Funny-Tweets | A Funny Tweet is The New Haiku http://www.funny-tweets.com FUNNY-TWEETS.com - A Funny Tweet Is The New Haiku - It's The American Proverb Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:08:47 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 Rob Huebel Twitter | Comedian of Twitter http://www.funny-tweets.com/rob-huebel-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/rob-huebel-twitter/#comments Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:18:29 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=760

Rob Huebel's Funny Twitter Tweets & More

Rob Huebel Twitter

Many of you may not know who Rob Huebel exactly is but I am SURE you have seen him somewhere.  Rob gets special placement because he hails from South Carolina (Where I live) but get's less preference because he attended Clemson University…the Arch Rival of My University of South Carolina Gamecocks.  So in the end, it's all the same. 

Rob Huebel is an Actor/Comedian who is currently active writing. producing and performing for his MTV sketch Show "The Human Giant".  He can also be recognized as an extreme form of "LA douchebag" in The Hilarious Movie "I love You Man".  He has produced The Daily Show and been a character actor on Late Night With Conan O'Brien, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Arrested Development & a panelist for Worst Week Ever on VH1.

If that isn't enough to jog your memory, I am sure most of you have seen a movie in the past few years.  Rob play's the "Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy" before the movie starts.  You can see that video further down the page along with multiple video's on Rob's website robhuebel.com.

So this website is about Twitter and Rob Huebel is a master of Obscure, sometimes worrisome Funny Tweets.  He and a group of fellow actors/comedians/waiters started "TwitFlix".  TwitFlix is a flipping fantastic idea and how it started was when this group of 30 people or so decided to go see the Premier of Crank 2:High Voltage and live tweet throughout the movie.  There was some controversy over the first Twitflix, NOT by people who were actually attended the movie but by of course some old whiney movie producers and critics.

Down Below you will find Rob's latest tweet as well as a collection of His Funny Tweet's that have been posted on this site and a couple videos.

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Rob Huebel's Most Recent Tweet

Rob Huebel's Featured Twitter Tweets

Just got kicked out of my pottery class. I seem to have made one too many dick-shaped things. It's a gift.

On 21-2-2010 19:13:36 from web

I sometimes worry when I'm watching internet pornography that somehow my webcam is on. Or that my phone in my pocket has called my mom.

On 22-2-2010 15:56:37 from web

Newsflash for all mannequins! You aren't fooling anyone. We don't think you're humans so quit trying to trick us! Idiots.

On 23-2-2010 12:56:29 from web

It seems like women's bobsledding teams should invest some money in cameltoe prevention.

On 24-2-2010 21:13:27 from web

One day I'd like to jump out of a birthday cake and throw an axe at my arch enemy. Is that too much to ask?

On 25-1-2010 19:15:13 from web

I have a physical today. Some stranger is going to touch my privates. And put something inside of me. And handle my urine. For free.

On 26-1-2010 16:45:59 from web

I thought farts would sound different around the world but no.

On 27-12-2009 13:40:25 from web

Tension at the dentist's office. His hands were in my mouth and I go, "hope you've never masturbated, ever". Got slapped in face.

On 4-1-2010 16:28:57 from web

The Charlie Brown Christmas special is on tonight. The one where Linus shoots that reindeer in the face in the busted coke deal.

Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine.

On 13-12-2009 19:31:32 from web

I wonder how many people with cameltoe are standing under mistletoe right at this moment.

On 16-12-2009 21:02:58 from web

I just had a glass of V8 juice before bed. Because I enjoy thick and spicy beverages that people soak in when a skunk sprays them.

On 3-12-2009 02:50:39 from web

One day I will have my own brand of Vodka called, "LeVar Burton's Slut Juice".

On 4-12-2009 18:41:26 from web

It's raining hard in LA. People are running everywhere terrified. It would be like if Zombies attacked your town. With laser guns.

On 7-12-2009 12:10:07 from web

Guy 2 seats up was watching 'I Love You Man' dvd. Then walked by me, stopped, pointed and goes, "asshole". Kept walking.

On 9-12-2009 18:24:29 from web

You really think that flimsy curtain is keeping me out of 1st class? Show New Moon up there & I'll rip thru that thing like a cheap condom.

On 9-12-2009 18:31:28 from web

The Mile High Club isn't really a club. It's a group. A group of gross people that no one on earth will fuck.

On 9-12-2009 18:41:38 from web

Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine.

On 13-12-2009 19:31:32 from web

Just passed Harrison Ford in traffic! We both have a black Prius. But only one of us has a light saber for a penis!

Bank teller: "Are you that douchebag from I Love You, Man?" (I nod) He goes, "I fucking knew it!"

I heard Taco Bell's black taco is getting busy with a lot of white girls.

Someone should start a chain of members-only bathrooms. Clean, private, nationwide. Fuck. Do I have to think of everything?

Someone just sent me one of those dumb videos where you look closely and then a scary ghost pops up and screams. I have poop in my hands.

On 29-10-2009 14:23:12 from web

I've had nothing to eat all day. Except for 2 pairs of EDIBLE PANTIES. Because that's the way I live my life.

On 26-10-2009 18:16:26 from web

Tried to skype my brother while flying. Didn't work but I think I invented time-travel you guys! Look at all these fucking dinosaurs!

Universal Halloween horror. Shrek's dong is in fact green.


