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Ha Ha April Fools Twitter

1 April 2010 View Comments

 

Well I suppose the joke is on you as we do not have a single tweet from April 1st but April Fools Day of jokes/pranks and we have plenty of jokes in 140 characters or less.

To make up for my lame April Fools Day joke I present you the video of the month by ReggieWatts

 

Warning-NSFW(Explicit as a Fuck Shit Stack Language)

 

 

South Cackalacky's Whacky Tobacky can't touch Cali's On 11:50 AM Apr 1st 2010 from web

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I'm against instant replay in baseball. As a Mets fan, I don't want to relive anything. On 1:47 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

I got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch. On 12:30 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

Sometimes, I'll post on my friend's facebook walls "Did She say yes?!".... just to get their girlfriend's hopes up.. On 7:59 AM Mar 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

#howyouathug when you wear your seat belt? Why get a "Ready to die" tattoo then? On 2:39 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

Remember: If the leprechaun sees his shadow today, six more weeks of drinking. On 2:49 PM Mar 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

The more people you know, the more everyone's life sounds the same. On 4:34 PM Mar 18th 2010 from Echofon

My bank lets me send a text and it'll text back with my balance. It's a nice feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary. On 4:47 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

Fist bump and "Hey, handsome, you look good!" from homeless woman = best possible start to day. On 5:15 PM Mar 18th 2010 from Tweetie

Should I change my name to OCHO STINKO since I'm the shit? I ain't arrogant or cocky but my football skills are #just saying On 5:58 PM Mar 18th 2010 from Swift

#Fact: R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" Chapters 1-12 is possibly one of the top 20 best comedy albums ever... On 6:25 PM Mar 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

someone just asked "how do u delete yo life" U CHEW ON A GRENADE WIT THE PIN OUT On 7:13 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

NEWSWIRE: Area Man's Plea For Help 'Liked' By 6 Friends On Facebook On 7:16 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

My day got awesome when my friend said "Hey, did I ever tell you my theory on pastry chefs?" On 7:46 PM Mar 18th 2010 from TweetDeck

http://twitpic.com/19e0xt - We just got a fresh shipment of Dick Towels! Thanks @RealDickTowel & @Glenn_Howerton! On 8:36 PM Mar 18th 2010 from TwitPic

Whenever I get nominated as "designated driver," I like to celebrate with a few drinks. On 8:56 PM Mar 18th 2010 from Twittelator

How fun is it the first time you find out someone doesn't like someone that you don't like!? Let the shit talking love fest begin!!! On 9:03 PM Mar 18th 2010 from web

#HowYouaThug with fitted shirts and a lisp On 9:20 PM Mar 18th 2010 from UberTwitter

Barry, that's not fair. RT @BarackObama: FYI, if you shitheads don't follow @robdelaney, you won't get healthcare. On 8:14 PM Mar 19th 2010 from txt

Girls who support Arsenal could play for the mens team! #youseentheircalfs On 8:28 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

It's impossible to spin a chair around and sit on it backwards without saying, "alright, listen up!" On 8:33 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

I bet dermatologists prefer topical humor. On 8:37 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

Given the economy, a more honest census form would ask, "How many people are living in your car?" On 8:39 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck On 1:31 AM Mar 8th 2010 from TweetDeck

I just learned that retweets of my Bieber tweet mentioning Bieber actually help Bieber. Bieber, you're a worthy foe. Bieber. On 8:50 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

If you have ten or more profile pics and someone has commented on 60% or more of them, that person wants to fuck you. #fb On 9:12 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

Don't forget, Monday is National Talk Like William Shatner Day. All day & night you'll need to pause mid word & gesture like a marionette. On 9:36 PM Mar 19th 2010 from Tweetie

A stripper once told me that I'm not her type. Um, yeah I am. I have a dick and 20 dollars. On 11:02 PM Mar 19th 2010 from web

