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After Tax Day Laugh Day

16 April 2010 View Comments

You see how I rhymed day with…day.  Shout out to the rappers like Juvenile who make millions from this "technique".

I like to keep political comedy to a minimum because not everything is black or white, republican or democrat especially when most politicians seem to just be chasing whats green.

Follow YourFunnyTweets for…Funny ReTweets in between posts or grab my attention by sending me some Funny Tweets

 

Odds of being audited - 1/180.Odds of gettin away w murder - 1/2.LUCKY enough to be Audited?U know what to do,the Odds r already in UR FAVOR

 

You should be able to find something to make you laugh as I try to incorporate a variety of humors and comedy styles for everyone as you try and remember what has happened in February so far.  Every tweet after the first 3 are in chronological order.

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oh shit I just saw 2 niggas in a mcdonalds commercial that weren't rapping, had proper grammar, and had business clothes on. #progress

When Obama fills out his tax forms and it asks him how many dependents he claims, do you think he writes "Everyone"?

I should have started my taxes before now. Feeling miserable. Hunkering down in front of this laptop trying to figure out deductions! #sorry

New idea: if you haven't mailed your taxes yet, you can get more time by running west as fast as you can

Hangin out at Lucifer's bachelor party. This guy is so dumb.

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BREAKING: Charlie Sheen announces he's leaving TWO AND A HALF MEN in order to spend more time beating his family.

Two things I'll ALWAYS laugh at: 1. Animals dressed in human clothes 2. "Yakety Sax" played over video footage of anything at all. #cerebral

Getting ready for my #iPad to arrive. Spent all night putting my books into a shredder...

Never have cyber-sex without a firewall. That's how viruses get spread. #fb

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I want you right next to me, but a court ordered 200 yards will do. #StalkerThoughts

Kindle and Nook both sound like sexual enhancement aids for post-menopausal women.

VH1 should make a show the opposite of Sober House - where a bunch of nerds get stuck in a house and learn how to party. You're welcome VH1

Failed Jesus Marketing Slogans: Who Dey?! Who Dey Say Dey Want Salvation?!! #jesusjokes

If you're wearing a turtle neck in 2010 you should take it off and then take your pants off and then have sex with a guy because you're gay.

Dave mattews fans act like being a Dave mattews fan is a skill, when actually it is just regular old liking shitty music.

I hd a dream that I bnced a chck to this guy I think is hot, then he caught me wearing the same outfit 5x in a row and confronts me.

Catholicism is Italians not understanding Christianity.

I wonder if Kim Kardashian will find a large piece of chocolate today and mistake it for a new boyfriend and start fucking it.

Failed Jesus Marketing Slogans: "Muthaf*cka I'm 'J'. So listen to the play by play/day by day" #jesusjokes

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Dear Manu Ginobli. Please don't do anymore TV interviews. You sound like Dell Computer Customer Support.

They should rename Twitter "Bored Comedians In Airports."

The police is driving us to the hotel. I just asked him who got that work? He didn't find it funny

EARTHQUAKE!!!

Earthquake?

Earthquake for Jesus!

RT @souljaboytellem Damn mang, why all my shit shaking around. Something mad weird going on.

Its funny, everyone I talked to has a hangover and thought the earthquake was them losing control of their body. Or was that just me?

Seriously, though, that earthquake was massive here in LA. I hope everyone's fake tits are okay.

MTV cribs should be renamed "rich people don't have charisma"

If you're my ex-girlfriend, you can call it what you want, but to me, your baby's first name is Bullet and its last name is Dodged.

The iPhone word corrector thing changes the word "vag" to "bag." I am now certain that Steve Jobs has never seen a vagina.

Fuckin' Harry S. Truman would have hated Skype.

Opening day of the baseball season! I scratch my balls in salute.

I just became Mayor of McDonald's by eating the former Mayor (RIP Mr. McCheese) #foursquare #bloodlesscoups

sweet caroline = drunk white people.

Fact: Jesus tipped 20% at the last supper. #jesusjokes

Today is Easter. We celebrate it by hunting for painted chicken embryos hidden by a mutant rabbit. Happy rebirthday, Jesus!

Glass ½ full or glass ½ empty - Either way, there is room for more vodka!

How do u give a muslim woman who is fully covered from head to toe a compliment?

My dreams are narrated by Oprah.

Back home in Hollywood. Or Hollyweird, if you prefer to say it a dumb way.

Shout out to all the niggaz that's in the club wit every dollar they possess in they pocket.

Tweets are like a miniskirt, Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.

Sometimes its fun to say something hugely stupid and add the hashtag for the current NASA shuttle mission. For example: Fart Pants #STS-131

What's Victorias secret again? Bulemia?

Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels http://onion.com/aeXJEC

My fave thing about 'Dancing with the Stars'? The shame-filled groans of angels watching from above, choking on their own bile-laden vomit.

How can it be that I like and respect Coach K immensely, but I would be thrilled if Duke never won another game?

Thinking of calling my book "The Bible 2." It would sell a ton of copies before people figured it out, and by then I'd be in Sweden.

Seems petty: Obama throws out 1st pitch at Nats game, Little League Baseball demands to see his birth certificate.

MLB: This is out of control. At Washington Nationals game, Obama makes 1st pitch. Several Republicans tried to block it

Michael Steele is apparently making April Fool's Day a month long habit.

I would gratefully trade in my 4 year political science degree for 6 months of auto shop.

Just saw "Clash of the Titans." Someone really needs to remake it.

The amount of different warnings on a microwave popcorn bag concerns me.

"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."

I'm going to magic city tonite in memory of bob ross. He would've wanted it that way

If you haven't changed your facebook picture in years, I will assume you got fat.

The President of The United States just threw a pitch that made him look like the President of The Sex and The City fan club.

My friend taught his 5 yr old that my name is Rob Scrotum. So he calls me that w/out even laughing. I'm starting to like the sound of it.

I'm so high right now @NASA

2 new words: text while crapping= textcrement. Fuckin awesome= F'awesome!

sitting next to someone right now who smells like sour ass :( breathing thru my mouth and i think i can taste it

Duke to some is another word for poop.

Unsolicited boner on US Airways flight #140 to Anchorage, AK seat 6A

I want to be naked with the Dallas Cowboys. No homo. And also no Romo.

Does it make it better or worse for Duke knowing that everyone wanted them to lose?

For all of those who wanted the underdog to win, Jennifer Hudson has somehow beat Luther Vandross for the "One Shining Moment". Happy now?

I hate Jennifer Hudson. She ruined One Shining Moment even more than Aaron Neville.

You're always first in line to fuck yourself.

Just a reminder that Dru Hill's upcoming album is called "InDRUpendence Day." http://u.nu/3dw48 Just wanted to make sure you guys knew.

Saw The Goonies on the big screen tonight. I double dare Hollywood to make a kid's film today that opens with a staged prison suicide.

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws http://onion.com/ag2hDI

Hey all you queers talking about the books you've read, I'd probably read too if I wasn't on 24 Hour Fuck Patrol.

If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?

There are literally NO mexicans in Iraq. No wonder this country still isn't rebuilt!

Apologies to Duke fans, but I really wanted Butler to win so I could write “The Butler Did It.”

This post is the culmination of a lifetime of being obsessed with stock photos. The 10 Most Classic Stock Photo Poses: http://bit.ly/acsp16

Oversized sunglasses on women=Hipster burka.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow someone again?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Guy just came up to me at coffee bean and abruptly said, "who are you and what are you doing in my neighborhood. You don't live here." #true

Lesbians dress like the world ended seven years ago and humanity is starting to finally give a shit about fashion again.

Hello, new yellow pages. Meet my friend, garbage can.

The #Yankees were lucky that Posada was able to score from 3rd on the bases-loaded walk. Dude is that slow!

If gangsters didn't always hang out in front yards they would probably get shot less.

People who don't love LA aren't fully comprehending the importance of keeping your enemies closer.

My only problem with Facebook is that it makes me realize that everyone I know is either a total moron or a complete idiot.

I went to the Dentist today. He extracted all my money.

#ChuckNorriz will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

All the men who publicly blast Tiger Woods for being 'disappointing', 'shameful', etc, ABSOLUTELY cheat on their wives.

how did people write before cigarettes were invented?

can you be back safe but not sound or is that a group deal?

surf was fun this morning down in the south bay... the water is still really cold but yet i had zero shrinkage.

Scientists discovered a relative of the komodo dragon that has 2 penises. I'll believe it when I see him on chatroulette.

Words written in hotel room without Internet: 3000. Words written in hotel room with Internet: Uh, however many words are in this box...

Hey toddler in stroller throwing tantrum at your nanny by Jamba Juice: Things are tough all over. So shut it.

Just went to Yonkers to refill my street cred after posting pics of my cute dog and coconut water

Just joined my neighborhood watch so I can now legally look in my neighbor's window and watch her get undressed. #poppingbonersfightingcrime

This Rihanna "rude boy" song is nasty as shit. And they let her perform it at the kids choice awards. Smh

Most stewardesses look like attractive women who were microwaved.

Master's chairman chastises Tiger Woods:"Cheating on women is wrong. Denying them membership to a country club? No problem!"

Dear ESPN can you please stop sucking off the Yankees v. Red Sox. its day 3 of the season. No need for all the analysis. #cubshighlights

It's funny that Kermit AND Justin Bieber are trending at the same time. Because they both have fists up their ass.

