 roywoodjrthanks to all who prayed for me but I was unable to find black hair care products in Iowa. I will remain strong. God has a plan for me.about 21 hours ago from web  WhitneyCummingsI’m going to San Francisco today because A) that’s where Full House took place and B) that’s where Full House took place.about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck DougBensonMy friend on AMAZING RACE is pro card player @tiffnymichelle. Why no A in Tiffany? I think she lost it in a poker game.about 22 hours ago from web - DougBensonShe finished higher than any other woman in the history of the World Series of Poker. When I play, I’m higher than everyone else. #boing about 22 hours ago from web
 anthonyjeselnik Keep fucking that chicken. Random, non-sensical profanity is my Jesus. http://tinyurl.com/m3hpkoabout 23 hours ago from web  BorowitzReportScientists have found a cure for colorblind monkeys. Glad they tackled that first before moving on to cancer.7:30 AM Sep 17th from web  erockappelMY GOD!!! THIS IS THE BEST!!!!! RT @rorymayhew A rare internet mashup that achieves a higher level or artistry: http://bit.ly/3AKlAV  joselynhughesthe day i have no drunken bruises on my body is the day i stop living my goddamn life.9:04 PM Sep 16th from web  NikkiGlaserjust realized the dmb song “the space between” is about a taint.8:44 PM Sep 16th from txt  robcorddryCentral Park, I love you, but sometimes you are my toilet.8:27 PM Sep 16th from Tweetie  nottjmillerInstead of those annoying sirens, what do you think about fire trucks blasting “Here Comes The Hotstepper”? (via @Jim_Hamilton) I love him.5:40 PM Sep 16th from Tweetie  OGOchoCincoYankees had a brawl in there game against the bluejays, wouldn’t they win easily since half of them are on roids, I’m just saying(Yankees)4:33 PM Sep 16th from Echofon  KevinAverySomewhere, in the ghetto right now, there’s a true gangsta mutha-fucka watching re-runs of Frasier…And laughin’ his ass off.3:13 PM Sep 16th from web  michaelianblackFunniest body part: Fallopian tubes. Sounds like a water slide at Sesame Place.10:52 AM Sep 16th from web - BorowitzReportI ran in Cleveland this morning. Not for exercise, I thought this guy was following me.9:56 AM Sep 16th from Echofon
 johncmayerFactazoid: over 65 percent of all pancakes are mistakenly referenced as flapjacks.3:42 AM Sep 16th from Twittelator  FunnyCostakiTom DeLay was injured while rehearsing for “Dancing With the Stars.” The injury occurred when Delay stepped too far to the RIGHT.2:32 AM Sep 16th from web  RealJeffreyRossI’m gonna be on The View in the morning. I may try to make out with Barbara Walters.11:50 PM Sep 15th from Ping.fm  TilerMartshThe Biggest Loser is me for watching this crap.8:46 PM Sep 15th from Power Twitter  AriShaffirLearning from experience: When a pregnant lady offers you to touch her belly, don’t go under the shirt.6:56 PM Sep 15th from TweetDeck  jimgaffiganDear drunk people outside my building. It’s 7:48pm. You don’t look cool, you look JV.6:49 PM Sep 15th from Echofon  robhuebelThe perfectly named sports bar would somehow use the words, “Beers, bros, balls, tits, explosions, sweaty, wings, testicles, ex-wife”.3:29 PM Sep 15th from web  jordanrubinI’m really anal about poop.2:17 PM Sep 15th from web  birbigsflying to indianapolis in 30 minutes. i’ll either die or end up in an entirely different state in less than 90 minutes. so exciting!2:04 PM Sep 15th from web - WhitneyCummingsJust talked to my mom for fifteen minutes before I realized she thought I was my sister because she said things like “I’m proud of you”1:36 PM Sep 15th from UberTwitter
 MattBesserWho is the pothead’s favorite Confederate general? Stonedwall Jackson1:21 PM Sep 15th from web  boburnhamIn nyc, trying to find someone in skinny jeans. Oh there’s one! And there. And there. And that homeless guy. And there..1:12 PM Sep 15th from Echofon - BorowitzReportLabor Dept. Plans to Reclassify Unemployed as ‘Bloggers’1:09 PM Sep 15th from web
