Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:04:07 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 September & Start of Fall Twitter Roundup http://www.funny-tweets.com/september-201/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/september-201/#comments Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:04:07 +0000 YourFunnyTweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1351

This post covers the 2nd half of September 2010 and inlcudes a variety of jokes and humor styles.


I get funny tweets sent via email, re-tweet, my timeline and the @ feature and post them on the blog so follow or get my attention at YourFunnyTweets.

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"The only thing thout shall burn is dried up Marijuana" - hippie looking white @Jesus with the sandals commenting on the Koran burnings

TLC renewed "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." for a 4th season. They're also debuting a show for dads- "I Didn't Know That Was Her Vagina.

On 16-9-2010 07:19:36 from web

There is no sexy way to get out a wedgie.

On 16-9-2010 07:55:08 from web

Line of the night while catching up on mutual friends, "OMG, she's like... an adult & everything - like a real adult."

On 16-9-2010 09:28:48 from web

Within in the last few weeks, I've reintegrated the words "tight" and "bummer" into my daily vocabulary, which is both tight and a bummer.

I know crack is bad and all, but you can't deny it's weight loss benefits. #tradeoffs

On 16-9-2010 12:22:57 from web

I'm closer to 0 followers than a million. Stay humble or eat a dick. Or eat a humble dick, or a bumble bees humble pee

On 16-9-2010 12:51:56 from web

Truth is there's a better chance that you'll live than die so why live like your bout to die?

Report: More Colleges Offering Dick-Around Abroad Programs #backtoschool http://onion.com/9UmLnf

How did people develop Narcissistic personality disorder before Facebook?

On 16-9-2010 13:51:30 from web

White people?

On 16-9-2010 14:35:17 from web

What it's like to see a movie with my mom (via MyKoreanMom.com): http://bit.ly/c8Vbs0

My man dwight howard filed a 500,000,000 lawsuit on his baby mama good fuck that bitch she shouldn't be running her mouth

Write this down: You can have anything you want in life. But you can't have everything you want in life. So true.

I drive a chrysler 300 #reallymeans I want a Bentley but cant afford it

On 16-9-2010 20:21:03 from web

I'm trying to gauge the black/white demographic of Hartford, but I'm in a Wal-Mart, so my results are skewed.

Could get you a lot of exposure #reallymeans we not trying to pay you for your talent.

Jiffy lubes motto should be "its always more than just an oil change"

Bomb scare at Eiffel Tower a false alarm. Out of habit, gov’t officials took no chances and quickly surrendered to the Germans!

On 16-9-2010 22:05:23 from web

For some men, "clit" usually means Can't Locate IT.

Hating everything saves time.

When you wear your heart on your sleeve, make sure your shirt is f'ing dope.

Things Just Yelled At Me Getting Chinese Takeout: "Scuze me lady... I got your crabs!"

On 17-9-2010 08:35:02 from web

The only personal growth I've had this year is around my waistline.

On 17-9-2010 09:19:17 from web

The trouble with popes visiting is if you try and be a good host, they'll try to eat you

I think coffee isnt enough anymore. I need something edgier but legal.

On 17-9-2010 10:09:54 from web

Don Johnson didn't start the Sport Coat over a T-Shirt look, Frankenstein did.

On 17-9-2010 11:37:39 from web

When you have a flask, every hour is happy hour.

On 18-9-2010 15:24:19 from web

finds it weird that my dog is very particular about where he pees, but will poop anywhere. In that regard, we couldn't be more opposite.

On 18-9-2010 15:40:32 from web

Dream Log 9/18/10: Sang karaoke with high school football coach. Invented guns. Looked in mirror and saw polar bear with wings and horns.

"Are you gonna tweet that?" - everyone I know

And the award for the most unsettling children's book goes to... http://yfrog.com/6ctsbmj

Just got book and TV deal based on S**T My Monkeys Say. Nice! G’nite.

On 19-9-2010 00:01:31 from web

"You should tweet that" is the new "write that down"

On 18-9-2010 18:06:47 from web

People who have more sex than me are so fucked.

On 19-9-2010 00:24:48 from web

Time for someone to make a map connecting various song locations: Boogie Wonderland, Funkytown, Detroit Rock City, 7/4 (Shoreline), etc.

Guy on the subway just called me "Mad Men titties." Congrats, AMC, on reaching the coveted Train Creep demographic.

On 19-9-2010 21:08:37 from web

The sound of football reminds me of my dad ignoring me.

