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A Taste of May | Twitter Roundup

18 May 2010 View Comments

The summer is just around the corner and warm weather is here to stay (Check Local Listings).  We as technological society move fast forward to the next thing all while rarely looking back and reflecting on the past.  Let's take a look back at the first half of May in the form of 140 characters or less and laugh. Such events include Cinco De Mayo, Mother's Day, The Day Everyone on Twitter Had 0 Followers and much more

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watched myself on letterman on a plane. trippy. the guy in front of me switched 2 Leno in the middle of my set. even more trippy.

Hey sports fans: a classic must-see from @hankazaria and...others you might know. Watch and then run tell that. http://tinyurl.com/36t47gf

"And he said unto his brethren, A man shall not poketh another man on facebook for thine is gayeth" #lostbibleverses

Whenever I'm at a fancy party where sushi is served on a naked woman, I always go straight for the beaver.

Man: "Damn, baby, how you get all that ass into them jeans?" Me: "A shoehorn, sir." #literalreply

if life gives you lemons, make someone's paper cut really sting

Sitting at a coffee bean and watching someone get arressted at the starbucks across the street. True story.

Wow, #StarWarsDay? Thank you, Twitter, for that rarest of all sensations: for once, I don't feel like the nerdiest motherfucker in the room.

Takes me 2 hours every morning 2 go thru all my emails, messages etc. I don't know how you ppl with real jobs keep up (oh yeah car texting)

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

One of Tigers mistresses got 10 million dollars to keep quiet. I gotta admit I'm really proud of that whore.

There is a new IPod app that translates Jay Leno into funny.

Last night I had the best not having sex of my life.

It's easier to make a human being than it is to make lasagna. That's why I love fuckin'.

Oldest woman, 114, dies. Her last words: "Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?"

Whoever is sitting behind phil jackson has great tits (in the yellow sweater)

NOTICE: anyone wearing birkenstocks will be denied entrance into our home.

Nothing good on Comedy Central 2nite. Guess I'll watch Benny Hinn slap people in the face. That usually makes me laugh too.

How the hell the NY Terrorist got on a plane being on the 'No Fly List' but MY ass can't get a pack of smokes when my ID expired?!

If you're a girl and you work at The Apple Store, for some reason you're immediately 40% hotter.

Bengals signing Pacman is perfect. Not because of experience with troubled players but because their helmets look like stripper dresses.

I just took one of those "I pay the damn water bill around this mufucka" showers

Cinco de Mayo is just St. Patrick's day with a tan.

Quote of the Day: "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait

I was gonna get a smart car but then I realized I might want to get laid one day

Washington, D.C., celebrates its 208th birthday today. WIll there be cake ? Or coke? Asking for a former mayor.

When you ask someone what they've been up to lately and they reply with "Ya know, just doin' my thing" it means they're out of work.

Don't own a fur coat, but I am covered in cat hair. #classylady

Some crack head just called my CVS umbrella "raggedy." Mofo, you live on the corner. I just walked through your bedroom. #helpthehomeless

The white women's workout: http://bit.ly/biFrIm

Saw an old man wipeout on a segway today. Please see that once before you die.

Anybody see KTLA's "Target Stabbing" coverage? I love the dude talking to reporters WHILE ALSO talking on his cell... SO LA! HA!

Dancing for me is like doing mushrooms. I have to be in a secure location with people I trust.

Just passed 12 dump trucks at midnight. I hope bruce willis knows about this.

It takes #ChuckNorriz 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

My dog just farted, turned his back 2 me in bed & is snoring like a buzzsaw. Guess I can finally change my FB status to "in a relationship"

May the 4th be with you...

Life takes its toll. Bring change, bitch.

Priest Religious, But Not Really Spiritual http://onion.com/ckDM3A

It's Cinco de Mayo. Yet another occasion celebrating a French defeat. Big whoop. The French are the Pittsburgh Pirates of countries.

Ocho Cinco....... de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo Clinic.

When I go on dates I ask for separate checks. I still pay for everything, I just want her to see what it would've cost her.

