Well we got another long list of hilarious tweets and yes even I am capable of writing the funny tweet. Below is my Twitter Account (Your Funny Tweets) and I would love to have some more followers and recommendations on who is funny on twitter! Enjoy the list of funny tweets!

YourFunnyTweets I wait for the day when the South Carolina Gamecocks Play Oregon State Beavers in a bowl Game. Insert own joke..Cocks v Beavers headlines 8:21 AM Sep 22nd from web

Jim_Hamilton With a name like Tucker Max, it seems his parents knew he was going to be a douche even before he was born.10:57 PM Sep 29th from web

nottjmiller This weight room smells like insecurity which smells a lot like human shit.10:24 PM Sep 29th from Tweetie

TilerMartsh I’m assuming my iPhone is probably a man, because it always has problems finding the 3G-spot.9:28 PM Sep 29th from Brizzly

michaelianblack Corncob pipes are to pipes what inbred people are to people.8:48 PM Sep 29th from web

EricStangel NFL: Browns coach Mangini won’t reveal his starting QB. He did however reveal they will lose Sunday to the Bengals 34-6 8:36 PM Sep 29th from web

WhitneyCummings Just diagnosed with strep throat. If you have not had it, it’s like trying to swallow a ninja star wrapped in barbed wire and sadness.7:22 PM Sep 29th from TweetDeck

azizansari Dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they fucked up and got CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.6:51 PM Sep 29th from web

sarahcolonna I just watched the wendy williams show. It’s like when you would get a videocamera in junior high and tape your fake talk show. brutal.6:35 PM Sep 29th from web

jordanrubin “I wasn’t born yesterday.” Really? I could have sworn you were one of those rare, 6’2″ infants with facial hair.6:05 PM Sep 29th from web

BorowitzReport The “8″ in “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.2:39 PM Sep 29th from web

AriShaffir Damn it. The girl I had picked out to fantasize about having sex with in the airplane bathroom isn’t getting on this flight.1:21 PM Sep 29th from TweetDeck

Great Links!

TheOnion [video] Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar http://ow.ly/15QFCD5:44 PM Sep 23rd from HootSuite

KellyIsFunny Because “the dog ate my homework” doesn’t work any more…try Corrupted Files… http://bit.ly/uf5cW12:09 PM Sep 22nd from TweetDeck

TheOnion Sports: Troy Polamalu All Over Orthopedic Clinic http://ow.ly/15Qmcz10:45 AM Sep 22nd from HootSuite

jimgaffigan We r raisin our kidsinNYC so they can be exposed to fine culture. “yes son thatisa mannequin holdin a machine gun” http://twitpic.com/irhkq7:04 PM Sep 22nd from Echofon

TheOnion Man’s Facebook Status Given Book Deal http://ow.ly/15RAmo10:44 AM Sep 28th from HootSuite

thecomicscomic Live from New York, it’s 10 truly outrageous & infamous moments in Saturday Night Live history http://bit.ly/m93yG 3:46 PM Sep 28th

rebeccakelley The Wonder Years without the voice-over narration is 95% people staring at each other: http://bit.ly/a6p2m

erockappel RT @douggpound Say what you will about auto tune but at least it makes you sing in key right? …right? http://bit.ly/6CVKa3:51 PM Sep 18th from web
randfish It’s so true – http://j.mp/qnjGj – the vacation stress cycle infographic

steveagee the BEST!! RT @RobSchrab Pantomime Fail http://bit.ly/qiaFL10:29 PM Sep 26th from Twittelator

rebeccakelley iPhones: is there anything they can’t do? http://bit.ly/AVv3P4:01 PM Sep 18th from TweeDeck

TheOnion Slideshow: Greed In America http://ow.ly/15RNWo 8:42 AM Sep 29th from HootSuite

jimgaffigan Snails are a delicacy? Compared to what? Barnacles12:13 PM Sep 29th from web

friedmanjon It’s not fair to Alf that he had a perfectly normal human name on Melmac (Gordon Shumway) yet we insisted on calling him ALF.10:42 AM Sep 29th from web

johncmayer Glad “Hov” is such a cool name. I don’t think “Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is CHARLES!” would work as well.2:13 AM Sep 29th

