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Mel & Lebron + 1st Half of July

19 July 2010 View Comments

As much as I tried to avoid Mel Gibson and Lebron James I simply couldn't as everyone's Twitter Timelines were engulfed with jokes about the 2 stars.  

This Funny-Tweet post covers the first part of July from the 1st to the15th and is full of All sorts of humor and jokes….NOT JUST Mel & Lebron Jokes.  

*The 4th of July isn't included in this post as I created a special 4th of July Twitter Tweet Post Here

*The VERY Popular BP Oil Spill Jokes Post will be updated later this week with even more BP Jokes to add.

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Driver taking me from airport to hotel: "you in any movies?" me: "no". Rest of ride= silence

Mira, I'm yust glad Mel Gibson doesn't hate Mexicans......yet.

You look like a pig in heat and if you get raped by a bunch of n*ggers it will be your fault. (Mel Gibson. Lemme guess, blame it on the)

Is it Canada Day or Canada D'eh?

WILL'S MAN TIP 34. No more middle finger while driving away and much more middle finger while walking towards.

I saw this coming. Mel Gibson once refused to pet my chihuahua simply because he caught us stealing his piano. Racist.

Damn any celebs trying to get in trouble for saying racist stuff, step your game up. MEL GIBSON IS KILLING IT RIGHT NOW!

Nothing motivates quite like spite.

to be fair, some of Mel Gibson's best friends are packs of raping niggers.

I'm currently on a flight to LA. Flight Attendant: "Headed home?" Me: "Yeah. " Her: "Knew it. You seem very LA." Puke.

I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

Calm down you guys, I'm not being a racist. Like I said, racism is a hate crime, and only Black people commit crimes.

it's canada day, so to all my canadian followers out there i say, "happy fourth of july in three days."

I want to have sex with a girl and when she cums, she makes the same noise Serena Williams makes when she serves

Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules http://onion.com/aQLjSt

Farts are a turd's battle cry.

Today's least favorite waves: Heat, rogue, Google.

Sometimes I wish that toilet paper was 64 ply

The only two places you'll ever hear "would u like whipped cream on that?": a whore house and Starbucks.

my sunburn makes me look drunk. also i'm drunk.

if you use the word "diva" around me, know that i will pull a knife on you.

"We can't do shit about forest fires. But if people truly knew how fucked we are they'd lose their minds." (Smokey the Bear after 2 drinks)

Lets face it Apples like your hot ex. They cheat, lie, manipulate & only care about u when they need support. Yet, the sex is amazing.

It feels wrong to wash down a birth control pill with a mouthful of box wine. But I still do it.

JaMarcus Russell was arrested for possession of codeine syrup. It's the 1st time he's kept anything in his possession for more then 3 downs

if everybody got some head and hit a blunt everyday i swear there would be world peace

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

MySpace has become the Detroit of social networking sites.

In line for Holocaust Museum in DC. German guy ahead of me states "In Germany, would be more efficient." I. AM. NOT. KIDDING. #savageirony

"I own a few payday loans businesses." Translation: I lubricate Hell's gears with the blood of poor people

Dudes with long fingernails should automatically qualify as active members on the sex offenders list.

I refuse to be a victim of PMS.

Riverboat Demolition Derby. I can't be the first to suggest that.

"I had the craziest day today." -every housewife who barely did shit today.

Next time your kids ask you for money, tell them you're trying to stay under the salary cap.

Know anyone that can install a gun rack in my Prius?

My biggest fear is that Li'l Wayne will get wet and multiply.

My body is getting bigger or my Dick is getting smaller. Either way, it's not good.

Sometimes I'm condescending. Nevermind. You wouldn't understand what that really means.

RT @suss2hyphens: A whole show dedicated to LeBron will air on ESPN Thursday. Tentative title of show: "SportsCenter."

I only watch Hell's Kitchen because sometimes, I miss being married.

Was just asked (verbatim) at Brooklyn Wendy's: "What the fuck you be wanting?" #ilovenyc

Porridge is just shitty oatmeal.

I may have perfected a maneuver to get into bed without the monster grabbing my feet. If I don't tweet tomorrow, you'll know I failed.

#TheresAlwaysThat1 girl who gets mad at you for looking at her chest full of glitter

#ChuckNorriz can eat just one Lays potato chip.

New term that you can feel free to use: "Orifice Hat Trick"

Breaking News: ESPN reports...Lebron James farted...and it smelled like cabbage with a hint of superiority.

Regrets? I've got a few. But please, don't bother me while I'm drawing this cartoon of Mohammed with a mullet.

I wish this line was emo, but it isn't going to cut itself.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT TO EAT SO I JUST HAD 17 DELIVERY GUYS COME TO MY CRIB. I CHOSE THAI BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS THE BEST AT CHOOSING LUNCHES.

How awesome would it be if Lebron announced he was going to play for the Washington Generals?

