Hilarious Twitter Tweets of November
25 November 2009
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Hilarious Twitter Tweets From November 2009
If you are anything like me you never know what to Tweet about because let's be honest no one wants to be the person that tweets mindless bullshit like…going to the gym, Oh my cat is just crazy, Want to learn how to make money on twitter…ask me how and Just saw the Time Travelers Wife, it was amazing…ugh!
We have found Twitter to be much more fun when you Follow Interesting & Funny People (Note never follow Allyssa Milano as sexy as she may be). Here are some of the Best Twitter Updates From The Month of November. It depends on your style of Humor but there is something for everyone here.
And if you can't ever think of anything clever to put on Twitter then just ReTweet people like we do!
I have nothing original, I just Retweet
Facebook now suggests that I poke certain people. Who does it think it is? The voice in my head when I'm drunk?
had an awesome day. the tailgating was great. the hotdogs were great. the seats were great. the game was great. the outcome was terrible.
I won the New York Marathon today. Here's a pic of me at mile 13 ahead of the runners & TV crew. http://twitpic.com/nyous
Dear Geico, I get it. We could save money switching to Geico. Here's one for you. You could save money not advertising. I don't own a car
When I talk to boring people I wanna shit my pants. When they say "What's that smell?" I'd say "I just shit myself because you're boring."
dear satan, send me some new material and i'll stop making fun of your friend ryan seacrest. best wishes, nick
Giving blood today (not my own).
Yes I did Playboy. No I'm not a sellout. It's a comedy issue. No I'm not 40. Yes I look older on TV. No shit there's airbrushing.
is standing in line and the Birmingham Jefferson-County DMV. I've been in line since last Thursday.
Haha. My stupid ATM just asked asked me if I wanted to see my balance. Why would I ever do that? So I could ruin a good day?
Just accidentally belched walking into a bookstore, then did the super femme "Oh my" hand to the chest move. I'm awesome.
Bank teller: "Are you that douchebag from I Love You, Man?" (I nod) He goes, "I fucking knew it!"
Floating on an innertube down a river of liquor.
Almost the end of the day. I've gone from "pants crappingly" busy to "pants fartingly" busy. Slight improvement!
When Jay-Z & Beyonce make love, the beauty of their mutual orgasm cries sets off a 2nd superorgasm that would kill one of us
If I was a woman, I'd have great tits.
[audio] Coroner To Work From Home Today http://ow.ly/15Zgzm
Goodnight to you all and remember haters are merely confused admirers, accept the vegetables for they taste bad but r so good for you.zzzzzz
Let's go Phillies!! I've never been happier that I bought a 52" TV. Sure I had to live on ramen for a month- but so worth it!
One of my first jokes was, "when I was kid my mother told me, 'when you grow up not everyone is gonna like you." and I said, "I need names."
Want to go broke writing about comedy? Ask me how!
I had the craziest dream about me last night.
Mom visiting, told her I had work to do. Work=getting high in backyard and listening to skeletonwitch in my office. Same shit, new band.
I finally broke my drug addiction!!! Now I just need a fix...
People who don't refridgerate ketchup, annoy me
When a rapper says "Throw your hands in the air!" I karate chop off other peoples' hands & throw them in the air.
What makes the faces I do during intercourse so incredible is the fact that I'm so natural about it. I don't force anything.
@chrisdelia that's dumb.
Has ANYONE lost their job for destroying the economy? I was once fired for bein late 3 times in a month and I didn't bankrupt anybody. #p2
Amazing. Lost all rock star street cred in just one tweet: http://twitter.com/SlashHudson/status/5439827764
if it weren't for sex and beer being an adult would totally blow.
I heard Taco Bell's black taco is getting busy with a lot of white girls.
Every Yankee looks like someone who would spill his beer on me in a bar and then call me "buddy."
Can you really call it "babysitting" when it's your own child? More like "parenting."
If the person behind me on the plane is following me on Twitter: please shut up.
Is it fair to say iTunes has become a 99 Cents store? #fb
Unless you're looking for "masturbation lessons", you should stay away from my car on my lunch break.