Jesse James' wife denies sex tape. Jesse James' mistress denies holocaust.

I'm in korea right now and I realized I'm really not that korean. For example, I have straight teeth and I don't smell like honeydew.

When you say "no one's perfect", #ChuckNorriz takes this as a personal insult.

"Yes, Margaret, I got your message. Sorry it's taken me so long to call back. Shit's been crazy." -God

If Tom Cruise is so worried about people thinking he's gay, why doesn't he get a tattoo across his back that says "NO HOMO"?

nasa's ending manned spaced flight. chimps, take off those warm ups, you're back in the game

I like my new apartment so much, all I can think about is what I haven't figured out is wrong with it yet.

Is there a rule that says- when the dj plays blame it on the alcohol every douchebag in the club has to show off their bottle?

And fyi drunk girl: we know it's your birthday- isn't that why you're wearing that ridiculous tiara?

Just created the Twitter account @therealPFChangs just to see how long until its shut down. #RealProductiveAziz

If I was a TV newsman, every time I started having sex I'd say, "This just in: my penis."

Tweet interestingly!!!! RT @iamdiddy: Drink responsibly!!!!

Woke up ill. Not the cool kind of ill, either. Prepare for needy and melodramatic. I miss breathing through my nose.

I think we should all start referring to Shelly Long as "ShLong." It saves time and she deserves a cool nickname.

"Should I put my cock in that?" - First question I ask myself when I encounter a new person/thing.

Hey, Sunday. You're called "Sunday" for a reason. Where the eff is the effin' sun??? Slacker.

Ugh I hate airports. The men's bathroom here doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming. Lame.

Sunday mornings are specifically made for thanking and apologizing to people for Saturday night.

I've found you can usually tell how dumb someone is by how often they play with their hair. Bangs are like a cheat sheet for dumb people.

Not sure what the guy next to me is talking about, but he did use the phrase "wham bam, thank you ma'am," so it's probably worth a listen.

Drank way too much in Vegas and yelled at a Lehman bros banker for wrecking our country. I'm a class act.

So lets analyze ESPN programming. Instead of all the MLB games, they show the college BOWLING playoffs. Nice way to get viewers.

"Strung out with my toungue out."- My Dog

A piece of me dies everytime I see black people in chicken commercials enjoying it more than life itself. #Setback

TheFuckingWeather doesn't quite capture what the f*ck is happening today. http://www.thefuckingweather.com/?zipcode=94117

Waiting for my foot to fall asleep so I can draw dicks all over it with a sharpie.

Heidi Montag would be worth a lot more money if she had been left in her box.

Jim Nantz saying Tiger "managed a 69 through all of this" is my favorite sports moment of 2010 hands down.

Greatest don't walk sign ever. http://twitpic.com/1eytsg

Just FYI Baskin Robbins won't make an ice cream cake that looks like old lady boobs. So don't ask.

If we get a new Justice on the Supreme Court, maybe we can finally overturn Rock v. Paper.

#basicballwives = bad girls club wit money

Poor NBA Housewives being cheated because their husbands love their AWAY schedule more than the HOME schedule. #2Points

A golddigger favorite line: I don't care about the money

i dont know whether to admire this guy drinking from a flask at my show or to be upset that hes not buying drinks

Charmin has not only proved that bears do in fact shit in the woods, but also that they can wipe their own asses.

I wish I came from a city with personality. Instead I came from Vegas, a city that profits on other people's lack on one. #Treme

When its time for me to get traded they can trade me for a X-Box, McDonalds coupon book a case of Red Bull with a box of COHIBAS

The wound on Bret Michael's head must be really serious. He's been wearing a bandage over it for 10 years.

If you take your bra off in a bar bathroom, it's time to go home. (Asking for a friend)

U ever see somebody flyn that make u say "she suppose to be on greyhound"

Greetings from Seattle, where Swedish auto repairs outnumber African-Americans.

I love that At&t's solution to them giving me shitty DLS service is to offer me 6 free moths of more shitty DLS service.

"Look at my Super Bowl Rings, Look at my complexion. I'm Ben Roethlisberger BITCH!!" #RoethlisbergerRules

"I have the White Away" #RoethlisbergerRules

The Internet: Bringing you your daily WTF since the mid-90's: http://bit.ly/dqh4xZ

Keep slumping down in your chair. Slowly. Then, when nobody can see you, slide under table. Compose yourself. Roll out door.

Just saw a pimped out #Prius which more or less says, "Killing the environment is whack but killing people occasionally is okay."

I need a ride to Cincinnati. Please WKRP.

Sometimes I wish I was a professional wrestler so I could yell everything and never wear a shirt.

Getting my 9 month old son dressed these days looks like I'm fighting a midget rodeo clown while skydiving.

