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Funny Twitter Updates December

17 December 2009 View Comments


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Ahh yes the holidays, that time when everyone is either extremely over excited over it all OR they feel they are performing "The Feats of Strength" each year and are dicks.  First some "Airing of Grievances"

We have added new comedians to our “feature” list…head over there and check out our Chirs D’Elia and Whitney Cummings Funny Tweet Pages when you are done with this post.  They are 2 of the funniest people you can follow.

Funny Twitter Updates

And don’t forget to follow me! All I pretty much do is retweet Funny Tweets n Shiz

 

Been Retweeting since 2009 On 10:09 PM Dec 17th 2009 from web

 

Also, next week look for our Chirstmas/Holiday/Festivus Tweet Post.

 

I think the term "crotchless underwear" is crass. I prefer "vagina snorkel." On 6:18 PM Nov 30th 2009 from UberTwitter

the glass is half awesome On 7:09 AM Dec 1st 2009 from Tweetie

Blog post still not finished and I need to be up in 6.5 hours. Commence lots of cursing. On 8:53 AM Dec 1st 2009 from web

Tough break for you: I just realized that I am awesome. On 10:25 AM Dec 1st 2009 from web

The fact that Don Imus wears a cowboy hat while he broadcasts his RADIO SHOW is so incredibly hilarious I may just have to kill myself. On 12:00 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

I wonder what kind of apps jesus would have on his iphone... On 2:16 PM Dec 1st 2009 from txt

RT @markhoppus: Football party! Herbal tea, scented candles, salad, facial masks, mani-pedi's, and at halftime we talk about our feelings. On 2:59 PM Dec 1st 2009 from Echofon

Cyber Monday is the new Black. On 3:37 PM Dec 1st 2009 from Echofon

It's an achievement to get your clothes to smell like cat litter when you don't have any cats. On 6:29 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

In NYC for a few days. Forgot how much I missed speeding down 8th Ave in a cab w/o a seatbelt, falafel odor & listening to Iranian music. On 6:54 PM Dec 1st 2009 from Tweetie

Just walked past a guy who smelled like a full-on porn store - the kind that only says "Adult Books" on the sign. On 7:10 PM Dec 1st 2009 from TwitterBerry

Checked out a babe on the st. and ended up behind her at the bank. If this were Californication, I'd have discovered she's a squirter by now On 7:33 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

Had pie for breakfast, now going to ride my mountain bike and listen to punk rock and heavy metal. Suck it, adulthood. I win. On 7:36 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

I for real just overheard someone seriously say to someone else "I'm a ghosthunter." That pretty much means "I don't have a job." On 11:18 PM Dec 1st 2009 from UberTwitter

i'm pretty sure, no matter what i'm doing in LA, if i come home to chicago with a tan people will think i'm extremely successful. 99% sure. On 11:36 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

Dear Adulterers: Stop doing anything to document your infidelities. I'm not necessarily on your side, it's just stupid. On 11:58 PM Dec 1st 2009 from web

There's a fine line between spending $14 at dollar margarita happy hour and $3,000 in bail. On 12:01 AM Dec 2nd 2009 from web

If you lie very still in bed in a hooded sweatshirt under all the covers, all your sad feelings get pulled into the threads of the sheets. On 12:30 AM Dec 2nd 2009 from web

Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes http://bit.ly/7YGkkN On 1:15 AM Dec 2nd 2009 from twitterfeed

My goal? Own every single thing in the Sky Mall. On 2:54 AM Dec 2nd 2009 from web

Has anyone seen the commercial where the guy hesitates when asked whether he would save his wife or his miller lite? HA-HA alcoholism. On 5:43 AM Dec 3rd 2009 from Tweetie

Tiger's mistress claims they were involved for 31 months. You measure illegitimate relationships like you would your baby's age. On 6:41 AM Dec 3rd 2009 from web

I just had a glass of V8 juice before bed. Because I enjoy thick and spicy beverages that people soak in when a skunk sprays them. On 8:50 AM Dec 3rd 2009 from web

[video] Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked http://bit.ly/7VziaF On 4:38 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from twitterfeed

Cops are making drug busts at jam band shows? Talk about shooting phish in a barrel! On 5:58 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from txt

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will hide my porn. On 7:11 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from Twittelator

