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Halloween & Oct Twitter Tweets

19 November 2009 View Comments

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Happy Halloween, the time of year where anyone can dress like slut (and by anyone I unfortunately mean everyone).  However Halloween is a public options everyone seems to get behind by publicly becoming slut or maniac.  What are you dressed as??? Oh I'm a slutty nurse, slutty mad hatter, slutty bunny, slutty peacock (peacock sound slutty enough), slutty teacher, slutty cheerleader, slutty bee and slutty slut slut.  NOTE: Make it a point to watch a fist fight at a Halloween Party, it is one of the best things anyone could ever witness.  Watching somone in a baby costume beat up someone dressed as an old man is simply amazing! 

Sexy Twitter Costume   Funny Tweets

I either got better at drunk texting or I got better at drunk driving. Either way, I'm riding home like a champion. On 8:20 AM Oct 30th 2009 from Tweetie

Every single Kramer entrance from Seinfeld: http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/348d On 4:51 AM Oct 30th 2009 from web

"I just burped in my pants" - my friend Nidhal, age 5 On 3:34 AM Oct 30th 2009 from txt

"Brevity is the soul of wit" reveals the source of Shakespeare's literary genius: premature ejaculation. On 2:40 AM Oct 30th 2009 from web

i ate my lunch from a spork today. i can't even remember what life was like before i made it big. probably very similar to life now. On 1:13 AM Oct 30th 2009 from web

For Halloween I think I'm going to go as a "slutty" slut. On 12:57 AM Oct 30th 2009 from TweetDeck

If spelling came in a pill, I would need a perscription. On 12:38 AM Oct 30th 2009 from web

Q: How many Phillies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but the light will be in Philadelphia so what's the point? On 12:17 AM Oct 30th 2009 from Echofon

I know I'm not getting myself nominated for any "funniest tweets" list but sometimes I just have to tell you guys about taped cats. On 11:18 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

Best conversation I've ever overheard, "f--k that! I can't even SPELL beyonce." On 10:56 PM Oct 29th 2009 from Tweetie

 

I saw a Nun in full habit our eyes locked, I thought I was going to burst into flames. But no just a few drops of blood came out of my nose. On 8:47 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

MY TRAINER: "Anyway, she just moved here and all she does is brag about her photo shoots." ME: "That's so LA." MY TRAINER: "Homos say that." On 8:14 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

Someone just sent me one of those dumb videos where you look closely and then a scary ghost pops up and screams. I have poop in my hands. On 7:23 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

I think it's just counting your dick and balls? RT @gabeliedman why is "genitals" ALWAYS plural? am i supposed to have more than i do? On 6:47 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

@OGOchoCinco does his best talking when hes wired for sound by NFL Films http://tr.im/Dus6 "Sound FX" airs Weds at 4pm on NFL Network. On 6:33 PM Oct 29th 2009 from Echofon in reply to Chad Ochocinco

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." On 5:11 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

I saw this guy for real in Palm Springs. Best doll of all time? http://bit.ly/5xi73 On 4:28 PM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

Sports: Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought http://ow.ly/15Y6m7 On 2:26 PM Oct 29th 2009 from HootSuite

 

I'm high on life. My life just happens to revolve around heavy marijuana smoking. On 1:44 PM Oct 29th 2009 from UberTwitter

I'm going to see Paranormal Activity tonight to escape from the normal activity in the world that is scaring the shit out of me. On 1:24 PM Oct 29th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

Moonwalk Fail. http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/35bj On 10:21 AM Oct 29th 2009 from web

Here's a saying I just made up, "Even the greatest of boobs shall eventually sag." It basically means, "Live it up while you still can." On 7:05 AM Oct 29th 2009 from UberTwitter

 

RT @duncantrussell It must suck to be a Nigerian billionaire who actually needs to put money into an overseas account. On 4:38 AM Oct 29th 2009 from web

 

Walking through the mall by myself while cutting horrible farts is oddly satisfying. On 1:48 AM Oct 29th 2009 from Tweetie

 

Some lady is singing along to the radio in the waiting room #stfu #publicplace #yousoundterrible On 12:58 AM Oct 29th 2009 from TweetDeck

have somehow gotten Showtime 2 for free. After watching it for a few days, i still feel I'm paying too much. On 10:34 PM Oct 28th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

I've been "listed" 109 times today. Does that explain the burning sensation? On 10:32 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

When Chunk took home Sloth at the end of Goonies that probably didn't work out as well he hoped. On 10:10 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

Just snorted some TamiFlu off @KimKardashian's "Honda Ridgeline". On 9:45 PM Oct 28th 2009 from txt

 

The best part of being rejected the key to the city from Dayton, OH is that I don't have to go to Dayton, OH. On 8:58 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." On 8:39 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

Seeing a Muppet's legs delights me every time. On 8:15 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

World Series begins. And again two US teams make it to the big game. Sorry Belgium! On 6:32 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

Agassi used meth? This shouldn't be news to anyone who remembers his mullet, neon tank top, and short jean shorts phase. On 4:43 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