- robcorddryFact: There are some people who can wear uncomfortable pants. I am not one of those people.10:55 AM Sep 15th from Tweetie
- michaelianblackNew slogan for bagels: The breakfast food you can fuck.8:11 AM Sep 15th from web
- jordanrubinIt’s hard out here for a wimp.11:07 PM Sep 14th from web
- NikkiGlaserjust heard a man behind me on the plane explain to his wife that tina fey only won an emmy last year bc her show helped get obama elected.6:55 PM Sep 14th from txt
- roywoodjris quietly laughing at all of you that had Palomalu, Urlacher, & McNabb in your fantasy leagues.4:15 PM Sep 14th from web
- WhitneyCummingsSmall talk is the Wasabi of talking. A little is fine, but the tiniest bit too much makes me cry and want to inflict violence on people.3:53 PM Sep 14th from UberTwitter
 danieltoshday 3 with a migraine, it’s like trying to sleep at a death metal concert while albert pujols takes batting practice with your head2:30 PM Sep 14th from web  rainnwilsonGot a yeast infection from trying to shove an English Muffin into my Urethra. Serves me right.2:24 PM Sep 14th from Tweetie  thenickgriffinwomen are so hot with their soft skin, curvy hips, supple breasts and their lack of penis. nice touch, ladies.9:30 AM Sep 14th from web - rainnwilsonWalked into a spider web this morning and was all like blee ew bloo mweh!8:25 AM Sep 14th from Tweetie
 chickmcgee1Can anyone email me some vicodin or oxycotin? Thanks6:21 AM Sep 14th from web - birbigsdon’t worry, pink. i didn’t want to see you sing anyway. i just wanted to see some weird cirque du soleil bullshit. thanks again! #vmas12:26 AM Sep 14th from web
- BorowitzReportMy assessment of the NFL after week one: still as effective a time-waster as last year. #nfl8:44 PM Sep 13th from web
- chickmcgee1I think Faith Hill should wear MORE make-up7:23 PM Sep 13th from web
 BTMcLaughlinWhen you pass a store with one employee behind the counter and no customers, do you feel like if you went in you could have sex with them?4:47 PM Sep 13th from web  BraungerJust overheard someone order “No portobellos, just regular mushrooms.” #badcall1:37 PM Sep 13th from Echofon  PhillyDMy rents are divorced and both friended me on fb. This morning I got a Voicemail from mom to tell dad to stop leaving dirty comments. Fml12:57 PM Sep 13th from Twitterrific - joselynhughesthe beach is all fun and good until someone gets sand in their pooter. then it’s game over.11:24 AM Sep 13th from mobile web
 ScottAukermanMy favorite Transformer is the one that spikes the football & folds out into the Fox NFL logo11:04 AM Sep 13th from Echofon  marcmaronTime to start the week long process of reading the Sunday NY Times.9:12 AM Sep 13th from web - WhitneyCummingsWhenever I see two people arguing about politics I say “get a Situation Room!”7:57 AM Sep 13th from UberTwitter
- MattBesserUSC’s QB Barkley said “praise God” after win over Ohio State saying he prayed in 3rd quarter to get the win. I guess God hates Ohio.10:35 PM Sep 12th from web
 steveagee“Whats the time? It’s time to get ill.” – Benjamin Franklin9:29 PM Sep 12th from Twittelator - jordanrubinApparently the guy who coined the phrase, “Do what you love and the money will follow” was not referring to masturbation.8:46 PM Sep 12th from UberTwitter
- chickmcgee1You think Matt Barkley gets enuff POON?8:13 PM Sep 12th from web
- michaelianblackVotes counted: I am officially the best crunker in my family.5:42 PM Sep 12th from web
- jordanrubinI love ranch dressing. I’ll put it on anything. I just smeared it all over my TV.5:22 PM Sep 12th from web