I'll be moving to LA and staying there for the first three months of 2010. I'll be looking for friends and, if that fails, cocaine. On 7:14 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from Tweetie

Dear 19-year-olds: You didn't discover "Don't Stop Believin'" Love, The Past On 7:54 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from web

Disclaimer: I thought I discovered the Doors in 1992. On 8:01 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from web

Is a slug a homeless snail? On 8:09 PM Dec 3rd 2009 from web

One day I will have my own brand of Vodka called, "LeVar Burton's Slut Juice". On 12:41 AM Dec 5th 2009 from web

back from Reno, I know why there is a NO in the name On 1:56 AM Dec 5th 2009 from API

"Twitter is progress. Why say a little to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everybody?" -Jerry Seinfeld On 4:53 AM Dec 5th 2009 from Echofon

Are these new blackberry commercials trying to make me buy a phone or get a girlfriend? Take it down a notch, Blackberry. On 6:20 AM Dec 5th 2009 from UberTwitter

We just pulled up next to Suge Knight at a red light and my car full of honkeys hollered at him as he laughed while NOT killing us! #true! On 8:19 AM Dec 5th 2009 from Echofon

why aren't 2 hrs. of Jersey Shore enough? why wasn't i born into this culture? i'm so confused. On 10:37 AM Dec 5th 2009 from mobile web

Keep ya head the opposite of down today, if you step in shit its okay it represents what you are at this present time. THE SHIT On 2:51 PM Dec 5th 2009 from MOTOBLUR

"Twilight" and "New Moon" are great names for strippers. On 4:11 PM Dec 5th 2009 from Twittelator

Sports: Christ Turns Down 3-Year, Multimillion Dollar Deal To Coach Notre Dame http://bit.ly/4MyXnw On 4:24 PM Dec 5th 2009 from twitterfeed

Can you claim "temporary insanity" in daily life/ text situations or does it have to be court related? (asking for a friend) On 6:01 PM Dec 5th 2009 from web

I have a Gap in my teeth and a Banana Republic in my pants. On 7:06 PM Dec 5th 2009 from web

"hey I wanna nail ur shitter" is NOT how a man shld initiate anal sex. Ofcourse anal sex shldnt be predicated wth too mch romance either. On 1:45 AM Dec 6th 2009 from Echofon

Would like to sip on a smoothie made from Tim Tebow tears. On 5:44 AM Dec 6th 2009 from web

Twitter, Google, Yahoo... who names these, Dr. Suess? On 6:59 PM Dec 6th 2009 from TweetDeck

being in the mac store is like getting a second chance to be nice to the kids you ignored in high school. no thanks On 7:47 PM Dec 6th 2009 from mobile web

conan o'brien is 1 of my neighbors. on weekends jenny and i watch his hair moving back and forth over the eight foot wall. we love him. :)}} On 8:46 PM Dec 6th 2009 from web

Cheerleaders are like blimps. Every time I see one I'm like, "Why do these still exist?" On 9:01 PM Dec 6th 2009 from UberTwitter

The truth will set you free. Except when it's the police. Then you end up in jail. On 10:27 PM Dec 6th 2009 from txt

progress report: i've successfully held it down on the couch all day today. On 1:05 AM Dec 7th 2009 from TweetDeck

Apple interrupted a funeral I was at this weekend to tell us that a new version of iTunes is available. On 5:57 AM Dec 7th 2009 from Twittelator

watching news. they just ended a segment with "i'm gonna leave it there." reminded me of daily show clip! http://tinyurl.com/ykgkown so good On 2:51 PM Dec 7th 2009 from web

I really need an automatic snow blower. Anyone know Whitney Houston's number?? On 4:03 PM Dec 7th 2009 from web

I have a serious case of the mondays through late thursdays. On 4:19 PM Dec 7th 2009 from Twittelator

Operation: Do just enough to keep my job is going just as planned. On 5:46 PM Dec 7th 2009 from mobile web

It's raining hard in LA. People are running everywhere terrified. It would be like if Zombies attacked your town. With laser guns. On 6:10 PM Dec 7th 2009 from web

Weird performance art: I once saw a guy on stage suck all the ink out of a highlighter. Can anyone top that? On 4:32 AM Dec 8th 2009 from web

