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A Taste of May | Twitter Roundup

18 May 2010 View Comments

The summer is just around the corner and warm weather is here to stay (Check Local Listings).  We as technological society move fast forward to the next thing all while rarely looking back and reflecting on the past.  Let's take a look back at the first half of May in the form of 140 characters or less and laugh. Such events include Cinco De Mayo, Mother's Day, The Day Everyone on Twitter Had 0 Followers and much more

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watched myself on letterman on a plane. trippy. the guy in front of me switched 2 Leno in the middle of my set. even more trippy. On 5:15 AM May 1st 2010 from TweetDeck

Hey sports fans: a classic must-see from @hankazaria and...others you might know. Watch and then run tell that. http://tinyurl.com/36t47gf On 4:15 PM May 4th 2010 from web

"And he said unto his brethren, A man shall not poketh another man on facebook for thine is gayeth" #lostbibleverses On 4:23 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Whenever I'm at a fancy party where sushi is served on a naked woman, I always go straight for the beaver. On 4:36 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Man: "Damn, baby, how you get all that ass into them jeans?" Me: "A shoehorn, sir." #literalreply On 4:45 PM May 4th 2010 from UberTwitter

if life gives you lemons, make someone's paper cut really sting On 5:08 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Sitting at a coffee bean and watching someone get arressted at the starbucks across the street. True story. On 5:11 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Wow, #StarWarsDay? Thank you, Twitter, for that rarest of all sensations: for once, I don't feel like the nerdiest motherfucker in the room. On 5:24 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Takes me 2 hours every morning 2 go thru all my emails, messages etc. I don't know how you ppl with real jobs keep up (oh yeah car texting) On 5:48 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day. On 7:54 PM May 4th 2010 from web

One of Tigers mistresses got 10 million dollars to keep quiet. I gotta admit I'm really proud of that whore. On 6:33 PM May 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

There is a new IPod app that translates Jay Leno into funny. On 8:21 PM May 4th 2010 from Echofon

Last night I had the best not having sex of my life. On 8:41 PM May 4th 2010 from Tweetie

It's easier to make a human being than it is to make lasagna. That's why I love fuckin'. On 8:47 PM May 4th 2010 from web

Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?" On 1:58 AM May 5th 2010 from web

Whoever is sitting behind phil jackson has great tits (in the yellow sweater) On 3:51 AM May 5th 2010 from UberTwitter

NOTICE: anyone wearing birkenstocks will be denied entrance into our home. On 3:53 AM May 5th 2010 from web

Nothing good on Comedy Central 2nite. Guess I'll watch Benny Hinn slap people in the face. That usually makes me laugh too. On 4:18 AM May 5th 2010 from web

haha is this for real? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYMYv1zsAxE On 5:18 AM May 5th 2010 from web

How the hell the NY Terrorist got on a plane being on the 'No Fly List' but MY ass can't get a pack of smokes when my ID expired?! On 6:26 AM May 5th 2010 from twidroid

If you're a girl and you work at The Apple Store, for some reason you're immediately 40% hotter. On 8:02 AM May 5th 2010 from Twittelator

Bengals signing Pacman is perfect. Not because of experience with troubled players but because their helmets look like stripper dresses. On 8:37 AM May 5th 2010 from web

I just took one of those "I pay the damn water bill around this mufucka" showers On 1:40 PM May 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

Cinco de Mayo is just St. Patrick's day with a tan. On 2:17 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Quote of the Day: "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait On 9:50 PM May 3rd 2010 from HootSuite

I was gonna get a smart car but then I realized I might want to get laid one day On 10:03 PM May 3rd 2010 from UberTwitter

Washington, D.C., celebrates its 208th birthday today. WIll there be cake ? Or coke? Asking for a former mayor. On 10:05 PM May 3rd 2010 from TweetDeck

When you ask someone what they've been up to lately and they reply with "Ya know, just doin' my thing" it means they're out of work. On 10:22 PM May 3rd 2010 from web

Don't own a fur coat, but I am covered in cat hair. #classylady On 10:36 PM May 3rd 2010 from UberTwitter

