web

You guys want to hear a joke? Reality television.

On 17-8-2010 17:42:53 from web

My Twifficiency score is shut the fuck up. Whats yours? http://itsjusttwitter.com/

On 17-8-2010 18:00:05 from web

Women and tax forms have a lot in common...Men love to cheat on them.

On 17-8-2010 18:06:09 from web

I just wish my mouth had a backspace key

On 17-8-2010 18:53:53 from web

Liberals are like those annoying people who try to wave everyone through at 4 way stops. Conservatives are disgusting asshole-faces.

On 17-8-2010 18:45:28 from web

Today’s NY Post says I was spotted in NYC dining with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Whoever’s impersonating me—aim higher.

On 17-8-2010 19:21:11 from web

Bored. I wish a celebrity would beat somebody up.

On 17-8-2010 19:40:54 from web

Sunny coming at you on the 16th of Sept; bitches my balls is on fiiiiiyaaar! Waaaaa Hoooo

On 18-8-2010 05:52:17 from web

#ChuckNorriz does not have an iPod. He has a ChuckPod
Sometimes Freedom means tolerating things you hate; like a Muslim center near Ground Zero, Flag Burning, or Jonas Brothers.

On 18-8-2010 18:11:49 from web

Do lesbians boycott the term boycott?

On 18-8-2010 18:21:32 from web

Can we officially start calling Cadillac Williams "Daewoo Williams" this season? Those AU days are OVER!
A punch in the face is life's Direct Message.

On 18-8-2010 18:23:34 from web

A law that made it illegal to lie about military medals has just been overturned. Also, my resumé just got interesting.

On 18-8-2010 18:32:42 from web

Dallas feels like this is where heat was born and raised.
You're getting old when you lose interest halfway through masturbating.

On 18-8-2010 18:49:55 from web

The mouth attachment for my Dyson vacuum cleaner can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Just asked a coworked if the flowers were from her lover. They were from the office because her father died. Apparently I signed the card.

On 18-8-2010 19:16:49 from web

if DMX had a twitter it would only get updated every 6 to 8 months

On 18-8-2010 19:30:57 from web

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth." ~Quincy Jones
Upset about the mosque near ground zero? Express your feelings in a cartoon depicting Muhammed.

On 18-8-2010 20:05:06 from web

RT @Jim_Hamilton: I can't believe Obama is letting Al Qaeda build a 32-story Calvin pissing on Ground Zero!!!

On 20-8-2010 05:42:54 from web

I've yet to hear a Top Chef contestant announce the time left in a challenge without sounding like an asshole.
I'm a dog person (they're easier to blame farts on)
I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ I'm on twitter, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet

On 20-8-2010 06:10:27 from web

I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ I'm on twitter, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet

On 20-8-2010 06:10:27 from web

"Eat Pray Love" was the worst movie I have ever seen and I've seen the entire Tyler Perry repertoire.

On 20-8-2010 06:14:41 from web

Instead of seeing "Eat Pray Love," I wish I had gotten diarrhea for 135 minutes.

On 20-8-2010 06:15:29 from web

"Eat Pray Love" made me hate white people.

On 20-8-2010 06:23:36 from web

RT @robhuebel Watching pre-season football is like trying to masturbate to the phone book.
sadly, i'm still hanging onto that "win the lottery and tell everyone to fuck off" plan.

On 20-8-2010 06:53:59 from web

I think I'm Big Meech, Larry Hoover/ Texas Whoppers, Hallelujah. #rickrosstweet

On 20-8-2010 07:02:37 from web

RT @UncleQuillis I think I'm Big Meech/ Larry Hoover. Bush's Baked Beans, run right through ya! #rickrosstweet <- DEAD!!

On 20-8-2010 07:16:07 from web

If I ever have to crap and vomit at the same time, I'm gonna refer to it as getting the "Eat Pray Loves."

On 20-8-2010 06:52:48 from web

I feel like dumb people have so many more witticisms memorized than I do. Respect.

On 20-8-2010 08:52:27 from web

Gave the man $40 for gas and drove off without pumping it. That's the way I roll. #iamanidiot
Congressmen Blast Roger Clemens for Lying; 'That's Our Job'

On 20-8-2010 12:23:11 from web

Whenever my friends pass out, I draw Glenn Beck on their face with a sharpie. I know it's immature but I just love drawing a big dick!