Today in 1928, sliced bread is sold for the first time. It is the greatest thing since itself.

@5tevenw Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.

I would happily initiate a state-wide civil war if the net gain was that Katy Perry's version of California seceded from mine.

"California Gurls" is the sound of Forever 21.

Dogs! You feel like fuckin other dogs? Head on over to the Silverlake dog park. Just drove by, its poppin' #la

It took 28 years but I finally got a haircut that I like! That I'll hate tomorrow! That no one will notice!

I downloaded the Friday The 13th ch ch ch ah ah ah to my iPod to listen to while I did my trail run tonight. I beat my best time. By a lot.

This lady in Wal-Mart is either stealing a cucumber or she's got an erection

In my next life I'm coming back as a vuvuzela so I can be really annoying and still get blown constantly. (via @nickkroll)

LeBron James is under pressure? Maybe he'd like to become a shrimp farmer in the Gulf?

HA! RT @EricStangel I'm keeping my 2 yr old up to watch LeBron James Special. I want her to see the exact moment our society hit rock bottom

Finding it hard to make fun of LeBron's broadcast in a space designed to broadcast things about yourself that have no need to be broadcast.

Kobe should have a commercial run during the press conference that says "You know I have five rings don't you."

How is getting courted by six NBA teams and a primetime special announcing your decision a "humbling experience?"

Delonte West going to lose Lebron's mom. That's the real story here.

Gee, another Ohioan that leaves the state for warmer weather. That's truly shocking.

When the going gets tough the tough catch their moms fucking a team mate and get going

I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

LeBron really puts the leave in Cleaveland. #hackytwitterjokes

Just what Miami needs. Another immigrant.

Okay, Jif commercial. Mom MAILS her kid some PEANUT BUTTER? To college? She's an ADULT now! She can go to the damn store! Just send money!

The whole city of Cleveland is under suicide watch until further notice.

This LeBron James special sucks. 50 minutes in and still no dancing.

I generally figure it all out on the plane and forget it all by baggage claim.

BREAKING: Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job

I JUST BOUGHT OHIO OFF EBAY! It only cost me 17.02, a coupon to SONIC, Bone Thug first album and some of my time. I still lose though.

If you get one of LeBron James's scholarships you have to change schools before you accomplish anything.

all I want to know is, how does this affect Khloe & Kourtney Take Miami?

Just replaced a flat tire on my car with help from nobody. Heading home now to have a big glass of High Noon Whiskey. (I'm a stud.)

Call me when everyone stops tweeting about Lebron. Thanks.

Hopping in shower now to get car grease off of hands and body. Drinking whiskey while doing it. (Stud shit.)

#perfectworld Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, id average 15 pts

Welcome to the revised South Florida "WADE COUNTY"..."LeBROWARD COUNTY"....AND "WEST PALM BOSH"...@benjibrown1

Alot of your mother fuckers need to get off lebron dick @benjibrown1. You would think he paying yo bills.

UTI.edu is a bad name for a technical college. #OrAnyCollegeReally #ActuallyUTIAnythingIsABadName

I am SO angry the professional decision the talented millionaire made regarding his affairs was different than the one I might have made!

Rioting in Cleveland right now. I hope they set the river on fire again.

Arizona's immigration law might b racist, but illegal immigrants are LITERALLY un-American

My action-hero catch phrase: "Reading is for stupids."

Cavaliers Owner Vows to Clone New Lebron from DNA Left in Locker Room

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village http://onion.com/a6AWkn

I like my coffee like I like my women. I like black women.

The worst part of a groin injury is hearing everyone tell you the same joke when you say you have a groin injury.

I'm at The Parks Mall in Arlington Tx this mall looks like it was the shit in 1985

Whoever's in charge of telling old men when they have weird, long hairs growing out of their eyebrows/ears should be fired.

Who da fuck u think u fuckin wit I don't pay high ass cost/$7.45 for Kenneth Cole got this at Ross #HustlinRemix

How to trick people into thinking you're good looking. Hilarious!! http://youtu.be/OYpwAtnywTk

This is an A/B conversation, so don't be a C-word. D-bag.

Nipples are the boobs' "Like" buttons.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Filipino dudes are so good at being feminine but not gay.

Paris was incredible. Any culture that drinks 2 bottles of wine & then espresso at 1:30am on a work night=not pussies.

It's never a good sign when you put your penis in a girl and she stamps your hand.

don't worry my children, I was thinking about leaving for Miami also

My spirit animal just took a shit in the back of my karma.

i have a list of things I will never do. I call it my F*ck It List.

It's time we update the phrase "best thing since sliced bread." I can think of a lot of better things invented since then. Like, Nintendo.

I wish Robert would go Downey on my Jr.

Hey Amish people, what does looking ridiculous have to do with your beliefs? And why are you on a computer reading this?

If a king runs a kingdom and a emperor runs an empire, who runs a country?