Nobody celebrates Kwanzaa. Not even black people. It's almost sad. #fb On 4:50 AM Dec 8th 2009 from web

It is what it is. Unless it isn't. On 9:03 PM Dec 8th 2009 from web

I'm a very sexual person. I just typed this with my penis. On 10:30 PM Dec 8th 2009 from web

To all of you wearing headsets at the gym...we can hear your farts! On 11:16 PM Dec 8th 2009 from Tweetie

@OGOchocinco fined 30K for sombrero. Brady Quinn's fine for chop block only 10K. Does NFL spin a wheel to determine fines? On 1:20 AM Dec 9th 2009 from web in reply to Chad Ochocinco

@EricStangel cry ? For what? I'm having a ball out here on the field, wait till you see this Sunday On 1:37 AM Dec 9th 2009 from Echofon in reply to Eric Stangel

"The greatest thing about twitter is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." –Abraham Lincoln On 5:09 AM Dec 9th 2009 from TweetDeck

I'm going to Twitter the shit out of this mutherfucker. On 4:07 PM Dec 9th 2009 from web

Just called my parents on my way to work. They're drinking at the Orlando Alehouse. It's wednesday. Morning. On 5:49 PM Dec 9th 2009 from web

My 17 yr old twin sisters joined Facebook. Im changing my profile pic to a more intimidating one & friending any boy who writes on thr wall. On 6:20 PM Dec 9th 2009 from TweetDeck

Hey gang! Let's "synchrofart" at 20:00 GMT! RT! On 6:40 PM Dec 9th 2009 from txt

There is something beautiful about running into someone who is skipping the same thing you are. You just nod and carry on your way. -w On 7:34 PM Dec 9th 2009 from Echofon

Okay, so Blockbuster is basically just a candy store now. On 7:36 PM Dec 9th 2009 from UberTwitter

My hero act of the day? Walking by a bowl of Hershey's Kisses without taking one. On 11:17 PM Dec 9th 2009 from Echofon

Guy 2 seats up was watching 'I Love You Man' dvd. Then walked by me, stopped, pointed and goes, "asshole". Kept walking. On 12:24 AM Dec 10th 2009 from web

You really think that flimsy curtain is keeping me out of 1st class? Show New Moon up there & I'll rip thru that thing like a cheap condom. On 12:31 AM Dec 10th 2009 from web

The Mile High Club isn't really a club. It's a group. A group of gross people that no one on earth will fuck. On 12:41 AM Dec 10th 2009 from web

So that turn signal for the last 2 miles did NOT indicate a lane change? Well played. I hope I don't meet you over a poker table, Tan Civic. On 1:13 AM Dec 10th 2009 from Echofon

FYI- Tonight on MythBusters, the guys test the myth that Browns coach Eric Mangini's headset is hooked up to anything... On 1:45 AM Dec 10th 2009 from web

About a year ago I just stopped matching socks. I don't regret it. On 7:25 PM Dec 11th 2009 from web

I am an idiot. I just made myself laugh out loud at my own "Bruce Almiiiiiighty then" joke On 8:07 PM Dec 11th 2009 from TweetDeck

I know every stripper Tiger Woods ever met, but still have no idea WTF that big space hole over Norway was about. Thanks, news. On 9:15 PM Dec 11th 2009 from web

What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals? On 9:31 PM Dec 11th 2009 from TweetDeck

GREAT GIFT IDEA: Shut the fuck up for once. On 9:45 PM Dec 11th 2009 from web

I'd like to thank meth addicts everywhere for making buying cold medicine a giant pain in the ass. On 10:30 PM Dec 11th 2009 from Echofon

Just did a really cool spin move out of Western Bagel. Please retweet. On 11:22 PM Dec 11th 2009 from UberTwitter

#menshouldnever Suggest Olive Garden for a dinner date On 1:31 AM Dec 12th 2009 from web

Pee Wee Herman is back! I guess he figured that by 2009 standards, he's downright dignified. On 1:56 AM Dec 12th 2009 from web

During these difficult economic times, and to try and help the environement, I am vowing this year to only jingle MOST of the way. On 3:39 AM Dec 12th 2009 from TweetDeck

I wanna raise my kids on that TV show Jersey Shore. On 5:29 AM Dec 12th 2009 from Twittelator