On 20-8-2010 13:14:51 from web

Flight crew introduced themselves. @eddiepepitone asked, "Where's the beer-loving fruit loop who goes down the slide?"
Sending a message on Twitter to me, "Be our fan on Facebook" is not only irrational but warrants a social media breakup.
Stupid weather app won't let me rate today's weather. For the record, I give it 2 stars.

On 20-8-2010 15:47:12 from web

"Bromance" and "chilax" just made it into the dictionary. That Webster is turning into a real douchebag.

On 20-8-2010 16:15:57 from web

(716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Wait... So did Roger Clemens kill Nicole brown Simpson? I'm confused.
Hey "amateur" skateboarders, why don't you work on pulling off a heel flip first before perfecting the wardrobe and the shitty attitude?

On 21-8-2010 18:14:06 from web

(847): I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck" http://ow.ly/2sGa3
No.1 rule of taking someone shopping. If u can't correctly pronounce the brand... U can't get it!
Watching televised golf is the equivalent of waiting to die.
#oddjobs The Lemon Squeezer in all the Red Lobster Commericals

On 21-8-2010 22:08:40 from web

RT @DrImperfect3 #oddjobs #oddjobs the 7th flag at Six Flags <- Brilliant.

On 21-8-2010 22:14:13 from web

Thinking of subscribing to US Magazine, just to keep up-to-the-minute on what not to give a flying frak about...
Is it possible to say "I'll be back" without doing the Arnold voice?

On 21-8-2010 22:41:23 from web

Hey guy dousing yourself in Axe® body spray to attract women: My dog thinks rolling around in a pile of shit attracts bitches too.
I just saw a police officer texting & driving his squad car is 102134 dekalb county. YEA I'M SNITCHING
♪Internet killed the video porn star!♫
Why is it every time I see a girl with a tiara on her head,I have to fight an overwhelming urge to smack it off their head.
The chicks on Bridezilla are always uglier than their bridesmades
Will be at UCF on Monday for freshman orientation, if you know what I mean. (I mean, helping to orient lost freshman, then screwing them)

On 22-8-2010 05:12:45 from web

Law and Order UTI #TerribleTV
AARP in Cincinnati #TerribleTV
When did Google become Haliburton?

On 22-8-2010 06:58:26 from web

Just finished writing a movie called "Suckit List." It's about all the women I want to meet before I die.

On 22-8-2010 08:04:18 from web

Good morning! It's 6:45. Just finished my 10k! On to wind sprints! Then the pool! I am a total fucking liar.

On 22-8-2010 11:18:44 from web

Sex would put me to sleep. I think Pussy has triptephin in it
When smug hipsters sneer at me, I want to shout "But I'm just like you! Except I applied myself and am happy with the resulting success!"
A neck tattoo is a good way to say, "your trust is unimportant to me."
Best Display of Self Control goes to Black folks that go on Judge Judy #CreativeEMMY
#CreativeEMMY Attention whore of the year, Lebron James. Accepting of his behalf, Brett Farve @roywoodjr
This asshole in Wendy's is making such a big deal of paying for his friends food! "No for real hommie I got this!" Its fucking Wendy's!
The Salmonella outbreak in eggs make me think that this could be a great bonus level for the Angry Birds app.

On 23-8-2010 06:45:33 from web

RT @M_somerville: Dear men with ponytails- Has anyone ever said "I really like your ponytail"?

On 23-8-2010 10:57:43 from web

Huge roof leak last night. Financial ass rape from roofer on tap this morning.

On 23-8-2010 11:51:12 from web

Which have you been with longer, your bank or your spouse?
Does the fountain of youth and the fountain of knowledge come from the same fictitious underground stream? ~ Don Rickles
So much rosemary. So little thyme.
is it me or is CVS like Toys R Us for adults? you buy stuff that fixes your mood for about...20 minutes.
San Francisco should take some inspiration from Johnsonville when choosing a new city motto. "Johnsonville: sausage is all we do"
Happy Monday, everybody. Today's "Clip of the Day" is by @nickthune http://bit.ly/9Kog5o

On 23-8-2010 17:04:37 from web

BP, the cash you're spending on ads about how you're helping people in the Gulf would be better spent actually helping people in the Gulf.
I hope someday that rappers get some self-confidence.