On 19-9-2010 21:45:12 from web

Fuck it. From now on I'm calling boobs "Bazongaz".

On 19-9-2010 21:45:55 from web

Studies find top 3 most stressful moments in people's lives: death, divorce, and properly pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce".

Just when you think the world can't be a dumber place, a man walks in to Footlocker and asks a guy dressed like a referee if he works there.

On 19-9-2010 22:47:25 from web

Morgan Freeman & Maya Angelou r the same person..

I'm going to make my own version of EAT PRAY LOVE. It's gonna be called EAT SMOKE EAT. #DougLovesMovies #DougLovesMarijuana #Moviejuana

On 19-9-2010 23:45:13 from web

I wear bandanas #becauseImAGangsta. I wear 3 bandanas at once because I'm Peyton Manning's head.

On 20-9-2010 00:49:18 from web

Watching an incredible documentary about two Armenian-American women and their struggle to open a boutique in Miami.

I just saw Michael Phelps. I can't be totally sure but he was driving a Mercedes SUV, had eight gold medals, and smelled like America.

One asshole friend has all my lighters.

On 20-9-2010 01:44:29 from web

I hold my Nintendo gun sideways when I'm playing Duck Hunt #becauseimagangsta

On 20-9-2010 04:14:51 from web

The zit on my forehead is throbbing like a tiny dance club.

The most unrealistic thing about "The Jetsons" is that everyone in the future is so thin.

On 20-9-2010 05:58:29 from web

"It's OK Grandma, if I was 91 I wouldn't say anything after I farted either. You earned it."

On 20-9-2010 07:12:41 from web

#IHaveAFriend who's black, so I am not racist. #thingsthatracistpeoplesay

On 20-9-2010 07:26:15 from web

Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

On 20-9-2010 08:15:22 from web

I just printed 10 bios and headshots so I can mail them to 1998.

On 20-9-2010 09:00:59 from web

I wanted to fulfill @TerminalSingles request of 'bringing my A game' but I am hoping my Double D game will suffice! Happy Birthday!

lmao, i go to get the belt to put a lil fear in the kids, they beat me to the belts and hid them, they are not taking me serious #failing

On 20-9-2010 15:17:32 from web

Any Oil co. that can afford nat'l TV commercials about how they shouldn't pay more taxes can afford to pay more taxes.

On 20-9-2010 15:31:33 from web

I always thought "squatting" meant taking a dump on the floor of an abandoned house.

On 20-9-2010 15:37:03 from web

Wearing a fedora walks a fine line between "classic cool" and "the world would be a better place if this person was violently murdered".

#ChuckNorriz was the original casting for Jack Bauer in 24, he was replaced after killing all terrorists in only 37 seconds.

(740): Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party

On 20-9-2010 16:34:31 from web

Let's attack the day!!!! (by day I mean jews) (by jews I mean hispanic people) (by people I mean pinatas)

On 20-9-2010 16:39:21 from web

The saddest science field of all time has to be cry-ogenics.

Any movie with Ben but without Matt Damon shall be deemed a Ben Halfleck production.

The breasts are the paper weights of the soul.

On 20-9-2010 23:29:12 from web

Runyon Canyon- a new cologne that smells of dog piss, dust and unemployment. On sale daily in LA.

Why did the potato chip go to the police? It was asalted.

7 Unintentionally Racist Products (That Hopefully Led To Major Firings) http://r.FunnyOrDie.com/dtnjz

On 21-9-2010 00:20:38 from web

Pessimists want to dump that half full glass on optimists' heads.

Why can women can pour hot wax on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider?

On 21-9-2010 05:44:30 from web

James Bond. Great spy? Or guy who gets captured every mission.

On 21-9-2010 06:14:23 from web

If a fat person wears them...they can no longer be called "skinny" jeans.

On 21-9-2010 06:41:07 from web

I want Ryan Reynolds buried in my box!

On 21-9-2010 07:24:41 from web

"Do you take Discover card?" "Do you take beaver pelts?"

On 21-9-2010 08:07:42 from web

Oh come now. NO WAY that really happened! RT @50cent "I just left the studio. On my way to the crib. True story"

A yal be on twitter meeting each other. Then yal be fucking this shit is crazy. I wanta find me a bad bitch on twitter. Lol

getting a whole load of pics off my camera. apparently for me 2010 has been the "year of the drunken thumbs up"

On 21-9-2010 09:30:32 from web

Reading 50cents tweets make me stupider..see? I wrote stupider instead of even more stupid.