Some crack head just called my CVS umbrella "raggedy." Mofo, you live on the corner. I just walked through your bedroom. #helpthehomeless On 11:48 PM May 3rd 2010 from OpenBeak

The white women's workout: http://bit.ly/biFrIm On 12:08 AM May 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

Saw an old man wipeout on a segway today. Please see that once before you die. On 12:26 AM May 4th 2010 from web

Anybody see KTLA's "Target Stabbing" coverage? I love the dude talking to reporters WHILE ALSO talking on his cell... SO LA! HA! On 1:35 AM May 4th 2010 from web

Dancing for me is like doing mushrooms. I have to be in a secure location with people I trust. On 4:27 AM May 4th 2010 from web

Just passed 12 dump trucks at midnight. I hope bruce willis knows about this. On 5:07 AM May 4th 2010 from UberTwitter

It takes #ChuckNorriz 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. On 9:00 AM May 4th 2010 from Twitter4J

My dog just farted, turned his back 2 me in bed & is snoring like a buzzsaw. Guess I can finally change my FB status to "in a relationship" On 10:59 AM May 4th 2010 from TweetDeck

May the 4th be with you... On 2:23 PM May 4th 2010 from Twitterrific

Life takes its toll. Bring change, bitch. On 9:34 PM May 3rd 2010 from web

Priest Religious, But Not Really Spiritual http://onion.com/ckDM3A On 2:00 PM May 5th 2010 from API

It's Cinco de Mayo. Yet another occasion celebrating a French defeat. Big whoop. The French are the Pittsburgh Pirates of countries. On 2:55 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Ocho Cinco....... de Mayo. On 3:08 PM May 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

Cinco de Mayo Clinic. On 3:11 PM May 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

When I go on dates I ask for separate checks. I still pay for everything, I just want her to see what it would've cost her. On 3:36 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Happy cinco de mayo I'm going to taco bell for lunch & drink patron tonight then I'm going to smuggle sum cocaine into california On 3:46 PM May 5th 2010 from UberTwitter

Dear Jazz Fan: When you learned at the DMV that 'JAZZFAN' was taken, you should have gone with 'JAZFAN'. 'JZZFAN' just ain't the same. On 4:05 PM May 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

Happy Cinco de Miracle Whip! On 4:31 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Because I'm a teacher, I'm supposed to appreciate shit today? Fuck that. You can't tell me what to do. What?! Oh, really? Carry on then. On 4:39 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Dear New Followers, Raise your hand if you just had your "HE's a TEACHER?!" moment. Don't worry; that's perfectly normal. Love, BW On 4:45 PM May 5th 2010 from web

In honor of cinco de mayo I'm putting salt around the rim of my dick head. #HappyCincoDeMayo On 6:16 PM May 5th 2010 from web

I'm really good at pretending I have my shit together. On 6:23 PM May 5th 2010 from Zannel

I'd like to dedicate today's morning hard-on to all the good people at NASA. Specifically, any team working to find/capture sexy aliens. On 6:32 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Apt. application approved. 2day is now moving day. Do Mexicans work on Cinco De Mayo? Hope so, I need some help moving. On 7:22 PM May 5th 2010 from web

My beef today: People who choose to put Spoilers on their cars. I know of one thing you are 'spoiling' , your chances of kissing a female. On 7:23 PM May 5th 2010 from TweetDeck

Anything involving Mexican food and fireworks is okay by me, as long as the fireworks aren't coming out of my ass. On 8:22 PM May 5th 2010 from web

I just read this oxymoronic phrase in a story about Ben Roethlisberger: "the VIP section at the Pittsburgh bar Margarita Mamas." On 9:53 PM May 5th 2010 from web

BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it. On 10:49 PM May 5th 2010 from web

Fat Dad Falls Off Skateboard http://r.funnyordie.com/ryiqd On 10:49 PM May 5th 2010 from web

NFL: Ben Roethlisberger on cover of May 10th SI. I have to say, I cannot wait to see how the SI curse gets him... On 10:55 PM May 5th 2010 from web