TheRealRyanHiga here is one worth tweeting: “I would not, could not with a fox, Unless she looked like Courteney Cox.” – Dr. Seuss 1:22 AM Sep 29th from web

mikerotman We need more Jewish holidays. #NoTrafficOnThe405 12:58 AM Sep 29th from web

jimgaffigan Eating crab is too much work. They are the pistachio of seafood 11:48 PM Sep 28th from web

bryancallen Boner kills: marriage, monogamy, burps, farting, warts, bed ticks, excessive hair, ANY butt hair, other dicks, The Bible, Jesus portraits 11:42 PM Sep 28th

johncmayer “True Love Shines Through The Frowns of the Hopeless.” #SoundsLikeAFamousQuoteButMakesNoSense 10:26 PM Sep 28th from web

samgrizzy Asian guy just dropped off food from a mexican restaraunt… Should I be woried? 9:28 PM Sep 28th

jordanrubin “The road to greatness is paved with the tears of indifference.” #SoundsLikeAFamousQuoteButMakesNoSense 8:30 PM Sep 28th

drewhastings RT @BernardGoldberg Obama has spent more time with David Letterman than with his top general in Afghanistan. Why am I troubled by this?

diablocody @paulscheer Also, drinking gasoline is the ultimate expression of brutal, unchecked masculinity.5:21 PM Sep 28th from web

jordanrubin Iran test fired a long-range missile? We should totally test kill them.4:36 PM Sep 28th from 

amazingsoup what kind of clean freak writes “wash me” on the dirty window of a car and gets their finger all filthy? utter hypocrisy. -t3:23 PM Sep 28th from web

amazingsoup failproof trick: tell someone you’re psychic and that you can read their mind, then tell them “right now you think i’m an idiot.” -t3:02 PM Sep 28th from web

diablocody As I woke up this morning, I suddenly gripped my laptop and Googled “Khloe Kardashian.” It was as primal as the will to breathe.1:41 PM Sep 28th from web

patdixon Watching a group of airport employees today, it occurred to me that people who speak Spanish are having a LOT more fun than the rest of us.12:03 PM Sep 28th from web

ryandalton THAT’S IT!!! I’m a Bengals fan now! All I have to do is paint tiger stripes on my Browns stuff. #Bengals #Browns11:22 AM Sep 28th from TwitterBerry

TilerMartsh I forgot it was Yom Kippur and came into work today. Then I went back home and remembered I’m not Jewish.10:04 AM Sep 28th from Power Twitter

thenickgriffin doing the late late show with craig ferguson next week. I’ll be wearing pants and talking, which is the opposite of how i spend most days.7:03 AM Sep 28th from web

Jim_Hamilton You know what I am really good at? Fantasy football. You know what I am really bad at? Reality anything.2:38 AM Sep 28th from web

WhitneyCummings People say girls are attracted to guys who are like their fathers. Not me. The guys I date call me back.12:45 AM Sep 28th from UberTwitter

SarahKSilverman I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it’s never me.11:53 PM Sep 27th from Twittelator

kevin_nealon Not only texting as I drive but also bathing.6:45 PM Sep 27th from Tweetie

PhillyD LOL the second time in a year you’ll see the headline Washington Bails Out Detroit. How the hell do the Lions have so many fans?2:35 PM Sep 27th from web

boburnham In a taxi. This is the worst episode of “cash cab” ever.1:43 PM Sep 27th from Echofon

steveagee Welcome to my world! RT: @simonpegg Someone just asked me if I was the guy from Mythbusters. I said no. Myth busted.1:42 PM Sep 27th from web

chickmcgee1 Redskins could be the worst team in football. Maybe I should start cheering for vodka! I am a fan of VODKA! GOOOOO VODKA1:34 PM Sep 27th from web

kevinpollak Hey, Delta Airlines. Yeah, how’s it going? Good, good. I was just wondering if I, um, mentioned that YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!12:47 PM Sep 27th from Tweetie

jordanrubin I think I’m on Twitter too much. A waiter just asked for my order and I said “I’ll have the @FrenchToast.”12:36 PM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

grahamelwood I want to murder all banks.12:16 PM Sep 27th from txt

jimgaffigan Why do we look after we use a tissue? What do we expect to find? “Look a pocket watch”11:56 AM Sep 27th from web