Happy cinco de mayo I'm going to taco bell for lunch & drink patron tonight then I'm going to smuggle sum cocaine into california

Dear Jazz Fan: When you learned at the DMV that 'JAZZFAN' was taken, you should have gone with 'JAZFAN'. 'JZZFAN' just ain't the same.

Happy Cinco de Miracle Whip!

Because I'm a teacher, I'm supposed to appreciate shit today? Fuck that. You can't tell me what to do. What?! Oh, really? Carry on then.

Dear New Followers, Raise your hand if you just had your "HE's a TEACHER?!" moment. Don't worry; that's perfectly normal. Love, BW

In honor of cinco de mayo I'm putting salt around the rim of my dick head. #HappyCincoDeMayo

I'm really good at pretending I have my shit together.

I'd like to dedicate today's morning hard-on to all the good people at NASA. Specifically, any team working to find/capture sexy aliens.

Apt. application approved. 2day is now moving day. Do Mexicans work on Cinco De Mayo? Hope so, I need some help moving.

My beef today: People who choose to put Spoilers on their cars. I know of one thing you are 'spoiling' , your chances of kissing a female.

Anything involving Mexican food and fireworks is okay by me, as long as the fireworks aren't coming out of my ass.

I just read this oxymoronic phrase in a story about Ben Roethlisberger: "the VIP section at the Pittsburgh bar Margarita Mamas."

BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don't have to be an asshole about it.

Fat Dad Falls Off Skateboard http://r.funnyordie.com/ryiqd

NFL: Ben Roethlisberger on cover of May 10th SI. I have to say, I cannot wait to see how the SI curse gets him...

They need to make a Seis de Mayo holiday for the Mexicans bc tonight they will be cleaning up after us. Taking shots in the break room

Cinco de May no.

I'm not the only one who refers to the carpool lane as The Nerd Parade right?

People someday will look back on people being imprisoned for pot the way we look back on burning witches.

If you're looking for a car that highlights every bump in the road, might I recommend a 2000 Ford Focus?

Guy at the club just asked "do you have a card?" He didn't specify that it be mine- so I gave him my dentist's.

#ChuckNorriz uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

When I see the cover of People or Us Weekly and don't know who the celebrities are, I feel good about myself.

Just occured to me that I dont have the slightest clue what mayonnaise is made out of.

Man, I hope I'm not reincarnated as one of those fish that swim up people's dickholes.

Only two actors could have played Al Pacino's role in CARLITO'S WAY as well as Al Pacino: Al Pacino and me.

McDonalds might as well just sell a McSalt Lick.

An older woman who likes younger men is called a cougar. But do u know what they call an older woman who likes younger girls? Gym teacher

I feel bad for the baby from the famous Nirvana album cover. You don't want your dick to make people think, "Nevermind."

I been riding round Alexandria la. And I have yet to see a building yet

Thanks for the #followfriday shout-outs, nobody!

U know u #Intheboonies when u can jump off a downtown building and still live

#Intheboonies everybody wears fake shit but no one knows

'U a comedian? Well make me laugh! Hahaha"... this happened today for the 1000th time in my life. #no

I wish I could Shazam people that I run into and I have no idea who they are or how they know me...

Twitter Litterer [twit-er lit-er-er] -noun: One who throws all of their shit up on twitter.

Relationships r a joint collection of songs u spend the rest of ur lives hating after a breakup. Just heard 3 ex's in a row on the radio!

What's up friday night? I got a stack of Washingtons burning a hole in my pocket. Just might walk down to the store and get me some hummus.

When I see a dude with a golf shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, and a cell phone on the belt... I immediately walk in the other direction

Hey Philly! I haven't seen you in weeks! How about a hug? In the form of a cheesesteak.

Your mom is a cheap date, and by cheap date I mean we just fuck in your bed.

I live everyday to make my funeral the BEST EVER!

Called a fat black woman dressed in purple "Grimace" during my second show tonight. She did not take it well.