Just saw a couple running together. Happy I'm having a cocktail instead of being them. On 11:47 PM Mar 19th 2010 from UberTwitter

I can't decide which I like more, side-tit or under-tit. #titistit On 11:09 PM Mar 19th 2010 from txt

Hummus tastes like B.O. smells. On 1:54 AM Mar 20th 2010 from Twittelator

I did yoga today and then had Hummus for dinner. Now I am on a hunt to find my penis! Its a new day! On 2:06 AM Mar 20th 2010 from OpenBeak

I cannot believe that someone is suing to get credit for Lady Gaga's music. On 2:34 AM Mar 20th 2010 from web

[S] Once shorthand for "black", "urban" now connotes "hipster", yet Keith Urban is a country singer from Australia. WTF, lexicon?! On 3:00 AM Mar 20th 2010 from web

RT @richsommer: If these five cups of coffee are any indication, I would hate cocaine. #fb (This is one of my favorite actors on Madmen) On 3:14 AM Mar 20th 2010 from UberTwitter

Tim Allen stopped by Improv grabbed my dick and said, 'Its Tool Time' On 3:36 AM Mar 20th 2010 from txt

Guys, if sex didn't burn calories, we'd do it a lot less. On 4:44 AM Mar 20th 2010 from UberTwitter

Gonna start calling Mexican restaurants "Fart Supply Stores." On 5:28 AM Mar 20th 2010 from Echofon

Can you grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia wars? On 8:47 AM Mar 20th 2010 from web

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~ OUCH!!!! On 10:39 AM Mar 20th 2010 from Tweetie

Mummies might be scarier if they weren't called mummies. Brits call their Moms that. Suggestion: Psycho Rotting Corpse Wrapped In Gauze. On 12:20 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

u show me a bad bitch I'll show u a nigga that tired of fucking her On 3:53 PM Mar 20th 2010 from TweetDeck

I read a recent report suggesting that a mans favorite place to be kissed is on his ears. I think it’s nuts. On 4:20 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

Does anything say 'rob me' more than walking around downtown Detroit in an argyle zip up while holding a copy of Tennis Magazine? On 5:30 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

So I finally bought a Mac, but I could've sworn these things came with a corduroy blazer and black glasses... On 6:56 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

I have just been informed the most googled thing about me is "breasts"....I dont know if I should be offended or flattered. On 7:01 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

When Ariel went from mermaid to girl, there should have been a "Look at me, I have a vagina now" song. On 8:37 PM Mar 20th 2010 from Echofon

The 1st rule of Fight Club is: No one ever addresses how homoerotic Fight Clubs are. The 2nd rule is: No girls allowed. On 9:31 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

Man Im bouta buy a church. Theres no better bizness potna than God. Not only is he a moneymaker but that dude only wants 10%. On 10:36 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

I wonder why my dick get smaller when I have to pee real bad On 10:54 PM Mar 20th 2010 from MOTOBLUR

and that the last on them. now ill change channells and comment on... hoarders!... oh no...pizza boxes? whaaaaat?.....im scared On 11:04 PM Mar 20th 2010 from web

New cigarette warning- Quitting smoking now significantly increases the amount of money you will have for better drugs. On 11:15 PM Mar 20th 2010 from txt

I just realized that if I don't start no shit, there won't be no shit. On 2:01 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from Tweetie

This whole healthcare reform thing is nice and all, but how about reforming my bracket? #hcr #marchmadness On 2:22 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from Echofon

If I unfollow you its nothing personal, its just that your tweets are violently sucking. On 2:45 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from UberTwitter

Celebrity Apprentice: Bret Michaels just used the word "Discombooberated" On 2:54 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

I hope this new health care bill also includes every American's right to a lollipop after leaving the doctor. On 3:24 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

It did take Obama too long to pass Health Care Reform. Most other presidents managed to pass it in only NEVER. On 3:29 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from mobile web

