Well we have been following double the amount of funny people we did last month and we got some good ones to share.  I felt that trying to rank the tweets on a 7 point funny scale (#nottrue) was too time consuming and difficult because all of these tweets are funny (depending on your style of humor).

In the FUTURE we are hoping to have a voting system in place to where Y’all can pick the top ranking Funniest Tweets based on votes! Until then I would be interested in seeing some comments in the comment section of your favorite Tweets from August.

DougBenson I don’t know which word makes me giggle more, “stimulus” or “package.” Aug1
danecook Laughing my ass off at the #FakeKanyeSightings trend I started. NEW FAV: Kanye is purifying himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka Aug1
danecook Kanye doing a Pasodoble over a dying pigeon. Wearing a peach scarf & holding a wizards wand in Long Beach, CA. #FakeKanyeSightings Aug1
jimgaffigan Don’t those speedwalkers always look like they are racing to the bathroom. “gotta go, gotta go” Aug 2nd
drewhastings I may not have the key to success, but I know how to pick the lock. Aug 3
rainnwilson I think we can all pretty much resolve our healthcare crisis in 140 characters or less. So that’s good. Thanks Twitter! Aug 3rd
DougBensonI believe in capital punishment more in theory than execution. Aug 3rd
StephenAtHomeyou can tax my botox when you take it from my cold, electively paralyzed hands Aug 4th
danecook People always ask me what makes me laugh. THIS – EVERY – TIME: http://bit.ly/Q1a31 Aug 4th
TheOnion Slideshow: Drinking http://bit.ly/ORCAB Aug 4th (This is VERY FUNNY)
jimgaffiganWent to one of those hipster bars. You know the kind where you have to show your ironic t-shirt to get in. Aug 4th
chickmcgee1 Yes, it’s true. I am looking for real hardwood flooring at an affordable price. This is not code for anything sexual. Aug 5th
chickmcgee1 I succesfully shoved a king size mattress thru a 6 foot hole. Once again not flowery prose. A fact Aug 6th
azizansari NBC has firmly denied my request to make the Parks and Rec Season 2 theme song “Turn My Swag On” by @souljaboytellem. Aug 5th
PatGodwin Chris Brown sentenced to pick up trash… he tells judge, that’s what got him in trouble with Rihanna, in the first place. Aug 5th
joerogandotnet I’m gonna smoke a joint and go to the mall. Why? Because I can, and sometimes that’s enough. Aug 5th
michaelianblack I think it’s cute that Canada has a baseball team. Aug 5th (Just as Brazil & Italy thinks it’s cute the U.S has a soccer team)
joerogandotnet Holy shit, the guy arguing with his wife in front of me is Bob Arum the boxing promoter! He just told her to shut up, this could get good. Aug 6th
joerogandotnet @joerogandotnet we need pics of this one. (via @FRANKTRIGG) bam! Powerful techmology! http://yfrog.com/5sg56nj Aug 6th
joerogandotnet I leaned over his chair to take that picture, and like a douche I forgot to put my phone on silent so it made that “kachee” sound in his ear Aug 6th
thebrianposehn Shooting SSP in Macarthur park. Sketchy as hell. If someone left a cake out in the rain here now the cake would get raped. Aug 6th
StephenAtHome congratulations, justice sotomayor! just don’t ask the male justices how much they’re being paid Aug 7th
TheOnion Area Man Uses ‘Big Buck Hunter’ Score To Determine Ability To Drive Home http://bit.ly/1Nlmlc Aug 7th
paulscheer Right now If u listen very carefully u can hear some d-bag ironing his Ed Hardy Jeans & spraying himself w/ Axe thinking “F Yeah, I Rule” Aug 7th
PaulMecurio Watching sox and Yankees in extra innings. I can’t believe these guys have gone this long without shooting up steroids. Aug 7th
Henlips Last night I laughed so hard I snorted coke up my nose! Aug 8th
jimgaffigan A quarter of million people lost their jobs last month and the stock market goes UP? Huh? Makes me glad I tell diarreah jokes for a living. Aug 8th
hannibalburess At my brother’s crib in Seattle. Just dropped a deuce so bad, I think I lowered his property value. Aug 8th
danecook Headed 2 Teen Choice Awards. Nominated 4 something + will b presenting Choice Hottie Award. I’m wearing a Vera Wang gown. Aug 9th

WhitneyCummings You know you’re too competitive when you’re in a Drs office and you look around the waiting room: “I’m in way more pain than you, bitch” Aug 10th
jimmyfallon
#fallonmono A woman in Greece set fire to a man’s genitals at a night-club after he tried to hit on her. You know who feels bad about this? Aug 10th
jimmyfallon #fallonmonologue The guy’s friend who told him, “Just go talk to her. What’s the worst that could happen?” Aug 10th
robcorddry My wife calls normal oral sex “69, one at a time”. You’re welcome. Aug 10th

WhitneyCummings If your dog is wearing clothes, you’re an asshole. Aug 11th
kevin_nealon Farts lose their comedic value at the urinal. Aug 11th (not all but some)