Always avoid geographically named women.....Dallas....Dakota....Paris....Everest

On 21-9-2010 13:18:41 from web

Paris Hilton is over being a party girl. No word yet on whether she's done being a laughing stock.

A fart is just a shit screaming for help.

On 21-9-2010 18:39:24 from web

If someone wants to fight for our country, I don't care how many dicks they've sucked. That goes for dudes, too. #DontAskDontTellIsDumb

Just saw an ad for something Betty White isn't in!

Me: Mom, what should I be for Halloween this year? Mom: Sober.

On 21-9-2010 19:29:35 from web

It takes real courage to suck another man's cock. And any man who can do it can damn well defend the nation I love.

Attention 50+yr old Men: Whoever told you that its "cool" to wear your cellphone on your belt was lying.

Today in 1937, "The Hobbit" was published. JRR Tolkein wrote it after smoking WAY too much halfling leaf.

A Chicago man was arrested after he tried to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. Pretty unnecessary. The Cubs wrote the book on bombing.

On 21-9-2010 20:18:48 from web

The whitest thing I do is buy my jeans at Banana Republic and when I talk to a white bitch, I'm all "Hey Amanda, how was your tennis lesson"

On 21-9-2010 20:39:11 from web

Melanoma sounds like a valley in Southern California.

Today in 2004, Green Day released "American Idiot." In Europe, it's simply called "Idiot," as "American Idiot" is considered repetitive.

Indie Girls Gone Wild! http://r.FunnyOrDie.com/bxkes

On 21-9-2010 21:13:02 from web

Swag = Silly Wannabes Acting Gangster. So yeah, go get your "swag" on.

On 21-9-2010 21:26:38 from web

Behind every Great Man is a Woman who thinks he's a Turd.

@roywoodjr not for nothing, but was it you that said Andy Reid looks like a White Bennie Siegal?

On 21-9-2010 23:17:08 from web in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

Bishop Eddie Long is accused of molesting young boys...Even tho he DOES have a porn name...I dont believe the rumors

Dear Mr. Grocery Store Security Guard, Why do you have a bluetooth? You're 67 years old. #40AndUnderTweet

On 22-9-2010 05:11:11 from web

If you think about it, isn't owning an actual NFL team the same as playing real life Fantasy Football?

On 22-9-2010 05:36:44 from web

I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

On 22-9-2010 05:56:51 from web

Hey "Real Sex" on HBO, get hotter people in the show obviously.

Ahh, the first day of autumn. Finally, decorative gourd season has arrived!

On 22-9-2010 12:16:26 from web

"How the fuck does she change her tampon?"-my wife watching a quad amputee on oprah.

in the seven days i've known about the Chik-Fil-A right off of USC, i've had Chik-Fil-A for eight meals

On 23-9-2010 04:03:12 from web

Abbreviating shit that doesn't have an agreed upon abbreviation, or need one, is the shit! (Agreed = ag'd.)

Truly. Life is confusing. Why do I have a baby AND a baseball bat right now?

#ChuckNorriz and Superman once made a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underpants on the outside.

It doesn't matter who wears the pants in the relationship. If either of you are wearing pants you already fucked it up.

On 23-9-2010 12:28:17 from web

If grading on a curve, today is going to be a great day.

Gonna get a pot card or a gun license. Either way, it's gonna fix this whole "neighbor learning acoustic guitar" shit.

On 25-9-2010 09:59:39 from web

I'm gonna put my _____ in your ___ then ___ all over your _____. Then I'm gonna fucking ____ you! #madlibstweet

Considering putting myself up on ebay. Even I don't want Me anymore.

Had an amazing and memorable night last night - don't remember it. (cc @tfln)

"It was hot in L.A. today!" "HOW HOT WAS IT?" "So hot I still don't give a fuck about L.A."

On 27-9-2010 23:57:54 from web

I've got a double header scheduled for tomorrow. Dentist AND Shrink appointments.

On 28-9-2010 00:04:40 from web

I can't wait till season 25 of Mad Men when 1980s Don Draper chugs prune juice and has a hi-top fade and keyboard tie.

From now on when I send checks to AT&T Wireless I'm going to write "No Service..." where the dollar amount should go.

On 28-9-2010 00:25:04 from web

A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. Charles Gordy #quote :)

Through the eyes of NFL cameras, football crowds are made up of only hot women and douchebag super-fans.

I'm convinced! @Jaycutler is color blind! Lol

If women think they aren't meant to cook, then why do they have eggs and milk inside of them?

On 28-9-2010 04:58:17 from web

WARNING - Google is 12yrs old. In a year, when it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything.