Now that health care has passed, can we please get back to the urgent issue of shooting stuff down with lasers? On 3:35 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

Wanna know a thing that has never been said? "Oh the abortion isn't covered? Nevermind, I'll just keep it." On 3:52 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from Tweetie

im bout to go have surgery tomorrow for no reason. fuck it who gon tell me no? On 4:02 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

whats the best hospital? im bout to go in that bitch and tell them I DONT FEEL RIGHT On 4:11 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

@lizzwinstead did we win? What side are we on? Can I get a free nosejob? On 4:57 AM Mar 22nd 2010 from mobile web in reply to Lizz Winstead

After hearing Boehner speak, I think we could pay for health care with a tax on lies. On 12:07 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

A somber note: we finally passed health care reform, yet Justin Bieber is still a trending topic. #hcr On 2:05 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

No matter what side of the debate you're on, looking at Nancy Pelosi makes us all want to puke. On 2:54 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

Well last night C-Span launched a new reality show: The Real House Republicans of DC. #showingtheiruglycolors On 3:03 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from Seesmic

I'm so glad health care passed, so now all you fuckers have to pay for my weed. On 3:43 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

health care reform passes. now if we can just fix people. On 5:48 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

atlanta weather is like a crazy babymama one minute she cool next minute she on that FUCK SHIT On 1:39 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

When a parody is better than the original http://bit.ly/d1XJ3r #Advertising On 5:20 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from TweetDeck

my cousin just said when I go to Scotland this week, I should tell girls that I knew Tupac. On 3:14 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

I'm psyched for jury duty tomorrow. I'm pretty sure he's guilty. Also, I hope I get to meet Sam Waterston. On 3:57 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

Overheard @ Breakfast this AM) "She started cussin'! And I was like,How you gone cuss me and you built like a hot water heater?" On 3:57 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

In political news... http://twitpic.com/1ahqwt On 8:54 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

Eating yet another hardees thickburger. Getting a strong urge to do auto repair. On 10:10 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from TweetDeck

Just sent a boy I hardly know a text that reads, "I'm pregnant and its yours." Man that joke never gets old! On 10:44 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

"Sexy is a state of mind." -- Fat chicks. On 11:02 PM Mar 22nd 2010 from web

Your words always touch me. I just wish they'd go deeper and add another finger. On 12:37 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

my catch phrases: "homey don't play that" (i made that one up) and "go get diarrhea." (made that up too.) those are both copyrighted. On 1:34 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Jas downloaded Mega Man 10 and has subsequently been filling our place with assorted curse words. On 1:51 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from TweetDeck

"One drunk can ruin a whole comedy show… especially when he's holding the mike" On 2:27 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from TweetDeck

A "Robber" just wants MONEY, a "Coward" just wants HEART, a "Lame" just wants 2 b COOL, & a "Hater" just wants 2 b ME/YOU. On 2:46 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from txt

I killed a seaturtle today that was probably going to shoot underwater footage of my weiner. What did you ever do? Not jackshit probably On 2:59 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Lady Gaga's birthday is Sunday. I sent her a box of Omaha Steaks thinking she could make an outfit out of them. On 3:59 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Your last words are usually way different than your first words. Unless lady gaga murders you. Then you're like "gaga?" On 5:10 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from txt

I wish you could auto-tune memories. On 5:58 AM Mar 23rd 2010 from TweetDeck

Doing my taxes today. Anyone have write-offs I can borrow? On 2:01 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from TweetDeck

Good thing it's called "Top Ramen" and not just "Ramen" otherwise I'd confuse it with those shitty noodles. On 2:54 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Wooo! @justinbieber's album drops today. and so do his balls. On 2:55 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

It's so quiet in this Hollywood Starbucks this morning you can hear a name drop. On 3:20 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from Tweetie