MattBesser Lamar Odom, on this your wedding night, remember to work your triangle offense.11:46 AM Sep 27th from web

WhitneyCummings Hearing this yelled at Starbucks is how you know society is over: “Grande Hot Chocolate for Mark!”11:25 AM Sep 27th from TweetDeck

jordanrubin My penis is so big that before sex most women request an epidural. #FineNotTrueButMyPenisHasBeenKnownToBreach5:24 AM Sep 27th from UberTwitter

maxscher When you’re sober in a bar, without a drink turn to – you start drinking your iPhone. I’m so app’d up.1:55 AM Sep 27th from Echofon

jimgaffigan Has anyone ever used the term “more dumb” and not sounded more dumb?12:21 AM Sep 27th from Echofon

EricStangel Tim Tebow is amazing. While waiting to be seen at the hospital, he helped deliver 3 babies and performed heart surgery9:08 PM Sep 26th from web

thecomicscomic I got an iPhone today, but AT&T store couldn’t sync my contact list. I miss you already, Verizon. No, not really, look at all of these apps!3:25 PM Sep 26th from web

jimgaffigan Seeing someone in their underwear is either arousing or horrifying. One of the reasons I never wear any.2:24 PM Sep 26th from Echofon

Braunger You know who’s great in a knife fight? Any working surgeon alive.1:55 PM Sep 26th from web

azizansari Me: Can we rent a car w/an ice cream paintjob? Cream on the inside? Clean on the outside? Avis: We have a yellow Ford Focus.12:06 PM Sep 26th from TwitterBerry

danlevyshow En route to DC. Getting a tour of the white house and then doing a gang bang joke. God bless America.10:39 AM Sep 26th from TwitterBerry

BorowitzReport Twitter valued at $1,000,000,000.00 Would be more, but analysts ran out of characters.7:58 AM Sep 26th from web

Jim_Hamilton Is there football on at 4:45 a.m. or does my new neighbor just yell “Get the football!” randomly?6:55 AM Sep 26th from TwitterBerry

friedmanjon I want to tell the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that it’s really not necessary to wear those masks to “hide” their identity.8:45 AM Sep 24th from web

OGOchoCinco Esteban has arisen, I’m up 4 hours early headed to the weightroom,you all have a great S.H.I.T day (so happy it’s Thursday)5:20 AM Sep 24th from Echofon

michaelkosta Still in Europe where people use public transport, drink outside w/out problems, and watch real news. USA we need to change some shit.2:51 AM Sep 24th from web

samantharonson Can we not come up with something cooler than “tweet” or “tweeted”? I feel like such a dork every time I type or say that.1:53 AM Sep 24th from web

joerogandotnet We should force politicians to take ecstasy and give live, unrehearsed speeches while they’re dosed up so we really get to know them12:22 AM Sep 24th from TweetDeck

kevin_nealon Tiger Woods looks out of place in anything other than golf clothes.11:38 PM Sep 23rd from Tweetie

thebrianposehn Son and I are sitting in the car listening to Pink Floyd for babies while mommy’s in the store.Course I gave him a baby hit of weed first.10:50 PM Sep 23rd from Echofon

robhuebel So glad those people from ‘Hoarders’ are not on this plane. Cuz if we crashed, they would make the crashsite look like a fucking pigsty.10:37 PM Sep 23rd from web

robhuebel Oh man. Just hooked up with this slutty girl in the lavatory. Then a snake came out of the toilet and bit me on the bing bong.10:36 PM Sep 23rd from web

robhuebel Turbulence is God’s way of saying, “Look out, I farted”.10:35 PM Sep 23rd from web

robhuebel I can’t believe people were ever allowed to smoke on planes. Were they also allowed to shoot off fireworks and punch babies in the dick?10:33 PM Sep 23rd from web

robhuebel What’s up male flight attendant who keeps talking to EVERYONE about cars? We get it. You’re not gay. More SUNCHIPS my bro dawg?10:33 PM Sep 23rd from web

robhuebel Thank you for your attention. (end of live tweet).10:44 PM Sep 23rd from web