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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/rob-huebel-twitter/feed/ 2 The Best February Twitter Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-february-twitter/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-february-twitter/#comments Thu, 25 Feb 2010 16:18:52 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=729

I Has Twitter?

I has Funny Twitter Tweets

 

Those of you having trouble understanding this "Whole Twitter thing"…Twitter can best be described  as sending a text message to the world in 140 characters or less because who has time for proper English anymore.  Soon we will be speaking all in abbreviations (The new Morse Code).


What has been going down in the Short Month of February?  Well we have black history month, The Olympics began (The whitest sports ever), we have tweets about prescription drugs, drugs in general, weed (not a drug), drinking, sex, Tiger Woods sex (He's clearly a Pro on and off the Course).  We have new made up Cusswords and some great links to stories and videos.  Keep sending us YourFunnyTweets and recommending Funny People to Follow – Thanks!

 

Grab our attention, Follow Us and/or send your Funny tweet via @YourFunnyTweets.    


 Tweet directly at us right now or just send out a Twitter message using this tool —->>

I Will ReTweet Your Funny Shit

On 8-1-2010 10:24:10 from web

 

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I'm not super into the Winter Olympics, but every time I hear news of an American winning a Gold Medal I just smile and say "Damn right.."

Can't wait for figure skating. REALLY hope Will Ferrell takes it home!!

This game is ON the chain

It'd be cool if Old Testament God showed up and everyone was all "no way!" and he was like "Yahweh!"

This pretty much made me laugh out loud. RT @jesuschrist3000: @BarackObama you suck balls

Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.

Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.

The original title of Valentine's Day was "We Called In A Favor: The Movie." it was produced by Harvey Levin.

I saw scottie pippen and I swear he has to have the laziest face I've ever seen

If I were in the FBI when I busted down doors I would NEVER just say "FBI!" I'd STRICTLY say "F-B-FUCKIN-I!!!" every single time I did it.

Dick Cheney has emerged from his hole, which means six more weeks of lying. At least.

On 15-2-2010 08:02:58 from web

Yo mama so bootleg that her Coach purse says Assistant Coach!

I friggin' love the Olympics. I never thought I could care so much for people or sports that I just learned about six minutes beforehand.

Between the snow here in Cincinnati and 99% of the Winter Olympic athletes, this is the whitest Black History Month ever.

On 15-2-2010 17:32:59 from web

Southwest Airlines kicked Kevin Smith off a flight for being overweight....I think it's just delayed payback for making Jersy Girl.

Turns out Hollywood Boulevard is even creepier during the day than at night. A guys backpack looked like it wanted to get me pregnant today.

On 15-2-2010 18:39:34 from web

#nowplaying wit my penis

On 15-2-2010 19:07:48 from web

I just thought of a great slogan for people who are against gay rights: "Keep Faggots Single." You're welcome.

Favorite karaoke moment: When the singer realizes their falsetto sounds like shit, so they drop it down an octave. Which sounds just as bad.

The voice in the current Visa commercials is God. You're welcome.

When people have magazines in their bathroom, to me its like they're saying "here wipe your ass with this magazine"

In bars guys act like they r in beer commercial, girls act like they r in a shampoo commercial.

To the people at Tool Academy... Well done. Your brilliance keeps persevering! #toolacademy

Capturing the Taliban's #2 guy sounds like a big deal until you remember that our #2 guy is Biden.

On 16-2-2010 07:45:10 from web

Having sex with a girl on her period is now called "The V-8 Splash".

Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool http://onion.com/cCTnTo

On 16-2-2010 12:00:38 from web

Jenna Jameson started acting in porn to get back at her cheating boyfriend. Warms my heart.

Isn't a recession Lent for all of us?

On 16-2-2010 13:05:45 from web

Joe the Plumber is in the news again? He would be far more interesting now if he changed his name to "Joe the Pornographer".

On 16-2-2010 13:10:35 from web

Holy Fuck. There is so much psychotic plastic surgery on 40 something women in LA, they need a show called Krugertown

whoever made showing breasts a part of the mardi gras tradition deserves a throne and a small country.. #justsayin

On 16-2-2010 15:07:13 from web

Being American is kind of like farting; not so bad unless it's obvious.

On 16-2-2010 15:35:47 from web

I can tell exactly what Gordon Ramsey's penis would look like.

if they stop liquor in atlanta strip clubs it really dont make sense to be in atlanta anymore

On 16-2-2010 17:29:00 from web

Check out the baller first tweet from my cousin Harris. Trending topic? Only a matter of time. RT PLS: @harrisrules13 eating macaroni

On 16-2-2010 17:29:00 from web

Don't bother flirting with the girl from accounting. She knows how much money you make.

On 16-2-2010 17:29:22 from web

I am giving up past participles for Lend.

On 16-2-2010 17:33:53 from web

call this bill collector and aggravate the shit out of them cuz they keep calling doin it to me 202 607 2748

On 16-2-2010 18:22:03 from web

Rappers say "Fuck bitches. Get money." But that's way too hard. Sometimes I just feel like chillin and getting coffee. Bup bup bup!

On 16-2-2010 18:29:00 from web

Kevin Eubanks quits the Tonight Show. Search is on for another person who finds Leno's jokes funny.

I just witnessed a guy making his girlfriend laugh with a Borat impression... so I knocked him out and fucked her on top of his limp body.

For Lent I am giving up hope.

@YourFunnyTweets Sen. Evan Bayh is retiring b/c he hates Congress – making him the 1 politician actually in step with mainstream America.