On 28-9-2010 05:36:11 from web

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

On 28-9-2010 07:16:19 from web

When ChuckNorriz talks about "pumping iron" he is actually referring to masturbation.

Today needs an eject button.

On 28-9-2010 12:23:40 from web

Dear mushrooms, please put me back in the matrix.

I think bill collectors should team up with strippers to get there money. I wouldn't mind putting my minimum payment in a naked woman's ass.

The Democrats should find that guy who played Obama during the 2008 campaign. He was amazing.

bout to watch little shop of horrors. real nigga shit

On 28-9-2010 14:27:43 from web

Jim DeMint surpasses Bed Bugs as Americas number one pest.

Women with barely booty's: You ain't got a enough to rain on so I'll make it drizzle!

"We removed a crack-pipe from a dude's colon today." -email to me from a doctor friend

Graveyards always make me think of "Thriller". Even when I go 2 funerals Thriller is playing in my head.

On 28-9-2010 15:41:22 from web

"OOOOHWEEEEE EVERYONE STINKS! Unacceptable! I'm going to change that!" - Guy who invented deodorant

Life is a b!tch.. but I appreciate her.

UPDATE: It was 113 in Los Angeles yesterday, though LA's record high still belongs to Lindsay Lohan.

You know what would be great? If people stopped shooting each other at school. Save it for after class, guys.

I don't want to get into it but i just voice dialed with my ass.

Like why the fuck is he holding it?? "@chrisdelia: The host of the TMZ show and the way he hold his thermos makes me more mad than racism."

The top button on my shirt popped off. Current tally: Button down shirt - 0 Boobs - 1

If you live within walking distance from a Church's Chicken... #YouLiveInTheHood

I prefer to see Lindsay Lohan as a true optimist. She always comes up positive.

When life gives you melons, you know you’re dyslexic.

On 28-9-2010 16:55:22 from web

Considering how often the body loses control of the bowels upon death, I'd say it was very thoughtful of Elvis to die on the toilet.

On 28-9-2010 20:01:27 from web

Pretty girls lie to YOU... Ugly girls lie to THEMSELVES...

Pepto Bismol is the Jewish Tequila.

There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.

No need to buy new luggage with these handy dandy bags under my eyes.

The way a person pronounces 'hummus' pretty much tells me everything I need to know about them.

On 29-9-2010 14:01:22 from web

They're called freak accidents because you get a nickname like "Hook Hand Harry" afterwards.

You have to see this video of two dudes going 33MPH on a mattress down a steep hill. Fantastic1 - http://www.wnde.com/pages/screendoor.html

On 29-9-2010 15:24:40 from web

Probably just go on with my life. RT @drpepper: If I had to give up Dr Pepper I would ______________.

Not sure what it says about me as a person that I am obsessed with reading about straight people obsessed with gay people.

I AM the USA. I bleed red, I ejaculate white, & my bruises are blue. But freedom raped me. So for now, my home is Mexico.

If a girl's Super Hot and Real Easy I assume 3 things, she’s a Prostitute, a Tranny, or a Psycho…none of which are deal breakers.

On 30-9-2010 05:15:00 from web

Did you guys know you can actually accidentally button up your penis in your jeans? Yeah that's doable. Anyway my penis hurts real badly.

Oscar pick: Julia Roberts' upper lip for best supporting actress in Eat Pray Love... it stole every scene!!

On 30-9-2010 06:11:42 from web

A History of Rap: Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake & The Roots: http://bit.ly/dfxiSZ via @nbc

On 30-9-2010 07:30:16 from web

The sandman must be black because this dude is late every night to put me to sleep. I think he just completely took tonight off! #CantSleep

If a tomato is technically a fruit, than ketchup is the grossest smoothie ever.

On 30-9-2010 08:13:58 from web

Skinny Jeans require skinny genes. #hipsterscience

Why do ppl say someone is legally blind is there such a thing as illegally blind? Either u can see or u can't

Idea for LeBron's next tweet: "FYI: I'm going to say something stupendously dumb 2-3X per week. So get psyched for that."

Much like Santa Claus, I can fill up your stockings every time I cum.

On 30-9-2010 17:00:04 from web

The seat-belt light in my car goes off when my PS3 is in the passenger seat. It thinks it's a person. So do I, car. So do I.


