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June Wrap Up & Independence Day Tweets

5 July 2010 View Comments

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Welcome back to work folks, hope you had a great Independence Day weekend.  All 4th of July tweets are found at the bottom of the post.  This post also wraps up the rest of June which includes Funny Tweets from the NBA Finals, LA Riots, Fathers Day, The World Cup & More.  

 

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Nothing like waiting on hold with @AT&T for 20 minutes only to have the call drop due to terrible reception.

I hope none thinks I'm a racist for noticing this...wtf!!?? http://twitpic.com/1xbcif

I think 'earth day' should be 364 days a year and on that one other day planet earth should be our little bitch.

Decaffeinated coffee is like a hairless cat. It exists, but that doesn't make it right.

I just touched a vuvuzela. Best Day Ever. #worldcup

I can't afford Botox so I'm rubbing contaminated corn on my face in hopes that it contains enough Botulism to get rid of my laugh lines.

I didn't hit a single red light this morning. That would be incredibly good luck except the destination was work.

Just learned that the Beastie Boys' "Licensed to ill" was originally titled "Don't be a faggot" - true story

WILL'S MAN TIP 30. Only two kinds of guys have mustaches: total badasses and total pussies. That's it.

It isn't surprising that the people who have chosen "used car salesman" as a career also think their commercials are good enough for TV.

The people who shop at Abercrombie & those who shop at Hot Topic should put aside their differences. I mean, they're both awful.

Wow, when you get off the plane in Philly, they put a cheesesteak wreath around your neck. #notreally

My family gives me strength. Just enough to not kill them all.

If I was a videographer, I'd shoot wedding videos porn-POV style. Film people on the buffet line: "Yeah, you like that."

You say potato, I say put out, ho. Otherwise, I'm calling the whole thing off.

RT @ncrediful: isn't twitter itself a big #iconfess ? #redundant? (HOLY SHIT, It's not just me)

if you wanna fight me, there's just gonna be two hits, you hitting me, and California Gurls playing in the background.

The Bachelorette reminds me that love isn't blind. It's really fucking expensive and mostly has to do with Champagne and Camera angles.

White wine doesn't make me post better tweets, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

I love people. (Like about 12 of them.)

I think there's something really uncomfortable about watching a grown man drink chocolate milk. I feel bad for everyone who can see me.

Wish that fucking Twitter whale died in the #oilspill

Saw a woman jerking off a man in the park. I'm officially a real New Yorker, I think.

#obvioustweet the lakers playbook has a nothing but a picture of kobe in it

I don't dance like no one's watching, I dance like everyone's ejaculating.

Lakers are World Champions. Yankees are World Champions. Maybe we should make Jeb Bush President. #EvilEmpires

Hide your cars!!!! #Lakers

Ron Artest retarded ass think he just won an Oscar.. u dont give thank u speaches when u win a title dickhead

Ron Artest best Finals interview ever.

Is Ron Artest promoting his album in the interview? And y'all got the nerve to call me crazy, #wow

Everyone on LSD at this northeast phish show im at just collectively got a bad trip when the lakers won. Ha.

Gun shots going off in my neighborhood. I wish I was kidding. #Lakers

Why is everyone in LA so excited right now? Did the opera just get out?

No matter how you feel about the guy, there's no question Kobe Bryant will go down in history as the best rapist to ever play basketball.

Funny, no one in Traverse City, Michigan seems to realize that they should be rioting in downtown LA right now.

My neighbor keeps screaming "We did it". If he's actually a Laker I think Phil Jackson should know he's not wearing pants.

What's the over/under on when Ron Artest's championship ring ends up in a pawn shop?

Hope the rioting doesn't make it to Encino. I'm watching old Buffy episodes and can't be bothered with tipping over cop cars. #fatoldnerd

HOORAY LOCAL SPORTS TEAM!!!! WE HAVE TRIUMPHED OVER OUR ADVERSARIES!!

Let it be known: Rings are for champions, but rape and anal are for legends.

If there were ever a good time to be trapped under a car- it would be right now outside the Staples Center.