On 16-2-2010 20:06:27 from web in reply to Adam Moore

Heard that "Don't Ask/ Don't Tell"'s original name was "Don't Go There/ Oh No You Didn't."

Just heard a Latino girl at The Apple Store seriously ask for "a 16 Jiggabyte iPhone." Thank you, god.

Olympics happen every 2 years, are full of pageantry, and have no actual effect on our lives. Much like elections.

On 16-2-2010 20:41:19 from web

#adyingbreed celebrities. After the fat asian dad from kate plus 8 blew up. Any1 can be a star I guess.

Paris Hilton's "job" #unsolvedmysteries

On 17-2-2010 16:12:29 from web

#adyingbreed drug dealers. Shit with these doctors and prescription meds the brother selling a nickel bag will be extinct like the bufflo

I just got a text from my pal @chrisdelia that read, "Bro, I'm sexual." Please retweet.

On 17-2-2010 16:47:44 from web

I want to get a blowjob in a 2004 white Range Rover with tan interior (from a chick).

Tapioca pudding.  Con: insane amount of carbs and sugars.  Pro: tastes like you're going down on an angel.

On 17-2-2010 17:49:46 from web

It looks like Shaun White is unbeatable and that's refreshing... A ginger that isn't going to be beat.

MLB - Pitchers & Catchers reported today. The Washington Nationals were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention

On 17-2-2010 19:45:21 from web

Most common answers to "I'm in Atlanta, now what?" 1) Leave 2) Smoke a bowl. Well, I'm definitely gonna do one of those! #moreoptionsplease

On 17-2-2010 21:48:47 from web

Cheers to Lindsey Vonn for showing the world that a rich super-hot blonde from Vail can accomplish anything she sets her mind to.

Obama meets with the Dalai Lama today… Obama, Lama, Lama, Obama.

#tigershouldsay i blame this shit on NIKE, they said just do it

On 18-2-2010 07:50:01 from web

lets make some new cuss words

On 18-2-2010 10:48:22 from web

say again bitch RT @FAUXMODEL Hoe ass semen guzzler!!! #newcussword

On 18-2-2010 10:52:22 from web

#newcussword wacka flocka

On 18-2-2010 10:53:18 from web

#newcussword im pregnant

On 18-2-2010 10:54:51 from web

u kiss yo moma wit that mouth? RT @thisguyrio @lilduval #newcussword wank tang bitchfuck

On 18-2-2010 10:58:11 from web

#newcussword suck my jimmy choo

On 18-2-2010 11:04:13 from web

You're welcome for me distracting you from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. That stuff is boring anyway. #thingstigershouldsay

On 18-2-2010 11:39:29 from web

The definition of insanity is repeating the same cliché about the definition of insanity over and over and expecting a different reaction.

On 18-2-2010 12:25:02 from web

picked up a new book: ventriloquism for dummies.

On 18-2-2010 13:25:13 from web

#newyorkis where u may see a "homothug" beat the shit out a of "thug" nigga

The most French thing is a black guy with blond hair who is French.

On 18-2-2010 16:09:04 from web

My prediction: at the end of LOST this season, they find all the missing socks from the dryer.

Ugh. Just a reminder that THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM is on tonight. If you don't watch we'll get cancelled& it will be ur fault.

On 18-2-2010 19:06:19 from web

A man sues the US mint for false advertising because he choked on quarter. He says it wasn't minted, but had more of a metallic taste.

On 18-2-2010 21:03:49 from web

#isitme or do u NOT give a fuck what people are #nowplaying

Swiss hookers are trained on defibrillators. Which means I'm not even qualified to be a prostitute. A new low.

On 18-2-2010 22:20:11 from web

The best thing Tiger Woods could do at this press conference is admit to taking Steroids... that might at least change the subject.

On 19-2-2010 10:04:27 from web

Sports: Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex http://onion.com/cv3tEk

Do you REALLY need 'treatment' if you love pussy??

This would be way more entertaining if he said something along the line of "I'm gonna miss nailin' some those bitches though!" #tigerwoods

My takeaway: For 17 minutes, Tiger did not bone anyone. Rehab success! #tigerspeaks

On 19-2-2010 10:17:40 from web

Tiger is truly sorry about being rich, famous and getting loads of snatch.

On 19-2-2010 10:21:11 from web

Spoiler alert: Tiger's sorry.

On 19-2-2010 10:21:56 from web

Did Tiger say he was a buddhist or a boobist? It's official, Tiger is a robot.

On 19-2-2010 10:22:16 from web

I'm Tiger Woods & I don't owe anyone an apology except my wife & family so the rest of you fucks can kiss my ass #ifiwrotetigersspeech

On 19-2-2010 10:24:14 from web

The ratings are in: Tiger's was the highest rated fake apology in TV history, surpassing Bill Clinton's

On 19-2-2010 10:28:37 from web

Best #tiger tweet! RT @simonashton I wish he had come out looking like Dennis Rodman, a girl on each arm and just said "Tiger's back, baby!"

The term "hundo" was invented so that people can sound cute when asking to borrow money.

If you try and sell a copy machine to some chick off craigslist who publishes a Zine about moustaches and she flakes on you=blame yourself!

New Discovery: people farting in my dreams is hilarious.

On 19-2-2010 14:42:41 from web

Other dudes LOL so hard when I pull my pants/underwear all the way down to my ankles like a little boy to pee at a public urinal.