For Halloween I'm going as an iPhone. I'll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch. On 3:14 PM Oct 28th 2009 from Echofon

 

Marijuana Legalization Movement Gets Support from Frito-Lay On 1:27 PM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

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Most waitresses at Hooter's seem like girls in gym class who can't wait for it to be over. On 6:37 AM Oct 28th 2009 from mobile web

 

Going to Myspace is like banging an ex, I'm not ready to let go so I visit when facebook isn't putting out. But I always feel dirty after. On 4:11 AM Oct 28th 2009 from web

I think it's weird that in Dirty Dancing that one girl had an abortion yet the lead character's name is Baby. On 4:05 AM Oct 28th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

Andre Agassi admitted using crystal meth lil did he know his early 90's shitty garage band haircut already told us! On 1:38 AM Oct 28th 2009 from txt

 

went to the gym today for the first time in months- thought i'd say hello before i'm too sore to move. happy tuesday all! On 12:07 AM Oct 28th 2009 from web

 

DJ Hero: Because some parents would rather guarantee their son will never get laid than talk to him about sex. On 7:52 PM Oct 27th 2009 from web

 

I'm inventing a knife-spoon-fork combo called a klusterfork. On 5:35 PM Oct 27th 2009 from web

 

I figured out that cake was invented before cupcakes. Because if cupcakes were first then they'd be cake and cake would be platecake. On 4:38 PM Oct 27th 2009 from web

I'm not into sex tapes. You have to set up a camera...I don't want to have to put batteries in two things before I have sex. On 4:52 AM Oct 27th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

The washington redskins should be penalized a #1 draft pick for being so bad! On 3:27 AM Oct 27th 2009 from txt

 

I will be on The NFL Today this Sunday on CBS to show them how broadcasting should be done On 3:18 AM Oct 27th 2009 from MOTOBLUR

The only penis I like is on me right now (mine). On 3:00 AM Oct 27th 2009 from UberTwitter

 

I'm convinced that @chriswinfield, much like Chuck Norris, never sleeps. The man is online 24/7. I think he's the Internet Santa Claus... On 2:51 AM Oct 27th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

RT @tonyhawk "girl at restaurant: 'Are you Tony Hawk?' me: 'Yes.' her: 'Why?' I had no idea how to answer." Hilarious. On 2:36 AM Oct 27th 2009 from web

Damn! Just got a nice strong whiff of "feel good". Pretty sure it was cocaine, but I'll take it! On 11:47 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

I've had nothing to eat all day. Except for 2 pairs of EDIBLE PANTIES. Because that's the way I live my life. On 11:16 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

For halloween I see sexy nurses and sexy cops. No one is ever a sexy prostitute. On 10:58 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

I'm gonna go walk somewhere that's not interesting, do something that's boring then come back and sit in a chair. On 10:54 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

BREAKING: Changes to Facebook Feed Angers People With No Lives On 8:02 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

Twitter from the shitter. On 7:30 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

Left knee on fire after six hours in coach. Not enough icy/hot and weed in world to heal me. But I'll try anyway. On 7:22 PM Oct 26th 2009 from Echofon

 

You know when you fill the Brita, but it's top-heavy until the water drips through the filter? That's how I feel. Water-brained. On 6:57 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit." On 5:46 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

In Focus: 'Tony's Law' Would Require Marijuana Users To Inform Interested Neighbors http://ow.ly/15XoY5 On 5:23 PM Oct 26th 2009 from HootSuite

 

Actual sign in Tampa: "Phantom Fireworks - Party Like A Pyro" On 4:36 PM Oct 26th 2009 from Echofon

 

Just for @thebrianposehn, I knocked out the guy sitting next to me! #punchastrangermonday http://twitpic.com/n124k On 4:02 PM Oct 26th 2009 from Twittelator

New Study: All you sons of bitches can go to hell. On 2:58 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

my tombstone will read: I tried to not be a dick. On 2:05 PM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

Guess what American Airlines ticket lady who couldn't upgrade me and said "it's not always fun to be tall,huh" it's #punchastrangermonday On 12:07 PM Oct 26th 2009 from Echofon

 

The Yankees are going to the World Series! Millions of New York residents are going to the hat store! On 4:11 AM Oct 26th 2009 from web

Fans praying to god at sporting events. Really? With everything wrong in this world u want god to make sure a pop up is caught. #mlbpulse On 3:28 AM Oct 26th 2009 from Echofon

 

As much as it may seem otherwise, metrosexuals + people w/ weird food allergies are people too. On 2:37 AM Oct 26th 2009 from txt

 

#itshouldbeillegal for people's lips to look like moon crags. Chapstick is less than a buck. On 1:45 AM Oct 26th 2009 from web

 

[audio] Kellogg's Worker Knew He Was Fired The Moment He Uttered The Word 'Unfrosted' http://ow.ly/15Xh2M On 1:21 AM Oct 26th 2009 from HootSuite

the best revenge is living well. the second best revenge is acid in face. who will love them now? On 10:39 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