StephenAtHome just spotted ahmadinejad coming out of american apparel in the village!10:40 PM Sep 23rd from web

tommyjohnagin just ate dinner from a gas station. i think i was born without the part of the brain that makes people ashamed of doing that.10:05 PM Sep 23rd from mobile web

joselynhughes i don’t know how i feel about a baby riding in a smart car. that seems like it should be against the law. unless that baby is a clown.8:03 PM Sep 23rd from mobile web

robhuebel Do dogs that wear bandanas get laid more often than other dogs?5:47 PM Sep 23rd from TwitterBerry

StephenAtHome next year I’m submitting for the emmy for outstanding tweet. not this one, though.4:29 PM Sep 23rd from web

boburnham remember the game “don’t wake daddy?” that was the only board game that focused on an alcoholic, domestic abuser. oh and colonel mustard.2:21 PM Sep 23rd from web

jordanrubin I’m writing a book about the moment when a girl leaves a guy’s apartment called “Let the Farting Begin.”1:55 PM Sep 23rd from UberTwitter

chrisdelia There has never been a man in the history of the world that has ever worn a Ferrari jacket and also got a lot of pussy in high school.1:35 PM Sep 23rd from UberTwitter

joeschmitt I just had to spell my name to someone. My FIRST name.1:01 PM Sep 23rd from Echofon

diablocody Wait, @PeeWeeHerman is verified? Wow. This is a game-changer.12:38 PM Sep 23rd from web

rainnwilson You, sir, are a philosopher. RT The internet is like alcohol, it gives people courage. (via @elcaveman)12:32 PM Sep 23rd from Tweetie

BorowitzReport The clips of DeLay dancing should be shown at high schools to discourage kids from going into politics.12:26 PM Sep 23rd from web

rainnwilson I can’t remember, were people ‘snarky’ before the Internet existed?12:22 PM Sep 23rd from Tweetie

rebeccakelley OH: “Some people need to learn the value of shutting the fuck up.” Amen to that!11:35 AM Sep 23rd from TweetDeck

MattBesser Lamar Odom is marrying Khloé Kardashian: the Laker & the Faker.10:22 AM Sep 23rd from web

BorowitzReport Bill Clinton says that tackling global problems gets you an amazing amount of tail.9:49 AM Sep 23rd from web

jordanrubin Every bottle is a twist-off if you don’t mind bloody hands.9:41 AM Sep 23rd from UberTwitter

chrisdelia I know it’s been a while since it’s been out… but what the fuck is Smart Water? Are you kidding me? Fuck you.2:49 AM Sep 23rd from UberTwitter

JudahWorldChamp sorry to get so serious. sometimes i get over serious when i’m taking a break from banging 40 chicks in one night.1:24 AM Sep 23rd from web

JudahWorldChamp if you want to unsubscribe, just unsubscribe. if more than 10 twitter posts in one day is too much for you, you’re a pussy.1:24 AM Sep 23rd from web

BorowitzReport Almost every word in this headline is sad: “Heather Locklear to Return to Melrose Place”12:11 AM Sep 23rd from web

EricStangel NFL: Peyton Manning’s win breaks Unitas’ team record. In other Colts QB news Jeff George won Avis’ employee of the month11:51 PM Sep 22nd from web

michaelianblack Most hardcore sounding name for a sport that isn’t hardcore at all: badminton.8:38 PM Sep 22nd from web

jordanrubin Thumbs-upping a Facebook pic matches the enthusiasm of a silent head nod to a stranger who’s waiting for the same elevator.8:25 PM Sep 22nd from UberTwitter

MattDThompson Ever wonder how many of the tweets you read were written while seated on the toilet?5:58 PM Sep 22nd from Tweetie

JudahWorldChamp I refer to my ex-girlfriend’s vagina as the Holland Tunnel. Full of traffic, tolls, construction, and it’s open all night.5:55 PM Sep 22nd from web

jordanrubin I’m probably not breaking new ground here, but damn, white boys be crazy.5:24 PM Sep 22nd from UberTwitter

chrisdelia People sometimes have the wrong names. I want to rename them all. I know this guy Steve who should totally be John. It’s BS.2:54 PM Sep 22nd from UberTwitter

BTMcLaughlin This is my 500th tweet. In the words of an English guy trying to fuck your girlfriend, cheers.1:42 PM Sep 22nd from web