kevin_nealon Wow! I stand overwhelmingly corrected. My sincere apologies to all. Farts do not lose their comedic value at the urinal.  about 4 hours later after hsi original farts lose comedic balh Aug 11th
WhitneyCummings Just passed a restaurant called “Fine Persian Cuisine.” I think its missing the period. It should be “Fine. Persian cuisine.” Aug 12th
diablocody I think the Hamburglar always resented his more ambitious older brother, Cheeseburglar. Aug 12th
chrisdelia How did rappers start referring to themselves as “your boy”? “Hey, it’s your boy, (name), on the mic!” That. Is. So. Homosexual. Aug 12th
StephenAtHome with the economy the way it is, they’ve raised the price to olley-olley-oxen-buck-fifty Aug 13th
chrisdelia If I ever take a picture like this, deliver a bag of shit to my front door and make sure I put my face in it. Thanks. http://mypict.me/kWX8 Aug 13th
joeschmitt Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Really, I’m asking because you refuse to take your Bluetooth out, so I’m never sure. Aug 13th
WhitneyCummingsRT @S_Maniscalco: Someone asked me why I don’t have any tattoos. I replied would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari? Enough with ink. … Aug 13th TOP 10
steveagee they shoot Are U Smarter Than a 5th Grader on our lot. So there are a lot of 5th graders and dumb people here Aug 14th
WhitneyCummings There are three kinds of love triangles: equalateral, Isoceles, and herpes. Aug 14th
DougBenson When a reality show character says, “That’s how we do it in (city name here),” it’s to justify horrible behavior. #whatilearnedfromreality Aug 15th
ryandaltonPeople with fake bullet holes on their car have inspired me to put real ones IN their car Aug 16th
birbigs I heard ticketmaster is starting a convenience store chain that just charges you to go into other stores. Aug 17th (IF YOU check out Birbigs history on Aug 17th you will see a VERY Funny exchange of RT and replies about Ticketmaster)
BorowitzReport Hoping to Bolster Public Support, Obama Renames War in Afghanistan ‘Heidi Klum’ Aug 17th
KevinAvery Clearly the Starbuck’s in the Phoenix airport has no idea we’re in a recession. Aug 17th
PatGodwin If billboards are any indication, a lot of people in Tennessee need to be massaged… and they want the Asians to do it. Aug 18th
rainnwilson Brett Favre is back! He’s practicing some bombs from deep in his own end zone off his back heel with a torn achilles into triple coverage. Aug 18th
OGOchoCincoRetiring and coming back is my new celebration, the only thing I can do and not get fined for!!!! After every touchdown I’m calling it quits Aug 18th
BorowitzReport Favre Favors, Opposes, Favors Public Option Aug 19th
TheOnion In Focus: Brett Favre Just Chucks Reputation Up There http://bit.ly/cv0qxAug 18th
PatGodwin Brett Favre, you just got $25 million for 2 years… buy a new hat. http://twitpic.com/eel3m Aug 18th
WhitneyCummings Watching a guy in shorts at Starbucks count out 1.54 in change. White people are so embarrassing. Aug 18th
WhitneyCummings The Mailer-Daemon. #NewSexualPositions Aug 19th
KevinAvery Friend frm college just told anothr friend that H’wood hasn’t changed me. They have no idea I’m wearing a full-length velvet cape right now. Aug 19th^th
PhillyD LOL saw this comment on a chicks video : I’d quit my job and fuck you 22 hours of the day, the other to hours id let you suck my dick Aug 19th
hannibalburess I think Young Jeezy and Oj Da Juiceman should have a fight to the death to see who has exclusive rights to saying “Aye” every 10 seconds. Aug 19^th
joeschmitt Photo: I don’t know what “presseason football” is, but I’m sure the Lions will find a way to lose at it…. http://tumblr.com/xa42rlkr2 Aug 20th
BorowitzReport Eagles Wanted Plaxico for Run-and-shoot Offense #terribleplaxicojokes Aug 20th^th
OGOchoCinco Guns not needed but protection at the club is a must, ocho cinco condoms sold at the door, they’ll catch everything yo Johnson shoots!!!! Aug 20th^th
robhuebel I don’t ever want to be on a TV show called, ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’. Ever. Aug 20^th
joeschmitt So John Edwards has to take a paternity test? Shame he can’t use the NBA’s bulk discount. Aug 20^th
rainnwilson Boner, boobs, Paris Hilton, carbuncle, nutsack, Al Gore’s butt, ferns, taint, booger, cop spanking cop, weasels, boobs, corn, karate. Aug 20^th
BorowitzReport Female Runner in South Africa Angry About Gender Testing, Tells Officials to ‘Suck My Cock’ Aug 21st^st
PatGodwin The uptight Savannah DJ this morning told me to keep it clean and wanted set-up questions. I said, “Ask me about my d**k”. Actual spit-take. Aug 21^st
WhitneyCummings On Houston radio 95.7. They just specifically asked me not to talk about fisting. Aug 21^st
WhitneyCummings I will absolutely punch in the face the next person who responds to something I say with “that’s what she said” Aug 21^st (I HEAR YA, FOR REAL!)