A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

I can't believe gaming units don't have holes that men can fuck yet.

I'm starting a bucket list for my vagina

changing his game already to fit in miami: espn has learned the chalk thing LeBron does before games will now be done with actual cocaine

A stripper dressed like a nun is a blessing in disguise.

@5tevenw Strippers pay Chuck Norris for a lap dance

The thing that hippies in the sixties and hippies of today have in common is that they were not cool at all during either time period.

Fidel Castro is wearing a plaid shirt & a track suit. Give that man a PBR & a Coachella wristband and he's the world's oldest hipster.

if it weren't for women, i would be so out of here.

Am I the only person who can't tell the difference between E! And CNN?

If you were wondering whether there was a website about mimes called "Mime the Gap" stop wondering.

"The camera adds ten pounds and ten thousand dollars." - Rainn Wilson

I could use a wet nap. And I'm not talking about the wipe.

No matter how long I live, I will never stop believing that THIS TIME is the time I rubbed my eyes too hard to ever fully regain sight.

WILL'S MAN TIP 40. Always open the door for a woman. And if she doesn't thank you, calmly say, "Nobody loves you and you will die alone."

Brag brag brag brag brag brag am I tweeting the right way? Brag brag brag......

Big Ben has them trapped in a bathroom. RT @jaymohr37: Pittsburgh has been Twitter wasteland. Where are all the Tweeps from the Steel City?

Mel Gibson threatened to bury his ex girlfriend in his rose garden, which shows he is still a romantic at heart.

I'd like to know what cell service Mel Gibson has because with ATT I couldn't get thru a rant that long without at least 3 call fails

AND YOU PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HATE TWILIGHT. http://twitpic.com/24t8h6

"We need failures in America. They provide Chicken Nuggets & Lapdances." Roy Wood, Jr., Last Comic Standing.

I just ran out and bought Mel Gibson's new book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are Cunts.

You don't need a vaginal deodorant you need a doctor.

It just occured to me that when Mel Gibson called that female cop "Sugar Tits" it may be the nicest thing he has ever said to anyone.

Dan Gilbert the owner of the Cavs wants to hire Mel Gibson to be head public relations.

Now that George Steinbrenner has died and gone to Heaven, he's going to make Jesus cut his hair.

Steinbrenner just offered Babe Ruth a $140 million dollar contract, I keep telling him US dollars don't work up here

The only thing that feels better than buying someone the perfect gift is showing them your wiener.

At first sight of a semi flaccid penis I always think, "Jew nose."

Hottest line on wax of 2010: "I'm going to come over there & burn ur house down....but u will blow me 1st"-Mel Gibson

Massaging my back is like groping warm pizza dough, and I'm just as white.

The worst job has to be Bathroom attendant at strip club. My dollar can either go in your bucket or in Peaches? Hmmmm..

I love mel gibson. I love anyone who hits a woman in the teeth, and then thinks, "I should probably have another drink."

A good woman never eats watermelon because she can't bear to spit out seed.

They call it Mad Dog 20/20 because, after 4 of them, every women is a "perfect vision".

IF KRISTEN STEWART LOOKED ANY MORE MISERABLE, PEOPLE WOULD THINK SHE'S DATING MEL GIBSON.

As of today, Mel Gibson has officially released more hate-filled audio tapes than Osama bin Laden

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly into a hole and work best when jerked? A seatbelt - you pervert!

People who say they like "all kinds" of music actually don't like any.

People who say they like "all kinds" of music actually don't like any.

I guess Nicolas Cage finally gets to play himself in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice".

CNN just promised "the story behind the story" when they come back. Not to tell you to aim low, CNN, but maybe just try getting the story.

Saw Woman & Son get ASS beat on Street 2day.I Took em 2 da hospital.To Father who did this-I hope MEL GIBSON SHOWS YOU HIS ROSE GARDEN BITCH

After hearing the 4th tape, it's official Mel Gibson makes funnier phone calls than the Jerky Boys.

About to make a triple rainbow.

I had to explain to my coworker what this obscure Internet meme was. I don't know if that makes him out of touch or me pathetic.

""If you got an ugly profile pic, either you hate yourself or that's as good as you get."- Paul Shaw

Just watched Schindler's List for the first time...Hilarious!

Ignorance is just knowledge you didn't know you didn't have.

The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

Just re-listened to the old Alec Baldwin phone rant. Today it sounds like a 19th century nobleman inviting a lady to tea.

My Birthday is coming up in August. You can get me The Mel Gibson Audio Box Set.

Some days I see the shotgun target from Halo on everyone's face.

This quote made me laugh: "Censored Eminem songs on the radio sound a lot like a conversation between two AT&T customers."

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Related posts:

  1. July Wrap Up
  2. Follow Me to a Funny August
  3. August 2010 Roundup

View Comments »

  • amy said:

    amy…

    excelent info, keep it coming…

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