BTMcLaughlin I just got a new follower whose profile picture is of her sucking a large penis. I get why she’d want to follow me, but how did she know?1:35 PM Sep 22nd from web

mindykaling andy roddick came to set and i thought it was seann william scott. naturally i thought, how can i monetize this misunderstanding? Biopic!!12:23 PM Sep 22nd from mobile web

DougBenson This just in: Heather Locklear returning to MELROSE PLACE. This just out: my dick.10:09 AM Sep 22nd from web

nottjmiller RT @jordanrubin We’ve got so many DJs on the 1s and 2s that I really think we’re leaving ourselves vulnerable on the 3s and 4s. (the best)9:45 AM Sep 22nd from web

joeschmitt Talk about living in the past: a guy at U of C died of plague last week. I’ll bet he didn’t have an iPhone.9:12 AM Sep 22nd from Echofon

robhuebel I have often wondered if my evil twin has an evil twin. And if they’ll ever teach me to stop being such a pussy.7:41 AM Sep 22nd from TwitterBerry

boburnham twitter is like a bad impressionist. 140 characters or less. all of which you’ve seen before.10:26 PM Sep 21st from web

WhitneyCummings Is Abercrombie and Fitch a store that sells mens abs?10:13 PM Sep 21st from UberTwitter

BorowitzReport Obama Delays Middle East Talks to Work on Top Ten List for Letterman8:35 PM Sep 21st from web

GhostPanther Remember the chest bump? I really thought it would stick.8:20 PM Sep 21st from web

paulandstorm [P] Aw, diddlebang! #failedcatchphrases6:48 PM Sep 21st from web

joselynhughes if i ever make a puckered-lips-kiss-face in a picture, feel free to punch me in the face.6:47 PM Sep 21st from web

rebeccakelley “labial veneers” does not sound like it’s associated with teeth…6:02 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

DougBenson Dear Greensboro, NC, Lubbock, McKinney and Austin, TX, and Salt Lake City, UT, I’m doing shows in all of you this week! #thatsoundsdirty5:26 PM Sep 21st from web

chelsealately Lindsay tweeted that “HBO Security Sucks” I assume that means they wouldn’t let her in a party, in which case I say HBO security is great5:02 PM Sep 21st from web

robhuebel In Atlanta. Crazy flooding. I’m building a badass Ark with outboard engines and taking 2 of every animal. Except rats. Fuck them.4:47 PM Sep 21st from web

robcorddry A Haiku:Oh Gentle Bosc Pear, Lay you down in my tummy, Soon you will be poop.4:36 PM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

boburnham playing a show at my brother’s alma mater, cornell, tonight. i don’t go to college. why? because i am severely allergic to polo shirts.4:34 PM Sep 21st from web

WhitneyCummings Flight attendant just said they charge 7 bucks for pillows now. I literally hysterically laughed in her face. I apologized since I’m classy.2:44 PM Sep 21st from UberTwitter

boburnham when life gets you down. make a comforter.2:11 PM Sep 21st from web

robhuebel If I could set people on fire with my mind, there would be a shitload of CNN anchors bursting into flames.12:19 PM Sep 21st from web

nerdist Being in a government building makes me feel that same hollow depression I would get some Monday mornings in school.10:25 AM Sep 21st from Birdfeed

TheOnion George W. Bush Chuckles To Self Upon Thinking About How He Was President Of The United States For Almost A Decade http://bit.ly/9LuO610:25 AM Sep 21st from web

PatGodwin 2 out of 3 doctors think the 3rd doctor is wrong.10:13 AM Sep 21st from TweetDeck

michaelianblack Idea for modern witches: riding Swiffers instead of brooms.8:03 AM Sep 21st from web

jordanrubin Gonna be outsourcing all future tweets to India. I’ll be staying on as a consultant, but prepare for broken English.8:01 AM Sep 21st from UberTwitter

chrisdelia Nobody gets more drunk and does more cocaine than guys who are in marketing.4:27 AM Sep 21st from web

chrisdelia Just got through a great weekend of not seeing “Jennifer’s Body”. Can’t wait until tomorrow to not see it again because it looks like shit.12:34 AM Sep 21st from UberTwitter

steveagee smoke one joint at the party and suddenly you’re uninvited12:25 AM Sep 21st from Twittelator

mikerotman Emmys and all awards shows: Stop writing the the banter between the presenters. It never works and is always cringe worthy.11:28 PM Sep 20th from web

chrisdelia If there was a gold medal for pillow-talking. I would receive it each and every year. Hands down.11:00 PM Sep 20th from UberTwitter