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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/september-201/feed/ 0 September Starts College Football – NFL & More http://www.funny-tweets.com/start-nfl-sept10/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/start-nfl-sept10/#comments Thu, 16 Sep 2010 12:12:26 +0000 YourFunnyTweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=1301

This post covers the first 15 days of September 2010 which includes some a little bit about the start of football season, some VMA coverage and a bunch of random jokes.

I get funny tweets sent via email, re-tweet, my timeline and the @ feature and will take anything and post it on here if it is remotely funny so follow or get my attention at YourFunnyTweets.

"The only thing thout shall burn is dried up Marijuana" - hippie looking white @Jesus with the sandals commenting on the Koran burnings

This blog has been running posts for 1 year now and has been more successful than I ever could have imagined.  I just want to take this time to thank everyone who has visited and had a laugh



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Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they take condoms. Women think the same so they take some mace.

On 1-9-2010 05:35:08 from web

@5tevenw Chuck Norris can edit PDF files

On 1-9-2010 05:49:36 from Echofon in reply to Steven Winterburn

"What happened yesterday is history and what happens tomorrow is a mystery". - Mike Tyson

He knows why black people smoke menthols #dosequis

Once again, Popeye's chicken has defeated my digestive system. #LoveThatChicken #HateThatDiarrhea

Trying to find some good midget porn so I can finish in half the time. #TimeIsMoney

Need perspective? Read a detailed account of a pet chimp attack.

On 1-9-2010 08:27:39 from web

it's weird how I spend one day away from the internet and I feel like I have so much to catch up on...is Paris Hilton still pathetic?

On 1-9-2010 10:33:44 from web

"I've only slept with 7 guys."-- A girl that's slept with 12 guys.

On 1-9-2010 11:16:07 from web

"Hey Dick, are you a CAKE?? Cos you just got FROSTED!!" - the closing line from 'Frost/Nixon'

children can be a gift. but so can socks. doesn't mean you have to like them. or that they'll even fit. or smell good.

On 1-9-2010 20:37:02 from web

@roywoodjr: #DiscoveryDemands FedEx & UPS merge to create FedUp

On 1-9-2010 20:46:58 from Seesmic Desktop in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

The Discovery Channel building hostage situation wouldn't matter if the hostages were John & Kate plus 8.

On 1-9-2010 20:50:03 from web

#DiscoveryDemands That west coast restaurants start serving sweet tea

On 1-9-2010 20:56:17 from web

Is it just me or has technology ignored all progressions into developing a silent vacuum. You can make a gun but not a vacuum silent?

On 1-9-2010 21:02:14 from web

#DiscoveryDemands That the Dos Equis Man drink a Budweiser. #DosEquis

On 1-9-2010 21:02:36 from web

Discovery Gunman shot and in custody, hostages safe, yet Kate Plus 8 remains on the air. Was there really a winner today? (Via @CNN)

On 1-9-2010 21:10:06 from web

It's being reported that the Discovery Channel Shooter has 130 Myspace friends. I'm about to go check and see if I'm one.

On 1-9-2010 21:12:19 from web

@roywoodjr..... #DiscoveryDemands tht Peyton Manning Claimes #Peytonmanningshead as a dependant on his taxes....

On 1-9-2010 21:12:23 from web in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

RT @Kou1914 Awww man, the Discovery guy was shot dead, welp, I'm done with #DiscoveryDemands lol< Agreed that pretty much shuts this one dwn

On 1-9-2010 21:31:14 from web

"Louie" is my favorite show in a long time, but GOOD LORD: that guy thinks about gay sex twenty times as much as I do.

On 1-9-2010 21:28:38 from web

I nearly just fell off the elliptical machine cuz Joan Rivers said Mindy Kaling looks like something that fell out of Patti LaBelle's nose.

On 1-9-2010 21:29:41 from web

I'm leaving cleveland tomorrow and I don't have any championships I hope they don't get upset.

I was in a failed Jennifer Anniston movie way before any of these other clowns.

On 2-9-2010 05:57:11 from web

Hey, fat guy who wears a shirt in the pool, you make everyone uncomfortable. Just take it off and be a fat guy.

On 2-9-2010 06:56:35 from web

I could swim in grits, a la Scrooge McDuck.

realizing my career ambitions are at least forty percent motivated by wanting to never have to be up this early again. t.

Seeing Steve Spurrier smile makes me want to puke. So does seeing Lane Kiffin breathe.

On 3-9-2010 03:03:55 from web

It amazes me the dances Females do in clubs... Then someone gets up on them... And They Christians! Fellas Holla Back! LOL

I'm a positive thinker. Like Magic Johnson.

Dude has a 6 pack and titties, how does that happen?