- WhitneyCummingsLet’s kill someone. RT @DoTheReginald: Whitney after your show, you should come to my friends birthday party…its gonna be legendary.3:45 PM Sep 12th from TweetDeck
 patdixonSay what you will about marijuana, it definitely impedes your ability to process information related to giving a shit.3:11 PM Sep 12th from web - robhuebelOne of the reasons I like Chick-Fil-A is because they have the fucking guts to misspell words in their own name. Huge Balls!!!3:10 PM Sep 12th from web
- MattBesserWhat do potheads and arthritis have in common? They both flame up joints.2:52 PM Sep 12th from web
- rainnwilsonAccording to a sign I passed in W.Hollywood LaToya Jackson is going to be present for the launching of her milkshake. #couldntmakethisshitup2:08 PM Sep 12th from Tweetie
- AriShaffirIt’s going to be a great day. Activities include: grinding pot, noting full iPhone charge time, washing dick, & telling jokes.1:38 PM Sep 12th from web
 tedalexandroIf my balls were a continent they’d be South America.1:07 PM Sep 12th from Twitterrific  EricStangelBrett Favre named captain. A lesson 4 you kids, You can show up late and still be rewarded over those who put their time in1:00 PM Sep 12th from web  tompapaNo more Mr. Nice Guy. It’s Mr. Buffoon from now on.12:25 PM Sep 12th from Echofon - rainnwilsonDear pimply guy in twenties with enormous Adams apple riding my ass by gunnin your 2001 Mitsubishi Lancer, you are an idiot.10:40 AM Sep 12th from Tweetie
- WhitneyCummingsI can’t sand when people leave messages and they’re like “hi, it’s me…” Yeah, I know it’s you. That’s why I didn’t pick up.6:41 AM Sep 12th from TweetDeck
 nerdistHow do I retain my youthful look? SIMPLE: a hearty breakfast; then for lunch: green vegetables and a protein; for dinner: baby seal eyes1:19 AM Sep 12th from TweetDeck - tedalexandroWhy, Evander Holyfield? Why did you put on a dress in that Taco Bell commercial? It’s not 1987.11:00 PM Sep 11th from Twitterrific
- DougBensonCraig Ferguson gets away with telling dick jokes on television because he is willing to use the word “wiener.”10:00 PM Sep 11th from web
- EricStangelDerek Jeter also holds the Yankees record for having his ass patted by a first base coach9:02 PM Sep 11th from web
- KevinAveryClerk in mini-mart acted like he didn’t know why there were so many flies around. Maybe it’s cuz when I step outside it smells like shit.8:11 PM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry
- robhuebelSome complaints already that my pickup line failed. Try this as backup: “Ask your tongue if it wants to spoon with my tongue..”6:52 PM Sep 11th from web
- michaelianblackAl Franken can draw a perfect freehand map of the United States. Big deal: I can name two members of Nickelback.6:43 PM Sep 11th from web
 McCainBlogetteDoes it mean I have made it when Charlie Sheen wants to debate me on Larry King Live? (regarding 9/11 conspiracy theories)….6:04 PM Sep 11th from web - rainnwilsonLets start a trending topic! RT @jasonwindsor Tom “Pleasure” Cruise. Lady “GooGoo” GaGa. Carnie “Rainn” Wilson. #funwithcelebritynicknames6:01 PM Sep 11th from Tweetie
- johncmayerShakira’s new song has got me. I’m in. I feel as if I’m being seduced by a robot with the newly aquired ability to feel emotions.5:58 PM Sep 11th from Twittelator
- rainnwilsonJodie “Bananas” Foster. Tiger “Elle” Woods. Liv “Steven” Tyler. Jimmy “Warren” Buffett. #funwithcelebritynicknames5:43 PM Sep 11th from Tweetie
 paulandstorm[S] Just got Beatles Rock Band. See y’all in a week…5:42 PM Sep 11th from web - AriShaffirIn-N-Out, I can’t wait for you to rape my mouth. Why can’t 17 minutes be now?4:53 PM Sep 11th from TweetDeck
- PhillyDI’m late to a meeting about scheduling and time management. This moment describes my life.4:28 PM Sep 11th from Facebook