They need to make a Seis de Mayo holiday for the Mexicans bc tonight they will be cleaning up after us. Taking shots in the break room On 10:57 PM May 5th 2010 from UberTwitter

Cinco de May no. On 11:34 PM May 5th 2010 from web

I'm not the only one who refers to the carpool lane as The Nerd Parade right? On 12:17 AM May 6th 2010 from web

People someday will look back on people being imprisoned for pot the way we look back on burning witches. On 4:38 AM May 6th 2010 from TweetDeck

If you're looking for a car that highlights every bump in the road, might I recommend a 2000 Ford Focus? On 6:06 AM May 6th 2010 from Echofon

Guy at the club just asked "do you have a card?" He didn't specify that it be mine- so I gave him my dentist's. On 8:07 AM May 6th 2010 from UberTwitter

#ChuckNorriz uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. On 9:00 AM May 6th 2010 from Twitter4J

When I see the cover of People or Us Weekly and don't know who the celebrities are, I feel good about myself. On 7:25 PM May 6th 2010 from Echofon

Just occured to me that I dont have the slightest clue what mayonnaise is made out of. On 8:01 PM May 6th 2010 from Tweetie

Man, I hope I'm not reincarnated as one of those fish that swim up people's dickholes. On 6:20 PM May 7th 2010 from web

Only two actors could have played Al Pacino's role in CARLITO'S WAY as well as Al Pacino: Al Pacino and me. On 6:43 PM May 7th 2010 from Echofon

McDonalds might as well just sell a McSalt Lick. On 6:56 PM May 7th 2010 from web

An older woman who likes younger men is called a cougar. But do u know what they call an older woman who likes younger girls? Gym teacher On 8:27 PM May 7th 2010 from web

I feel bad for the baby from the famous Nirvana album cover. You don't want your dick to make people think, "Nevermind." On 8:58 PM May 7th 2010 from web

I been riding round Alexandria la. And I have yet to see a building yet On 9:22 PM May 7th 2010 from Echofon

Thanks for the #followfriday shout-outs, nobody! On 9:47 PM May 7th 2010 from web

U know u #Intheboonies when u can jump off a downtown building and still live On 9:56 PM May 7th 2010 from Echofon

#Intheboonies everybody wears fake shit but no one knows On 10:05 PM May 7th 2010 from Echofon

'U a comedian? Well make me laugh! Hahaha"... this happened today for the 1000th time in my life. #no On 10:52 PM May 7th 2010 from UberTwitter

I wish I could Shazam people that I run into and I have no idea who they are or how they know me... On 10:59 PM May 7th 2010 from Echofon

Twitter Litterer [twit-er lit-er-er] -noun: One who throws all of their shit up on twitter. On 11:37 PM May 7th 2010 from web

Relationships r a joint collection of songs u spend the rest of ur lives hating after a breakup. Just heard 3 ex's in a row on the radio! On 12:16 AM May 8th 2010 from Tweetie

What's up friday night? I got a stack of Washingtons burning a hole in my pocket. Just might walk down to the store and get me some hummus. On 12:36 AM May 8th 2010 from mobile web

When I see a dude with a golf shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, and a cell phone on the belt... I immediately walk in the other direction On 12:49 AM May 8th 2010 from OpenBeak

Hey Philly! I haven't seen you in weeks! How about a hug? In the form of a cheesesteak. On 1:34 AM May 8th 2010 from Ping.fm

Your mom is a cheap date, and by cheap date I mean we just fuck in your bed. On 2:11 AM May 8th 2010 from TweetDeck

I live everyday to make my funeral the BEST EVER! On 2:32 AM May 8th 2010 from Echofon

Called a fat black woman dressed in purple "Grimace" during my second show tonight. She did not take it well. On 3:15 AM May 8th 2010 from Tweetie

Just met sean paul and understood him perfectly, cool guy! On 4:02 AM May 8th 2010 from Twitter for BlackBerry®

Mark Price Quietly Shooting Free Throws Somewhere http://onion.com/932mgl On 4:31 AM May 8th 2010 from API

Thanks for the free womb & board, Mom! Happy Mother's Day. On 3:30 AM May 9th 2010 from web