On 3-9-2010 06:32:06 from web

Yep, I've thought about it. If I had sex with The Situation, I wouldn't sign a release form saying you could show the world. Final answer.

On 3-9-2010 07:41:17 from web

Hey, @shitcuntbag. Thanks for following me. You obviously have excellent taste and are great at making decisions.

Just got a new update on my iPhone bible app. I wonder what they added

When is the appropriate age to tell your child their Lego creation sucks?

On 3-9-2010 14:53:30 from web

I don't need hard drugs any more. If I want a rapid heartbeat, all I do is think, "I've got 8 years to come up with my kid's college money."

you know you're fat when you tell people that you used to be a runner and they don't believe you.

On 3-9-2010 23:03:13 from web

I'm part of an improv group. It's called 'humanity'.

On 3-9-2010 23:09:32 from web

I'm tweeting on the airplane after they told me to turn off all electronic devices... #ThugLife

Don't wear camo cargo shorts to take a woman to dinner.Even if u think ur succesful enough to pull it off in an "ironic" way.You're not

On 5-9-2010 06:01:58 from web

no...i don't want cargo pants to come back...no...no <that tweet should be delivered as a child talking in his/her sleep>

On 5-9-2010 06:28:02 from web

Always listen to your wife, she gives sound advice : 99% Sound and 1% Advice

On 5-9-2010 07:37:27 from web

People who say "I hate to say it" fucking LOVE to say it.

“Good Morning” is kind of like “Fun Yard Work”.

On 5-9-2010 11:38:27 from web

RT @fjb81 Grabbing booty in church. #IsThataSin <- Who the hell does that? Ol Molestation & Salvation lookin head ass boy LOL

On 5-9-2010 13:48:54 from web

You know that look that rock stars have when they're singing intensely into a mic? I have the same look when I'm on the toilet constipated.

If you are too young to make breakfast, you should not be allowed to get up before 7am.

On 5-9-2010 13:52:43 from web

@roywoodjr paying offering wit the ones u didn't get to spend in the stripclub last night #IsThataSin

On 5-9-2010 14:00:32 from Twitter for iPhone in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

I've always thought wearing flip-flops with socks was stupid. It's like wearing a bikini over your clothes.

On 5-9-2010 14:01:17 from web

When the pastor say somethin good u say "hell yea" while u at church #isthatasin

Facebook: the only book teenagers read these days.

On 5-9-2010 14:51:33 from web

#QuotesFromTheWeek: "Bringing cocaine to a party is always a good way to get me to remember who you are" http://onion.com/arRXFn

My brain seems to be a wired specifically for comedy. And sex. Maybe I'll change my name to 'Chuckle Fuck'.

On 5-9-2010 22:22:00 from web

Is "Man Vs. Food" a fight to the death? Because I am rooting hard for these hot wings.

Thanks everyone for pointing out that I spelled "butterflies" wrong in my last tweet. You are saving the Internet with every annoying post!

I'd like to meet the person who invented the Skort and kick them in the pengina.

On 5-9-2010 23:34:24 from web

You are retarded. RT @50cent: Tomorrow 12:00 pm sharp I return to twitterNo ones safe until then stay sucker free

(513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

On 6-9-2010 00:11:34 from web

Anyone know a good airport in Los Angeles?

Ha! // RT @pmelt: If you and your wife share a Facebook page, kill yourselves. Seriously.

Me! Me! Me! Me me me me me me! Me! -My thought process 99% of the time

I'm directing a documentary about people that still think hair gel is cool. It's called, "Hey, Asians, Don't Do That Anymore."

On 6-9-2010 10:41:24 from web

Hey Persians, take those shirts off and wear other shirts, obviously.

On 6-9-2010 10:43:43 from web

Hey guy who just called me fag, your kid is gonna end up gay. Not regular gay, Richard Simmons gay.

Happy Labor Day people, be safe, have fun and don't eat to much, if you drink don't drive, call 1-800-im wasted. Enjoy your day

When my wife gets home I'm gonna get her vagina to give my penis a great big hug.

I bought a piece of furniture last night, but when I woke up it was gone. Who knew they made one night stands!?

I'd like to wish my mom a Happy Labor Day. God only knows how she survived the labor she went through delivering me.

On 6-9-2010 18:31:34 from web

Being consistently inconsistent is my one constant.

I am having labor pains from all that food.

vomiting is weakness leaving the body

On 7-9-2010 09:18:46 from web

Dream Log 9/7/10: Punched my way out of giant oyster. Ate in restaurant where everyone had my face. Threesome with Katy Perry and a falcon.