If I smoked I would be the coolest smoker in the world, similar to Brad Pitt in SLEEPERS but even cooler.
No matter how many ties I pretend to look at, it is obvious to everyone in Nordstrom's that I came in only to take a shit.
Can we change the word "addiction" to "enthusiasm?" As in: "I have an alcohol enthusiasm?" It just sounds nicer.
I had fun last night...at least that's what everyone keeps telling me
#onmymoma if I was Rihanna I'd date weird dudes that changed there last names to numbers<---oh snap that's me, wait Gucci n LV don't mix :(
The ponytail is the female equivalent of the baseball cap.
Doctor Strangelove RT @steveagee: #realfilmsnotpornfilms Easy Rider
Dirty Work @bobsaget RT @Matttheking: @RealJeffreyRoss Above the Rim #realfilmsnotpornfilms
Dear 3 valley girls next to me at sushi place- your shrill voices are drilling a hole in my brain. For the love of god shut the fuck up!
And I don't care about your snowboarding or your "first run evahhh!" and neither does anyone else. how loud can you be? Yes I'll record
The only thing dorkier than being totally obsessed with online gaming is being over 35 and getting into MMA and wearing TAPOUT shirts.
As I fly over the country, I realize Miley Cyrus has been right this whole time. There is a party in the USA.
i dropped my toothbrush in the toilet. i didn't think that happened outside of ben stiller movies.
Dragged to super douche nightclub for my cousins bday. It smells like Red Bull and sweat. Also many girls with great personalities! Ugh.
What's Plan B? #threewordsaftersex
Don't tell Mommy! RT @CarollaBoards: No Change Given RT @RealJeffreyRoss God Is Great! RT @steveagee Sorry I Farted #threewordsaftersex
Tastes like chicken RT @davidwain: They're happy tears. #threewordsaftersex
Buy the car. #threewordsaftersex
You need floss? #threewordsaftersex
Muppets perform "Devil Went Down To Georgia" http://afx.cc/adq Weird that I don't remember this AT ALL.
I'm not saying it's right but I definitely understand why some animals eat their young.
You take Visa? #threewordsaftersex
#threewordsaftersex you still asleep?
Waitress cleavage always look awesome. @
I want to park my car (penis) in your vagina (garage).
http://twitpic.com/ov2te - Esteban goes Ricky Bobby in Pittsburgh
I can't go to sleep because somehow the theme to "Duck Tales" has lodged itself into my brain. Please Jesus make it stop.
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
Laughed so loud at this. Holy shit. RT @kttatara: chicks who wear suspenders always have small titties
This. Fucking. Killed me. http://bit.ly/vlqvM
That Facebook notification should say "Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever."
[P] Just spent the past half hour trying repeatedly, and unsuccessfully, to Skype with my wife. It was even less sexy than it sounds.
Now accepting booty calls.
Sign of the times: Zagat guide to review dumpsters
I also got Pete Campbell & guy from Always Sunny in Philly. Caucs only come in a few varieties. Yeah "Caucs." New whitey slang I made up.
should i get a life or get a clue? or maybe a connect four.
I think sometimes black women intentionally put themselves into uncomfortable situations, just so they can say "AW HELL NO!"
If the disco's too loud to chat, it's best to just glare at your target & point at your ding-dong or yum-yum while groaning.
I wish you could enter license plates of crazy drivers into a website, and get google alerts when they die in a car accident.
When I see some gay guys I just wanna be like, "Yo we get it. You're gay."
i'm a breakdown away from browsing grad schools online. i could be a nurse practitioner!
Derek Jeter wins the gold glove. Economists everywhere are shocked that gold can be obtained for so little.
Pimp Jiz + Rainbows = Gina Gershon
Wearing headphones does not make me invisible. I just went all crazy eyes on someone at coffee bean and they noticed.
I really hate you right now, lower back. I only just want to be able to walk & stand & sit. U don't have to be a dick about it.
I hate the phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Why the fuck would I want to have it if I can't eat it?
i just saw a prius with rims #hollywood
saw a girl at the mall today that was built like a Super Nintendo. I asked her when the new Mario Kart was coming out.