Some lady on this plane has a tiny dog in a bag and it won't stop barking because it's a tiny dog in a bag. #goodplan On 6:29 PM May 9th 2010 from mobile web

@lilduval #yomoma was at the bottom of the screen in D'Angelo How Does It Feel video On 6:43 PM May 9th 2010 from Swift in reply to lil duval

Without our moms we'd never have guilt. I'm looking at you Jews and Catholics too I suppose. On 6:59 PM May 9th 2010 from web

@lilduval #yomoma is Lebron hurt elbow On 7:19 PM May 9th 2010 from Swift in reply to lil duval

@OGOchoCinco yep like i thought u only had one good joke in u. like i had in #yomomma On 7:12 PM May 9th 2010 from web in reply to Chad Ochocinco

dear other guys at the airport urinals who didn't laugh with me when some dude in the stall farted, you have no souls. On 7:19 PM May 9th 2010 from Tweetie

Back in LA. Anything I missed? You know, besides all the drugs? On 7:23 PM May 9th 2010 from Echofon

The pilot just came over the loudspeaker sounding HAMMERED. Thank God we've already landed. On 7:32 PM May 9th 2010 from Echofon

How can I stab my ears with no knife? Ah yes, Michael Bolton. On 8:08 PM May 9th 2010 from Tweetie

i'd like to wish a very happy mother's day to all the thirteen year old white girls from Maury. On 8:26 PM May 9th 2010 from Tweetie

Mother's Day is like Father's Day with tits. On 9:00 PM May 9th 2010 from Twittelator

Hey Mom, Happy Mother's Day! Hey Hallmark, screw you! On 9:07 PM May 9th 2010 from web

I don't care how attracted you are to someone, if they call sex, "sexytime" in a Borat voice, it's over. On 9:25 PM May 9th 2010 from Echofon

Hey guys, the search is over. I found the most annoying picture of all time. http://twitpic.com/1miyn8 On 9:36 PM May 9th 2010 from Twitpic

Happy Mothers Day 2 my mom who didn't send me to live w/ my aunt & uncle in Bel Air after 1 fight on the playground like Will Smith's Mom On 12:42 AM May 10th 2010 from UberTwitter

A-Rod just hit a cop in Yankees dugout with foul ball. Fuck the Yankees but Fuck the Po-Lice first. http://bit.ly/ceOLb7 On 2:17 AM May 10th 2010 from Facebook

If you'd like to know why someone became a comedian, just read their mothers day tweets. On 2:28 AM May 10th 2010 from Tweetie

I want to be on the same drugs as those people who do the counting on Sesame Street. On 2:59 AM May 10th 2010 from TweetDeck

In Focus: Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids http://onion.com/99yvY1 On 4:35 AM May 10th 2010 from API

I just now saw that Kendra's show has a theme song. That she dances to. But a sex tape would be embarrassing and detrimental to her career. On 4:35 AM May 10th 2010 from web

with all the complaining about how the Oil Spill is being handled poorly... nobody has even bothered to summon Captain Planet...just sayin. On 5:16 AM May 10th 2010 from TweetDeck

If vince vaughn never met jon favreau a lot more people would be saying "that waiter is a dick" On 5:19 AM May 10th 2010 from UberTwitter

#DearAspirinRappers watchin Cops/First 48 will not help u rap abt the streets.... We saw the same episode u saw On 12:17 PM May 10th 2010 from Echofon

Show me on this alarm clock where the AM/PM switch screwed you. On 2:00 PM May 10th 2010 from mobile web

How come the phrase "of the century" only applies to negative things, like storms? Why not "pie of the century?" On 2:49 PM May 10th 2010 from web

Well, this Monday isn't going to fuck itself. So, I guess I'll have to. On 2:55 PM May 10th 2010 from mobile web

Watched an airport employee pee and not wash his hands. Then I saw he pushes old people around in wheelchairs all day. I wouldn't either. On 3:47 PM May 10th 2010 from Tweetie

Retweet this if your followers say 0 and your following says 0 On 4:57 PM May 10th 2010 from web