Documents show that Kamikazes didn't intend to commit suicide, they were just typical bad Asian drivers.

Whoever invented flip flops had no intention of seeing this many unkempt hooves in public

Just once I'd like to see a Genie who doesn't look gay.

On 8-9-2010 18:42:09 from web

It's funny because they look like wangs. RT @thisorthat_com: #thisorthat Which weather map is more giggle-inducing? http://bit.ly/bEkPbP

Men with ponytails don't realize that most people fantasize about their hair getting caught in an escalator

"Critical Thinker"... If that description is considered an insult, then the first word is too accurate of you and the second word isn't.

On 8-9-2010 19:08:52 from web

Sometimes I wish I lived closer to you guys so you could share with me whatever drugs you are clearly on.

On 8-9-2010 19:15:17 from web

Guy hitting on a gal at the gym said these exact words: "I have a VIP membership here. I'm not like the rest of these retards." No sale.

On 8-9-2010 19:19:27 from web

[S] Contrary to some beliefs, the High Holy Days begin with Rosh Hashanah at sundown tonight, and not on April 20th.

On 8-9-2010 19:30:15 from web

NEWSWIRE: Area Man Throwing Away Takeout Napkins Like He Has All The Toilet Paper In The World

Lol I've seen some funny Twitter accounts but >>>> @English50cent <<<< takes the cake lol

All i'm saying is that girls who have pink hair will do things that girls who don't have pink hair won't do.

Alcohol = short term personality implants.

Oddly, even with the exchange rate, $0 American is also $0 Canadian.

It's that time of year where men wear eye black and women wear black eyes.....FOOTBALL SEASON!

On 9-9-2010 13:56:42 from web

I'm bout to fuck up this router tired of this slow ass wifi #Predicting50CentTweets @50Cent

On 9-9-2010 15:35:00 from web

FACT: Apparently, no one has yet told officials at Boise State University that there is no state named Boise.

White people everywhere are really excited it's denim jacket weather.

Spilled milk killed my brother.

On 9-9-2010 18:16:15 from web

seriously thinking of changing my name to Lady Haha.

On 9-9-2010 18:30:02 from web

I know I have no room to talk, but that mole on Drew Brees' face is fricking HUGE! No wonder he was the Mole'st Valuable Player.

On 10-9-2010 01:23:30 from web

If this song wasn't already in your head, it will be now - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1vRvW3QUys http://fb.me/FKuglZa2

RT @elathamII @roywoodjr #AbortionClinicPlaylistSongs <- That's your TT suggestion? LOL Damn, you go hard in the paint.

On 9-9-2010 19:07:11 from web

#Abortionclinicplaylistsongs & #fatstrippernames trending.Good to see when media's in hands of the ppl, it's still dominated by terrible men

On 9-9-2010 20:38:13 from web

Wow--Between 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and Matt Leinert, the NFL broadcasters will have an abundance of disasters to talk about this week.

On 10-9-2010 02:14:03 from web

Today's date is 9/9...I haven't heard that since I tried to fuck a German girl

When I get good pussy or good food I say the same shit. "Damn this shit is bangin!"

There are no ten words more chilling in the English language than "up next- a live performance from The Dave Matthews Band."

Dave Matthews biggest influence as a singer? The chef from the muppets. Retweet that!

Taylor Swift & Dave Matthews at NFL kickoff is a reminder that, no matter who plays in the games, the NFL is run by the whitest people ever.

On 10-9-2010 00:29:04 from web

I never hear what Drew Brees is saying. I'm just looking at that thing.

On 10-9-2010 00:42:49 from web

<insert comment about the NFL season opener>

RT @Lorisays The best part about the arrival of football season is the pizza it brings for breakfast.

Today marks the 8th anniversary of Switzerland joining the United Nations. When asked to comment, Swiss officials were noncommittal.

On 10-9-2010 12:13:13 from web

Nothing turns me on more than listening to a woman discussing her diet & what she ate today. Except for everything else in the entire world.

I spell PORNO in all caps because that's how excited I am about it.

My favorite sport t-shirt slogan. Cross Country - My sport is your sport's punishment.

About to fly to New York City. If 90's Pace Picante commercials are to be believed, a city not known for its salsa.

@benjibrown1 thanks for that extra gram of weed, niggas on the other block be stingy with their bags #hoodcompliments

On 10-9-2010 16:33:49 from mobile web in reply to Benji Brown

Hey, dude wearing surgical scrubs at the gym... you're doing that.