 chrisdeliaThis is what I want it to read on my tombstone: “Fuck. Shit. Poopy. Dimpy. Limpy. Shint. Pasta.” I’m serious. Fuck it, I’ll be dead.3:35 PM Sep 11th from web  mindykalingHow can I see Sorority Row (which I am going to) and still maintain with any integrity that I’m “soooo busy” all the time?3:24 PM Sep 11th from web - WhitneyCummingsAt Forever 21. #desperate2:39 PM Sep 11th from UberTwitter
 GhostPantherShouldn’t there be a fourth traffic light color that means “punch it like a 70′s tv cop?” Would go between yellow and red. A mauve light.2:15 PM Sep 11th from Echofon  KellyIsFunnyI’m right beside a woman yapping on her bluetooth like she’s broadcasting from a Baghdad firefight. Turns out her husband is leaving her.1:29 PM Sep 11th from TweetDeck - PhillyDuh oh phil left his twitter signed in on this computer. what should i say??hmmm penis. peNIS. PENIS!! <31:23 PM Sep 11th from web
- nottjmillerWhen I’m about to make sweet sweet love to a woman, I like to whisper in her ear, “This will never work.” (for @DougBenson , follow him)12:46 PM Sep 11th from Tweetie
- chrisdeliaRemember when vampires were considered dorky? Update: They still are.11:49 AM Sep 11th from UberTwitter
- chrisdeliaHey is that movie “Jennifer’s Body” out yet? Oh yeah, I don’t give a shit because it’s obviously going to be terrible.11:46 AM Sep 11th from UberTwitter
- nottjmillerMy big #FF is @CatherineCocain isn’t a professional comedian but she’s funnier than most of my friends. Also, @Maskedbandit @Morganmiller1711:18 AM Sep 11th from web
- robhuebelI will not watch hotel porn. I will not watch hotel porn. I will not watch hotel porn.11:03 AM Sep 11th from TwitterBerry
- patdixonWhen I strike the oil of lust deep inside you, I’ll be a rich man. Rich in my heart. We’ll all be soaking wet from what shoots out of you.11:35 PM Sep 10th from web
- steveageeI set out to make a girl on my computer tonight, just like in Weird Science. I ended up just jerking off to porn.10:40 PM Sep 10th from web
- michaelianblack@birbigs Applebee’s: Even the salads make you fat!10:25 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsNo more applebee’s jokes 2nite i promise. but thanks everyone! there’s a book of applebee’s jokes waiting 2 be made. just ask…America.10:10 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsApplebee’s: hey, you guys like dave matthews band?10:01 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsApplebee’s: if larry the cable guy were a restaurant.9:49 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @gregbrainos “Applebee’s: The perfect place for that first date with your future ex-wife.” oh dear god.9:43 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @Tubes “Applebee’s: Why not propose to her here and make your life a TOTAL failure?” dare i retweet this? it’s just too funny.9:41 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @aearllee “Applebees: Fine, you can wear your sweatpants…” and i did! such a great selling point.9:40 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @taylorLALYT248 “Applebee’s: No shirt, no shoes, no food critics.” ha. nailed it!9:39 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @oopspow “Applebee’s: Because if you rearrange the letters in our name, it spells “Baple’s Pee.” that’s actually a good sell.9:36 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @etaunton “Applebees: “You might have a chance with our waitresses.” haaaa.9:32 PM Sep 10th from web