The NCAA Sweet 16 is just like MTV's Sweet 16. The kids who think it should be handed to them, whine when they don't get it. On 3:53 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Letterman nailed it last night: “Here’s more good news about the health care reform bill: It covers the Kansas Jayhawks choking.” On 6:19 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Whoever said, "a cat is the only creature that will sit on your lap and ignore you," has never been to the Spearmint Rhino. On 6:20 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Dear McDonalds, ur tv commercials r a true testament to age, gender & racial diversity, especially bc there r never any young white males. On 7:02 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop. On 7:05 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from Twittelator

The old man at the next table is my hero. He's sipping coffee, reading the paper, and farting w/o shame. Awesome. On 7:25 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from UberTwitter

Ben Roethlisberger is like tiger woods if women said no to tiger woods and he didn't care On 8:05 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

I just took a shit on a scale and I feel 4½ lbs. (2.04 kgs) lighter. On 8:07 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

Waiting for the mechanic to call with an estimate which will in turn determine what I have for lunch. The options are something or nothing. On 8:07 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

So hungover I listened to my voicemail and started talking back to my friend who left a message as if we were having a conversation. On 9:13 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from UberTwitter

"Popping your cherry" is more a female term 4 losing ones virginity. What can guys call it? How about bleeding white? On 10:08 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

@danecook nutting your nugget. On 10:10 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web in reply to Dane Cook

New term options 4 a guy losing their virginity. Bleeding white. Melting the pearl. Firing a milky bullet into the pink nest. On 10:18 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

I've just had a text conversation and an email conversation with the same person at the same time. I might Skype to get the hat-trick On 11:53 PM Mar 23rd 2010 from web

My new cooking show, "Will Sasso Cooks With His Exposed Dick Really Close to the Food" premieres tonight (8/7 Central) in my mind. Be there! On 12:13 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

I've had a very full day of smoking pot & filling out my unemployment form. That's the way everyone makes $900, right? On 12:37 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

Just asked my dry cleaner if he can get out DNA? He said, "if not we can make the whole shirt disappear." Wow. Gotta love Russians. On 1:09 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

That wasn't a spa. RT @ParisHilton Had an amazing facial today at my favorite spa Kate Somerville. They are the best! On 1:30 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

Hey Justin Bieber, #youlooklikethetype that would call "top" when it comes to bunk-beds, but not butt-sex. On 1:48 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

I can live for two months on a good compliment. On 2:16 AM Mar 24th 2010 from Tweetie

My landlord wants cash. // RT @comedypace: I can live for two months on a good compliment. On 2:27 AM Mar 24th 2010 from TweetDeck

marriage is, like, the buddy system for tax filing. On 2:32 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

The transvestites along Santa Monica Blvd are so creative...I can appreciate that!! A for effort!! (A is also for Adams Apple) On 5:28 AM Mar 24th 2010 from UberTwitter

Awesome! I just became Mayor of the bathroom in my house! #IDontGetFourSquare On 9:14 AM Mar 24th 2010 from web

My oldest daughter is now a teenager. I've prepared for this day by preemptively hating myself for the last 40 years. On 1:25 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

Still depressed that S Club 7 broke up. On 2:40 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

Helen Mirren has TILFs: Tits I'd Like to Fuck On 1:31 AM Mar 8th 2010 from TweetDeck

"I dont know about you guys, but the iPad will revolutionize the way that I masturbate." -Steve Jobs On 8:08 PM Mar 24th 2010 from Twittelator

"You cannot deny the power of 3-D tits" On 8:50 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

I wish more words ended in "ography." There'd be a bigger job market. On 9:38 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

I like how UPS calls end with "Thank you for choosing UPS." I didn't choose you, my stupid shipper did. I have no choice in the matter. On 9:54 PM Mar 24th 2010 from TweetDeck

White House Declares Biden Not Safe For Work On 9:57 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

When I see tweets like these, I feel like I should just quit. #perfection // RT @serafinowicz: Having an orgy tonight. I hope people come. On 10:42 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord will clear my browsing history. On 10:54 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