On 23-8-2010 17:34:56 from web

Don't say "Oh, you've got one in the oven" to a pregnant Jewish lady.
#DrunkUncleQuotes "I put the 'unk' in drunk"
RT @everythingro "U don't need no alarm clock-My Bills wake me up n the mornin!" #DrunkUncleQuotes<- LOL !

On 23-8-2010 18:35:37 from web

To the guy who cut in line at the coffee shop: I got your license plate number. See you later.
I'm convinced that Snooki is the 8th Dwarf named "Sloppy".

On 23-8-2010 19:01:04 from web

Just saw a Prius w/ the vanity plate: MYBRID. Bet they're SUPER FUN AT PARTIES.
I bet Bill Belichick has used info from his daughter's diary against her.

On 23-8-2010 19:16:40 from web

I'd like to suggest that people stop suggesting I like things on Facebook.
Whenever I see someone wearing those Dr. Dre headphones, I think "well, there goes someone who isn't good at spending money."

On 23-8-2010 21:14:57 from web

Don't ask me why I was looking up "diarrhea" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, just know that one of its synonyms is "Delhi Belly."
Too much computer time has my eyes dizzy, chicks on my facebook r beggin for my jizzy, damn I'm busy, the white P diddy or I might be biggie

On 23-8-2010 21:42:44 from web

RT @ladymisskate: Watching Friends. LIKE A ROSS.
Don't underestimate me. Underapproximate me.
RT @irokfashion: Whoever invented cookies is a fucking genius.
Dear Douche Bag wearing sunglasses in the grocery store, You are achieving the opposite effect of your goal.
Having your umbrella blown inside out is more embarrassing than it should be.
Basketball Wives should be renamed to Purposeless Bitches.

On 24-8-2010 06:28:29 from web

I'll bet the hardest part of being famous is pretending you don't want to smack Ryan Seacrest.

On 24-8-2010 07:36:37 from web

I love how porn stars call the pornos they are in "movies". Uh, you were in a porno, not "The English Patient".

On 24-8-2010 09:34:07 from web

I'm in Cape Cod but it feels more like I'm in November.

On 24-8-2010 13:38:04 from web

They should have consulted me waaay before this whole egg recall thing. I can spot a damaged chick from across the room.
Wendy Williams is built like Ray Lewis I think I saw her make 3 tackles in a preseason game this weekend.

On 24-8-2010 14:02:06 from web

When the office cookie jar is empty, I find I can always manage to scrape together the equivalent of half an oreo by shaking out my keyboard
Husband: Sometimes I think I just need to stop reading your tweets. Just for the sake of our marriage.
If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.
In a twist of irony, the line at the EZPass office is the longest wait known to man. They could use an ezpass lane http://twitpic.com/2ht38t
U ever lift weights that are so heavy that when u lift it u fart?...No?...Me either. Lol.
Think traffic in LA is bad. Check out this 9 day, 100km jam in China happening right now: http://bit.ly/9DQm1B

On 24-8-2010 18:39:37 from web

I dare the Red Hot Chili Peppers not to sing about California for one year! #thegreatrhcpchallenge2010
I think we can safely rule out any guy with hair highlights to be a terrorist. Too much work to turn around and blow himself up.
Txtin while driving is dangerous. Drivin while watching a movie + using a sex toy & smoking crack = Evel Knievel http://tinyurl.com/24sk6es

On 24-8-2010 19:12:46 from web

Dear NFL I apologize for tweeting during the game but that was 2 monthsof my Bugatti payments you just took from me,I won't do it again
Feels like just yesterday that I was parked outside my ex-wife's office crying, when in reality it was 2 day ago.
Cable guy asked to use my bathroom, I told him it would be open sometime between 6 and midnight
"She saw the size of my shoes and GOD, I know I could never live up to that!"

On 24-8-2010 20:35:09 from web

Beware of saying, "Damn it!" around beavers.

On 25-8-2010 06:11:12 from web

Johnny Damon turns down trade to Red Sox from Detroit. Marking the first time anyone wanted to stay in Detroit.
Has a black person ever been attacked by a shark?