Fact: With his 11th title, Phil Jackson will now have the NBA's 1st Championship Cock Ring.

Ron Artest just joined the Riots

If only the L.A. rioters could take their energy to the headquarters of BP.

L.A. rioters: Please flip over The Police's cars.

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New hobby, Facebooking people who lose on gameshows and tellin em how much they sucked #motivator

USA! USA! U..S.. snoorrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee. (4 hrs. later) yawn! What is the score? Oh 0 to -1... and its still the 1st half. #worldcup

I wasn't interested in the World Cup until I saw people drinking Guinness at 8 am on my way to work. Can we be mates, blokes?

Cut the shit, Slovenia. Let us have this. We gave you rap music and 'Two and a Half Men', remember?

Number 1 reason soccer is not popular in America: very little time for commercials.

USA continue their winning streak with a brilliant 2-2 victory over Slovenia

The only thing I like about the #worldcup is that it's the only football that I can't throw an INT in.

Idea for an awards show: The Soccer Oscars, or "Soscars." #WorldCup #DramaQueens

I don't think anything can be more annoying than Justin Bieber blowing a vuvuzela while driving a Smart Car.

Good thing I had a dream last night where Kirk Douglas was trying to fuck me. Shouldn't have too hard of a time shaking that off all day.

All nagging women shall b called "Vuvuzela Chicks" from here on out #WorldCup

The phrase "skinny dipping" implicitly assumes that fat people will not remove their clothes in public. I'm okay with that.

Just spent the afternoon at Medieval Times in New Jersey. Don't know who I feel worse for, the actors or the horses. Or myself.

Today I bought a scooter and some cupcakes. Zooming home, I thought, "I'm gonna get so much pussy..."

Happy Motherf*%kers Day!

Happy Father's Day to the true fuckers of Mothers. Without them, there would be no MILFs.

happy fathers day to all the dads out there who didn't quite deliver. without you, there wouldn't be strippers or comedians.

Father's day is great for all the men that have a kid. But what's better than that is having it just be Sunday because you don't have a kid.

Heading to Riverside CA to see my dad..and maybe buy some speed. But mostly to see my dad.

My dad has been making disparaging remarks and jokes about my mom my whole life. Think I'll get him a Twitter account for Father's Day.

Just spent a lovely Fathers day with millions of my children before wiping them away with a Kleenex and throwing them in the trash.

[Fathers Day Tweet]

Roy Wood Jr Prank Call- Never Even Met Her: If the lawyer of a deadbeat dad called to get custody of the child…how... http://bit.ly/cNDCMt

Father's day. (Insert 8,000 jokes here.)

Dear Comics and Attemptors of funny. A thousand of these !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the end of a joke does not make it funnier.

United Airlines should switch their slogan from "It's time to fly" to "It's kinda time to fly but hold on real quick."

Don't matter what town I'm in; the minute I put my evening scent on, it becomes Blowjob City.

Oh my God I totally forgot it's Fathers Day!

People who leap on typos like it's some kind of victory are powertwats (and yes I spelled that correctly).

i had a nightmare last night that i was attacked by the mailer-daemon.

The basketball wives calling other girls groupies is like a crackhead calling a pot smoker a drug addict.

thanks to everyone for their birthday wishes. before facebook, i don't think i even had a birthday!

just changed my ringtone to vuvuzelas.

If any of the cats in my neighborhood follow me, I'm working from home today if you'd like to come by & get pet & told you're pretty.

Out in Vegas last night. I'd like to report we are not slacking off in either the infidel or the douche bag departments.

There's some correlation with being gay and having two first names. See: Elton John, George Michael, Ricky Martin and @DanielTosh.

If each day is a gift, can somebody please tell me where to return Monday.

It's nearly impossible to recover from dry boogies flying out of your nose onto your date's plate, but I did it! Buttsex on the first date!

Woman at airport to husband: (as if to a child) "If I can feel your breath on me, you're too close." Right now I love being single. Jesus.