It's good luck if a bird shits on you, but it's magnificent luck if you're able to return the favor. On 11:36 PM Mar 24th 2010 from txt

Dear white sales reps. theres no need to say "Thats how I roll shawty" to black customers. just Be yourself #turndownyourblackness On 11:41 PM Mar 24th 2010 from web

If you unexpectedly rhyme during a conversation, please let it go. On 1:49 AM Mar 25th 2010 from Tweetie

Finally watching the Big Lebowski... for the first time. Let the insults roll in. On 3:24 AM Mar 25th 2010 from Touiteur

4 u chics that have gotten chunky/comfy in ur relationships.. A good way 2 drop the lbs is to have a nigga breakup w/u On 4:06 AM Mar 25th 2010 from Echofon

#SometimesIwonder "Do dead relatives watch you masturbate?" 'Cause my creepy uncle did when he was still alive. On 4:30 AM Mar 25th 2010 from mobile web

I like when chicks say, "All you wanna do is get in my pants.." Cmon I'm a fat guy, I have enough problems getting into my own pants...... On 5:10 AM Mar 25th 2010 from web

Dear Weds crowd, no one has ever heckled me "I'm going to stab you" so thank you for being a first. You sucked. On 7:14 AM Mar 25th 2010 from web

Writing a script for a movie where Will Smith is the last person to use AOL Instant Messenger. It's called IM Legend. On 5:21 PM Mar 25th 2010 from web

I'mma be deaf if I have to listen to the Black Eyed Peas ever again. On 5:37 PM Mar 25th 2010 from Echofon

HILARIOUS banned Disney photos: http://afx.cc/mickey On 7:08 PM Mar 25th 2010 from web

"We will work together one day" in LA that means "there is no chance I'm doing shit with you ever". #LoveThePhony On 7:15 PM Mar 25th 2010 from UberTwitter

If i could time travel & murder 1 person...it'd probly be the person who invented those ball sacks that people put on the back of trucks... On 7:44 PM Mar 25th 2010 from txt

http://twitpic.com/1avdlj - This is down the street from where we're rehearsing. I guess nothing sells liquor like a maniacal circus clown. On 7:56 PM Mar 25th 2010 from TwitPic

@roywoodjr #BestBeefLines I'm about a dollar what the fuck is 50 cents. Jay-Z vs 50 cents On 8:40 PM Mar 25th 2010 from twidroid in reply to Roy Wood, Jr.

What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organised. On 8:48 PM Mar 25th 2010 from web

OMGDUVALFACT: a nigga will always justify why they snitched On 8:40 PM Mar 26th 2010 from web

I'm predicting the next big hip hop fashion accessory: Thimbles. Gold thimbles. Worn on two or three fingers per hand. On 8:45 PM Mar 26th 2010 from web

My phone auto-corrected "haha" to "hauser", so now when I think something is funny I'm going to yell "hauser!" On 9:08 PM Mar 26th 2010 from web

Females need 2 remember that makeup was meant 2 enhance, not disguise. U get treated like a clown cuz u look like one. #lessISmore On 9:19 PM Mar 26th 2010 from web

I'm a Gummi-Bear racist...I only eat the red ones...they're the best... On 9:24 PM Mar 26th 2010 from txt

Urban Outfitters: because thrift store clothes should cost more. On 9:34 PM Mar 26th 2010 from web

New sex move! "The Friendly Sanchez"- You're bangin' a chick & right when you're about to come, you lean in & whisper "I love you." On 10:55 PM Mar 26th 2010 from txt

Dear creepy guy staring at me in long island railroad, your family hates you and now so do I. Love Amy On 10:40 PM Mar 26th 2010 from mobile web

Those canoe shoes don't make your butt look great they're just so hideous it stops people from looking at your butt at all. On 1:27 AM Mar 27th 2010 from web