On 19-2-2010 15:13:09 from web

Farts? RT @amandabynes "Whatever u think the world's withholding from u, ur withholding from the world." - Eckhart Tolle

[S] Driving through L.A...even the ugly people here are attractive.

#whatifGod said "no nigga u are the enemy"

#whatifGod said "if I would've known u was gon act like that I would've made u ugly"

#whatifGod motto was "u just do u and Ima do me"

Can't compete with Orange County woman. They have that, I was abused just enough to be fun in bed but not too needy after look.

Just figured out why babies cry on planes. They're used to having much more legroom in a uterus.

Sorry if I'm old-fashioned, but he picked the wrong time to masturbate. http://twitpic.com/14kl6r

They need a new TV show called Celebrity Relapse! I'd watch the hell outa that!

In the future when you explain to the kids your ball cap worn low & turned inexplicably to the side they will ask "So you weren't retarded?"

On 21-2-2010 13:08:01 from web

Restaurant sign said "Taste how much we care." That is the most ominous sentence I've heard in a while.

On 21-2-2010 13:39:35 from web

Saw Shitter Island last night. That's my review.

Good Ol fashion Car Jacking! http://bit.ly/cDPPZA

just saw an ordinary guy crossing an ordinary street. how pedestrian.

On 21-2-2010 15:11:41 from web

Saying, "I don't wanna be THAT GUY" exists exclusively as a precursor to being "that guy."

Ladies let's go head and get it out the way right now. Send me yo naked pics.

If you rear end a Toyota Prius....is that considered a Hate Crime?

Hi. If you stretch your balls out they look like a bat's wing. Bye.

i'm so glad john mayer remade "free fallin'" i always liked the original, but felt like it was missing something...oh yeah, nothing.

Healthcare costs are spiraling so far out of control in California that even Dr Pepper has raised it's price 39 percent. #hcr #p2

Just got kicked out of my pottery class. I seem to have made one too many dick-shaped things. It's a gift.

On 21-2-2010 19:13:36 from web

I think everyone at my gym gave up holding in farts for lent.

We have to let Canada win, guys. If we don't, they'll have nothing left to be proud of.

On 21-2-2010 20:38:44 from web

Just saw a birth control commercial that goes "who says you have to have 12 periods a year" .umm I'm pretty sure NATURE says that!

If I were an ice dancer I'd ask my partner to marry me right after we won gold because she'd be forced to say yes to not ruin the moment!

On 21-2-2010 21:47:54 from web

Marketing Genius.. http://bit.ly/bX29jU

On behalf of actors everywhere, thanks to Tiger Woods for making reading words with emotion seem REALLY DIFFICULT.

On 21-2-2010 22:46:44 from web

How the Biathlon was born: "Cross country skiing is so boring." "What if we gave them guns?"

On 21-2-2010 23:09:44 from web

Just announced, "Look, my new Ped-Egg worked!" while carrying a bowl of shaved Parmesan. Didn't get a laugh.

On 21-2-2010 23:46:13 from web

My wife: "Do you know why neither one of us saw Lord Of The Rings?" Me: "Why?" My wife: "Because we have sex."

On 22-2-2010 03:40:59 from web

Former Prom King Now Living Anonymously Among Commoners http://onion.com/da2I1I

Strangest thing just happened. As I crossed the border into South Carolina & passed the Welcome Center, I swear I heard Sandstorm.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

On 22-2-2010 12:07:35 from web

If you don't read @mommywantsvodka's blog http://mommywantsvodka.com - it is time to start.

On 22-2-2010 12:08:32 from web

Gov. Schwarzenegger caused a panic at Toyota today when he visited a Prius Factory and mentioned 'Total Recall.'

On 22-2-2010 12:29:13 from web

When sexually active, the most effective method of birth control is homosexuality.

My dog needs to learn how to use an inside voice...

On 22-2-2010 13:38:16 from web

Accept that Uggs are out of style and move on.

On 22-2-2010 14:03:18 from web

the fake bullet holes on the back of your car make me want to put real ones in the back of your head

Favorite headline of the day: Susan Sarandon Vomited On By A Transsexual

On 22-2-2010 15:01:18 from web

WTF, Whole Foods' 365 Organic brand is made in China? http://bit.ly/4l6Y8F (via @lindaswarner)

I sometimes worry when I'm watching internet pornography that somehow my webcam is on. Or that my phone in my pocket has called my mom.

On 22-2-2010 15:56:37 from web

LA is to self-hatred what genital warts are to genital-hatred.

On 22-2-2010 16:36:52 from web

Why didn't god make genitals smell like cinnamon bread? Or something

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

On 22-2-2010 17:02:59 from web

A close female acquaintance loves when I dominate her via anal sex. Ass king for a friend.

If there were ever 3 elite covert operatives for the CIA set up at Starbucks, this would be them. http://tweetphoto.com/12220214

DH: "Barnacles are so gross. They're like the pimples of the ocean."

I love writing in Coffee Shops b/c every now & then I'll pause pensively & ask the person next 2 me if u spell poopie with an IE or a Y

On 22-2-2010 18:26:32 from web

When Ellen dances, a little bit of my d*ck dies.

#imNotattractedto married women... if you aren't fuckin' yo' husband you ain't gonna not fuck me too

Tim Tebow changed mechanics to impress pro scouts. Now he's taken another step. He's changing his name to Sam Bradford

On 22-2-2010 20:24:55 from web

Ugh. Just heard creepy dude telling cute, young, enthusiastic girl "she's perfect for extra work." should I hit him and tell her to run?