On 25-8-2010 06:24:35 from web

RT @TheDanPeckShow samuel L jackson in "Deep Blue Sea", first and only known death of black guy via sharkbite @garyowencomedy

On 25-8-2010 06:28:32 from web

@roywoodjr #blackhorrordeaths Cane in Menace 2 Society, I know it wasnt no horror film but that part used to haunt me

On 25-8-2010 07:42:34 from web in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

#blackhorrormoviedeaths Tales from the Hood had the best line in black horror movie history.. "Welcome to hell muthafukkaaaaasssssssssssss"

On 25-8-2010 07:46:38 from web

RT @TheDanPeckShow #BlackHorrorMovieDeaths Michael Jackson, "This is It" #EndOfTheTrend <- Agreed. I'm done. No one can top that one. LOL!

On 25-8-2010 08:09:09 from web

@roywoodjr just reading your #BlackHorrorMovieDeaths TT. You know LL has a clause in contracts to where he doesn't die in films. #Badass

On 25-8-2010 13:24:29 from web in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

Hahahahahaha!! RT @chrisdelia: Hey, Paul Walker. Matthew McConaughey called. He wants his Lorenzo Lamas back.
If the Dalai Lama really wants to inspire he should post more sweet porn links.
The egg recall sounds like the biggest Easter egg hunt ever.

On 25-8-2010 15:31:22 from web

Yo I ate a egg and my dick fell off!
@roywoodjr @BostonShawn LL Cool J would survive The Perfect Storm, defying the stereotype about blacks & swimming... in a storm #LLCLAUSE

On 25-8-2010 15:23:02 from web in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

I'm still in bed. awesome or super awesome?
Aint even no money in rapping for real.
The problem with make up sex is that you have to actually make up.
Who you calling "Native Americans"?! We prefer "Native American-Americans."

On 25-8-2010 16:33:48 from web

Can't tweet now, I'm on the elliptical! #thenhowdidyoutweetthat

On 25-8-2010 16:39:45 from web

#youknowwhatsannoying when black people act like niggas in front of white people. Be a nigga at home
Today in 1931, Regis Philbin was born. He is the oldest and most annoying of all the Muppets.
"Who's that actor?" "I don't know, and I may never know." (Watching TV Before the Internet)

On 25-8-2010 17:33:38 from web

"Girl you have enough junk in your trunk for AT LEAST two episodes of Antique Roadshow!" #failedpickuplines

On 26-8-2010 04:40:59 from web

real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

On 26-8-2010 04:57:01 from web

I remember when I used to want to be just like Mase, around 98 I would run around the house saying " hey mama, won't u come here to papa"
Probably not a good sign for a relationship when you encourage your date to use the phone during dinner.
I've never grown up. I've just stopped hiding what I did from my parents and started hiding it from my kids.

On 26-8-2010 05:47:25 from web

'Tis better to be followed and unfollowed than never to be followed at all.

 

Came up with an emoticon for shitting. You're welcome! --> 3~~

On 26-8-2010 10:35:50 from web

 

I can't decide if it's cheaper to pay my doctor's bill or to hire a defense attorney to represent me after I burn their practice down.

On 26-8-2010 13:41:48 from web

 

You know, I try to dress my age but it’s very hard to find fig leaves.

On 26-8-2010 14:37:17 from web

 

Only a cock would call cockroaches "palmetto bugs".

 

"Real beauty is on the inside" - a vagina

 

virgin drinks are the opposite of hard drinks, but virgin isn't the opposite of hard. PS easy is the opposite of hard AND virgin.

On 26-8-2010 17:34:26 from web

 

I just diagnosed myself with Restless Dick Syndrome

 

Got a new definition for dudes that think they're cool but aren't. They're now called "Catchyalaters". So, who's your favorite Catchyalater?

On 27-8-2010 08:53:03 from web

 

Having a shit day???? Check this out!...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8rxXamfh5c

On 27-8-2010 10:44:55 from web

 

The quietest swear word? Sh-h-h-h-h-h-hit.

 

Glenn Beck should be the poster boy FOR abortion.

 

Kudos to the guy who stood behind the Today Show hosts all morning and held up a sign that said "Snow Balls." A true WTF moment!

 

That cookie was way too strong yesterday. I'm done with pot for a few hours. @

 

Want to turn a ho into a housewife? That only works in Scrabble®.

On 27-8-2010 15:00:08 from web

 

I can no longer tell whether a rapper is kidding or not. Translation: Rap is no longer good.