Just met sean paul and understood him perfectly, cool guy!

Mark Price Quietly Shooting Free Throws Somewhere http://onion.com/932mgl

Thanks for the free womb & board, Mom! Happy Mother's Day.

Some lady on this plane has a tiny dog in a bag and it won't stop barking because it's a tiny dog in a bag. #goodplan

@lilduval #yomoma was at the bottom of the screen in D'Angelo How Does It Feel video

Without our moms we'd never have guilt. I'm looking at you Jews and Catholics too I suppose.

@lilduval #yomoma is Lebron hurt elbow

@OGOchoCinco yep like i thought u only had one good joke in u. like i had in #yomomma

dear other guys at the airport urinals who didn't laugh with me when some dude in the stall farted, you have no souls.

Back in LA. Anything I missed? You know, besides all the drugs?

The pilot just came over the loudspeaker sounding HAMMERED. Thank God we've already landed.

How can I stab my ears with no knife? Ah yes, Michael Bolton.

i'd like to wish a very happy mother's day to all the thirteen year old white girls from Maury.

Mother's Day is like Father's Day with tits.

Hey Mom, Happy Mother's Day! Hey Hallmark, screw you!

I don't care how attracted you are to someone, if they call sex, "sexytime" in a Borat voice, it's over.

Hey guys, the search is over. I found the most annoying picture of all time. http://twitpic.com/1miyn8

Happy Mothers Day 2 my mom who didn't send me to live w/ my aunt & uncle in Bel Air after 1 fight on the playground like Will Smith's Mom

A-Rod just hit a cop in Yankees dugout with foul ball. Fuck the Yankees but Fuck the Po-Lice first. http://bit.ly/ceOLb7

If you'd like to know why someone became a comedian, just read their mothers day tweets.

I want to be on the same drugs as those people who do the counting on Sesame Street.

In Focus: Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids http://onion.com/99yvY1

I just now saw that Kendra's show has a theme song. That she dances to. But a sex tape would be embarrassing and detrimental to her career.

with all the complaining about how the Oil Spill is being handled poorly... nobody has even bothered to summon Captain Planet...just sayin.

If vince vaughn never met jon favreau a lot more people would be saying "that waiter is a dick"

#DearAspirinRappers watchin Cops/First 48 will not help u rap abt the streets.... We saw the same episode u saw

Show me on this alarm clock where the AM/PM switch screwed you.

How come the phrase "of the century" only applies to negative things, like storms? Why not "pie of the century?"

Well, this Monday isn't going to fuck itself. So, I guess I'll have to.

Watched an airport employee pee and not wash his hands. Then I saw he pushes old people around in wheelchairs all day. I wouldn't either.

Retweet this if your followers say 0 and your following says 0

At present, Twitter says I have zero followers... I've never felt so alone... But, I've made all this Kool-Aid...

I always wanted to have as many followers as Bieber, but not like this. #nofollowers

Uh oh Twitter has security issues I'm outta here ..Going back over to Facebook where EVERYONE can see my pictures and chats.

hey @souljaboy, twitter finally got your amount of fans right.......

Now that I have 0 followers time to say what I really mean. I hate blks (esp. Dark butts), japs, the eastside, lebitch gaymes, tom gaydy

Having exercised every day this week, I'm one aircraft carrier and a "mission accomplished" banner short of declaring myself ripped.

My ex's balls hung so low, I often wondered if they hit the water when he sat on the toilet. My friend & I called him poop-balls. #truestory

'A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car'

According to Newton's Law of Gravity, if my penis goes up, you must go down.

If u keep your Bluetooth on in church. Go down to the alter and tell him to deliver u from ignorance. Jesus aint calln your phone!

Indian Lady Behind Counter at 7-11: "You like bag?" Me: "Me love bag!" #endscene

All you have to do to be a trending topic on yahoo is visit yahoo.

Opinions are like my nipples. Sometimes they're little, sometimes they're big, sometimes I want to share them, and they are always awesome.