I'd never have spent the day waterlogging myself with two milks AND lemonade had I known that just around the corner fudge was being made.

Loud hipsters behind me. It's really just one hipster, but his ego is huge. If I told him I've seen his shirt before, I bet he'd cry. #fb

On 22-2-2010 21:40:49 from web

Hi, I just met you and now we're Facebook friends and I can now look at EVERY PICTURE OF YOU EVER! AND I AM GOING TO!

On 22-2-2010 22:15:01 from web

Not a fan of commercials that use the term "light bladder leakage." No need to advertise, people that need them will go get them.

On 22-2-2010 23:08:01 from web

The cocks at airport security excitedly recognized me, then selected me for extra screening. My modest level of fame is a form of terrorism.

Dudes who constantly say they love being single cry themselves to sleep every night.

In the sauna at the gym today I recognized some guy's penis from chatroulette.

Russian ice-dancing costumes ridiculous? No more ridiculous than the Elmo costumes they'll have to wear in next year's "Disney On Ice"...

How are there possibly enough Hoarders for both A&E and TLC to have series about them? I need to start demanding to see inside more homes.

My dog keeps barking at nothing so I grabbed him and started shouting in his face... hes quiet now...

On 23-2-2010 02:24:52 from web

Opinion: I Bought An Awesome Gun That Makes Me Feel Like God, But I Hope I Never Have To Use It (by Tom Slaznik) http://onion.com/d2uUrD

Anyone know what that movie "Hot Tub Time Machine" is about?

Any violinists want to come over to my downtown LA loft and play violin as I live my life? (Willing to pay handsomely.)

Is it tacky to wear a tie to play Volleyball... or is it just the greatest distraction technique of all time?

On 23-2-2010 12:14:50 from web

I was bout to go exercise but I changed my mind after I seen my body in the mirror

Newsflash for all mannequins! You aren't fooling anyone. We don't think you're humans so quit trying to trick us! Idiots.

On 23-2-2010 12:56:29 from web

Give a man a Phish CD and he'll listen to bad music for a day.

On 23-2-2010 12:59:58 from web

At LAX. Ran into Richard Lewis. He said hi. Hugged me. Did five minutes on New Jersey. Said he had to get back to reading his itinerary.

On 23-2-2010 13:24:23 from web

(703): i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move

On 23-2-2010 13:31:59 from web

How bad ass am I today? The gym just begged me to stop. Lunch couldn't wait to get to me. I shit on a bird.

Having a stranger move your wet clothing from a public washing machine to the folding table is the mildest form of rape.

if u wanna fuck me just reply back saying "lol" "lmao" or "boy u a mess"

On 23-2-2010 14:52:29 from web

there are some CRAZY people at this pharmacy (I wrote while waiting to pick up my antidepressants).

Last night was the first time I've been asked "So hey, you wanna bump?" followed by a boy whipping out his iPhone. Damn you technology..

How "thoughts of suicide" became an acceptable drug side effect: "How do you feel?" "I kind of want to kill myself." "Ok."

On 23-2-2010 16:15:27 from web

http://twitpic.com/14z6oj - the world needs to know

I need more lewd advances in my life.

On 23-2-2010 18:07:37 from web

I don't think people realize that when they say "hey can I store some stuff in your garage?" they're saying "let's stop being friends"

I'm watching American A W F U L . fix the sound FOX, these girls don't need any help sounding bad

As he came out of anesthesia, doctors asked Cheney what year it was and who was President. He replied, "2001. Me."

Check this video out -- Roy Wood Jr Video Blog: Comics- 1 Rappers- 0 Monkey Stomping 101 http://youtu.be/vUxCR_a2HKg

On 23-2-2010 21:08:07 from web

I set up my phone so that a sad trombone plays anytime I get a text from my mother. "You married yet?" (trombone)

She's Out of My League is good, but it could be great if they let the hot blonde w/ big boobs play every part. When will Hollywood learn?

Its so fun to say "see you tomorrow" to people instead of goodbye when u don't have plans to. They're like - what? Gotcha

If these walls could talk, I would freak the fuck out. I mean, c'mon. Talking walls??

Dude loses it and empties a gun in traffic http://bit.ly/baSU93

Forget stimulus money, that sounds like a plan to bone some prostitutes! RT @DavidVitter: Smoke Marijuana,Drink Liquor,Get Stimulus $$

On 24-2-2010 08:43:41 from web

Fraggle Rock probably had the best weed.

The worst thing about Ohio is all the Ohio people here.

Only four more days until White History Year.

On 24-2-2010 10:08:45 from web

Today's evidence that I'm the only one around here who knows how to have fun: my coworker eating her banana with a fork.

Dear USA Today, Enough with the "Makes History" tags on the Olympic stories. Doesn't EVERYTHING make history?

On 24-2-2010 11:18:57 from web

I hope the last line of Lost is "Hey - we all have baggage. Sometimes it arrives back home with you, but sometimes... it gets LOST."

On 24-2-2010 12:18:26 from web

My wife took her bra off last night & FOUR pieces of popcorn fell out. Fell much deeper in love w/ her & "went for it."

Learning lines for an audition feels like buying/measuring/cutting a crap ton of wood for a house that will never be built.