CollegeHumor exposes Seth MacFarlane's secret! http://bit.ly/qhlUu
Will try to spend 2 days in LA without developing cocaine habit.
Someone should start a chain of members-only bathrooms. Clean, private, nationwide. Fuck. Do I have to think of everything?
The "environment" can suck my dick, but I DO like that my Prius's engine is silent as I pull up to my ex–wife's house.
Can't we all set aside our differences for one minute and agree, as humans, that Asian accents are funny?
Just watched a UFC fight. I think. It was either that or some very conceptual gay porn.
An animated re-telling of Dock Ellis' classic game he pitched on LSD. http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/3814
i'm generally a pretty obnoxious woman, but when i watch football i'm just a straight up asshole.
Whenever a guy says "oh, she's my best friend" they mean "don't hit on her. I'm not done striking out with her yet"
To eliminate competition in the douche industry, Summers Eve and Ed Hardy should probably just do a merger.
Black people aren't loud. We just all have Samuel L. Jackson as a conscience, so we're used to hearing a lot of yelling.
The 100 greatest quotes from The Wire: http://bit.ly/Z6c67
My father always told me, "Be bold! Don't be italic."
You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? You can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight.
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
I eat pussy like a chimpanzee eats your face. Who wants to be on Oprah?
Got a note on my car that says, "THANKS A LOT for hitting my car. Call me or I'll call the LAPD." What did they mean by "THANKS A LOT?"
Just bought my first Christmas present. Now all I have to do is pretend to be surprised when I open it.
I used to live with an alcoholic that insisted on using coasters in the house. Cirrhosis=fine. Sweat rings on the coffee table=unforgivable.
On a scale from 1-kill my self where do I stand if I'm REALLY into party in the usa by Miley Cyrus?
Best line I've heard all night. "If you don't have mac, I don't take you seriously".
I like my women like I like my colostomy bags: made of plastic and full of shit.
i'm generally a pretty obnoxious woman, but when i watch football i'm just a straight up asshole.
I like my women like I like my yo-yo: always ready to go down even if they haven't been around the world.
Words can't express how good this is... RT @karlhess: i like medium sized butts, and i'm great at lying.
"In the year 3000, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook will merge into one super time wasting website called YouTwitFace.” - Conan O'Brien
Dry-humping is THE SHIT (chicks).
Kudos to the couple in the hotel room way down the hall from me having the loudest sex ever. If a baby results, that kid's gonna be huge.
i'm proud to say my greatest accomplishment is knowing every lyric to "gimmie that nut."
I had it wrong- The Lions have found a cure for their problems- That cure is the Cleveland Browns. @richeisen
Ladies, I'm walking around the house in my underwear. Consider that an invitation.....or a warning.
Hey, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Just be Phil Hoffman and stop being all like "I have three names".
I'm glad the alcohol in Australia works just like it does in the US
Hey people let's put the dick back in dictionary!
RT @ikpanderson: I think Lady GaGa is a joke Tim Burton is playing on us.
Sports: Bengals' Uniforms No Longer Look Stupid Now That Team Is Good http://bit.ly/87bwqQ
any woman who wears a santa hat "to be cute" didn't get enough attention from their father.
Today I'm going to try eating something that wasn't made by Frito Lay or Nabisco.
I definitely did not just hit myself in the genitals while pretending to be chuck norris and swinging my belt around like nunchucks.
Related posts:
http:// http://www.sangambayard-c-m.com
Always glad to follow a different blog . Thank you for the post .
When I’m depressed I like to whistle. It makes the neighbours dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
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This is Hilarious
@hayMaKayKay
This is hilarious:) 02/05/12 4:53am
@
I'm actually laughing. I'm sorry dad but, this is hilarious xD 02/05/12 4:53am
@Marianaliknows
LOOOL RIP Taylor Swift is trending. This is hilarious. #istillloveyoutaylor 02/05/12 4:52am
@ChocolateGold6
“@misstia01: “@MsMiilky: I wanna hump tonight” lol ” Hahahahahahhaaa! This is hilarious! 02/05/12 4:52am
@
HA! gone head.. have yo convo. it done bother me hun! but this is hilarious to me 02/05/12 4:52am
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