Don't you hate it when you KNOW someone is gay... but they don't

Writing comedy is like having a boner... Its hard and painful when it goes on too long

Miller Lite should just make their slogan "We know you care about quantity over quality."

Sorry Twitter, I just need to foist this image into your minds- BUTTERY PENIS.......................Thanks, goodnight!

Was going to see "Babies" but realized I'd rather see a movie about the thing babies come out of.

YOU GUYS! I'm back in L.A. now! Let's party*! *(Eat Taco Bell & then listen to music on headphones on my couch! Also, do some blow!) #farts

I have to stop putting my hair back in the "chow down" ponytail at dinners. So unbecoming.

"farting" is now one of my official "activities" on fb. well done, guys.

Call me an optimist but I think this CSI:Vegas team is going to solve this murder in about 55 minutes or so.

So, Susan Boyle is going to be a Supreme Court Justice now?

Jesus can walk on water but #ChuckNorriz can swim through land.

Prince Fielder Satisfies Curiosity By Eating Small Handful Of Dirt http://onion.com/c97JIp

Stop giving major energy to MINOR people

R.I.P. Bob Marley. Thanks for the good music, but no thanks for the white guys with dreds.

Can't help but think a new British government would have been formed by now if Dumbledore was still alive.

u broke as fuck but yo profile says "living life 2 the fullest #bitchplease

The most humiliating way to slap someone is with a handful of butterscotch and confetti.

Anyone know where I can find out more about celebrities I've never heard of doing non-newsworthy things, besides everywhere?

I'm gonna stick my [redacted] in your [redacted] then pull out and [redacted] all over your [redacted].

Having friends who are all gainfully employed is REALLY getting in the way of going to the movies today.

To the woman who just called her ratty dog "Covergirl," congratulations. You just won Tuesday afternoon. And my heart.

#Linkedin appears to be down, Justin Bieber must have created an account today..

As a jew, I can't believe that we didn't come up with "my mind on my money and my money on my mind."

me and a woman on the subway caught each other's gaze. She frowned and switched cars. Good move. I was certainly gonna pull my dick out

Everyone's ex girlfriend frequents Bar Louie.

"Hey bro, you should obviously stop making that face forever because you will get absolutely no pussy." http://tweetphoto.com/22036870

everytime im naked and walk by a mirror i think to myself i gotta look stupid when i fuck

I just saw a BIG GIRL in the car next to me Eating a FOOTlong sub with Wakka flakka blasting "OH LEAH DOO IT" damn I feel sorry 4 that sub!

It's bullshit that sandwiches & movies keep costing more when it's only sandwiches raising the bar on quality/imagination.

My left arm must be exhausted, I woke up before it did.

One of the five funniest things on TV, "The Sarah Silverman Program", has been cancelled. Guess the Jews don't control the media after all!

They can't figure out the cause of the oil spill? I bet it has something to do with that giant pipe full of oil in the middle of ocean.

I am boycotting Arizona. No more dirt or sunburns or lizards or meth. I will miss the dirt the most, but fuck 'em.

Classic NYC mistake: I assumed the guy putting a pastrami sandwich in his wallet was crazy when really he was just fucking batshit insane.

@shitmydadsays's book debuts at Number 8 on the NYT Bestseller List. Suck on that outlier, Gladwell! Or should I say, Number 11?

I should note that Gladwell is a superb writer, and in no way do I mean to disparage him when I suggest he suck on anything.

That said, he can still suck on it.

New York city smells like the state fair

From now on my hip-hop/rap name is "Greg Kinnear".

#firstdatethoughts damn she's so fine I'd suck her daddy's dick... wait... can somebody really be that fine?

Bengals considering JaMarcus Russell. So they'd have Pacman, named for guy who eats everything, & a guy who eats everything

The business of making Chamillions of dollars. RT @chamillionaire: Back to business ......

BITCHES BE CRAZY!!! (In my head I'm thinking about bridesmaid duties I have but you guys wouldn't know that).

This hot girl told me she was looking for work. I said I didn't have a job for her, but DID have a position and would love her 'on staff'.

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