At present, Twitter says I have zero followers... I've never felt so alone... But, I've made all this Kool-Aid... On 5:00 PM May 10th 2010 from web

I always wanted to have as many followers as Bieber, but not like this. #nofollowers On 5:05 PM May 10th 2010 from web

Uh oh Twitter has security issues I'm outta here ..Going back over to Facebook where EVERYONE can see my pictures and chats. On 5:07 PM May 10th 2010 from web

hey @souljaboy, twitter finally got your amount of fans right....... On 5:08 PM May 10th 2010 from web

Now that I have 0 followers time to say what I really mean. I hate blks (esp. Dark butts), japs, the eastside, lebitch gaymes, tom gaydy On 5:21 PM May 10th 2010 from TweetCaster

Having exercised every day this week, I'm one aircraft carrier and a "mission accomplished" banner short of declaring myself ripped. On 9:16 PM May 10th 2010 from web

My ex's balls hung so low, I often wondered if they hit the water when he sat on the toilet. My friend & I called him poop-balls. #truestory On 9:34 PM May 10th 2010 from web

'A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car' On 9:38 PM May 10th 2010 from web

According to Newton's Law of Gravity, if my penis goes up, you must go down. On 9:45 PM May 10th 2010 from web

If u keep your Bluetooth on in church. Go down to the alter and tell him to deliver u from ignorance. Jesus aint calln your phone! On 10:14 PM May 10th 2010 from UberTwitter

Indian Lady Behind Counter at 7-11: "You like bag?" Me: "Me love bag!" #endscene On 10:16 PM May 10th 2010 from web

All you have to do to be a trending topic on yahoo is visit yahoo. On 11:36 PM May 10th 2010 from web

Opinions are like my nipples. Sometimes they're little, sometimes they're big, sometimes I want to share them, and they are always awesome. On 11:59 PM May 10th 2010 from web

Don't you hate it when you KNOW someone is gay... but they don't On 12:46 AM May 11th 2010 from web

Writing comedy is like having a boner... Its hard and painful when it goes on too long On 1:29 AM May 11th 2010 from Twitter for Android

Miller Lite should just make their slogan "We know you care about quantity over quality." On 1:59 AM May 11th 2010 from TweetDeck

Sorry Twitter, I just need to foist this image into your minds- BUTTERY PENIS.......................Thanks, goodnight! On 4:03 AM May 11th 2010 from mobile web

Was going to see "Babies" but realized I'd rather see a movie about the thing babies come out of. On 4:39 AM May 11th 2010 from Echofon

YOU GUYS! I'm back in L.A. now! Let's party*! *(Eat Taco Bell & then listen to music on headphones on my couch! Also, do some blow!) #farts On 4:58 AM May 11th 2010 from Echofon

I have to stop putting my hair back in the "chow down" ponytail at dinners. So unbecoming. On 5:07 AM May 11th 2010 from web

"farting" is now one of my official "activities" on fb. well done, guys. On 6:30 AM May 11th 2010 from web

Call me an optimist but I think this CSI:Vegas team is going to solve this murder in about 55 minutes or so. On 7:08 AM May 11th 2010 from web

So, Susan Boyle is going to be a Supreme Court Justice now? On 7:30 AM May 11th 2010 from web

Jesus can walk on water but #ChuckNorriz can swim through land. On 9:00 AM May 11th 2010 from Twitter4J

Prince Fielder Satisfies Curiosity By Eating Small Handful Of Dirt http://onion.com/c97JIp On 2:35 PM May 11th 2010 from API

Stop giving major energy to MINOR people On 3:52 PM May 11th 2010 from Echofon

R.I.P. Bob Marley. Thanks for the good music, but no thanks for the white guys with dreds. On 4:08 PM May 11th 2010 from web

Can't help but think a new British government would have been formed by now if Dumbledore was still alive. On 4:10 PM May 11th 2010 from web

u broke as fuck but yo profile says "living life 2 the fullest #bitchplease On 4:25 PM May 11th 2010 from Echofon

The most humiliating way to slap someone is with a handful of butterscotch and confetti. On 4:29 PM May 11th 2010 from Echofon