BorowitzReport I can’t believe Obama didn’t win an Emmy. He’s on TV more than anybody. #Emmys10:48 PM Sep 20th from web

friedmanjon Cialis commercials use playing indoor golf and washing a dog as moments when “the time may strike.”10:33 PM Sep 20th from web

samgrizzy Thank you Chad Johnson for giving me your phone number… I apologize in advance for calling while drunk…10:28 PM Sep 20th from TweetDeck

roywoodjr is watching Bob Costas’ NBC Sunday Football Halftime Interview. Is it me….or does John Madden already look embalmed?9:17 PM Sep 20th from web

RealJeffreyRoss Can’t wait to not watch The Emmy Awards.8:40 PM Sep 20th from Ping.fm

joeschmitt Is “drinkability” something I should put on my resume?7:06 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

Jim_Hamilton Most people wouldn’t drink a 40 at work. Most people aren’t working on Sunday so fuck you.4:39 PM Sep 20th from TwitterBerry

Jim_Hamilton Packers lose, but my fantasy team is going to win. That’s like saying I didn’t score but I masturbated to her memory. That happened, too.3:56 PM Sep 20th from TwitterBerry

Braunger Hey Virgin Airlines, the music you play makes me think we’re gonna be stylishly hijacked.3:47 PM Sep 20th from Echofon

michaelianblack Question you rarely hear in a room full of guys watching football: “Who wants tickles?”1:34 PM Sep 20th from web

nickkroll At the airport. Why do all European tourists look like kids in the hall characters?11:41 AM Sep 20th from TweetDeck

patdixon Let’s not forget, a chimp on pills ripped a woman’s face off. That happened. Anybody heard any updates from the woman without a face?10:29 AM Sep 20th from web

robhuebel Let me save you some time. Crest Whitestrips cannot be used to bleach your butthole.7:33 AM Sep 20th from TwitterBerry

chrisdelia It’s so easy to pick up chicks at Jack ‘N The Box past 2AM if you have some gangster shit goin on.4:06 AM Sep 20th from UberTwitter

chrisdelia Why are ghosts always from before the 1900s? People died last year too.11:32 PM Sep 19th from UberTwitter

AriShaffir The theme to Rocky is pure ’70s cheesedickishness but it gets me psyched every time.10:30 PM Sep 19th from TweetDeck

danecook I’ve mixedup the words cadaver & godiva 4 years. Thought they were cadaver chocolates or a rotting godiva was found in the woods.9:39 PM Sep 19th from web

TilerMartsh College football rankings are so misleading. Florida is ranked #1 when Texas clearly has the hottest cheerleaders.8:48 PM Sep 19th from Power Twitter

chrisdelia I just pretended I saw someone I knew and said, “Is that YOU?!” I’m home alone.5:57 PM Sep 19th from UberTwitter

aplusk it’s amazing what a man can do with a 40oz http://bit.ly/12sSkh4:10 PM Sep 19th from TweetDeck

mindykaling sometimes i pretend Justin Timberlake wrote Senorita about me…4:04 PM Sep 19th from mobile web

chrisdelia All dogs are secretly bears. Trust me.1:42 PM Sep 19th from UberTwitter

jimgaffigan I think it’s weird when personal trainers are out of shape. “You should do some sit ups. I never do, but you should”11:59 AM Sep 19th from web

WhitneyCummings Still following Tila Tequila five minutes later. #nowIknowwhyshegotchoked11:45 AM Sep 19th from TweetDeck

DougBenson I thought I could slap my troubles away with the Slap Chop. #badsuicidenotes10:42 AM Sep 19th from web

samantharonson The man behind me on this plane is wearing all purple and I swear he must have bathed in grape bubblegum. Oh- I swear I’m not hallucinating.8:57 AM Sep 19th from Tweetie

b_donovan Pretty sure I’m on a flight with Grizz and Dot Com from 30 Rock. Or I’m racist. One of the two.7:00 AM Sep 19th from Twitterrific