On 27-8-2010 15:54:26 from web

 

(701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

On 27-8-2010 16:14:24 from web

 

"Hey, guys. It's time to woman-up." (Never Said Phrases)

On 27-8-2010 16:57:32 from web

 

I wanna be just famous enough for someone to make a "@NotDreCrumbs" Twitter account.

 

"Once a dude take the playstation out the house. He is done with you ladies." @roywoodjr is too funny http://t.co/qRnHNZl

 

FACT: If you hear Tone Loc's "Wild Thing" in the morning, it will be in your head ALL DAY.

 

It's good luck if a bird shits on you. It's AMAZING luck if you can return the favor.

On 27-8-2010 17:37:39 from web

 

Dear Hip Hop artists: You've got the whole rest of the world to wreck, leave Twitter alone.

 

Couldn't decide if my schedule would fit a 2nd job but I got one at the clock factory so I can make the time.

On 27-8-2010 19:32:42 from web

 

Any chance the next stop on @GlennBeck's "I'm Just Like MLK Jr. Tour" is a motel in Tennessee?

On 27-8-2010 19:49:55 from web

 

Cabby has a prescription rear view mirror! Wow that's a first

On 28-8-2010 15:04:48 from web

 

Sometimes I think that the people who work at Wal-Mart are as ashamed as I am to be shopping there.

 

Just found out my girlfriend spells donut "doughnut." I am now questioning everything

 

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this Glenn BecKKK is really OKKK! Do you thinkKKK? (<They'll never cracKKK my code.)

On 28-8-2010 16:05:50 from web

 

Shout out to @ogochocinco I love watching you play nigga catch the ball. Fuck that catch the ball

 

@PatGodwin Make sure you follow @50cent ... he just tweeted about finding a black girl to do anal and his grandma getting an abortion

 

@ogochocinco are you retarted nigga I said I love the way you play

On 28-8-2010 17:14:57 from ÜberTwitter in reply to Chad Ochocinco

 

Man I love being me I just do what the fuck I wanta do who ever don't like it can kiss my black ass

 

Pot, alcohol, coke, sex tapes; I think Paris would be pretty fun to hang out with.

 

Having coke in Vegas is not a real crime, right? Doesn't Southwest give you an eight ball when you land there?

 

Obamas ratings are down cause he didn't include pimpin and hoein in stimulus package. Good hoes would boost male moral and fix the recession

 

Shit I should run america. first thing I'd do is cut my taxes then tell yal chill the fuck out ima get to the rest of the problems

 

Just started following @50cent. Scared.

On 28-8-2010 19:34:43 from web

 

Go Bananas in Cincinnati has it all figured out. God bless this place. http://twitpic.com/2j3db4

 

Hypochondriac Thought for the Day: Is that sweat dripping down the back of my leg...or blood?

 

Oh, cool you're at a pre-emmy party? Nice. I took a dump today. That's something too.

On 28-8-2010 20:32:38 from web

 

Back home after watching two scoreless soccer games. I may rob a bank just to get my heart rate up.

On 28-8-2010 20:34:18 from web

 

The higher the heel the worse the childhood.

 

"I'm feelin this dude...yes homo" -#thegayrapper

 

paris was caught w/ cocaine. She better chill or she may spend another tough 6 minutess in jail. #Smh

 

Hey don't drink milk in public.

 

The only reason I eat shrimp, is because I like coctail sauce :-/

 

On my way to Cincinnati; when ever I think that it makes me feel like I'm a traveling salesman. [I suppose in a way I am?:)]

 

Strip Clubs are like broken lady zoos.

 

Of all my addictions, Twitter is both the funniest and the saddest.

 

 

 

A man should never say "bye bye" when hangin up the phone w/another nigga

 

A year ago someone who said "I'm the mayor of Kentucky Fried Chicken" was an insane old homeless man. Now he's a hipster teen with an iPhone

On 29-8-2010 19:23:31 from web

Not having Goodfellas would be worth it if it also meant not having the 50,000 guidos who modeled their personalities on those characters.

On 29-8-2010 19:49:11 from web

More thoughts on Tiger and Elin’s break-up: Why is it that a divorce becomes final but never a marriage.