OGOchoCinco Women shirts will be made with those Lil shiny stones yall like Aug 22^nd
Henlips When you’re in love, nothing else matters. Like, I just hit a homeless with my car, and I don’t even care, ‘cuz I’m in Love! Aug 22^nd
diablocody I want to understand people who like black jelly beans. Help me. Aug 22^nd
joeschmitt Awful lot of door-to-door evangelists this weekend. Maybe they’re running a sale on Jesus. Aug 22^nd
nerdist Almost got hit by an old lady driver WHO WAS TEXTING. That’s like handing Death a rifle. The elderly ALREADY drive like they’re texting. Aug 22^nd
rebeccakelley She said “At football games do you think most people are fans of the home team but some are fans of the opposing team?” DUHHHH Aug 22^nd
chrisdelia Sitting in green room with @tomarnold watching some movie. Tom: “This movie’s so bad, I’m surprised I’m not in it.” http://myloc.me/pwFn Aug 22nd
steveagee Hipsters, stop throwning the word “fail” after everything. “Tweet Fail” “Food Fail” etc – you are the ONLY thing to actually fail. Aug 22^nd
steveagee PS – everyone trying a funny “fail” reply is about to be blocked #cleverFail Aug 22^nd
danecook The No Receipt-No Refund; The Cap’n Crotch; The Wicked-Pissa-Retahded; The Fuck Off featuring music by DiDo. #FailedSexualPositions Aug 22^nd
KevinAvery Hey McDonald’s employee, when I come in and order a sausage mcmuffin w/egg, don’t surprisingly reply “Just one?” It makes us both look bad. Aug 22^nd
DougBenson Just met a nice stoner at the Denver airport. I mean, I assume he was a stoner. Because he was nice. Aug 22^nd
PatGodwin When I leave exclusive Hilton Head Island tomorrow, the average salary goes up by at least 40%. Aug 23^rd
StephenColbert I’ve taken a long vacation…All I do is say funny things…And I’m thinking of raising my own salary…What am I a Senator? Aug 23^rd TOP
chrisdelia I’m alone. I just made a weird face for no reason because I thought it would amuse me. Now I feel more alone. I’m kind of disgusted with me. Aug 23^rd
nealbrennanOne time during sex, I yelled out, “Spoiler Alert. I’m about to have an orgasm.” Aug 23^rd
PhillyD Hilarious Black Eyed Peas Music Parody. http://tinyurl.com/n7brql Aug 23rd
joeschmitt It’s an escalator you’re stepping onto, not a vat of piranhas. Make your move already, lady. Aug 24^th
DougBenson H1N1 #fakeboyband Aug 24^th
PhillyD My explanation on why huge t*ts are so awesome, SFW and the ladies http://bit.ly/36J0YJ Aug 24th
rebeccakelley If I were an iPhone app right now I’d be called iFrustrated Aug 24^th
Henlips Today is gonna be all about overcoming my fears. Starting with my fear of walking around with illegal drugs. Aug 24^th
chrisdelia Ed Hardy makes shoes now too. So you can be a douche from the glittered trucker hat to the orange tiger on your toes. PS- Fuck you Ed Hardy. Aug 24^th
Henlips Jonas Brothers naked — oops, sorry. I thought this was Google! My bad. Aug 24^th
aplusk lmao great vid http://bit.ly/17fWjJ Aug 25th
WhitneyCummings Just ran into a friend in gym locker room who decided to have the convo topless. It was hard to focus.I now know what its like to be a man. Aug 25^th
rainnwilson There is a giant fountain outside the gates of Forest Lawn Cemetary. Someone should pour red dye in it. Aug 25^th
OGOchoCinco Do it big Wednesday, take a roll of toilet tissue with you to work= it represents you being the shit at whatever you do!! Esteban sleeps zzz Aug 25^th
WhitneyCummings I only talk in tweets now. If someone says more than 140 characters I throw a ninja star with a red minus sign at their head and walk away. Aug 26th