WhitneyCummings The red light blinking on your hotel phone means that it’s going to blow up, right?2:18 AM Sep 19th from UberTwitter

chrisdelia Cha dude! Totally tubular dude! (80s shit). I’m having a good time! (I’m actually not having that good of a time).1:52 AM Sep 19th from UberTwitter
tommyjohnagin just got home from the blues pre-season game. i didn’t even know hockey was happening. i guess i’m too wrapped up in WNBA playoffs12:05 AM Sep 19th from mobile web
PhillyD If you aren’t having sex, but you smell like you do, you are probably the #SmellyFriend of your group. #PhilsFacts9:08 PM Sep 18th from web

amazingsoup If you are comfortable enough with the term “DUI” that you pronounce it “Dewey,” you need to reevaluate your decisions. -w8:53 PM Sep 18th from web
WhitneyCummings Googling Jennifer Lopez and crying. #diddystyle8:22 PM Sep 18th from TweetDeck

danecook When a girl rejects me sexually I don’t get blue balls. I get red balls. I get blue balls when I’m listening 2 whales sing. #MoodBalls8:22 PM Sep 18th from web

jordanrubin Whenever a woman says “I want you inside me” I say “That’s what she said.”7:57 PM Sep 18th from UberTwitter

samgrizzy Want to smoke, but don’t want to put on pants… I have some serious decisions to make7:15 PM Sep 18th from TweetDeck

joeschmitt I was worried the cops would find all those dead hookers, but then I went to ACORN. Problem solved.7:11 PM Sep 18th from Echofon

Braunger I really hope this cab driver is playing nickelback on the radio because I’m white and not because he likes it.7:03 PM Sep 18th from Echofon

EricStangel NFL: Philip Rivers fined $7500 for taunting. He’ll put it on rookie Larry English’s tab… #chargers7:01 PM Sep 18th from web

paulandstorm [S] I’m getting too used to Rock Band. Tilted my guitar up in the middle of the set last night; still played like crap.5:27 PM Sep 18th from web

WhitneyCummings E-mail from my mom re: my comedy career: “Now I am getting really paranoid…was it something in my household that caused all this??”5:09 PM Sep 18th from TweetDeck

michaelianblack Name of food that grosses me out: fingerling potatoes.5:03 PM Sep 18th from web

Jim_Hamilton RT @garbagetime: Need to spend my beer money on a new muffler and tires. Welcome to Ocsober.4:54 PM Sep 18th from web

robhuebel It’s really hard to get a dinner reservation using my Chewbacca sound-board over the phone.4:53 PM Sep 18th from TwitterBerry
chrisdelia Why’re there always 2 guys from 2 diffrnt generations talkin bout “nowadays” sitting at 2 separate tables outside of every Starbucks always?4:21 PM Sep 18th from web

Jim_Hamilton I hit Ctrl+Z so many times that Windows just un-installed.3:40 PM Sep 18th from web

dianalmiller Realizing I left my keys in my front door overnight is both unsettling (i could have been robbed and murdered) and reassuring ( I wasn’t)3:21 PM Sep 18th

nealbrennan RT @jordanrubin No in-between with the Greeks. Either you’re a billionaire shipping magnet or you’re serving eggs at a diner in midtown.3:20 PM Sep 18th from web

mmalkoff It’s been twenty years, but I’m still bummed I never got to appear as a contestant on “Double Dare”.2:15 PM Sep 18th from web

ThatKevinSmith In cab from O’Hare, it happens: finally heard “I Kissed a Girl” from end to end. Eternal rest now grant unto me, oh Lord; life complete.1:56 PM Sep 18th

chrisdelia I just group texted 6 semi-friends “Are we cool?” for no reason. And I will definitely not respond to them when they text back.1:48 PM Sep 18th

jordanrubin This Halloween, I’m dressing up as an @ reply.1:39 PM Sep 18th

joselynhughes the only time using the term “broseph” is okay is when you’re buying weed. or you can just never say it. that’s also an option.1:06 PM Sep 18th from web

AriShaffir @chrisdelia I’ll go not see it with you.12:25 PM Sep 18th

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