The French soccer team #FRA refuses to practice. I find it hard to believe that the French would just lay down and surrender like this.

#Blackpeoplerules when we buy a new flat screen etc,, we ain't bringing dat shit in the house til nite time. Niggas is watchin

"Full of spunk" is not a good way to describe anyone. Ever.

I am all about alternative energy....having people do shit for me so I don't have to spend any.

Mon: Argentina meet Brazil in Cape Town. Tue: Spain meet Italy in Johannesburg and on Wed: England may meet France at the airport #worldcup

This #World Cup has turned out like World War 2! #Fra surrendered early, the #US arrived at the last minute and #Eng are left to fight #Ger

Open challenge to Tommy Lasorda: get fatter.

I need to do more sit ups. I am trying to get "The Situation" down there. Right now I have "The Snookie"

BREAKING: Ghana Defeats United States' Interest In Soccer

"I don’t know who the fuck anyone is. I go through US Weekly, and it’s filled with reality stars I’ve never heard of." (Bill Murray)

Hmmm, just popped open facebook and saw that 53 of my friends "like Tyler Perry" ... looks like I'm deleting 53 fb friends. ;)

i did so little today that a large bowel movement felt like a major accomplishment.

I want England to win because I once owned a Volkswagen that always broke down. #worldcup #Eng

Now that the US is out, can I please have my life back? (Note: my life takes place mostly on saturdays b/w 2 and 5pm.)

Well that settles it, I should have been a FIFA referee. After all I've been ignoring my goals for years.

Stop exaggerating by using ROFL. How did u send the text message if u were Rolling On The Floor Laughing you asshole? A simple HA will do

I've decided to get into this whole World Cup thing, or as I like to call it, 'sanctioned morning drinking'.

I've got way more than 99 problems, and a bitch is at least 12-15% of them.

I'm living on the Edge! But only because I can't get any 3G out here in the middle of nowhere!

Fuck you, whale, and the birds you rode in on.

"Khloe take Miami with a side order of Orlando with ranch dressing."

☞ Don’t worry if you’re a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. ☜

smoking used to be our #1 killer, thus it was banned in restaurants. obesity is #1 now, but eating in restaurants is still allowed.

This humidity obviously wants me dead.

Totally misunderstood our Yoga instructor when she told us to "rub it out" at the end of class. My bad. #yogadickjoke

Anal sex is like a Hollywood club. It's hard to get in and once you do it's not that great and the girl you're with complains the whole time

"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."

The Apple store is the new DMV.

My laugh is the vuvuzela of comedy (via @duncantrussell)

"let's install some shelving at 12am because we're pieces of shit!" -my neighbors

"It's not porno until someone masturbates to it" -- Ben Franklin

Andy Roddick = Tennis Player. Randy Rawdick = Best porn name ever.

Someone told me SouljaBoy sounds like the kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle in this song. Yep: http://bit.ly/cPqOKQ

Once again, out of underwear. Going with a napkin and a rubber band.

Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes. Unless he wears Crocs. You just know he's a total douche jacket at that point.

The reason why I'm such a fantastic lover is because of how French I am. I'm not actually French, but you know what I mean.

I wish old drunk guys could keep their shit together in public... too much to ask.

"I'm sooo wasted," said My Opportunities.

I'll be burger king and you can be mcdonalds. I'll have it my way and you'll be lovin it.

1 guy on The Bachelorette has a girlfriend.Ali called it unspeakable.Maybe save some adjectives for the holocaust?

RT @drewhastings "Bisexual - that's just plain greedy." - Drew Hastings

First ever finger in my ass! And my doctor found out that 'round the corner fudge is made.

Am I the only one who thinks Wanda Sykes sounds like a black female version Gilbert Godfrey?

I don't piss excellence but I do shit benevolent.

The doctor putting a finger in my asshole was like a drifter rearranging my childhood bedroom.

I mention "my ex" a lot to make it clear someone was able to love me.

We are at 6 flags and 10 of us teamed up on one poor kid in bumper cars. A piece of us all just died... But I can't stop laughing.