Yahoo-Twitter Partnership Announced; Will be Called YooTwat

On 24-2-2010 13:32:58 from web

NEWSWIRE: Love Made To Looping 'Arrested Development' DVD Menu

On 24-2-2010 14:24:17 from web

I wish I was as happy as the retarded man on my corner who waves at every single car that drives by.

Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me.

On 24-2-2010 16:54:08 from web

Ha! RT @danecook: Excited 2 watch ur new A&E show Bob Sagets Strange Days. When does it premiere & when is it scheduled 2 be cancelled?

Old ladies smell both good & bad at the same time. Like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

I usually disagree with anyone pronouncing our political system "guvment"

L.a. got laziest bums in america. They don't even look at u when they ask 4 money

Wow, I thought killer whales were all talk.

Too soon. #TooSoon

Instead of saying a TV show "Jumped the Shark" people should say, "They Added Ellen as a Judge"

On 24-2-2010 20:18:35 from web

It seems like women's bobsledding teams should invest some money in cameltoe prevention.

On 24-2-2010 21:13:27 from web

News just showed shopper buying 5 cases of soda in preparation of big snow storm. No comment necessary.

Crazy thought: how about instead of watching false "Idols," we support our professional singers?

On 25-2-2010 00:26:23 from web

If any psychiatrist stepped foot into my bedroom, they would probably have me committed. #honestytweets

On 25-2-2010 01:15:18 from web

Instead of "yesterday" my son just said, "The night that brought us today" ...isn't that an e.e. cummings book?

On 25-2-2010 01:42:44 from web

I have never opened a Can of Whupass. I have however enjoyed a fine bottle of '82 Fell Down the Stairs.

On 25-2-2010 02:28:21 from web

It's called a KILLER whale. I don't understand the confusion.

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]]> http://www.funny-tweets.com/best-february-twitter/feed/ 0 Hilarious February Tweets http://www.funny-tweets.com/hilarious-february-tweets/ http://www.funny-tweets.com/hilarious-february-tweets/#comments Tue, 16 Feb 2010 14:21:22 +0000 Adam http://www.funny-tweets.com/?p=700 >>]]>

Here are a collection of Funny Tweets from The First Half of February.  Re-live your February via a Twitter Time-line and see what people were Twittering about in a comedic way.

The Best Hilarious Tweets of February

Also if You Would Like Your Funny Tweet to Be Included in Our Next Blog Post Just Tweet Something Funny to @YourFunnyTweets  Using This Tool Here —–>>>

 

We would Like to Thank Matt Braunger Who Brought This Hilarious Video Into Our Life

 

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Just discovered that on my Wikipedia page I'm listed as Matthew "Matt" Braunger. Technically, it's true, but jeez what a shitty nickname.

On 13-2-2010 21:37:21 from web

 

Thank You Matt!

 

Seems like if you're good at gambling, you're a professional. If you're bad at it, it's an addiction.

my father looked at all my tweets yesterday and said "I don't know who the bigger failure is- you, me or god."

On 2-2-2010 00:26:21 from web

People see the Virgin Mary everywhere: sandwiches, overpasses. They even saw her on the floor in a frat house. She wasn't a virgin for long.

On 2-2-2010 01:38:43 from web

Funniest Transformers 2 quote I ever heard was an @dougbenson show: 'Michael Bay must have been molested by an explosion as a child'

the meek shall inherit the earth. probably because the strong are off conquering the rest of the solar system and don't want earth anymore.

On 2-2-2010 08:52:48 from web

PETA wants to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot. Yeah. Like a robot's going to be able to predict the weather. Good one PETA!

Either my son hates music or music hates my son. Either way, he is practicing the cello.

On 2-2-2010 18:41:16 from web

Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger–unless you have a rock. #FallonMono

On 2-2-2010 18:47:06 from web

Did you ever sit next to a conversation so inane that you began to rethink your membership to the human race? Well, I am right now.

#YouToOld to be selling weed @ 40 -- talkin bout nickels and dimes

On 2-2-2010 20:11:26 from web

I think ten minutes is the maximum time you can take to text me back if you want to have a text relationship with me

On 2-2-2010 20:44:43 from web

Just got booked during Valentine's day weekend. Meaning I won't be home. Tensions running high in the house. I might get voted off.

On 2-2-2010 20:54:22 from web

"Google before you Tweet is the new think before you speak." http://j.mp/GoogleB4Tweeting

On 2-2-2010 21:06:23 from web

There's no easy way to say this, but...I want to see other people. And have sex with them. In front of you. While I'm eating cake.

On 2-2-2010 21:42:21 from web

From now on when I see someone put a status update that's WAY too serious for facebook I'm commenting "I did a pee pee" under it.

On 3-2-2010 04:58:15 from web

Oh my gee, Jason showed me CryingWife.com and I'm fascinated: http://bit.ly/6S7HHe

if i could get boners i'd have one right now. fact.

On 3-2-2010 18:25:38 from web

Of course gays should serve in the army. Who's better at exercising, polishing things, and making their beds really well? Nobody!

On 3-2-2010 18:45:01 from web

Spending today deleting every ex boyfriends # from my phone in preparation for being drunk on Valentines Day.

being an actor is kind of like signing up to get punched in the face repeatedly with small breaks for really awesome ice cream.

On 3-2-2010 19:40:26 from web

[P] Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While In Texas" is right on schedule so far.

american apparel ads always look like theyre selling rape.