Saw a newspaper ad 2day: "Huge CASKET Sale! Call Before You Buy!" Shouldn't that be "Call Before You DIE"?

If disappointing your wife was an Olympic sport, I'd be Adolf Hitler.

My last girlfriend was temperamental. 50% temper and 50% mental.

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I think the reason we haven't heard from osama bin laden isn't because he's hiding, it's because he has At&t.

Instead of calling idiots 'douchebags', I'm gonna start calling them 'Duecebags'...As in 'a smelly bag of poo'...

I want to make a show for men about relationships & call it "Oops I Guess I Said The Wrong Thing Again Even Though It Didn't Seem Like It."

I defy you to find anything better than John Tesh playing the NBA theme in a tuxedo vest at Red Rocks. http://bit.ly/HKQ1x

I am grateful that everyone wants to get me high. In other news, I am high. #thankyou

Hey Verizon mom, just let your daughter go to the fucking mall without the tracking collar. You are embarrassing her. She hates you.

I was able to read six YouTube comments before my brain killed itself.

was just asked by J.C. Chasez if i'd like to focus on studio work or twitter.... guess what i chose.

Has "Taco Bell" made it into the excusable-reasons-to-call-into-work sick list? If not, looks like my grandma died for the 5th time.

Sometimes I feel bad for the stink. It gets, what, like half the attention of the pink?

Is it me or do rappers make a album full of metaphors now?

Waiting for Applebees to introduce "The Wall of Onion" A big fried wall you just gnaw on til your heart stops. #AmericansWillEatAnything

To punish them both, Ben Roethlisberger should have to sexually assault the Pope.

John Tesh dated Oprah? That confirms it for me. Oprah is gay.

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Do cool hip dudes in skinny pants know that I can see their penis?

when u talk to a nigga in the industry ur no longer called by yo real name u are now "thats the bitch_________fuck wit"

U know u at a bullshit hotel when they promoting "COLD AC"

Instantly downloading any man I want to my vibrator. Thanks, Netflix!

RT @friedmanjon: Thank you internet! http://bit.ly/cKLS51

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A french press is ideal if you like scientific experiments and waiting twice as long for your coffee.

Do dogs smell other emotions besides fear... like shame. Mine caught me watching American Idol and now won't look at me anymore.

it never feels quite right washing down a birth control pill with a sip of wine.

Phil Mickelson is the most bitch looking man alive today.

Found an upside to At&t! You don't have to worry about drunk dialing ex boyfriends because the call won't go through anyway.

I'm not a painter, I just huff a lot.

"I must be close to my expiration date, 'cause I'm about to get nasty." #ThingsiLikeToSayWhenImAboutToDoIt

The only thing worse than mom jeans are mom genes.

I like people who put it on their license plate that they are a douche. Just passed "P90-X Guy" who knows what I mean.

Today I turn the age Jesus was when he was betrayed,crucified under Pontius Pilate, went to hell, and rose againin glory. I'm at the DMV.

got a stick so big in my bag that I put it in the fireplace #chroniccomplaints

GROUPIE PSA: incase yall wanna know, the NFL Draft is a week from today... Oh.. Fuck it, yall already knew that! My bad..

#welcometomiami where aunties and neices graduate from High School the same year

#shoutout to anybody that ever got caught masturbating.

#WelcomeToMiami where u need a passport to go to Hialeah

I should have started my taxes before now. Feeling miserable. Hunkering down in front of this laptop trying to figure out deductions! #sorry

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  • Tweets that mention After Tax Day Laugh Day | Funny Tweets of Twitter | -- Topsy.com said:

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Janice Riper, Adam Moore. Adam Moore said: After Tax Day Laugh Day over at Funny-Tweets.com http://bit.ly/dbbEq0 [...]

  • Igormarxo said:

    Difference between USSR Communist media and USA “mainstream media”

    In Russia government make media say what they want – even if lie.

    In USA “mainstream media” try make government what they want – even if lie..

    …..eventually they become same thing?!

    Old Russian saying You can tell same lie 1000 time but not change truth!

    I Igor produce Obama Birth Certificate at http://www.igormarxo.org

    Compare Obama Care vs Igor Care at Obama Care vs Igor Care

  • Igormarxo said:

    Difference between USSR Communist media and USA “mainstream media”

    In Russia government make media say what they want – even if lie.

    In USA “mainstream media” try make government what they want – even if lie..

    …..eventually they become same thing?!

    Old Russian saying You can tell same lie 1000 time but not change truth!

    I Igor produce Obama Birth Certificate at http://www.igormarxo.org

    Compare Obama Care vs Igor Care at Obama Care vs Igor Care

  • All Around the World News said:

    After Tax Day Laugh Day | Funny Tweets of Twitter |…

    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)

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