Rachel Ray is a chubby little boy that can cook.

(510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

"Thanks! 5 minutes ago it was RUINING a McDonald's toilet. Total carnage." - fun response to stranger who says "Nice ass!"

On 10-9-2010 18:22:28 from web

Canada: America's Hat! (stolen from bumper sticker)

On 10-9-2010 19:46:45 from web

"Let's just say there's been some growth in the 'private sector'". (Drunk Biden Pick-Up Lines)

To all my British fans... How does the knighting process work? Do they come to you? I'm thinking I'm due.

"Holy shit, it's freezing outside!" - Albert Einstein, at some point, probably

I love coming home to NYC and just letting my nose hang out. #jewyork

The more someone says "spiritual", the crazier they are.

Guy just walked into this cafe, plugged something concealed in a bag into the wall right next to me, then walked out. Really, dude? Today?

On 11-9-2010 21:12:52 from web

Walking around Wilmington but totally calling it Capeside #TeamPacey

Never forget cup sizes, never forget a Hungry Man dinner in the oven, & never ever forget what those terrorist scum did to us 9 years ago.

Just witnessed a guy on the bus attempt to pay with an American Express card. Somehow, he's still on this bus.

It's poor judgement to be white after Labor Day.

Whenever I see a hot chick from the Army playing trumpet, I just know that I'm gonna TAPS that ass.

On 11-9-2010 22:16:14 from web

Is it just me or did Univ of Miami play better football when they were doin cocaine,gettin arrested & parting w/ Uncle Luke?

On 11-9-2010 22:49:51 from web

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection... Make him a sandwich.

Mini pizza pockets I drunkenly left in the microwave last night. Saddest picture I ever took. http://twitpic.com/2nuft3

NYC Weather Report from girl on the street- "it's raining its nuts off!"

Mother Nature said Father Time only lasts a New York minute in bed.

Miami -3.5. Buffalo bad snap on punt out of the end zone for safety. 15-10 Miami. #greatmomentsingamblinghistory

On 12-9-2010 19:56:05 from web

"Let's get high and make clothes... start by putting a buckle on that hat and pass me the pipe." -The Pilgrims #NYFW

On 12-9-2010 20:04:27 from web

With the loss of @20Westbrook, the #Eagles have a major hole at starting knee injury and concussion #OnionNFL #NFL

Cougar Pro Tip: If she has a tattoo older than you are, pass.

On 12-9-2010 20:31:16 from web

"Slyajkdprugkl, akeafdualkgj, *slurps* aandusssss football"- Shannon Sharpe #nflquotes

On 12-9-2010 20:32:24 from web

Beautiful INT, @tpolamalu! Awesome game-winning TD, Rashard Mendenhall! Way to not rape anyone yet today, Ben Roethlisberger! #STEELERS

Can't wait to hear tough football commentators on Fox be forced to tout Glee. Without sounding gay. Good luck with that!


Maybe next year, most teams.

On 12-9-2010 20:54:05 from web

Drake is more boring than a book about pamphlets.

On 13-9-2010 06:24:55 from web


is it wrong that I'm rooting for the weather system that is my namesake to fuck some shit up?? let's DO this, Tropical Storm Julia

On 13-9-2010 06:52:51 from web

Bieber can dance, lip sync and drum! He's what Aaron Carter would've been with Twitter. Bubble gum fun, that's all. No hate, truth.


Watching the VMA's now. When did Rihanna become Carrot Top?

We aspire to live by the wish of the higher power until we figure it out how to evolve into being it. *damn, this weed is good*


The worst parts of my day are mentally narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.

On 13-9-2010 10:00:42 from web

Today's free coffee was brought to you courtesy of my nicely tanned tits.


Couples who choreograph elaborate wedding aisle dance routines should then exchange a vow to always be assholes.

@mshowalter monday night shyamalan.

On 13-9-2010 13:58:16 from Twitter for BlackBerry® in reply to Michael Showalter


I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a bitch when I see one. #fb

On 13-9-2010 14:00:14 from web

MTV gave Jared Leto an award for his "music"?? ... 9/12/2010: Never Forget.


Iran, you want to humiliate adulterers? There's a better way to do it than stoning. Its called the Jerry Springer show. (via Jon Stewart)

MTV having an awards for music is sort of like A&E having an awards show for music.

I just love waking up on a Monday and seeing that "meat dress" is a trending topic. Thank you twitter.

On 13-9-2010 16:37:27 from web