It's about time we changed the name of Shirley Temples and Roy Rogers' to Hannah Montanas and Ed Harris'. On 2:11 AM Mar 27th 2010 from Tweetie

"I see other people's jokes being told by other comics" *sixth sense voice* On 3:27 AM Mar 27th 2010 from UberTwitter

Txted someone I was going to the Jigga show at Staples tonight. I think they thought I misspelled something mad racist. Woops. On 3:29 AM Mar 27th 2010 from Echofon

Pyrotechnicians can make up to $65 dollars an hour...so maybe it would be smart to encourage your children to play with fire. On 4:19 AM Mar 27th 2010 from web

Fuck guys who can't wait to say "Good morning" as soon as the clock strikes midnight. On 8:54 AM Mar 27th 2010 from UberTwitter

@chrisdelia they're the same twunts who say "See you next year!" on Dec. 31st. On 9:03 AM Mar 27th 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to Chris D'Elia

if you write "chicken scratch" in chicken scratch, it probably looks like "chicken's crotch." On 12:49 PM Mar 27th 2010 from web

A baby's only thought for the first twelve months: "what the f*ck?!" On 1:23 PM Mar 27th 2010 from Tweetie

Colombia is introducing a new line of cocaine today. On 2:49 PM Mar 27th 2010 from web

Overheard in the bathroom stall at @CarolinaCup: "The economy has gone to hell when nobody is selling boiled peanuts." On 3:05 PM Mar 27th 2010 from Echofon

Why all barbers think they dr. Phil? On 3:52 PM Mar 27th 2010 from MOTOBLUR

Dog To Allow Child 3 More Yanks On Tail Before Putting An End To This http://onion.com/8XsARz On 4:00 PM Mar 27th 2010 from API

Fun new response to Q whose answer is obvious Yes: "Does the Pope wear a funny hat (while he covers up pesky boy rape stories?)" On 5:09 PM Mar 27th 2010 from txt

Spring is here, it's beautiful outside and I should probably do something. Like close the blinds to stop the glare on my screen. On 5:21 PM Mar 27th 2010 from web

The Pope has really put the "been a dick" in Benedict lately. On 4:44 PM Mar 28th 2010 from Tweetie

Dear four year old next to me on the plane: fuck you. On 4:48 PM Mar 28th 2010 from UberTwitter

Sayings that never caught on #36- An apple a day will prevent drive-by shootings and racism. On 5:40 PM Mar 28th 2010 from UberTwitter

Posted up by the pool. Not moving for the rest of the day. To get me from this chair will take brute force, threat of violence, or lunch On 6:24 PM Mar 28th 2010 from TweetDeck

HOOP GLOSSARY: Swish (Basket). Swoosh (Nike logo). Swish-swoosh, swish-swoosh (Bob Huggins walking in tracksuit). On 6:32 PM Mar 28th 2010 from web

Dear People In Los Angeles with Swimming Pools, Let's be friends! Love, April On 8:03 PM Mar 28th 2010 from Echofon

Going to have brunch with an old girlfriend. Sort of like time traveling back to a land of pain and sadness. With a side of bacon! On 8:16 PM Mar 28th 2010 from web

I'm in the hood and they telling me bout all the killings that happened and they excited too On 8:53 PM Mar 28th 2010 from MOTOBLUR

Oh shit, I have a boner. Time to stop twittering and get on Chatroulette On 9:07 PM Mar 28th 2010 from web

http://twitpic.com/1bmno6 - Best cups ever! :{ mustache! On 11:00 PM Mar 28th 2010 from TwitPic

The world is not round... The majority of it is pretty damn square. On 1:56 AM Mar 29th 2010 from txt

why aren't all board games just called bored games... when else do you play them? On 2:18 AM Mar 29th 2010 from mobile web

I will trade anyone my 3 Ja Rule CDs for whatever you have in left pocket right now. It could be a dead monkey. I don't care. On 6:15 AM Mar 29th 2010 from UberTwitter