- paulandstorm@birbigs [S] Applebee’s: Fancy Denny’s9:32 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @VinceHapp87 “Applebees – we know, the cute waitress threw you off” ha.9:31 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @candiceshane “Applebee’s: We’re Way Better than BananaWasps.” what the hell does this even mean??? laughing regardless.9:29 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @StereoForBrains “Applebee’s slogan: Come for the food. Stay for the apologies.” so much anger in these jokes. ha.9:28 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @starbury6 “Applebee’s: we stole some shit from your high school.” oh man these are funny. so glad applebee’s not sponsoring my tour.9:28 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @PF66 “Applebee’s:We took this picture at Friday’s.” well done.9:26 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @etaunton “Applebee’s: There are worse tasting burgers, right?” ha. simple but great.9:25 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsRT @ScreenRider “Applebee’s: when you want to have a business meeting now and diarrhea later.” ha.9:25 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigsi think if someone will sell you a pizza for 5 dollars, you should check their credentials.9:03 PM Sep 10th from web
 richeisenStrange bedfellows: Snoop in suite next to former Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. Both rooting hard 4 Steelers. Similarities end there.7:46 PM Sep 10th from UberTwitter - FunnyCostakiChris Brown picked a fight with Oprah this week. Finally answering the question: “How can he get women to hate his guts even MORE?”5:52 PM Sep 10th from web
- robhuebelI’m in Atlanta for a week. “The Dirty South”. Which sounds better than their other nickname, “Jeff Foxworthy Raped Me”.5:46 PM Sep 10th from web
- chrisdeliaIt smells like balls in this coffee shop (not my balls).4:43 PM Sep 10th from web
- NikkiGlaserI said “black cock” on terrestrial radio today. My bucket list is getting shorter by the minute.4:30 PM Sep 10th from web
- birbigshow come movies in the 70s were great, but porn in the 70s was terrible?4:29 PM Sep 10th from web
- robhuebelThere was a nun on my flight. She is married to God. They seem like a cool couple.3:50 PM Sep 10th from TwitterBerry
 drewhastingsApparently Congress has never done standup. That would be considered an easy heckle to deal with in a club.1:19 PM Sep 10th from web - patdixonTrue love is never ashamed and will sometimes laugh a little too loud or pick it’s ass in public places.1:13 PM Sep 10th from web
 friedmanjonI think I’ve entered my terrible thirty-twos.1:11 PM Sep 10th from web - RealJeffreyRossShould call it “Dancing w/the Vaguely Familiar” RT @miketotheg Was Dancing W/Stars crew as lame as they seemed on tv when you roasted them?11:04 AM Sep 10th from web
- RealJeffreyRoss@richeisen Can’t wait 4 Michael Irvin on Dancing W/Stars! Finally he won’t be the only 1 in the room wearing a purple suit with sequins.9:54 AM Sep 10th from web
 paulfeigWas just in the bathroom and a guy in a stall answered his phone by saying, “Hi, I’m taking a crap.” At last, an honest man.9:15 AM Sep 10th from mobile web - chrisdeliaIs every light skinned half-black guy famous?2:46 AM Sep 10th from UberTwitter
- johncmayerI have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.8:21 PM Sep 9th from Twittelator
- johncmayerI’m sure she’s a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.8:18 PM Sep 9th from Twittelator
- johncmayerRumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman…I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.8:17 PM Sep 9th from Twittelator
- robhuebelI bet 99% of ghosts are perverts, hanging out in department store dressing rooms.7:56 PM Sep 9th from web
 thomaslennonWe were not meant to see our Congressional Representatives in High Def. Eww.7:54 PM Sep 9th from Echofon  sarahcolonnaPlease don’t talk to me after you eat Doritos. First I get scared by your breath, then I get jealous that you just ate Doritos5:43 PM Sep 9th from web - robhuebelThe sunglasses I own make me look like the kind of guy who other people all think is a dick.5:14 PM Sep 9th from TwitterBerry