Dear rachel, going up to 2 men and saying "what's this, a model convention?" DOESN'T WORK. #notcrying On 7:23 AM Dec 12th 2009 from TwitterBerry

Tiger Woods is good at golf and fucking. On 1:28 PM Dec 12th 2009 from UberTwitter

If I was Gene Hackman, right before I came during sex I would yell at the top of my lungs: "Time for the Gene Pool!" On 4:08 PM Dec 12th 2009 from web

What's a good gift for a grandma aside from Werther's originals? On 9:31 PM Dec 11th 2009 from TweetDeck

Overheard Tiger in the bedroom, 'Get there! Get there! ...Now BITE!' On 4:08 PM Dec 12th 2009 from Tweetie

In atlantic city you are not allowed to cuss at the tables. So I can bet my baby's college fund away, but can't say fuck afterwards. On 5:57 PM Dec 12th 2009 from Twitterrific

"Establishing credit" should be called "Establishing debt" On 9:02 PM Dec 12th 2009 from web

The black Tiger Woods cheated on his wife the white Tiger Woods tried to coverit up and the Asian Tiger Woods was driving the Car thatnight On 10:57 PM Dec 12th 2009 from web

This might just be the most ignorant redneck thing I've ever seen. And yes, it's hilarious. : http://ping.fm/7KsoS On 12:32 AM Dec 13th 2009 from Ping.fm

Wedgies are a pain in the ass. On 8:46 AM Dec 13th 2009 from UberTwitter

Got a Christmas card from an old girlfriend with her kids on it. They are ugly. Could have been avoided if they'd been mine. On 1:31 AM Dec 14th 2009 from web

Hoodie strings and water fountains will forever be in disagreement. On 1:37 AM Dec 14th 2009 from txt

Brains are the worst computers ever. Shit just gets deleted at random. #fb On 3:03 AM Dec 14th 2009 from web

Not sure what I'm more offended by. My shower labeling me a douche or how it calls itself a telephone. http://twitpic.com/ti13b On 4:30 PM Dec 14th 2009 from Tweetie

I want to do a Chinese fire drill during an orgy. On 6:07 PM Dec 14th 2009 from web

I like to refer to masturbation as "Having myself at hello." On 9:37 PM Dec 14th 2009 from Twittelator

president obama met with top bankers yesterday. i hoped they talked about loosening restrictions on those unfairly chained bank pens On 4:26 PM Dec 15th 2009 from web

Dylan's Internet Safety Tip #777- Always remember to put the safesearch on when researching "Moby Dick." On 7:47 PM Dec 15th 2009 from web

I'm sad for this person. http://tweetphoto.com/6487934 On 7:53 PM Dec 15th 2009 from UberTwitter

The number of people with the balls to demand free seats to a charity benefit is astounding. On 9:16 PM Dec 15th 2009 from Echofon

Just passed Harrison Ford in traffic! We both have a black Prius. But only one of us has a light saber for a penis! On 10:24 PM Dec 15th 2009 from TwitterBerry

When im talking to someone, i tend to lose interest after about 140 characters. On 12:01 AM Dec 16th 2009 from txt

Frequently heard around the Senate: "Oh, fuck, here comes Lieberman." On 12:10 AM Dec 16th 2009 from web

Really Chex? A black person on the front of a box of Chex Chocolate cereal? That's the best you can do? On 1:51 AM Dec 16th 2009 from Twitterrific

I liked it when my friends would get boob jobs in college, because that meant Free Water Bras for Rachie!!!!! On 1:51 AM Dec 16th 2009 from web

If people didn't have butt-holes, prison would be WAY less scary. On 3:26 AM Dec 16th 2009 from UberTwitter

Today I heard that The Jonas Brothers were like The Beatles because of their fame with the ladies. Oh, Also today I killed myself. On 5:45 AM Dec 16th 2009 from web

Every dad's worst nightmare... "Is my daughter in there?" http://twitpic.com/tquym On 2:25 PM Dec 16th 2009 from TweetDeck

Always funny seeing a bad ass Mexican dude driving around blasting music that basically sounds just like the chicken dance. On 4:59 PM Dec 16th 2009 from Tweetie

Opening for JAckie Mason, he puts the ewwwww in jew! On 5:13 PM Dec 16th 2009 from web

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