Here's a little secret! I sign every MEMO space on my checks with: 'Hiding Billy's Dead Dog.' I bet I make a banker's day EVERY DAY!!! On 7:34 AM Mar 29th 2010 from web

Got a forward telling me Michelle Obama is a Muslim. This ignores the Quran's strong "no-sleeveless-tank-dresses" policy. On 7:44 AM Mar 29th 2010 from web

NY State Sen. wants to ban saggy, loose-fitting pants. Yankees respond by trading CC Sabathia back to Brewers. On 9:36 AM Mar 29th 2010 from web

"Christian Scientists wear glasses so that they don't accidentally walk into a hospital." - Bob K. On 1:58 PM Mar 29th 2010 from web

i call my new profile pic "a family that shits together sticks together" On 3:16 PM Mar 29th 2010 from web

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. On 4:00 PM Mar 29th 2010 from web

Birthdays are like penises because I only like mine. On 4:24 PM Mar 29th 2010 from web

Noticing a woman isn't wearing a bra is quite literally my favorite thing in this world. Better than a smile from a child. On 5:10 PM Mar 29th 2010 from txt

I'm Monday morning quarterbacking my weekend right now ..could'a done some things better .. On 5:43 PM Mar 29th 2010 from web

U ever looked inside an empty fridge twice as if the grocery fairy put sum shit in there? #random On 6:00 PM Mar 29th 2010 from Echofon

sometimes i think about tweeting and then i don't tweet. i live. On 6:47 PM Mar 29th 2010 from TweetDeck

LIVIN' LA VIDA NO-DUH! "I'm gay!" Says Ricky Martin #NYPostHeadlines On 2:31 AM Mar 30th 2010 from Tweetie

why do they call "boy shorts" boy shorts? what str8 boy wheres those shorts? On 2:34 AM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Kate Gosselin is as good at dancing as she is at parenting. On 2:55 AM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Nothing makes me happier than to see a really pretty girl crying and saying "it's not FAIR!" (via @ScottAukerman) On 2:59 AM Mar 30th 2010 from web

got a case of the mondays. think i picked them up on spring break in cabo. lot of itching On 3:38 AM Mar 30th 2010 from web

If you eliminate alcohol, erectile dysfunction usually disappears… along with most of your partners. On 4:06 AM Mar 30th 2010 from TweetDeck

In the news: Ricky Martin admits to being gay. Also in the news: Water is wet. On 4:20 AM Mar 30th 2010 from Tweetie

Where is this new nightclub Seder? Sounds like everyone is there tonight! On 4:40 AM Mar 30th 2010 from Echofon

The only thing gay guys like more than not having to stand in line is having to stand in line and complain about it. On 4:41 AM Mar 30th 2010 from web

My newest ad and billboard http://tweetphoto.com/16385426 On 4:47 AM Mar 30th 2010 from TweetDeck

I think parents don't have the "this email isn't funny, so I shouldn't forward it" gene. On 5:18 AM Mar 30th 2010 from Twittelator

American Voices: California To Legalize Marijuana? http://onion.com/dl1aQM On 1:30 PM Mar 30th 2010 from API

Nets win 10th game, avoid worst record. Few more wins & we'll have to go back to making fun of Knicks for sucking again On 1:47 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

HuffPo's new slogan: "The Huffington Post: When You Want To Know What The Bassist From Spinal Tap Thinks Of Obama's Afghanistan Trip" On 2:11 PM Mar 30th 2010 from Tweetie

Old School Ads that are,well... they're um, interesting... http://bit.ly/bIxL4t #Advertising On 2:13 PM Mar 30th 2010 from TweetDeck

My parents always told me. "You can be anything you want to be." Now they look at me like, "THIS is what you chose?" On 2:50 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

"My sweatpants with the hole in them have been banned from the strip club" On 3:24 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