I love it when women are like "I've had enough of these pants!"

On 3-2-2010 20:53:49 from web

Why is alcoholism the only disease that sounds like a religion? Buddhism, judaism, hinduism...alcoholism.

i didn't see the lost premiere last night so i have no idea what happened. much like the people who did see it

On 3-2-2010 21:38:03 from web

@reptilia22 já seeei! mimanda esquilo não samba por e-mail? anexa e manda pr'eu! [duvido que você leia isso ainda pela manhã]

On 18-7-2008 06:41:30 from web in reply to reptilia22

"Whose Line Is It Anyway?" is my favorite show about confused cokeheads gathered round a CD case at 4am.

i have my suspicions that a lot of high-ranking military men are gay. explains why their outfits are always bedazzled with ribbons and pins

On 3-2-2010 22:38:06 from web

I want to have a one night stand and right before I climax I want to say "That'll be $5.50."

I'm offering free sterilization to every teenager who leaves negative comments on my youtube videos.

On 4-2-2010 00:13:12 from web

Carl's Jr has a new thing called "The Grilled Cheese Bacon Burger." Everyone else has one too...they call them Bacon Cheese Burgers!

On 4-2-2010 02:23:34 from web

ever had something dawn on you at dusk?

On 4-2-2010 04:45:27 from web

Anytime someone says, "I'm going to join a dating website just so I can laugh at how stupid it is," they've hit rock bottom. #fb

On 4-2-2010 08:10:28 from web

The US is returning 2 pandas to China. I assume we couldn't keep up the payments.

On 4-2-2010 08:54:03 from web

whenever I want the hotel jacuzzi to myself, I sit facing the jets. No one bothers me when I do that.

On 4-2-2010 09:27:15 from web

The Best Peer Pong Dunk Fails - http://bit.ly/b86dMt

On 4-2-2010 12:28:31 from web

Everyone should keep an emergency "Shit My Pants" pack in their car.

I feel so good today I just want to stand outside a middle school and hand out cigarettes!

On 4-2-2010 13:36:03 from web

obama canceled the moon exploration program! now we'll never know why it keeps disappearing every month

On 4-2-2010 13:38:04 from web

Just walked to my car, hood on, gangsta; chirped alarm obnxsly in front of evry1. Got in & turned on the car, instantly blasting chick rock.

On 4-2-2010 14:26:34 from web

Just walked in on my boyfriend masturbating. He was like "are you mad?". I said, "no but you seem to be"

[audio] Area Pie Hole Shut http://onion.com/bF4Tkd

I bought Activia yogurt but I haven't pooped my pants yet.

On 4-2-2010 20:05:03 from web

Super Bowl Fact- The first white quarterback to win the big game was Bart Starr in Super Bowl I... #SB44

On 4-2-2010 20:51:51 from web

Super Bowl Fact: After Giants stunned Patriots in SB XLII, a crazed Bill Belichick choked a clubhouse boy with his hoodie

On 4-2-2010 20:56:27 from web

Im @ a bar all by myself and someone from across the way just bought me a drink... A Guy... Thug Life!

Whenever my dad "thinks" he made a good point he walks out right away like he just made an acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace prize.

On 4-2-2010 23:41:04 from web

Is it bad my wife and I now refer to ourselves as Snooki and The Situation, respectively?

Put my pinky in yer mother then i tell her that I love her when I smother her in smuckers then put her under covers n fuck her peanut butter

On 5-2-2010 00:32:25 from web

does it make anyone else nervous that "armed security positions" are available under the ETC category on craigslist for $9/hr?

On 5-2-2010 01:08:38 from web

there's a reason there isn't a female version of 'the pickup artist' and that's because they're called 'hookers.'

On 5-2-2010 02:36:45 from web

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Bananas are good for the first bight then after its like "ok, I guess ill eat the rest"

On 6-2-2010 07:59:03 from web

Weatherman Freaks Out On Air Over Snowstorm (VIDEO) http://bit.ly/9fJdzm

If it wasn't for rental car agencies no one would drive PT Cruisers.

On 6-2-2010 17:30:57 from web

Going to Pink Taco for dinner. Which is kind of like saying I'm going to The Jersey Shore for dinner.

On 6-2-2010 18:02:35 from web

Safe bet-no one has used the phrase"I will put my fist through your chest" at the Tony awards.

On 6-2-2010 18:35:19 from web

6 dudes walking together in the mall doesn't look dumb at all! #sarcasm

Things that are true for everyone: "I'm happier when I'm high"

On 6-2-2010 18:45:43 from web

LMAO!! 2010 Superbowl Commercial --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rsEnwKrsvc

The voice behind Elmo is a African-American man. #BlackHistory

Supposedly all the Jazz greats were on heroin. And you know what? It kind of sounds like they were.

Just did my butthole kegels, now I'm ready to hit the clubz! #WestHollywood

On 6-2-2010 19:52:34 from web

The Hummer limo is really the douche bag chariot.

The couple in the room next door are having sex again. It's horrible. The chick's moaning sounds like a wounded walrus.

On 6-2-2010 21:55:57 from web

Right now on Toddlers and Tiaras a black toddler is getting spray tanned.

On 6-2-2010 22:17:58 from web

The Superbowl Half Time show was going to be: me having sex with all the cheerleaders from both teams. But the network wouldn't allow it.

On 6-2-2010 23:58:29 from web

If douche bag were an ethnicity most of Miami would be Little Duechebag.