 maxscherI can’t tell I the pretty girl on the crosstown bus is over 18… But it doesn’t matter cause she just saw me picking my nose..4:50 PM Sep 9th from Echofon - erockappelRT @MattBesser How many potheads does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, we’re trying to keep it mellow in here.4:44 PM Sep 9th from web
- BorowitzReportNicole Richie’s a mom – 8 lb, 3 oz. Anyone know how much the baby weighs?4:22 PM Sep 9th from web
- michaelianblackThings I used to think about more as a kid than I do now: shrunken heads, Bigfoot, jumping over things on motorcycles, pet monkeys.4:04 PM Sep 9th from web
- michaelianblackHow do Stormtroopers go to the bathroom?3:54 PM Sep 9th from web
- chrisdeliaI just texted 4 friends “Pants for sale?” for no reason.2:50 PM Sep 9th from UberTwitter
- tompapaI wonder which alcohol is best for postnasal drip2:18 PM Sep 9th from web
- friedmanjonI think that every child of divorce should be allowed to befriend an alien.1:07 PM Sep 9th from web
 joeschmittDid the AT&T/Apple deal include finding Steve Jobs a liver? Because he can have mine if it means better 3G coverage.12:58 PM Sep 9th from Echofon - BorowitzReportIn Ireland, if u say “I’m taking a shit” people say “Brilliant!”4:10 AM Sep 9th from Echofon
- chrisdeliaI’m kinda done with people who say “Whatup fam?”1:38 AM Sep 9th from UberTwitter
- johncmayerRule of law: if you tell me within two minutes of meeting me that you are “real,” you are in fact not. But neat dress.11:49 PM Sep 8th from Twittelator
- chrisdeliaI said this on stage tonight “You can’t tweet inside of an elephant’s asshole.” #stripcrawl11:09 PM Sep 8th from UberTwitter
- steveageewho the fuck is going to step up and make roast beef flavored tooth paste??? (I’m looking at you, Crest)3:27 PM Sep 8th from web
- johncmayerSo true yet so pointless. Hmm. (leans, farts, continues with pie) RT @Kimbana bad dreams are better than waking up and not been able to move5:23 AM Sep 8th from web
- michaelianblackGoing to the US Open tomorrow. May or may not cut a really loud one at match point.8:02 PM Sep 7th from web
- NikkiGlaser“Sexual battery” sounds cool when you put “a” in front of it.6:51 PM Sep 7th from web
- thomaslennonAxl Rose is producing my comedy album and we started laying down tracks today! Look for it Christmas 2036!5:39 PM Sep 7th from Echofon
 rebeccakelleyIndian buffet = the definition of delicious regret3:43 PM Sep 7th from TweetDeck  diablocodyThere’s something creepy about a freestanding, non-mall-affiliated department store. Looks like a front for something.2:44 PM Sep 7th from web - chrisdeliaWhen David Beckham speaks, who’s voice comes out? Because there’s no way it’s his.10:44 PM Sep 4th from web
- nottjmillerWhen someone makes me play Boggle, I hate the player AND the game.9:08 PM Sep 4th from Tweetie
 realdavidcrossDid crack again.8:24 PM Sep 4th from web - chrisdeliaIf you walk up to a complete stranger and say “Mouths are so cool,” there is no way that you can then build a friendship with them.7:45 PM Sep 4th from web
- WhitneyCummingsIn my life, saying “I love you” really means “I hate myself” #truth2:04 PM Sep 3rd from TweetDeck
- WhitneyCummingsMoney counts as foreplay #JustSayin‘1:44 PM Sep 3rd from TweetDeck
- joeschmittThe Ultimate Rebuttal: “That makes about as much sense as typing your address into a calculator and multiplying by three.”12:30 PM Sep 3rd from Echofon
 tommabewith this economy our house has changed the 10 second rule to the new improved 3 hr rule9:04 PM Sep 2nd from TweetDeck  danecookJust got my hair cut. When finished she asked me, “Do u want any product in your hair?” I said sure-how about dairy? #RimShot9:01 PM Sep 2nd from web - johncmayerVietnamese taint butter.8:39 PM Sep 2nd from Twittelator
- WhitneyCummingsIf you are talking to me about how “amazing” your exercise class is, you better be wearing a helmet.8:36 PM Sep 2nd from UberTwitter