 

Looks like Jay Cutler is facing elimination in this week's episode of So You Think You Can Play Quarterback. On 10:27 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Echofon

 

A girlfriend just suggested we do a "girls night." That's basically like saying "let's go out and pay for our own drinks!" On 9:44 PM Oct 25th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

The mainstreaming of K-Y lube is evidence of a declining work ethic. Nobody wants to work for it anymore. It was once called foreplay. On 8:18 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

Jared is like the patron saint of Subway. "Make a pilgramage to Subway and all ur fastfood sins will be forgiven" On 7:15 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Echofon

 

Audience at Bush's Motivational Speech Commits Mass Suicide On 6:50 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

 

Bout to stroll up the block with the glock. On 6:35 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

 

RT @sportsguy33: Just remember, life could be worse - you could be David Spade abusing the memory of dead buddy Chris Farley in a DirecTV ad On 6:14 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Echofon

Dear 98.7, do u really need to play puddle of mud songs? They've fallen back into obscurity for a reason, let them rest there. Thanks. On 6:14 PM Oct 25th 2009 from UberTwitter

 

Why hasn't there been a Christmas movie called "Grandfather Claus" yet? On 5:51 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

 

Do strippers have dreams about going to work with clothes on? On 5:41 PM Oct 25th 2009 from TweetDeck

 

if something is "needless to say," then why do people always say it? you just told me it was "needless." "to say." On 5:20 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

 

Thrift stores acting as Halloween stores: "You could be a hippie? A pimp? Someone who likes to wear the clothes of the recently deceased?" On 5:04 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Echofon

Comedy has taught me that when there's a black guy in a bowler hat and pin-stripped suit sittin' right up front, there's gonna be trouble. On 3:46 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

After seeing that 3D movie - my normal vision bores me. This is 3D? Please. On 3:36 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Tweetie

Myriad smells on this tiny plane to DC. I'm also bewildered by the amount of adult open-air coughing. Who raised this plane? On 1:58 PM Oct 25th 2009 from Twittelator

 

Yes, breakfast, we know you're the most important meal of the day but get over yourself already. And stop being such a dick to lunch. On 12:23 PM Oct 25th 2009 from web

I would never follow a girl on twitter because of how hot she is. But I would in real life. On 8:19 AM Oct 25th 2009 from UberTwitter

[S] I'm thinking of a number in betwen 1 and I've had too much Bourbon. On 1:52 AM Oct 25th 2009 from web

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Gays #oneletteroffmovies On 1:03 AM Oct 25th 2009 from web

Stomp the Tard #oneletteroffmovies On 12:51 AM Oct 25th 2009 from web

Raiders Of The Lost Arm #oneletteroffmovies On 12:28 AM Oct 25th 2009 from web

am I the only one who hates Tim Tebow so much that I almost feel like im against christianity? On 12:05 AM Oct 25th 2009 from mobile web

They say violent movies cause violence? No. High school musical makes me want to punch someone in the face. On 12:04 AM Oct 25th 2009 from TweetDeck

playing a fun game of "homeless or hip" in santa monica. On 11:51 PM Oct 24th 2009 from mobile web

She's Gotta Have Tit RT @lizzwinstead The Green Milf #oneletteroffmovies On 11:23 PM Oct 24th 2009 from web

The Green Milf #oneletteroffmovies On 11:23 PM Oct 24th 2009 from TweetDeck

Planet of the Rapes RT @samantharonson Malice in wonderland #oneletteroffmovies On 11:15 PM Oct 24th 2009 from web

Malice in wonderland #oneletteroffmovies On 11:12 PM Oct 24th 2009 from Tweetie

Farrenheit 7/11 RT @SarahKSilverman Three Men End a Baby #oneletteroffmovies On 11:11 PM Oct 24th 2009 from web

Three Men End a Baby #oneletteroffmovies On 11:05 PM Oct 24th 2009 from web

I bet cheerleaders are really good at faking orgasms. On 10:52 PM Oct 24th 2009 from TweetDeck

Problem number 84 among which a bitch is not one: Bagel places close too early. On 12:46 AM Oct 23rd 2009 from Tweetie

A guy on a plane told me when I reclined my seat, it crushed his knees. I told him that nothing gave me more pleasure than knowing that. On 8:47 PM Oct 22nd 2009 from web

Isn't it weird that 1/2 the people on Earth have doodle-sticks + the other 1/2 have yum-yum pockets? On 8:43 PM Oct 22nd 2009 from txt

I have an enormous piece of art. On 8:42 PM Oct 22nd 2009 from web

More shows tonight and the rest of the weekend at Denver ComedyWorks Landmark! Today I might go fuck up Eddie Bauer. Denver loves fleece. On 7:10 PM Oct 22nd 2009 from TweetDeck

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Sports: Dopey-Looking Guy Who Doesn't Know He's On Jumbotron Jay Cutler http://ow.ly/15Wx01 On 2:50 PM Oct 22nd 2009 from HootSuite

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