FunnyCostakiThey’re ambivalent about the Brett Favre signing here in Minneapolis. I believe it’s part of the Cash for Clunkers program… Aug 26^th
mmalkoff Check out this family at a Bar Mitzvah singing “That’s What Friends are For”. Recording deal? http://tinyurl.com/mm8njd Aug 26th
robhuebel Someday I would like to publish a magazine called, “Billionaire Asshole”. Just to see who’d subscribe. Aug 26th
BTMcLaughlin Wow, I can play Beatles songs now on Rock Band! Oh wait, I fucking play guitar. Aug 26^th
kevinpollak Up & AT them. LAX, before 6am- Must…get…an…annoying…coffee… that…I…need…a…thesaurus…to… order… Such…a…tool.. Aug 27th
thenickgriffin i’m proud of all of you for reading this. it means you are avoiding real work. smart move. Aug 27^th
TheOnion Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama’s Placenta http://bit.ly/18RT28 Aug 27th
robhuebel Invented a talking car horn that says either: “FUCKING GO, DUDE” or “THAT’S A HILARIOUS BUMPER STICKER, I BRAKE FOR UNICORNS TOO”. Aug 27^th
WhitneyCummings Listening to a love song lyric: “I can’t breathe without you…” Don’t exaggerate. More realistic: “I can’t pay my rent without you…” Aug 27^th
boburnhamMan beside me on the plane has camouflage shorts on, so it looks like his seatbelt is floating. Aug 28^th
TheOnion Sports: Big Ten Peace Summit Fails To End Century-Long Michigan, Ohio State Rivalry http://bit.ly/fzhHK Aug 28th
PatGodwin I’m reading this self-help book, “The Secret”. You know what the secret to success is… $19.95 in someone elses pocket. Aug 28^th
TheOnion Nation’s Unemployment Outlook Improves Drastically After Fifth Beer http://bit.ly/146lpj Aug 28th What DOESNT
chrisdelia Three hats should only be on three dudes, asshole. http://mypict.me/sPRg Aug 28th
roywoodjr thinks your swagger smells like gas pump handle. Now come to my shows this weekend in Cleveland. Aug 28^th
chrisdelia Every third hot chick I meet thinks they have a “writing partner”. No, you don’t. You have a guy that’s writing for you/trying to fuck you. Aug 28^th
Henlips Don’t you hate when the whole movie theater’s empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do, that’s why I do it. Aug 29^th
BorowitzReport Denmark, land of lowered expectations. Real ad: “Carlsberg, Probably the Best Beer in Town.” Aug 30^th
nottjmiller Worth blowing my voice out for sweet child of mine at karaoke last night? No. But hopefully somewhere, it helped a child. A sweet child. Aug 30^th
PatGodwin When I was twenty, I called a “Cougar” my mom’s slutty friend Norma. Aug 30^th
joeschmitt Gas at $4 a gallon I could handle, but Breyer’s ice cream at $14 a gallon? Damn Wall Street speculators! String ‘em up, I say. Aug 30^th
kevin_nealon Thought my friend said we were going to a topless restaurant but he actually said Tapas. Now I am stuck with a wad of one dollar bills. Aug 20^th
nottjmiller If a Chinese buffet has a sign bigger than it’s name that says “entrance in rear” don’t eat there. Ever. Aug 31^st
birbigs i love twitter. it’s such a good way to procrastinate “living.” Aug 31^st
joeschmittAlarm clocks and credit cards are my way of screwing with future me. Aug 31^st AWESOME
robhuebel At this point, if you’re still using public pay phones to make calls, you just like the taste of pee. Aug 31^st
johncmayerI’m sorry to be crass, but I have been wondering this for a week now: who has fake tits serial number A000001?? Aug 31^st DAMN GOOD QUESTION
paulandstorm[S] Mad Men drinking game: every time a character takes a drink, you have to make a comment about how much they drink. Aug 31^st
amyschumer I’d like to show James Blake my U.S. open. What? Aug 31^st

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