On 29-8-2010 20:44:49 from web

On a scale of 1 to Kat Stacks how often do you seek attention

 

Christina Hendricks' tits are nuts. #bignaturals #breastsnballz

 

Watching the Emmys. Pulling for Cheaters.

 

If Julie Bowen and Maria Menounos rubbed their stick bodies together it would start a fire

 

I'm #livetweeting from under January Jones's dress. #emmys

 

There's a reason that they're called "Writers" and not "Talkers"... #Emmys

On 30-8-2010 00:23:02 from web

 

Judge Greg Mathis #ShouldveWonAnEmmy Best Edge-Up in a Supporting Role.

On 30-8-2010 00:32:28 from web

 

Lebron James #shouldvewonanemmy 4 best waste of time special on ESPN. Runner up- Brett Favre

 

Best Cable Comedy Writing Emmy went to Time-Warner for claiming in an eStatement that they value their customers.

 

Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream, people.

 

Emmy party update: Betty White farted and it smells like strawberries and sunshine.

On 30-8-2010 07:47:52 from web

 

Congrats to all of the rich, famous people who are now richer and more famous thanks to tonight's Emmy wins. #thingsthatmatter

On 30-8-2010 08:59:59 from web

 

At an airport early morning. #DontEataMcGriddleAzizYouWillRegretIt

 

Oh yeah, if you to hard to smile or you a thug of some sort make today WAMW Monday= Wish A Mothafucka Would try me on monday #positive

On 30-8-2010 11:52:52 from web

 

Badass marine sitting next to me helped with my bag and called me mam. I think I dishonorably discharged

 

I've been asked this a lot today, so everyone listen up. For the record: Yes, I want to display unsecure items.

On 30-8-2010 14:42:35 from web

 

Two grown men share this house, which means we don't buy more toilet paper until we've run out of paper towels.

 

My leg is on fire. ROTF

On 30-8-2010 15:40:03 from web

 

(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

 

I can't believe it's been 5 years since Tyler Perry's Hurricane Katrina.

 

Dr. Oz looks too much like Mr. Bean for me to take seriously.

On 31-8-2010 13:29:14 from web

 

I was making a bad joke but I actually think a good name for a new bar would be Chin-Up Bar.

On 31-8-2010 15:40:57 from web

 

Lindsay Lohans mistreatment is front page news, as it should be. God bless America

 

I want to have sex with roughly 9 out of every 8 women I encounter.

 

Is Wendy Williams Oprah's son?
]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/august10-updates/feed/ 0 August 2010 Roundup http://www.funny-tweets.com/august-10tweets/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/august-10tweets/#comments Mon, 16 Aug 2010 17:08:07 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1246

Funny-Tweets.com tries to update the website with a new post around the 1st and 15th of each month.  This post covers what has happened in Funny on the Twitterverse over the last 15 days of August.  Thank you for stopping by and please follow us on Twitter or Grab our attention with your own funny tweet at

YourFunnyTweets

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The words "Illegal" and "Sexual" very much change the meaning of Alien Versus Predator.
Tired of songs that say Girl, drop it like it's hot. I want one that says Boy, brush your teeth, give me your jacket, I'm fucking freezing

On 2-8-2010 12:06:49 from web

It's so hot here today, I only came to work because it's air-conditioned...
Anyone who poses on the cover of Lowrider Magazine is in the running for "Person Least Vital to Society".

On 2-8-2010 22:16:58 from web

@terrellowens Shrek get off the phone with Fiona and lets go get a workout in before practice, i am in the weight room waiting, cmon son

On 2-8-2010 22:27:50 from web in reply to Terrell Owens

I just read my Impala rental car has a "roomy trunk" so I will leave "nothing-and no one-behind." Chevy suggests I put people in the trunk?

On 2-8-2010 22:29:35 from web

I just don't see what's wrong with being a cougar. I mean at my age there's no one else left for me to date.

On 2-8-2010 22:52:13 from web

C'mon eminen, how about one song where you're happy about something.

On 2-8-2010 23:02:34 from web

On the plane I sat behind the asshole British judge from America's Got Talent. I wanted to insult him. I'm a pussy, so I didn't.
So bad, but so true! RT @GaryJBusey Women, in order to raise a child, you must first raise a penis.
In his first day since stepping down from BP, Tony Hayward took a shit in his neighbor's pool.