- nottjmillerHey Christ, I’ve turned wine into water a bunch of times. Whenever I stole wine from my Father’s liquor cabinet and replaced it with water.5:11 PM Sep 2nd from Tweetie
 grahamelwoodHot and dirty is the way I like my summers.4:46 PM Sep 2nd from Ping.fm - joselynhughesi made a guy un-pop his collar last night. you’re welcome.3:04 PM Sep 2nd from mobile web
- diablocody@mindykaling “I used to be scared of the dick. Now I throw lips to the shit. Mazel Tov on your Bat Mitzvah!”2:03 PM Sep 2nd from web
- birbigsgot a new couch. paid extra “bribe charge” for man to bring old couch to street. plus ticketmaster handling fees.11:41 AM Sep 2nd from web
- paulandstorm[S] Douchebag of the Day Award goes to…the owner of the Audi A8 with the “Audi A8″ license plate. Congratulations!8:34 AM Sep 2nd from web
 bobandtomGot a name for your junk…your stuff…your parts…your naughty bits…know what we’re saying? Tell us your favorite genitalia nickname!6:33 AM Sep 2nd from web - drewhastingsTeddy Kennedy was the Shawn Wayons of his family.11:21 PM Sep 1st from web
 bertkreischerIt is sad when a well flown paper airplane at the dodgers game is more entertaining than the game.10:57 PM Sep 1st from txt  kevin_nealonI think it’s cheaper to get a real tattoo than an Ed Hardy shirt! #fb10:06 PM Sep 1st from Tweetie - joeschmittJust once I’d like a dog owner to say “You’re right to be nervous. My dog is a barking, slobbering pain in ass.”7:20 PM Sep 1st from Echofon
- michaelianblackInteresting fact I learned while on vacation: people in Spain don’t care about Portugal, either.4:24 PM Sep 1st from web
- robhuebelIf Phil Collins told me he was drowning, I would not lend a hand.2:56 PM Sep 1st from TwitterBerry
- thomaslennonJust found out that @killers are following me, and my ears got a boner.2:12 PM Sep 1st from web
- robhuebelToday I will scrawl, “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER” on as many cars as possible.1:20 PM Sep 1st from web
- birbigsjust left starbucks bathroom. have a habit of always greeting incoming bathroom patron with “eeeh” face. no idea why.10:03 AM Sep 1st from web
- friedmanjon“That whole ‘whoa’ thing was nuts.” –Joey Lawrence9:38 AM Sep 1st from web
- chickmcgee1Well, yes I feel violated, but more than that, I know my prostate is healthy, and the only downside, a butt full of goo.8:24 AM Sep 1st from web
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ThatKevinSmithFrom @therealroeluv “Most clever porn title I’ve seen: Big Trouble in LittleVagina. Can u top that?” Rocked it. Check deleted scenes on Z&M.1:03 PM Sep 3rd from web
snoopdoggwho wants to burn one up5:08 PM Sep 1st from web
nealbrennanSometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.2:48 AM Sep 15th from web
SarahKSilvermanAt what point does the sentiment change so radically between “Have a good day” and “Have a nice life?”8:46 PM Sep 12th from web
HenlipsMy dad’s parents were really strict when he was growing up. They didn’t let him use the word ‘fart’. He had to say ‘air-shit’.8:45 PM Sep 8th from web
TheOnionSports: Bill Belichick’s Tears Eat Through Podium http://bit.ly/CamQw 
azizansariYour day just got 500x better, because you are about to watch this: http://bit.ly/Sdgzo 
TheRealRyanHigaWow I’m now officially a huge fan of taylor swift now.. .watch this vid!!! http://bit.ly/2jWbtn
KevinHart4realYo twitches look @diorboytellem profile pic, this nigga is posing with a bottle of moet!!! I don’t need 2 say anything else BOOOOOOM3:45 PM Sep 16th from UberTwitter
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Arcimedia. Arcimedia said: The top #funnytweets for September. You will laugh like you did in 3rd grade and the chocolate milk came out your nose. http://bit.ly/sL4MF [...]
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