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Funny Twitter Tweets of Week Oct 15 – 21

21 October 2009 View Comments

Our posts are becoming more frequent as comedians are really stepping it up on Twitter and making their Tweet Updates Funny! Here are the latest Funny & Hilarious Tweets From Twitter featuring once again Whitney Cummings & Chris D’elia – Go Follow them, and Follow us YourFunnyTweets while you are at it.

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? On 8:44 PM Oct 21st 2009 from web
New term for dying in a spectacularly stupid way: "walk-off home run." On 11:38 AM Oct 15th 2009 from web
Sports: Raiders Achieve First Down http://ow.ly/15V7Aa On 2:50 PM Oct 15th 2009 from HootSuite
Passed this on the street today. If you're the dude this was written for, you've got a keeper. http://twitpic.com/lm45y On 2:54 PM Oct 15th 2009 from Twittelator
They're serving bratwurst over here at NBC today. I'm gonna pass on any food that has the word "worst" in it. Am I right?!! On 5:00 PM Oct 15th 2009 from web
"did that thing just make a noise?" what chicks say when I pull down my pants. On 5:16 PM Oct 15th 2009 from Echofon
How do I make myself feel better after being sick with food poisoning for the past day? I buy myself a Legend of Zelda hoodie #sicknerd On 8:34 PM Oct 15th 2009 from TweetDeck
if anyone see's the sun please let him know he's missed several appointments with me. thanks for picking up the slack clouds On 9:50 PM Oct 15th 2009 from mobile web
a 'pedifiles playground' and a 'playground' are really the same thing On 10:33 PM Oct 15th 2009 from Echofon
Tried to skype my brother while flying. Didn't work but I think I invented time-travel you guys! Look at all these fucking dinosaurs! On 8:59 PM Oct 15th 2009 from TwitterBerry
I get why girls flash their boobs when they're partying with friends. My bffs are coming to town tonight and I can barely keep my top on! On 11:18 PM Oct 15th 2009 from web
"Yo we're gonna wear them all night, right bro?" http://pic.gd/8847f4 On 5:12 AM Oct 16th 2009 from UberTwitter
That cat from the "hang in there" poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up. On 5:33 AM Oct 16th 2009 from Twittelator
Final verdict on 1st class flight: seats comfy, wine sweet, blowjobs were a little dry. -w On 6:08 AM Oct 16th 2009 from Echofon
Vince Vaughn Appears On 'Tonight Show' To Deceive Country About Latest Film http://ow.ly/15Vlee On 2:50 PM Oct 16th 2009 from HootSuite
Sober October = no alcohol. And lots of weed. On 3:14 PM Oct 16th 2009 from mobile web
Black people generate better trending topics than white people. #realtalk #waytogoblackpeople On 9:34 PM Oct 16th 2009 from web
I wonder what hotcakes sold like when they first hit the market? On 9:47 PM Oct 16th 2009 from Ping.fm
Making love to the Eric Clapton song "It's In The Way That You Use It" at 4 PM with no condom on is the most serious thing you can do. On 10:05 PM Oct 16th 2009 from web
Shit on everything On 11:06 PM Oct 16th 2009 from web
MLB: It's so cold in New York, A-Rod's cousin injected him with hot cocoa... #Yankees On 12:06 AM Oct 17th 2009 from web
Newsflash-Beween the 5th and 6th inning Kate Hudson made an unwatchable romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey that went straight to video On 2:31 AM Oct 17th 2009 from Echofon
Two fun shows at Bloomington Funny Bone. Got high with a dude in his pajamas. Felt like I was back in college. On 6:08 AM Oct 17th 2009 from Echofon
Vegas At Pure. So many douchebags so little time. On 7:21 AM Oct 17th 2009 from Echofon
Won $250 on roulette and walked away. #jewsdontgamble On 9:36 AM Oct 17th 2009 from Echofon
The "Continental Breakfast" wasn't named after any particular continent. It comes from the isle of skimpy, right off the coast of crap. On 12:32 PM Oct 17th 2009 from TweetDeck
Sports: As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court http://ow.ly/15Vxw2 On 3:47 PM Oct 17th 2009 from HootSuite
Someone I'm talking to seriously just referenced the movie Boat Trip. #iminshock On 6:33 PM Oct 17th 2009 from UberTwitter
Hypochodriac Thought for The Day: How many murderers in my life have I unknowingly walked by or even shook hands with? #fb On 8:47 PM Oct 18th 2009 from Tweetie
@kevin_nealon I always wonder how many people have watched me sleep without my consent. On 9:05 PM Oct 18th 2009 from web in reply to Kevin Nealon
Sincere apologies for stabbing the couple dressed as Ballon Boy's parents at Halloween party last night. Thought you were the real deal. On 9:29 PM Oct 18th 2009 from TwitterBerry