On 3-8-2010 13:05:19 from web

Leaving Portland this city has the most homeless white kids. No excuse thats being extra lazy.

On 3-8-2010 15:08:28 from web

Brett Favre could be lying dead in a coffin and I still wouldn't believe he's retiring.
Thinking ESPN's 7-hour Favre special called "The In-Decision" will air soon. Sponsors: Wrangler, Sears & AARP

On 3-8-2010 15:23:59 from web

Brett Farve to "retire." By "retire," he means "play football." By "play football" he means "not play football."

On 3-8-2010 15:49:42 from web

Brett Favre Retirement talk = Rappers saying this is their "last" CD
When Mexicans come in America they should at least give them a brochure on what's not in style anymore
Me: "Isn't it kind of early for a drink?" Dad: "If you knew the people I work with, you'd wonder why I don''t have a drink with breakfast."

On 3-8-2010 19:48:51 from web

Retweeting is like jerking off. It's not the original thing, but it's close enough and I'm tired.
In case you haven't heard, Brett Favre Swears He's Retiring, Scout's Honor, No Takesies-Backsies http://thisorth.at/blog/15
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience ... well, that comes from poor judgment.

On 3-8-2010 20:40:47 from web

"Hide your kids, hide your wife & hide your husband 'cause they rapin' everybody out here." -Antoine Dodson http://r.FunnyOrDie.com/tknty

On 3-8-2010 21:54:57 from web

Is anyone else noticing that there is a TON of awesome cleavage in Los Angeles today?
Interesting. RT @jeffreypjacobs: The Origin of Twitter's "Fail Whale" http://is.gd/dYjUj
"An American Trilogy" is actually about cheeseburgers, Cadillacs, and a fistful of uppers..
The pay phones in Blade Runner are SOOO futuristic!
(925): It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time ... http://ow.ly/2jPJc
Ghetto Superheroes exist! I present unto you, Queen FlameSheka! http://twitpic.com/2bcy2e
A comic saying another comic is a "Nice guy" is the same as a girl telling you her female friend has a "Great personality"

On 3-8-2010 22:46:41 from web

I might have to unfollow my own brother. RT @taylorhughes: I just unlocked the "Photogenic" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/bh07yF
As a Jew by birth, I reflect on the marriage of Chelsea Clinton and can't help feeling deep down - "heh, heh - we got another one". :P

On 4-8-2010 06:07:25 from web

Something that's always stuck with me is how Paul Giamatti says "pain-da-butt" instead of "pain in the butt"" in Private Parts. Just sayin.

On 4-8-2010 06:25:07 from web

The Flaming Vicks #indiefantasyfootballteams

On 4-8-2010 07:20:26 from web

I beat up 6 sharks today. While banging a mermaid. #sharkweek

On 4-8-2010 07:34:27 from web

This is what happens when you throw a brick in a washing machine http://youtu.be/307jRiE6t5I
#ChuckNorriz beat Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder in a staring contest. At the same time.
Great start to the morning with a surprise NFL random drug test, i love when they do this, it gives me a chance to piss excellence 4 them
Last night I found a little sushi place and ate dinner alone while reading a book and trying to look like the person I was pretending to be.
on a serious note, when vegans give blowjobs are they allowed to swallow?
Watching old Asians try to function in modern-day America is hours of priceless entertainment.
The look on a kid’s face when he drops an ice cream cone is the same look an adult has when he drops a kid.

On 4-8-2010 16:59:56 from web

(334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

On 4-8-2010 17:05:44 from web

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

On 4-8-2010 17:32:46 from web

BREAKING: Hero Pigeon Shits On A-Rod's Face During 600th-Home-Run Trot
600 home runs is the new 400 home runs.

On 4-8-2010 17:58:44 from web

Interruption breeds isolation // RT @KanyeWest Limitation spawns innovation
maybe no one likes you because you end every sentence with "and so..."

On 4-8-2010 18:15:55 from web

Jay Leno cracking jokes about Brett Favre's indecisiveness is like The Hills criticizing Jersey Shore for being shallow. (via @Schindizzle)

On 4-8-2010 18:16:26 from web

Todays mid-day meeting is about DUI, the film example they are using is Mr Turner being arrested, hilarious, please youtube this
hahaha the video that @OGOchoCinco is talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tramh0n4o9U

On 4-8-2010 18:23:52 from web

You ever love somebody so much you fucking stab them in the windpipe? Nope Eminem, I have not. Usually when I love somebody we just have sex

On 4-8-2010 18:26:53 from web

Precious is just Barney in a Grimace costume.