Anyone know where I can find out more about celebrities I've never heard of doing non-newsworthy things, besides everywhere? On 2:45 PM May 11th 2010 from web

I'm gonna stick my [redacted] in your [redacted] then pull out and [redacted] all over your [redacted]. On 4:54 PM May 11th 2010 from Twittelator

Having friends who are all gainfully employed is REALLY getting in the way of going to the movies today. On 5:37 PM May 11th 2010 from Twitterrific

To the woman who just called her ratty dog "Covergirl," congratulations. You just won Tuesday afternoon. And my heart. On 7:35 PM May 11th 2010 from mobile web

#Linkedin appears to be down, Justin Bieber must have created an account today.. On 7:52 PM May 11th 2010 from web

As a jew, I can't believe that we didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind." On 8:26 PM May 11th 2010 from web

me and a woman on the subway caught each other's gaze. She frowned and switched cars. Good move. I was certainly gonna pull my dick out On 9:15 PM May 11th 2010 from web

Everyone's ex girlfriend frequents Bar Louie. On 9:36 PM May 11th 2010 from web

"Hey bro, you should obviously stop making that face forever because you will get absolutely no pussy." http://tweetphoto.com/22036870 On 10:17 PM May 11th 2010 from UberTwitter

everytime im naked and walk by a mirror i think to myself i gotta look stupid when i fuck On 12:05 AM May 12th 2010 from web

I just saw a BIG GIRL in the car next to me Eating a FOOTlong sub with Wakka flakka blasting "OH LEAH DOO IT" damn I feel sorry 4 that sub! On 12:49 AM May 12th 2010 from UberTwitter

It's bullshit that sandwiches & movies keep costing more when it's only sandwiches raising the bar on quality/imagination. On 3:23 AM May 12th 2010 from Echofon

My left arm must be exhausted, I woke up before it did. On 12:55 PM May 12th 2010 from web

One of the five funniest things on TV, "The Sarah Silverman Program", has been cancelled. Guess the Jews don't control the media after all! On 3:13 PM May 12th 2010 from Tweetie

They can't figure out the cause of the oil spill? I bet it has something to do with that giant pipe full of oil in the middle of ocean. On 9:23 PM May 12th 2010 from TweetDeck

I am boycotting Arizona. No more dirt or sunburns or lizards or meth. I will miss the dirt the most, but fuck 'em. On 9:29 PM May 12th 2010 from web

Classic NYC mistake: I assumed the guy putting a pastrami sandwich in his wallet was crazy when really he was just fucking batshit insane. On 10:05 PM May 12th 2010 from Birdhouse

@shitmydadsays's book debuts at Number 8 on the NYT Bestseller List. Suck on that outlier, Gladwell! Or should I say, Number 11? On 10:17 PM May 12th 2010 from TweetDeck in reply to Justin

I should note that Gladwell is a superb writer, and in no way do I mean to disparage him when I suggest he suck on anything. On 10:18 PM May 12th 2010 from TweetDeck

That said, he can still suck on it. On 10:19 PM May 12th 2010 from TweetDeck

New York city smells like the state fair On 10:34 PM May 12th 2010 from Echofon

From now on my hip-hop/rap name is "Greg Kinnear". On 10:53 PM May 12th 2010 from UberTwitter

#firstdatethoughts damn she's so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick... wait... can somebody really be that fine? On 11:12 PM May 12th 2010 from Power Twitter

Bengals considering JaMarcus Russell. So they'd have Pacman, named for guy who eats everything, & a guy who eats everything On 11:59 PM May 12th 2010 from web

The business of making Chamillions of dollars. RT @chamillionaire: Back to business ...... On 12:18 AM May 13th 2010 from web

BITCHES BE CRAZY!!! (In my head I'm thinking about bridesmaid duties I have but you guys wouldn't know that). On 2:04 AM May 13th 2010 from web

This hot girl told me she was looking for work. I said I didn't have a job for her, but DID have a position and would love her 'on staff'. On 2:09 AM May 13th 2010 from TweetDeck

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