I remember the good old days when Power Point was a gesture you did with your finger when yelling at somebody .. On 5:39 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Non-Dogmatic Vodka. For those occasions when you’re not Absolut. On 6:03 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

So this Tanning Salon Tax is basically the government's way of letting those Jersey Shore kids cover the deficit? I like it. On 6:07 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Sometimes I put women up on a pedestal, but that's only 'cause the floor is lava. On 6:23 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Church sets up abuse hotline: "If you've been molested by a priest, press 1. If you'd like to be molested, press 2." On 7:05 PM Mar 30th 2010 from UberTwitter

I shit you not. Someone has a mixtape called "Trap to the Future." http://bit.ly/7F5L0g On 8:08 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Passover is just something us Catholics do to the 10 Commandments. On 8:32 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

So I either gotta announce I'm gay, be a Canadian pop/R&B singer or remake Rosemary's Baby to be a trending topic? I think I'll just OD..... On 8:33 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Hey Vatican! You're pretty much leaving me no choice but to start raping priests. On 8:43 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

Facebook is now just a place I stop by to see if I can find pictures of women from Twitter in bikinis. On 10:13 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

No. I do not want to share a spoonful of humus with five people. #fucktapas On 11:01 PM Mar 30th 2010 from Tweetie

#youmightwannastop pushing out farts. You may get more than you bargained for. On 11:41 PM Mar 30th 2010 from web

At the bank. Handed teller a note w/ a limp penis drawn on it. Turned around and left. On 12:00 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

(803): you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila. On 12:10 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

#YouEverNotice that a breast milk pump doesn't double as a penis enlarger... Trust me On 1:18 AM Mar 31st 2010 from Tweetie

If Tiger wants to win back his fan base, at The Masters he should tee off with his cock. On 1:27 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

#AmericaIsFunny. You won't allow prayer in schools, but will hold a rally to support same sex proms. On 2:22 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

I've always been a fan of K-Swiss but after seeing this TV ad even more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yWj3qAxasw&feature=related On 2:51 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

If you're a registered sex offender, that's bad. If you're a Jehovah's Witness, that's even worse. If you're both, that's pretty convenient. On 3:51 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

My mom told me it's time to finally save up and get a security blanket. I want to but I can't. I can barely afford a Snuggie & some mace. On 4:21 AM Mar 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

Addicentally posting a direct message to your Twitter feed is the new food in your teeth. On 4:29 AM Mar 31st 2010 from TweetDeck

KFC is called KFC for a reason. They no longer call it Kentucky Fried Chicken. It's offensive to real CHICKENS. On 5:16 AM Mar 31st 2010 from web

Dear United Airlines Flight attendant, why were you so rude to me? You're built like a Super Nintendo. #supermariokartbody On 12:00 PM Mar 31st 2010 from web

[P] BTW, Good morning and welcome to our ~2500 new followers (mostly #RSA). As you have seen, each morning starts with a dick joke. On 12:58 PM Mar 31st 2010 from web

I realize I misspelled a word in my last Tweet. On that note I'm about to eat a Famous Anus cookie. On 2:31 PM Mar 31st 2010 from UberTwitter

When people use the term "too much information" it makes me want to punch them in the face and not tell them why. On 2:52 PM Mar 31st 2010 from web

Nobody cares if your shitty puns were intended or not. On 3:16 PM Mar 31st 2010 from Tweetie

Imagine communication if the satellites fail."My cell phone's not working!""Mine neither!""Have we met?""No, I'm your neighbor."Scary! 8^• On 3:48 PM Mar 31st 2010 from web

Life is like a burger. u have family (meat), friends (lettuce), relationships (onions). But it's never as good when u have no money (cheese) On 4:05 PM Mar 31st 2010 from Tweed

I'm so fat, I had to sign up for "chunky" salsa dance classes. On 4:17 PM Mar 31st 2010 from twidroid

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