On 4-8-2010 18:40:43 from web

I had something damning to say about Post-It notes, but I can't remember what it was.
"I think a lot of families could benefit from a butler, they don't have to be all fancy and taught in England, just a mexican." -H. McDonald

On 4-8-2010 19:43:22 from web

Congratulations to steroids on yet another home run record!

On 4-8-2010 20:11:32 from web

It pretty much makes the same sound. Right? RT @DanaJGould Never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

On 4-8-2010 20:12:35 from web

Without a doubt, the sickest basketball shot I've EVER seen. These Alabama boys got serious game...http://tinyurl.com/ydbefrz

On 4-8-2010 20:19:14 from web

WILL'S MAN TIP 46. If you have more than three close female friends, you're a female.

 

Girl wearing only a shirt: adorably hot. Guy wearing only a shirt: a nightmare. Why the double standard, SOCIETY???

On 4-8-2010 20:33:30 from web

there once was a man from nantuckett.. who got his ass beat for being from nantuckett

On 4-8-2010 20:39:33 from web

 

Celtics got @THE_REAL_SHAQ KG Ray Allen Paul Pierce can u say Hot Tub Time Machine 2001

On 4-8-2010 20:42:05 from web

You know who the real winners in the repeal of Prop 8 are? Divorce lawyers. #NoH8

 

Reading the Wikipedia entry for "Trapper Keeper" at 1:48 AM because OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?
It doesn't matter if the marriage is same sex. When you get married, sex isn't the same.

On 5-8-2010 06:32:09 from web

 

It's crazy the women can put their ass and tits in pix and everybody think it's cute, but if we put our dicks in pix we're a pervert.

On 5-8-2010 06:39:16 from web

"Checking In" on Foursquare is basically just begging strangers to come rape you.

On 5-8-2010 10:32:15 from web

 

Friends! Instead of yelling "Fuck!" or "Son of a Bitch!," try yelling "Jennifer's Biscuits!" It's just as satisfying.
I'm at a school supplies drive and it ain't no black kids here trying to get school supplies...the black kids in the studio rappin n singin
Rudy Giuliani's daughter wasn't shoplifting; she was "freedom buying."

 

Alcoholics are the easiest to buy a gift for.
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants, and get the hell out. I didn't want to get drilled anyway.
Wyclef Jean owes $2.1 million in taxes to the IRS. So now we know he's qualified to be a politician.

On 5-8-2010 20:48:31 from web

I don't know how they do it but girls working in clothing stores make "Hi, how are you" sound more aggressive than friendly.
Every time I talk to someone I'm secretly thinking "I better get a tweet out of this."
Looking at a sign that says "ATM machine." So, it's an automated teller machine machine?!
don't be the girl who says "i don't get along with other girls." all women hate each other; you're just too lazy to fake it.

On 6-8-2010 05:54:17 from web

That McDonald's commercial sucked so bad it made me racist, but the ethnicity of the actors is so vague I don't know who to hate.

On 6-8-2010 06:10:31 from web

If you're looking for a sugar daddy every other Friday, I am your man.

On 6-8-2010 06:28:05 from web

Prop 8 is totally fucking gay.

On 6-8-2010 07:08:52 from web

BP has finally cemented the hole shut. At least we know where there is oil now...and apparently an endless supply!
Wanna talk shit about old people? They're not on here.

On 6-8-2010 08:15:28 from web

Not sure if there's an award for "hottest woman seen eating Chicken McNuggets on a train," but I think I have a nominee.
Just saw an elegant woman riding a bmx bike in high heels. Winner of the whatthefuck contest!
Next thing you know, gays will want to take over all our musical theatre.

On 7-8-2010 02:51:30 from web

Tila Tequila denies sex tape rumors. Good. When most Asians talk about doggie-style it usually means how they want their dinner prepared!

On 7-8-2010 03:17:26 from web

I like to show pictures of my kids before I let someone see me in a bikini that way they'll understand the sacrifice.

On 7-8-2010 04:57:44 from web

At what age do I inherit "old man strength"?
Twitter: Because people in real life suck.