RT @paulscheer You can look as tough as you want but once you utter, "Hey Bro, grab Me A Caramel Frap" I'm no longer frightened of you. On 10:54 PM Oct 18th 2009 from web
Glenn Beck was for sure the kid that took karate for 8 months when he was 12 and then he thought he could beat up anybody. On 10:58 PM Oct 18th 2009 from web
Universal Halloween horror. Shrek's dong is in fact green. On 4:21 AM Oct 19th 2009 from TwitterBerry
There's a new book out called "Why Women Have Sex." The author also wrote "Why Men Have Sex," but it's just a pamphlet. On 5:12 AM Oct 19th 2009 from web
Dear Monday, You're so hard to take, must you be so cold and gray too? Your older brother Friday is fun. Can't you be more like him? On 5:40 PM Oct 19th 2009 from web
Are you there God, It's me Panic. On 7:55 PM Oct 19th 2009 from TweetDeck
Most bitch car for a dude? Z4 Roadster from BMW. If you drive it and have a dick, you also suck them. On 8:40 PM Oct 19th 2009 from UberTwitter
A new IPhone app from Pepsi claims to help men “score” with women. We all know the best way to score with women is to have some coke. On 9:06 PM Oct 19th 2009 from web
Is this a jazzy enough slogan for my new side-biz?: "I'll babysit the shit out your baby; I used to be a father!" On 12:17 AM Oct 20th 2009 from txt
http://twitpic.com/m704u - I hate NY..but I loved this! Great job rookie! On 1:22 AM Oct 20th 2009 from TwitPic
Dear People Telling Me What To Do, Don't tell me what to do. Love, Not your employee On 3:18 AM Oct 20th 2009 from mobile web
#teachaniggatuesday Don't be a nigga. That will solve most of your problems. On 4:16 AM Oct 20th 2009 from web
if i could make this noise for every time i failed- not matter why or how- i'd enjoy fucking up so much more. http://tinyurl.com/2gx8gh On 6:12 AM Oct 20th 2009 from web
Oprah's 1st question when she interviews Sarah Palin, "Why do u think people like us even though we're clearly both huge assholes? You 1st." On 11:42 PM Oct 20th 2009 from web
When your Tuesday feels like a Monday you know you're in for a long week. Maybe Wednesday will feel like Thursday and even things out. On 1:25 PM Oct 20th 2009 from web
Stressed? Try this: picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir... Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church. On 4:18 PM Oct 20th 2009 from WitStream
Here is something I shot with the band Anvil. I hope you enjoy: http://tiny.cc/Qqr2v On 4:50 PM Oct 20th 2009 from web
Is it considered consensual sex if it happens in a dream and the gun isn't loaded? On 4:51 PM Oct 20th 2009 from web
Sports: Redskins Hold Press Conference To Announce They Are Still Sort Of A Football Team http://ow.ly/15W4bL On 5:03 PM Oct 20th 2009 from HootSuite
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time." On 5:53 PM Oct 20th 2009 from web
Man, my biological clock is tiiiiiiiiiiiiiicking. #badthingstosayonadate On 9:02 PM Oct 20th 2009 from UberTwitter
Just saw a guy in a tshirt with the anarchy symbol on it get into a car with an obama sticker on it. Confused much? On 10:20 PM Oct 20th 2009 from UberTwitter
Just did laundry and all the socks matched back up. It's the little things. On 5:48 AM Oct 21st 2009 from web
A London study says the best way to treat a heroin addiction is with heroin. Let the record show that I’m a sex addict. Treatment please! On 6:11 AM Oct 21st 2009 from web
Is Zombieland a documentary about LA? On 6:49 AM Oct 21st 2009 from UberTwitter
RT @comedycentral @ccinsider Top 23 Reverse Photo Bombs on the Net http://bit.ly/4GcI8c #funny On 10:18 AM Oct 21st 2009 from web
Just saw a black guy driving a Saab station wagon! Make a wish! On 2:48 PM Oct 21st 2009 from txt
Clevelanders beware of a vitamin D overdose today. Our bodies aren't ready for this much sunlight this time of year. On 5:04 PM Oct 21st 2009 from Ping.fm
If I were Sammy Hagar, I would not be Sammy Hagar. On 5:48 PM Oct 21st 2009 from TwitterBerry
I've scientifically figured out the most female thing to say ever. It's this; "I just kinda do my own thing." On 6:40 PM Oct 21st 2009 from UberTwitter
Just saw the Liberty Bell in downtown Philly. 70 degress & sunny. Maybe this city isn't a shithole after all. On 7:02 PM Oct 21st 2009 from Twitterrific
If you're in high school, and you're trying to think of a name for your band, go with "The Can I Just Put the Tip Ins" On 7:02 PM Oct 21st 2009 from UberTwitter

Related posts:

  1. Hilarious Twitter Tweets of November
  2. The Best February Twitter Tweets
  3. Hilarious February Tweets

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