There should be a telethon on TLC to raise money for all the people humiliating themselves on their network.

On 7-2-2010 01:26:05 from web

I don't pump up the jam. I depress the peanut butter.

On 7-2-2010 03:27:17 from web

Tonight will be the first Superbowl where I have a legitimate reason to show my tits! Go Saints!

Hey is there some kind of American football scrimmage today?

I'm gonna smoke a pre-superbowl super bowl.

On 7-2-2010 11:14:43 from web

Hahaha!!RT @DavidCollings: No one ever finds Buddha in prison. Jesus totally has that market cornered.

RT @DanaJGould Remember the good old days when "smuggling an underwear bomb" meant walking around with shit in your pants?

On 7-2-2010 12:28:26 from web

"You f*ckin witmy loot when you late on the child support/She always gimme half of that on the car note" Project Pat Happy Blk History Month

On 7-2-2010 12:39:00 from web

The NFL just announced the Fox Sports Robot will not be able to dance during commercial breaks today b/c of Steroid use.

On 7-2-2010 13:50:26 from web

I know nothing of football- but the "Who Dat" tweets are making it clear that I should not be rooting for the Saints.

On 7-2-2010 14:22:04 from web

Just walked by a child's birthday party with a moonwalk (aka bouncy castle) in the yard & it took EVERY OUNCE OF RESTRAINT to not jump in.

Overheard at Favre home "I want to call a press conference." "No Brett. let the SB teams have the attention please" #SB44

On 7-2-2010 16:58:31 from web

WHO DAT SAY THEY ALREADY SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING "WHO DAT" & THEY CAN'T NAME 3 MUHAF*KAS THAT PLAY FOR DA TEAM! #sityobandwagonassdown

On 7-2-2010 17:28:30 from web

Queen latifah singing confirms that we running out of black celebs that white people know

The Puppy Bowl is an annual reminder that everything is better when it's doggy style. #SB44

'CSI' Set To Perform At Super Bowl Halftime Show http://onion.com/5SeLtO #superbowl #brandbowl

"The Who are totally on key," says Taylor Swift.

I love The Who.....but seriously... thank you Janet Jackson for ruining half time..

Its only befitting that they're in Florida. After halftime they can go back to the retirement community

'The Who' should call themselves 'The Was.'

The NFL just announced the Fox Sports Robot will not be able to dance during commercial breaks today b/c of Steroid use.

On 7-2-2010 13:50:26 from web

I'm just glad a picture of Dakota Fanning didn't tumble out of Pete Townsend's pocket.

Great halftime show by The Who's Left

Just smoked a super bowl.

I had a shotgun wedding and a laser tag divorce.

On 7-2-2010 21:06:44 from web

RT @OpieRadio: Enjoy the Colts Super Bowl Champions t-shirts Haiti.

Favorite pic of the day! http://yfrog.com/33b2aokj

bout to jackoff then go bone the wife like we used to do before we knew each other... #howIkeepthespice

On 8-2-2010 02:11:58 from web

Broadcasting from the Bahamas right now. Sunny & 72 on the outside, sleepy & hungover on the inside.

On 8-2-2010 05:14:46 from web

4:20am is still 4:20 bitches. #backtobedbonghit

Riddle of the Day: Q: What's the difference between Peyton Manning and a Toyota? A: You can stop Peyton Manning.

On 8-2-2010 10:17:24 from web

First step to seeming creepy at the gym: Eye contact. Second step: More eye contact. #neverlookaway

On 8-2-2010 11:38:33 from web

HBO making drama abt bloggers. Since dramatic event of day is usually farting while typing, it prob won't resemble our lives

On 8-2-2010 12:27:36 from web

Loved using my deep fryer yesterday. Getting adorable acne along my hairline (known at McDonald's corporate as "Grimace kisses").

On 8-2-2010 13:43:14 from web

Just had to watch a commercial on Hulu to watch a commercial from the Super Bowl. Our society is so fucked.

On 8-2-2010 13:45:48 from web

I dont want my name name engraved in a floor tile. Id rather not be walked all over...I want my name on a ceiling tile so im above eveyone.

Your life is an open book, mine is an open container.

On 8-2-2010 13:49:30 from web

"he who hesitates, masterbates." lmao.

It makes me sad every time I hear about some super slut getting into a committed relationship.

Hey dinner, why don't you fucking make yourself?

On 8-2-2010 17:07:22 from web

Somebody should make a real beverage called, "SHUT THE FUCK UP", so there can be big glasses of it. Fuck. Do I have to think of everything?

On 8-2-2010 17:07:39 from web

My friend has a vase on her bridal registry.Whose gonna break it to her that now that she's married she's never getting flowers again?

Is it sweet nugs or sweet nuggets? I need to purchase whatever they are and I don't want the vendor to tease me.

On 8-2-2010 17:40:59 from web

If you hear a hot chick say something is "so random," chances are pretty good that it's not.

my wife is making me watch the Bachelor..I might commit domestic violence.

#3wordsaftersex 5 dollars please..

Is it quicker to report a murder to twitter or 911?

On 8-2-2010 20:32:16 from web

Seeing someone using a pay phone is like seeing someone listening to a cassette Walkman. You don't know if they're retro or terribly poor.

Went to my old Ralph's which is farther away cause I hate change. When I got there- they were renovating the entire store. Now I hate irony.

On 9-2-2010 00:44:25 from web