In game two of finals I had to take a shit in the fourth quarter But I didn't know how to tell Phil Jackson

Everytime a mailman uses e-mail, he takes 7 minutes off his career.

"If I would have asked the people what they wanted they would have said faster horses ." --Henry Ford

You Can't Lick Our COCKS! University of South Carolina Gamecocks - Baseball National Champs

Adam Lambert is less gay than #Twilight fans

In hell, it's always rush hour on the 405/10 interchange and you're already running late.

I don't like Twilight purely for the fact that it has a dude who turns into a werewolf...and isn't good at basketball...wtf?!

The worst frozen pizza tastes better than the freshest salad.

Riding around raleigh in car listening to weezy yes I'm saying the "N" word while I'm singing along I'm alone #gangsta

Tomorrow I'm going on vacation with the family, which is the same as saying tomorrow my wife and I are going to get in a fight.

I'm too lazy to jog my memory.

shout out to all the "fourth of july thugs" that only bust they guns on holidays

Overheard, boyfriend to gf: "if you lost 20 lbs you'd look sick." Today is his Independence Day.

No fireworks for me tomorrow. Too much hassle. I find I can get the same effect by just closing my eyes and rubbing them really hard.

You haven't celebrated our country's independence until you've watched a teenager blow his fingers off with an M-80.

4th of July is only fun if you live in South Carolina or New Hampshire. The rest of us will be lighting those lame fountain "fun packs".

The sound of fireworks followed by the sound of sirens- The 4th is officially on!

Oh, excess. You are American.

Happy birthday, America. I didn't get you anything, per our "no gifts this year" arrangement. You can come to my place for a barbecue.

U.S.A? United States of America? pff... More like U.S.F.A. (United States of F*cking Awesome!!) Happy 4th Everyone!!

To America: Happy Birthday! The Rest of the World: Your welcome for the Airplane, iPod, Peanut-Butter, Family Guy, WW1, WW2, in advance WW3

Whenever 4th if July falls on a Sunday I feel like god and America are fucking.

We should think about changing our country's name from 'America' to 'Van Halen'.

Watched the Nathan's hot dog eating contest on TV. Mildly aroused. I mean...uh...Go America.

If you try to light yo joint wit a sparkler you #stillnotfree @benjibrown1

We eat hot dogs on 4th of July because America wants us to suck it's dick.

Roman. Candle. Drive-bys.

Let's fuck for America! Just kidding let's just watch fireworks.

Happy B-day America. Show me your tits.

Fireworks Safety: Do not set off fireworks near children, pets, or the Gulf of Mexico.

Sparklers can be dangerous if you try hard enough.

I'd like to think that if our forefathers were alive today, they'd be awesome 275-year-old dudes who were into Kid Rock and kind bud!

I just got a sparkeler! Wait what's it called when the guy sits on the girls face?

Grilling steaks I can barely afford in a house I don't own and still feel entitled to more. America, bitches.

At a party chanting "USA" to cops. I'll never be an adult.

I wonder if George Washington was ever as hungover as I'll be tomorrow. I know Ben Franklin was. That man was a fucking party animal.

July 5th: American Pride 50% Off

I just snorted a line of gunpowder by mistake. LOLJK I knew it was gunpowder.

The best time to murder someone with a rifle, shotgun or hand gun is during a firework display.

Ahhhh the 4th of July. When I get to play my favorite game. "Gunshots or Fireworks?"

Driving around with a megaphone saying: "FIREWORKS ARE ILLEGAL!"

We got fireworks @ the muhhh fukn house *thug voice*

Home on my fat ass watching fireworks on TV. I'm proud to be an American.

I love this cuntry.

[S] July 4, 1776: Independence! July 5: bickering over what should be the official American accent.

Happy Cinco De Julyo

Thank god it's the fifth. The fourth nearly killed me with stars and stripes.

I had so much freedom yesterday I got sick.

 

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Related posts:

  1. Start of June – The World Cup & More
  2. July Wrap Up
  3. BP Oil Spill Jokes From Twitter

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